Relationship advice

[JustinK]

Of course love is putting others first, but there is affection, and then there is love. Love, in action, doesn’t always feel good. For example, my ex boyfriend from ions ago- he fell heavily into drug abuse (part of why we broke up). His parents, thank God were wealthy enough to send him off to one of those boot camps for drug abuse. That, I’m sure, did NOT feel good for them to do, but it was the last straw while he was still under their guardianship. They only had a few years to go until he turned 18 and by then it would have been too late legally for them to act. I’m sure it was hurtful for them but they were trying to do all they could to make him see straight.

This is somewhat a bad analogy since you are not a parent of your girlfriend. Its a different type of love relationship. You can’t really be her parent, though in a way you can, by setting up this boundary hopefully she will see her fault more clearly and seek to remedy it. Thing is, if she doesn’t get this with this relationship, I’m sure the next guy in her life with get this as well. Break up or no breakup pending… perhaps this is what all this is about? And maybe for you to learn to not let someone you love mistreat you without speaking up and holding your boundary well.

Listen, I assume you have talked with her and set the boundaries you need (I assume this because you said you separated and it sounds like you talked) I hope that you were very clear to her with your feelings and needs- if not, and if things aren’t severed too completely already, and you are feeling conflicted about breaking up, then go ahead and talk with her again so that it IS clear this time. If she has already moved on to another relationship, then I would not. I’d let it go. Let God. Get closer to God, make GOD and what he wants for YOU your investment, and God will direct your steps from there.

Its up to her if she wants to change. If she does, if she has shown signs that she wants to and needs to- then maybe this is ok, but it still is up to you what you want and most of all… need.

By the way I second what both angel1 and Lou posted.

I need to remember that she’s sapping all energy and time from me so I can’t shine for others to see.

Yea, I need to speak up more. My brother was the one who gave me the idea for a 2 week break. He told me I need to set boundaries and if I want to continue this, those boundaries have to be set.

Thing is, whenever we try to talk about the relationship, she puts it off. That’s why I’m giving her, us, 2 weeks to try to decide the type of life we want to live as separate people. I’m just afraid that we won’t be able to have a civil discussion. The ideal situation would be talking it out like 2 grown adults. Going through bullet points and seeing that something has to change for any growth whatsoever. But knowing her, she wouldn’t see why she needs to change or why I can’t just love her for her. I have no doubts she can find someone else to love her like she needs.

One of the things that gets me hung up is she dated someone and had relations with him. Thing is, he’s getting married now. If I hadn’t said anything, she might be happy with him right now. But that was the thing that made me tell her how I felt. Because I feared losing her.

It’s so easy to fall back into the ‘oh let’s talk all the time’ or ‘oh you’re all I need’.

I just have to remember how she made me feel. I couldn’t live my own life with her and I felt guilty for doing so.

Part of me almost wants to wait until she responds. Wait more than 2 weeks. But I can’t wait forever.

I wish she could reciprocate.

Also, there’s the issue of bringing up all the deep things. Sure, she might look past the making me feel guilty. But what about my values and my dreams? She might not be able to share them. Then it comes down to the fact that we did all of this for nothing. I knew she had different values a long time ago. She doesn’t really get my humor or she just tells me my poetry is fine. We never talk. Like, say anything more than fine when I ask how your day was. I want to know why it was fine. I want to know more than just one word responses.

Maybe it’s going to come down to me just giving up and moving on. But I fear everyone after her is just going to feel like I’m trying to replace her.

But maybe there is someone out there who understands where I’m coming from and who I don’t have to stress over so much.

And if she sees everything I wrote about her, would she be like ‘aww that’s nice’ or would she understand that I care about her enough to write out a million things about her?

Another thing is maybe I spent all my time focusing on her that I forgot to focus on myself.

There’s a song that I’ve had in my head.

youtube.com/watch?v=qHBoIftBV00

It makes me think of Love.

‘I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become’

But then there’s another song in my head.

youtube.com/watch?v=iA_An4SyQYQ

‘I wish
Wishing for you to find your way
And I’ll hold on for all you need
That’s all we need to say
I’ll take my chances while
You take your time with
This game you play
But I can’t control your soul
You need to let me know
You leaving or you gonna stay’

I’ll hold on for all you need that’s all we need to say. I’ve held on for so long. And she keeps playing games so I need to know if she wants and accepts my values and morals.

Eh. Sorry the post was longer than anticipated.

