Rejection because of SSA

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Zmurf, God bless you. I bet you’re going to be having a lot of people from here praying for you. I think saying as many Rosaries and Chaplets of Divine Mercy as you can (I mean also according to your temperment… you have to push yourself a bit but not so hard that you give up on it altogether) is a very good idea.

Perhaps also look into a Scapular of the Sacred Heart? Devotion to our Lord’s Sacred Heart is powerful. My problems are different than yours but they all come down to our hearts, don’t they? So we have to ask the Lord to make our hearts like His Heart.

The advice above this paragraph I am sure is utterly sound. This paragraph, however, contains advice that is a bit more… “Texan” shall we say? So feel extra free to ignore this part. You mentioned that you have been blessed with attraction to women. Do you suppose that you might go on some dates? I don’t mean to do anything unchaste; you know just ask a girl out and enjoy yourself. For all their annoying ways, it feels nice when women pay attention to you. Maybe if you dated a bit (again, not getting involved in fornication or anything like that, just pleasant pre-Sexual Revolution style stuff) that other issue would kind of fade into the background and not bother you so much?

Besides, maybe God has 6 or 8 kids lined up for you. No time like the present, right?

Oh, and congratulations on being called a “right wing fascist”. That’s music to my ears. Just goes to show that you’re livin’ right.
 
PaulinVA said:
Your answer to your family is that you are a chaste young man. You can tell them you are attracted to girls (as you said in a post). There - end of story.
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I think this sounds very resonable. You wouldn’t be telling a lie and it might get them to stop questioning your sexuality.
 
Adeodatus said:
Zmurf, God bless you. I bet you’re going to be having a lot of people from here praying for you. I think saying as many Rosaries and Chaplets of Divine Mercy as you can (I mean also according to your temperment… you have to push yourself a bit but not so hard that you give up on it altogether) is a very good idea.

Perhaps also look into a Scapular of the Sacred Heart? Devotion to our Lord’s Sacred Heart is powerful. My problems are different than yours but they all come down to our hearts, don’t they? So we have to ask the Lord to make our hearts like His Heart.

The advice above this paragraph I am sure is utterly sound. This paragraph, however, contains advice that is a bit more… “Texan” shall we say? So feel extra free to ignore this part. You mentioned that you have been blessed with attraction to women. Do you suppose that you might go on some dates? I don’t mean to do anything unchaste; you know just ask a girl out and enjoy yourself. For all their annoying ways, it feels nice when women pay attention to you. Maybe if you dated a bit (again, not getting involved in fornication or anything like that, just pleasant pre-Sexual Revolution style stuff) that other issue would kind of fade into the background and not bother you so much?

Besides, maybe God has 6 or 8 kids lined up for you. No time like the present, right?

Oh, and congratulations on being called a “right wing fascist”. That’s music to my ears. Just goes to show that you’re livin’ right.
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Well you know, there aren’t many practising Catholic girls here. I think anything less would be a foolish thing.

To Alexander: you are correct, it is a medical, or psychological problem. It is not PC to say it, but then often the truth is not PC. I can say, as one afflicted, that SSA is indeed a psychological problem, as well as a spiritual problem (narcissism, idolatry, pride etc…). Whilst the world reassures one that everything is all ok (when it’s clearly not), only the Church tells us the good news of the truth which can set us free.
Your answer to your family is that you are a chaste young man. You can tell them you are attracted to girls (as you said in a post). There - end of story.
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That’s an excellent summary - thanks PaulinVA!
 
Zmurf said:
Well you know, there aren’t many practising Catholic girls here. I think anything less would be a foolish thing.

To Alexander: you are correct, it is a medical, or psychological problem. It is not PC to say it, but then often the truth is not PC. I can say, as one afflicted, that SSA is indeed a psychological problem, as well as a spiritual problem (narcissism, idolatry, pride etc…). Whilst the world reassures one that everything is all ok (when it’s clearly not), only the Church tells us the good news of the truth which can set us free.

That’s an excellent summary - thanks PaulinVA!
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No, it’s not a medical problem, psychological and spiritual, yes. Bullying from peers does have an effect on the way we see ourselves. Being told that you are gay over and over again without the proper support from family or friends can make one think they are over time. Also, there are obvious other factors which I won’t go into here.

