Relationship advice

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JasontheRed said:
Thank you for your opinions. But, know that I must trust in God before any man. Through prayer I feel that God has called me to be in a relationship with this woman and I intend to follow his will and am so happy to do so. She also believes the same.
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If you truly believe this, that God sent you this woman, why are you questioning her looks? And why are you worried so much about what people think? You should be looking at your own morals and values and wondering why you are so focused on her face if you are called to love who she is.

And again, please do not toy with her emotions and waste her time when you are unsure of your own feelings toward her. That’s unnecessary and unfair to her.
 
Jason, I really encourage you to work with a counselor on having critical and controlling family.

Because the choice of a wife is only the beginning. So many people come on this forum with issues of controlling or critical parents who interfere with child rearing decisions, cause strife over holiday plans, where people live, their home, their choices regarding schooling, working, staying at home, etc.

It’s a never ending list. You need to be OK with your decisions and able to set boundaries and express yourself effectively in response to criticism and expectations.

The only people that matter in your marriage are you, your spouse, and your children. But everyone who orbits your universe can certainly impact it for better or worse and you need to be able to tune it all out or tell people to knock it off when they cross boundaries.

And, if this is all in your head regarding what you THINK others expect or think about your choices, then you need to deal with that too.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I find some of what you said here to be offensive and over dramatic. No one here said you were a sinner. But you came here and asked for advice/ opinions, and you got them. There is no sugar coating the truth, and it is obvious that you didn’t like what you heard. Maybe the mistake was ours, that we misunderstood what you wrote. But maybe you just didn’t like to hear what was said. Maybe you were expecting more support, or your word, compassion. I think that many posters did show compassion, but they showed it for the girl you are seeing.

I take offense for you using all of us as your reason to leave the Church. If your faith teeters on the edge because you don’t like what we said, that is a problem for you. What most people said had nothing to do with the fact that we are Catholic. It had to do with relationships. I am pretty certain you would have gotten the same response on a forum of another church as well. So please, refrain from trying to blame Catholicism for this, and threatening to leave the Church.

Perhaps you have not read enough threads to know that this site is filled with compassionate, caring, faith filled posters, and sprinkled with a few jerks that eventually get banned. People spend their time offering help, prayers, support and friendship to people, but all you see is that we are all concerned with your friend and how she feels. We have all been trying to help you see that sometimes the truth hurts. But it doesn’t mean that it is less truthful, and it certainly doesn’t mean that hearts can’t be changed.
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I think you’re missing the point. I came here admitting my faults that I felt bad about so, I could get advice to change and to let go of those worldly thoughts. Because, I love her. Not to hear that I don’t deserve her because I’m not perfect man and how immature and bad a man I am. Here’s a couple facts that my help.
  1. She’s madly in love with me and I’m madly in love with her.
  2. We Both feel that God brought us together and that we want to be married.
  3. We are both are super happy in our relationship and feel like we never want to be apart from one another.
  4. I’m physically and sexually attracted to her. Never once did I say she was ugly which is how some of you took it. The only fault of mine was the feeling that I felt pressure from my family and a shallow part of myself that I should be with someone more beautiful. Which I think is the part I was trying to change and get advice and encouragement here for. As I stated I didn’t like this part of me and I believe God can change me.
  5. Our families and friends both see our happiness and encourage our relationship.
Lastly my faith did not deter just because of the comments made here but, rather the contrast to the same post I made in a Christian forum and a secular forum. There was a stark contrast in manner in which people replied. So, I feel that it’s really discouraging that the people from my own faith acted so much colder than athiest and other Christians.

Also in the Christian forum people actually talked about God and the bible in their replies. Correct me if Im wrong but, I didn’t see one post here that did. Don’t you think that’s unsettling?!

Also, it’s a lot more than just here. Ive seen the same contrast in real life between catholics and other people. It like their are a small amount of wonderful Catholics and a whole lot of mean, cold ones. It’s bothered me for a long time. There are even many Catholics attacking the pope because of his kind, loving and open nature. Tell me that this is all Okay to you?

Part of my practice as a Catholic is to try and humble my self and remind my self that I am the first among sinners. That is the tone you found over dramatic I suppose. I’m sorry that you found my apology to you and others distasteful.