 

[JustinK]

Also, Lou. You might enjoy this song. You made me think of it when you told me a breakup is like a death.

youtube.com/watch?v=FUSzVFA8ZtQ

 

[AnneElizabeth]

Justin,

I just wanted to say again that speaking with a priest privately about this mater would help you so much more than we here at CA could do. I worried already this morning about what I’ve said on this matter here at CA just because I realized I really cannot guide you, especially since its very hard to see the situation you are describing, I can only offer feedback on what I’m understanding from your posts and that may not be for the best. I do hope you take what people say here - me included- with a grain of salt.
I do think though you'd greatly benefit from speaking with a priest privately on this matter. - Not confession, although you can do that there- but set up an appointment. Its easy, and just one of the wonderful gifts the church has to offer. Heck, go to a monastery to chat if anything. That is available for you as a parishoner too. Its very comforting to follow the advice of someone whose job it is to lead by The Holy Spirit, who is separated from the world, who is not involved in a situation where his feelings might cloud one's sight. Family members and lay people might give great advice, but its my opinion that Fathers know best.

 

[Lou2U]

I don’t think you’re a fool. It’s perfectly natural to feel like you do, there’s nothing wrong with it. But that doesn’t also make it wrong to pull back, to move on. You trust her, you love her, you’re used to her being in your life. But she wasn’t good for you, in the sense that you feel guilty and selfish. It’s so hard to reconcile the two, but you’ll get there.

There is a you without her. It may not feel like it, but there is. It’s waiting to be explored, to be rediscovered. In regards to Snape and Lily, you’re right about his dedication. But he loved a woman who didn’t love him back, and he grew very bitter and cruel because of it. Unrequited love isn’t necessarily good - as Dumbledore said, “it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live”.

You’re doing so well, better than you know. Keep going.

Also, Lou. You might enjoy this song. You made me think of it when you told me a breakup is like a death.

youtube.com/watch?v=FUSzVFA8ZtQ

I did like that sing, thanks for sharing it! I think a relationship is like a death and it is perfectly natural to grieve for it. Take as long as you need. But you’ll come through the other side. You just need to give yourself time.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

Justin,

I just wanted to say again that speaking with a priest privately about this mater would help you so much more than we here at CA could do. I worried already this morning about what I’ve said on this matter here at CA just because I realized I really cannot guide you, especially since its very hard to see the situation you are describing, I can only offer feedback on what I’m understanding from your posts and that may not be for the best. I do hope you take what people say here - me included- with a grain of salt.

I do think though you'd greatly benefit from speaking with a priest privately on this matter. - Not confession, although you can do that there- but set up an appointment.   Its easy, and just one of the wonderful gifts the church has to offer.   Heck, go to a monastery to chat if anything.  That is available for you as a parishoner too.    Its very comforting to follow the advice of someone whose job it is to lead by The Holy Spirit, who is separated from the world, who is not involved in a situation where his feelings might cloud one's sight.   Family members and lay people might give great advice, but its my opinion that Fathers know best.

Anne, thank you for all the advice. I’m not sure a priest would understand this situation. He might, if he was in love once. Or maybe if he felt God didn’t reciprocate his feelings. I understand having a fresh look at it from an outsider view though.

Tonight’s going to be another hard night. I’m remembering things she said and things we did. I still have hope somewhere that I can change her mind about things if I just could see her.

I hate how all I wanted was to live a little of my life. And now that she’s not in it, all I want is to have her in my arms.

It feels like I made a huge mistake but it happened for a reason, I guess. I just don’t know what I’m going to say to her after this week is up. I fear I’ll be stuck in love again. Stuck. But I’ll at least stop hurting.

Nothing is the same without her and it’s horrible.

Again, thank you so much for all of your advice. I know I can be stubborn and blinded by love.

 

[JustinK]

I don’t think you’re a fool. It’s perfectly natural to feel like you do, there’s nothing wrong with it. But that doesn’t also make it wrong to pull back, to move on. You trust her, you love her, you’re used to her being in your life. But she wasn’t good for you, in the sense that you feel guilty and selfish. It’s so hard to reconcile the two, but you’ll get there.

There is a you without her. It may not feel like it, but there is. It’s waiting to be explored, to be rediscovered. In regards to Snape and Lily, you’re right about his dedication. But he loved a woman who didn’t love him back, and he grew very bitter and cruel because of it. Unrequited love isn’t necessarily good - as Dumbledore said, “it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live”.