I agree with the above suggestions to you. I’ll be praying for you…

God bless!
ladybri
 
Zmurf, interesting questions!

I think you should assume that telling one family member anything is telling them all.

If asked, another possibility is to explain your views of the homosexual lifestyle, how it is destructive, what the Church teaches, etc. and end by saying no, you have no interest in such a thing and you hope they don’t either. All true and possibly what they are really trying to determine anyway.

FWIW, I think you will be OK. I am not so sure about your brother who rejects the pope and Church moral teaching. Pray for him!
 
Zmurf, I will add you to my prayers.
if someone asks if you are “gay”, you can tell them it is "none of your business, do i ask if you are hetero?
but a better answer, if you feel that you need to answer their question, is simply to state that you feel "called to the single life at this time".
this tells them nothing, and leaves you with no labels.

Blessings on you as you make your journey through this life on your way home to the Lord’s mansions in heaven.
 
Zmurf said:
I am thinking that there is a very real possibility that someone in my family will ask me outright ‘Are you gay?’

This seems to me a distinct possibility and there is a change of ‘climate’ within my family whereby somebody will ask this question. I am struggling to come up with a suitable answer. These are some of my options:
  1. No (a lie or the truth?)
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“Gay” is a political self-identification chosen by some, but not by you. So, if you are asked “Are you gay?”, “No” would be the truth. Further specifics as to what you mean by that are none of their business.

Pacem,
 
It isn’t their business.

You could laugh and give an evasive answer, then change the subject.

You could answer a question with a question, i. e. “why would you ask me something like that?” or “why do you ask, are you gay?” or “Why would I want to live that way?”

You could say you follow the Church’s teaching on chastity and you find the comments offensive.

Maybe you should practice whatever you are going to say (or several ways of answering) in front of a mirror so you become more comfortable with the idea of having this conversation and more able to control your body language when it arises.

Continue to develop your faith and virtues so that when you run into rejection in your life you can rely on God to get you through it.
 
Have you contacted “Pflag” or a homosexual (Christian) support group? - We’re all in it together but at the sake of sounding humanistic the most important person in this world when it comes to identity is who you say you are. Sometimes it can take a lifetime to feel comfortable / humble enough to accept who we are. We try desperately hard to fit someone else’s often faulty labelling for peer acceptance. We are often by far the hardest on ourselves than anyone else.
One person I know who was “outed” by parents, the father was upset; the mother pragmatic, saying “If you don’t accept it as part of the person’s nature you lose the child.” The father struggled but chose family above all else.
No one chooses to be gay. It’s not a choice. Just as no one chooses to be heterosexual.
 
Apollos said:
I chose.
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2 implications, either you were gay and chose to live as a heterosexual or believe people are born carte blanche, a clean slate on which labels are to be written.

The first implies sexuality is changeable, something external to nature, somewhat mask-like. Total freedom of will.

The second defies what it is to be human.
 
It is not acceptable to ask someone what their sexual preference is—at least I don’t think that’s kosher. Honestly, that really is not anyone’s business and to even pose the question is rude. On the other hand, your family is a perfect study in patience and tolerance and it seems you pass that test with flying colors. You seem to be a very patient person.

From what I have read thus far, it seems you have gotten some excellent advice here and you seem to be doing much better than some family members. LOL!

Family-----ya gotta love em. 😉
 
horselvr said:
It is not acceptable to ask someone what their sexual preference is—at least I don’t think that’s kosher. Honestly, that really is not anyone’s business and to even pose the question is rude. On the other hand, your family is a perfect study in patience and tolerance and it seems you pass that test with flying colors. You seem to be a very patient person.

From what I have read thus far, it seems you have gotten some excellent advice here and you seem to be doing much better than some family members. LOL!

Family-----ya gotta love em. 😉
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Like your comment - hate that word “preference” It implies one chooses one’s sexuality as if from a menu of options. I think it’s a bit more complicated than that.
 
KEVIN_WILCOX said:
2 implications, either you were gay and chose to live as a heterosexual or believe people are born carte blanche, a clean slate on which labels are to be written. The first implies sexuality is changeable, something external to nature, somewhat mask-like. Total freedom of will. The second defies what it is to be human.
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Both, actually. I was born straight, suffered severe long-term emotional abuse well into adulthood, was gay by any definition of the word for a couple decades, and now I am transitioning back to straight again.
 