Praying for us. God bless you
 
JasontheRed said:
I met an amazing woman. She is so kind, caring, happy and hard working. More than any other woman I’ve ever dated. Most importantly she is a devout Catholic. She goes to church almost every day, prays and reads the bible every day and is always pointing me back to God. I feel like my relationship with God and the church is stronger because of her. I feel in love with her.

So what’s the problem? She sounds like the perfect one right? Well, it makes me feel horrible to say it but, I’m not sure about her looks. She’s petite and takes good care of herself yet but, while I feel terrible for saying it her face isn’t beautiful.

It’s the worst feeling in the world because I feel like I’ve found the perfect woman and I truly care about her yet, I’m letting something so shallow and vain get in the way. I feel like the worst man ever. I’m afraid that I’d always feel like I could have found a more attractive woman and I think that’s awful… She deserves to be loved and appreciated so much.

I need some advice on what I should do. Am I stupid to give up such a wonderful woman because of this or are looks actually important in a marriage? Is it Un-Christian for me to be having these feelings? Is it possible that God will help make me more attracted to her?

I really appreciate any advice!
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I’m quoting your original post to show how very different it is from your last post. You went from “I’m not sure about her looks…I’d always feel like I could have found a more attractive woman” to “She’s madly in love with me and I’m madly in love with her…I’m physically and sexually attracted to her.”

Your original post sounded like you were pretty lukewarm about this woman, in spite of the fact that she was “the perfect woman.” We advised you not to marry someone you didn’t truly love. This is compassionate advice for both of you.

If that’s not the case and you really are in love with her and wanting to marry her, then you need to own your decisions. As 1ke says, counseling may be helpful for you. This, too, is compassionate advice, because I have seen firsthand the horrible messes made by people who cannot make their own decisions without being afraid of what others will say. Frankly, that’s not a good attitude to carry into marriage.

I wish you and your girlfriend the best, and I think the other posters do, too.
 
heidi_storage said:
I’m quoting your original post to show how very different it is from your last post. You went from “I’m not sure about her looks…I’d always feel like I could have found a more attractive woman” to “She’s madly in love with me and I’m madly in love with her…I’m physically and sexually attracted to her.”

Your original post sounded like you were pretty lukewarm about this woman, in spite of the fact that she was “the perfect woman.” We advised you not to marry someone you didn’t truly love. This is compassionate advice for both of you.

If that’s not the case and you really are in love with her and wanting to marry her, then you need to own your decisions. As 1ke says, counseling may be helpful for you. This, too, is compassionate advice, because I have seen firsthand the horrible messes made by people who cannot make their own decisions without being afraid of what others will say. Frankly, that’s not a good attitude to carry into marriage.

I wish you and your girlfriend the best, and I think the other posters do, too.
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👍 This, OP.

Lou
 
I’d like to ask please that no one posts anymore in this thread. While it might not have been your intentions, this thread caused me a lot of distress and I didn’t sleep all last night because, yes, I’m a sensitive person and I felt ganged up on and made out to be someone that I’m not. I’ve never experienced something like this in my life before and it was hurtful coming from people from my own faith. From now on I know to only rely on and trust God. Yes, I’m a flawed person and that’s why I need God. I have been in counseling for years already. Just because I’m flawed and imperfect doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be loved like the rest of us.

I was shown a lot of love, and support to be a better more Godly man in another Christian forum. They actually talk about God and the bible and not just their holier than thou opinions. I’m going to explore some other churches in my area and be open to God’s will to what path I should follow. Jesus says you can judge a tree by the fruit it bears. Unfortunately, I have seen mostly bad fruit since returning to the Catholic church. That isn’t to diminish the many great Catholics I know… I’m just realizing that I need better fellowship than I’m receiving in the Catholic church. Peace be with you all.
 
JasontheRed said:
I’d like to ask please that no one posts anymore in this thread. While it might not have been your intentions, this thread caused me a lot of distress and I didn’t sleep all last night because, yes, I’m a sensitive person and I felt ganged up on and made out to be someone that I’m not. I’ve never experienced something like this in my life before and it was hurtful coming from people from my own faith. From now on I know to only rely on and trust God. Yes, I’m a flawed person and that’s why I need God. I have been in counseling for years already. Just because I’m flawed and imperfect doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be loved like the rest of us.