You’re doing so well, better than you know. Keep going.

I did like that sing, thanks for sharing it! I think a relationship is like a death and it is perfectly natural to grieve for it. Take as long as you need. But you’ll come through the other side. You just need to give yourself time.

Lou

My coworker told me to focus on all the bad things to help me get through it and get over her. When the time’s right, then I can focus on the good memories.

That idea of a me without her is soo hard to fathom. I’m not as happy as I thought I’d be. It’s impossible to see any life but a life with her. But if I keep having these thoughts, they’ll pull me back in and I’ll try to please her in whatever way just so I stay with her and I know that’s wrong. But the whole relationship was people telling both of us it was a weird relationship, so I don’t know.

Thank you for the example of him being bitter and cruel. That’s not how I want to end up. I can’t dwell on a dream that will never be and forget to live. I’ve done that for years now.

My thing is I have no clue what to say to her in a week. ‘Did you miss me?’ ‘Okay so if you wanna be together, you’re going to have to change?’ That just sounds cruel to me.

I know, I know. I’m stubborn.

People tell me to keep my mind occupied. Go out and play pool or hang with friends. One of my coworkers wants to talk to her and tell her how my week without her has gone. Tell her how much I love her. It’s hard to keep my mind busy when she’s all that’s on it. It’s hard not to text her. But I need to remember it’s a great big world out there. I need to try to focus on having fun and enjoying my time. I just wonder if she’s looking up at the same sky tonight and thinking of me.

Part of me just is sick of trying and I’m just thinking of deleting her from my life. I’m sick of feeling this way. I’m sick of crying even after I told myself a thousand times that it’d be the last time I’d cry over her. Part of me is hoping her friends tell her I’m not worth it just so we can both move on from it. I think I care too much. But maybe caring for someone is letting them go. Maybe it’s realizing that as much as you care, you can’t care for someone so much that they care about you. At least in a way that you both need.

I remember how I was lost in a sea of possibility before meeting her. I didn’t know what I wanted. And I still don’t know. I just don’t want to go back to that. Maybe I’m seeing her as hope that love exists. My coworker told me tonight how there’s not ‘the one’. But why do I see her that way now? Simply because I don’t have her?

I’m not sure. Maybe she needs someone to understand her on her level.

Maybe we can remain friends somehow. But the relationship we had, talking all the time like we were dating but never dating has to be over if I have a chance at moving on.

It’s just hard to come to terms with not seeing her again. She has the cutest nose and freckle on her cheek. We had so many names for each other. Bleh.

I think of the Taylor Swift song. ‘We haven’t seen each other in a month when you said you needed space, what?’ Except for us it’s ‘We haven’t seen each other in 3 years when you said you needed space, what?’

Ugh, the last time we broke up. She told me I was overanalyzing things and she wanted us to be like we used to. Now THAT was hard. After just getting broke up with all of a sudden and then shifting my mind to just being friends and not telling her that I loved her or calling her cute names anymore. But that’s how much I cared about her, I guess.

She told me once that anything I do with her is special. Even just sitting on the couch eating popcorn. I asked her if it’s still be special and she told me she guessed. Then she told me she loves me very much as a friend but she’s not sure if she loves me the same as she used to. I may never know why.

But I know I didn’t really change anything I was doing. We still talked every night. I remember wondering how I could change myself to get her to love me again. But how is that different from asking her to change things for me?

Thank you for the advice. I’m glad you enjoyed the song.

 

[Lou2U]

I do think that the best thing for you to do in this situation is to take a step back, and let go. Give yourself time to think, a chance to breathe. You don’t have to see her in a week if you don’t want to - it’s fine to want more time to mull everything over.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask someone to change, as long as the behaviour you want to change is damaging or unhealthy. It’s not wrong to ask of her things that will improve your relationship, will make you happier, etc, but as you know, it may not happen.

Your posts are reminding me a little bit of a different Taylor Swift song, I Almost Do:
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t
I almost do, I almost do

I think you’re doing so well, and I think you’re incredibly brave and strong for recognising something that isn’t good for you, and you’re doing something about it. It may not be what you want, or what you thought would happen, but I really admire you for it :console: .

Lou

 

[JustinK]

I do think that the best thing for you to do in this situation is to take a step back, and let go. Give yourself time to think, a chance to breathe. You don’t have to see her in a week if you don’t want to - it’s fine to want more time to mull everything over.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask someone to change, as long as the behaviour you want to change is damaging or unhealthy. It’s not wrong to ask of her things that will improve your relationship, will make you happier, etc, but as you know, it may not happen.