Apollos said:
Both, actually. I was born straight, suffered severe long-term emotional abuse well into adulthood, was gay by any definition of the word for a couple decades, and now I am transitioning back to straight again.
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Life is an adventure. I wish you well.
Seems there are more questions in life than there are answers, and to grow is to grow in compassion toward a Compassionate God.
Life opens up. Unfurles like a flower.
 
KEVIN_WILCOX said:
Life is an adventure. I wish you well.
Seems there are more questions in life than there are answers, and to grow is to grow in compassion toward a Compassionate God.
Life opens up. Unfurles like a flower.
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Or in my case, unfurls like a roll of toilet paper thrown over a tree. Flops open like a dropped burrito. Lands on its side, like a buttered cat.
 
Well, I just have to say that you are such a great inspiration to me - you’ve encouraged me in my own trials by witnessing your wisdom and courage - so , thanks:thumbsup:

IMO, the best response to your family, were they to ask you about your sexuality, would simply to politely respond that it is not their business. end of story.

My fear for you, if you were to tell them that you do suffer from SSA, is that they may eventually sabotage your efforts to live a good Catholic life. You may find them commenting how the fact that you ‘are gay’ in their mind, and your efforts to be Catholic are incompatible and you may be fighting a whole separate battle with that. Obviously we all know that being Catholic and having SSA are totally compatible, but the majority of people do not think so, and I have a feeling that your family is no exception.

I’ll be praying for you! I’ll also be praying for your family - that they will simply choose to love you and to support you in your desire to live a good life - you deserve to have your family there to lean on for support. Until that happens, God’s love will be sufficient for you- remember that.

God bless!
Apollos said:
Or in my case, unfurls like a roll of toilet paper thrown over a tree. Flops open like a dropped burrito. Lands on its side, like a buttered cat.
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Hugs to you, Apollos:)
 
“Like your comment - hate that word “preference” It implies one chooses one’s sexuality as if from a menu of options. I think it’s a bit more complicated than that.”

Oh yes I agree it is very complicated and I certainly don’t have a whole lot of knowledge on the subject. If it is a chosen lifestyle or if one is born this way? I wouldn’t have a clue. I really should edit “preference” for “lifestyle” I guess but, I haven’t a clue on how to do that now.

Seems I’m just plain clueless this morning. LOL! But your right, a bad choice of wording. Thanks for the correction.
 
It is true that it may not be their “business”. But on the other hand, presumably they love you.

I would consider speaking to your mom about this. I don’t know her, so I won’t say I advise it, but it may go a long way to making things better to speak to her frankly. She might be able to give you support, including with the rest of the family. And while her comment about not wanting a gay son must worry you, most moms still love their sons, and are willing to deal with difficult personal emotions to help them. I know I would much rather have my kids tell me about something terrible they were going through than try to protect me.

If your mom is really not the person to tell, is there someone else? Cpuncellors and priests are good, but a friend can also be very important. A group like Courage could be a very good thing if there is really no one.

Also, on a different note - while some people “overcome” SSA, others don’t. I have know a few people who caused themselves serious personal and spiritual problems by not accepting this possibility - they spent their lives chasing things that were unrealistic, and putting themselves in dangerous situations. So do please be open to that possibility - it is the main thing I worry about when people try to overcome SSA.
 
Bluegoat said:
Also, on a different note - while some people “overcome” SSA, others don’t. I have know a few people who caused themselves serious personal and spiritual problems by not accepting this possibility - they spent their lives chasing things that were unrealistic, and putting themselves in dangerous situations. So do please be open to that possibility - it is the main thing I worry about when people try to overcome SSA.
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True, some don’t, but what it comes down to is choice. You can choose to act out on your desires or not. Just like people who struggle with sexual addiction or lust can “choose” to act out or not. Each time they choose not to, they become stronger. SSA attractions are the same. The more we reach out to God and choose not to act out, the stronger we will become. That doesn’t mean we won’t sometimes have “falls”, but we learn from them and choose not to the next time, thus getting stronger with God’s grace.

There are many factors which go into overcoming, the least of which are learning to fill up on God, making healthy friendships and getting basic needs met so that we will not be left vulnerable.
 
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