I was shown a lot of love, and support to be a better more Godly man in another Christian forum. They actually talk about God and the bible and not just their holier than thou opinions. I’m going to explore some other churches in my area and be open to God’s will to what path I should follow. Jesus says you can judge a tree by the fruit it bears. Unfortunately, I have seen mostly bad fruit since returning to the Catholic church. That isn’t to diminish the many great Catholics I know… I’m just realizing that I need better fellowship than I’m receiving in the Catholic church. Peace be with you all.
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What you’ve experienced sounds like the forum version of “love bombing.” I’d recommend you Google it. Based on what you seem to have experienced in your family, I would not be surprised if you’re susceptible to that tactic (and that you’re hostile and suspicious of gentle criticism. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.)

I think 1ke offered very good advice to you. Good luck, OP, and God bless you.
 
JasontheRed said:
I’d like to ask please that no one posts anymore in this thread. While it might not have been your intentions, this thread caused me a lot of distress and I didn’t sleep all last night because, yes, I’m a sensitive person and I felt ganged up on and made out to be someone that I’m not. I’ve never experienced something like this in my life before and it was hurtful coming from people from my own faith. From now on I know to only rely on and trust God. Yes, I’m a flawed person and that’s why I need God. I have been in counseling for years already. Just because I’m flawed and imperfect doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be loved like the rest of us.

I was shown a lot of love, and support to be a better more Godly man in another Christian forum. They actually talk about God and the bible and not just their holier than thou opinions. I’m going to explore some other churches in my area and be open to God’s will to what path I should follow. Jesus says you can judge a tree by the fruit it bears. Unfortunately, I have seen mostly bad fruit since returning to the Catholic church. That isn’t to diminish the many great Catholics I know… I’m just realizing that I need better fellowship than I’m receiving in the Catholic church. Peace be with you all.
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A couple days ago there was an amazing godly Catholic woman who pointed you to God and the church…

Now you say you are leaving because others opinions on a forum you asked a question on are not to your liking. Is this the kind of attempt to control others with emotional guilt and blackmail that the young woman might expect?

You calling someone else unattractive and then playing the victim card coupled with attempted guilt about causing you to leave along with the fact that this young lady has already had someone treat her poorly to manipulate her screams red flags!
The more I have read the more alarming your behavior is. I hope this is a trolling thread and that there are not real people potentially involved.
1ke is right on. Some counseling may be in order.
 
Sorry you’re feeling distressed, OP. Bear in mind that the replies you’ve received have come from Protestants, agnostics, and atheists, as well as Catholics.
 
heidi_storage said:
I’m quoting your original post to show how very different it is from your last post. You went from “I’m not sure about her looks…I’d always feel like I could have found a more attractive woman” to “She’s madly in love with me and I’m madly in love with her…I’m physically and sexually attracted to her.”

Your original post sounded like you were pretty lukewarm about this woman, in spite of the fact that she was “the perfect woman.” We advised you not to marry someone you didn’t truly love. This is compassionate advice for both of you.

If that’s not the case and you really are in love with her and wanting to marry her, then you need to own your decisions. As 1ke says, counseling may be helpful for you. This, too, is compassionate advice, because I have seen firsthand the horrible messes made by people who cannot make their own decisions without being afraid of what others will say. Frankly, that’s not a good attitude to carry into marriage.

I wish you and your girlfriend the best, and I think the other posters do, too.
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This. Yes. You’ve done an about face.
 
Wow! You don’t get the response you want so you are going to leave the church? If that is your definition of faith and your response when you don’t agree with something, you are going to be in for a hard time.

I think you should look inside yourself and really search. Read your original post back to yourself. You said her face is not attractive. Then you said you think you can do better. Now you say that the response to your post distresses you. Well it should because that is no way at all to think of a woman you claim to love and want to marry. Think of how she would feel if she reads those words you wrote about her. Think of how you would feel if she were talking about you like that.

You are not a victim of the community members here, you are feeling guilty because people showed compassion for your poor girlfriend. I mean really did you expect people to say it was OK? Because it is not. Be fair to her. Don’t waste her time or break her heart because you think you can do better.
 
JasontheRed said:
I’d like to ask please that no one posts anymore in this thread. While it might not have been your intentions, this thread caused me a lot of distress and I didn’t sleep all last night because, yes, I’m a sensitive person and I felt ganged up on and made out to be someone that I’m not. I’ve never experienced something like this in my life before and it was hurtful coming from people from my own faith. From now on I know to only rely on and trust God. Yes, I’m a flawed person and that’s why I need God. I have been in counseling for years already. Just because I’m flawed and imperfect doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be loved like the rest of us.

I was shown a lot of love, and support to be a better more Godly man in another Christian forum. They actually talk about God and the bible and not just their holier than thou opinions. I’m going to explore some other churches in my area and be open to God’s will to what path I should follow. Jesus says you can judge a tree by the fruit it bears. Unfortunately, I have seen mostly bad fruit since returning to the Catholic church. That isn’t to diminish the many great Catholics I know… I’m just realizing that I need better fellowship than I’m receiving in the Catholic church. Peace be with you all.
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Man. Passive-aggressive much?

I mean buddy. The first thing you laid out for us is you had a deep deep reason to love someone truly. But you were tripping over a really shallow and passing thing.

So naturally because we are compassionate we balked. But what you missed is we were compassionate to your girl-to-be. Maybe at your expense. Maybe.

But compassionate to her like you should be. I mean put the shoe on the other foot for a second and imagine how you’d feel having her post here saying the exact same things about you? Wouldn’t you have wanted us to stand up to her break in depth logic and point out she wasn’t treating you with respect?

Instead you came at us with all the false humility you could muster and turned this into a play for sympathy. For you. Instead of her. And now you’re on to emotional blackmail.

I think you’ve got a bit of a White Knight syndrome. It sounds like what you really wanted from us was admiration for rescuing this girl from the evil of her situational ugliness. I think what you were after was an atta-boy. Instead you got actual concrete advice on how to see yourself in the mirror.

You’re not the firefighter who’s putting out the fires. You’re the arsonist setting the fires and then trying to put them out. There’s a difference. So if you want to grow emotionally you’ll own that. You’ll practice what you preach.

Because if you really do believe you’re a miserable sinner like the rest of us? You’ll take the shots fired here as a sign you might want to check yourself for serious flaws. Rather than as a sign that Catholicism is full of nasty people. Nasty people who can’t see what a swell guy you are. But who instead first worry about a girl getting stepped on.

So that’s no real reason to join hands in a feel-good church of passing-fancy that pats you on the back for your efforts in ‘charity.’

Instead you’ve got the real Church with a real opinion on right and wrong. And in this case you’re wrong. Plain and simple. If you can’t deal with being told that once in a while you’re not marriage material. You’re 30. You should know better by now.

Simple as that.

Peace. And love. From a brother in the sensitive screw-up department. This advice is meant to shock you awake. Not hurt you with mean. I love your sensitivity. But I think your pride’s too big to carry right now. So let some air out of it and then read this again. You’ll see what I mean.

Hopefully.

-Trident
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
A couple days ago there was an amazing godly Catholic woman who pointed you to God and the church…

Now you say you are leaving because others opinions on a forum you asked a question on are not to your liking. Is this the kind of attempt to control others with emotional guilt and blackmail that the young woman might expect?

You calling someone else unattractive and then playing the victim card coupled with attempted guilt about causing you to leave along with the fact that this young lady has already had someone treat her poorly to manipulate her screams red flags!
The more I have read the more alarming your behavior is. I hope this is a trolling thread and that there are not real people potentially involved.
1ke is right on. Some counseling may be in order.
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I’ve asked to not receive any more posts like this. You don’t know me and I’ve done nothing but be loving and supportive to her and will continue to do so. I’m not perfect. I came here to ask for advice to improve myself. A few people did just that. But, others like you came here to make me out to be someone I’m not and point out my flaws. You’re not going to convince me that I’m some “Bad” guy because I know and God knows I’m not. You’ve already made me feel bad about myself so please stop. Peace be with you.
 
JasontheRed said:
I’ve asked to not receive any more posts like this. You don’t know me and I’ve done nothing but be loving and supportive to her and will continue to do so. I’m not perfect. I came here to ask for advice to improve myself. A few people did just that. But, others like you came here to make me out to be someone I’m not and point out my flaws. You’re not going to convince me that I’m some “Bad” guy because I know and God knows I’m not. You’ve already made me feel bad about myself so please stop. Peace be with you.
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Jason, you are freely posting here. There are forum rules about how we are to treat other posters. I am well within the bounds of the rules. You are free to never see this thread again, but it is a public venue to comment on. I wish you well. I hope you discuss your decision to go to another denomination with this woman who you wish to share a life with and raise a family with. I wonder what her thoughts about leaving her church are?

Also, I would caution you about this idea of being humble to the point of prideful about your sinfulness. You have said that you are the “greatest sinner”. Whatever that means. A chief difference between Catholics and Protestants is the idea that we are called to be holy. We are called to sainthood. And so an act of charity is to encourage or help others attain the same goal we strive for. That is why we have so many saints to help us. These are not perfect people but rather flawed people who became holy.
As for biblical references I guess there is always poor Leah and her struggles with finding a mate and then when she did never being the “lady” of the house.
But honestly there are many many saints who would possibly be better examples. One that comes to mind is st kateri tekawitha. Her face was disfigured by disease at a young age. One of her miracles after death was the return to an unblemished face post mortem.
There are millions of stories just like these, detailing the unimportance of physical appearance in the eyes of God. And when you say you want a godly love then you never should have taken into public your loves less than desirable appearance to you or others. Because, God, Jesus himself would not look at her that way.
The goal of a spouse is to help the other achieve heaven.

I truly hope you find th peace, help and encouragement you need. That may not be on an online forum with anonymous posters on the Internet. Do you have a good spiritual director? Do you attend adoration and the sacraments, including confession frequently?

I noticed in the past that you struggled with pornography. That is incredibly common these days. But it is wise, even if you have beaten that sin back, to realize that the damage from it could still be playing a part in your personal life and relationships. It is one of the largest effects of porn to damage and confuse the relationships of others. Especially mates.

Please take all the time necessary to get you self in position to be the spouse anyone needs, no matter thier appearance. She will thank you and so will your beautiful children.
 
If I follow the advice here I understand that I should dump my girlfriend, go to counseling and avoid any relationship until I have achieved a certain state Godliness and maturity.

I get that. I think that’s a great ideal. I’m not saying that I don’t agree with some of that. Like I’ve said I’ve been in counseling in and out for the last few years. I have a lot of trauma in my past to work on. I go to church every Sunday, confession on a regular basis, and non denominational bible study on Wednesdays. Also, I go to vespers at a Orthodox church on Saturdays, if you’re wondering were the first among sinners idea comes from. God’s doing a lot of good things in my life.

But, realize you are asking me to give up the most important thing in my life besides God. Like, I’ve said from the very first post, I love her deeply. I love her for who she truly is.

Yes I said she has a less attractive face. That sounds awful. I get that. I didn’t say that she isn’t still beautiful to me because I love her. Is it really that wrong to love someone despite their physical appearance? Is it really unfair to her if because of my love, I treat her as if she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. She is to me. Because, of who she is. Yes there is a shallow part of me that recognizes how other people see her. Yes, I wish I could get past the worry of thinking about it. That’s what I’m trying to be humble about and work on. Is that prideful to ask for support in that?

Of course I’m going to feel defensive and feel attacked when I’m told I’m not good enough, I need serious mental help and I should leave the woman I plan to marry. Put yourself in my shoes hearing that about concerning someone the person you love. That’s not an easy thing to give up based on people’s opinions online.

Obviously, I really suck at communicating, lol. I feel totally misunderstood… I wish you could see what our relationship in real life. We feel extremely blessed to have each other. We are deeply in love. Peace
 
JasontheRed said:
If I follow the advice here I understand that I should dump my girlfriend, go to counseling and avoid any relationship until I have achieved a certain state Godliness and maturity.

I get that. I think that’s a great ideal. I’m not saying that I don’t agree with some of that. Like I’ve said I’ve been in counseling in and out for the last few years. I have a lot of trauma in my past to work on. I go to church every Sunday, confession on a regular basis, and non denominational bible study on Wednesdays. Also, I go to vespers at a Orthodox church on Saturdays, if you’re wondering were the first among sinners idea comes from. God’s doing a lot of good things in my life.

But, realize you are asking me to give up the most important thing in my life besides God. Like, I’ve said from the very first post, I love her deeply. I love her for who she truly is.

Yes I said she has a less attractive face. That sounds awful. I get that. I didn’t say that she isn’t still beautiful to me because I love her. Is it really that wrong to love someone despite their physical appearance? Is it really unfair to her if because of my love, I treat her as if she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. She is to me. Because, of who she is. Yes there is a shallow part of me that recognizes how other people see her. Yes, I wish I could get past the worry of thinking about it. That’s what I’m trying to be humble about and work on. Is that prideful to ask for support in that?

Of course I’m going to feel defensive and feel attacked when I’m told I’m not good enough, I need serious mental help and I should leave the woman I plan to marry. Put yourself in my shoes hearing that about concerning someone the person you love. That’s not an easy thing to give up based on people’s opinions online.

Obviously, I really suck at communicating, lol. I feel totally misunderstood… I wish you could see what our relationship in real life. We feel extremely blessed to have each other. We are deeply in love. Peace
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I don’t understand. She has a “less attractive face” but she is “beautiful” to you…so why is this a problem?

Counseling will help you to work out if this thought is coming from your parents, you or some other place. One thing though - don’t get married until you sort it.

Lou
 
JasontheRed said:
If I follow the advice here I understand that I should dump my girlfriend, go to counseling and avoid any relationship until I have achieved a certain state Godliness and maturity.

I get that. I think that’s a great ideal. I’m not saying that I don’t agree with some of that. Like I’ve said I’ve been in counseling in and out for the last few years. I have a lot of trauma in my past to work on. I go to church every Sunday, confession on a regular basis, and non denominational bible study on Wednesdays. Also, I go to vespers at a Orthodox church on Saturdays, if you’re wondering were the first among sinners idea comes from. God’s doing a lot of good things in my life.

But, realize you are asking me to give up the most important thing in my life besides God. Like, I’ve said from the very first post, I love her deeply. I love her for who she truly is.

Yes I said she has a less attractive face. That sounds awful. I get that. I didn’t say that she isn’t still beautiful to me because I love her. Is it really that wrong to love someone despite their physical appearance? Is it really unfair to her if because of my love, I treat her as if she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. She is to me. Because, of who she is. Yes there is a shallow part of me that recognizes how other people see her. Yes, I wish I could get past the worry of thinking about it. That’s what I’m trying to be humble about and work on. Is that prideful to ask for support in that?

Of course I’m going to feel defensive and feel attacked when I’m told I’m not good enough, I need serious mental help and I should leave the woman I plan to marry. Put yourself in my shoes hearing that about concerning someone the person you love. That’s not an easy thing to give up based on people’s opinions online.

Obviously, I really suck at communicating, lol. I feel totally misunderstood… I wish you could see what our relationship in real life. We feel extremely blessed to have each other. We are deeply in love. Peace
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I find the attitude in this post to be quite disturbing. How do you know how other people see her? Can you read people’s minds whenever she walks by? You really have no idea. The attitude that is seeping through here is one of your superior view of yourself in comparison to her. You seem to think that you’re doing her a favour by dating her. In one breath you’re extolling her virtues and Godliness, the next you’re threatening to leave the Church and talking about how unattractive she is. I really think that if you loved this woman you would look at her and see the most beautiful woman alive. You can’t say that you think she’s beautiful and then say that you think everyone else views her as unattractive. It doesn’t make sense. Who else even said to you “your girlfriend is not very attractive”. If someone did say words to that effect then surely, instead of doubting her beauty, you’d correct them?

I don’t understand how you can say that she’s beautiful to you while maintaining that she’s unattractive?
 
New poster. Not sure “Catholic?”

Looks like a “test” to me/

I suppose we all failed.

:coffeeread:
 
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