Your posts are reminding me a little bit of a different Taylor Swift song, I Almost Do:
And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that
Everytime I don’t
I almost do, I almost do

I think you’re doing so well, and I think you’re incredibly brave and strong for recognising something that isn’t good for you, and you’re doing something about it. It may not be what you want, or what you thought would happen, but I really admire you for it :console: .

Lou

Yea, I have taken a giant step back. It’s kind of sudden, actually. I never planned for any of this. But then again, all her past breaks/whatever they were were unplanned.

I’ve been talking to my coworker and roommate about it a lot. My coworker has only been in love once and I remind him of himself at my age. He did everything for that girl at the snap of a finger.

He told me that it took him forever to see his way, but once he did, he was never the same.

He also related to the world feeling alone and empty during a break up.

Tonight, I was walking to my mailbox and I imagined her with me in the hall. It wasn’t sad, but it wasn’t happy either. It just was.

I talked to my roommate about it and he brought up his past relationships. It kind of made me realize that maybe this isn’t all there is. But even so, maybe we’re meant to be somehow.

I remember being into this girl in college for the LONGEST time. But then she told me something that I couldn’t accept at the time and that was that, I guess.

Maybe all this is showing me that there is a life outside of her.

I’ve also been thinking about what she told me. That I was making her choose between getting her life together and being with me. But we aren’t even dating according to her. The last thing she told me was that she loved me as a friend but wasn’t sure if she loved me like she used to. But then we continued talking and falling asleep together at night

Yea, I know. It’s messy and confusing. We’ve both known this though. It’s also hard because it’s long distance. I just feel like if I was with her things would be different. But then we’d have to uproot our lives. But we’ve been through so much together. But some days that isn’t as important as other thoughts I have.

I told my coworker that if she looked me in the eyes and asked if I loved her, I wouldn’t know. He told me to say that then.

Anyway, yea that song sounds a lot like me this past week. I’ve come so close to texting her a few times just to let her know she’s still on my mind. But then I remember how I told myself to step back. I just wonder if she hasn’t moved on herself yet, or if she has another person she talk to about me like how I used to be the person she ran to about things.

I also think about if I’m going to show her everything I wrote about her on a blog primarily dedicated to getting thoughts of our relationship out. Because part of me just thinks she won’t care or understand. And part of me wants to be done trying for something that seems like a lost cause most times.

Eh. Just random thoughts. All in all a good night, though.

Thank you for the support!

 

[JustinK]

A thought just crossed my mind.

She told me once that she didn’t regret this relationship.

She also told me how having relations with her ex wasn’t special but she didn’t regret it.

Was I just one of her ‘no regrets’?

People say live with no regrets but… I just feel meaningless to her because of it. Maybe that’s all I was all along? Just a true shiny puppet on a string.

Sleeping is going to be hard now. But this has given me more to think about.

 

[JustinK]

I still wish I could change her mind, though.

My coworker says it’s not fair to ask anybody to change and how love is acceptance. I told him how she told me the same thing.

But, I wish she could see where I’m coming from. Whenever I bring it up, she says it’s just my opinion.

I gotta go to bed, I’m flipflopping so hard right now.

How do you know when to stop waiting on someone? You can’t really wait for someone to change into something you want because that’s not fair. I understand asking someone to grow and cultivate a relationship with you, though. Maybe that’s what I should say.

I really feel like I’m the last person on Earth that holds out hope for true love sometimes. Seems like people just see relationships as too much work and I’d hate to turn into one of them. Just using other people when it’s convenient for me.

I’ve been told I’ve put too much work into this one though and it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve been told if I’m trying to see love then maybe it’s not there.

I guess I just need more time? More time to miss her? Or more time to let her fade away?

 

[Lou2U]

You’re doing really well, and you’re being really strong. It’ll all be worth it for you in the end.

I remember a section of another song, but I don’t recall the name of it - it’s something like “dry my eyes and then keep moving until the motion makes me strong, until one day I realise I don’t remember that you’re gone”. I think it sounds like you do need more time to get used to being without her. You know this, but if she’s dismissing your attempts to improve the relationship with “that’s just your opinion”, it doesn’t seem like she’s willing for anything to change. And if you want change and she wants the same, you shouldn’t compromise on that or try and work around it because you deserve better than that.

You will find love, Justin, I’m sure of it. Your honesty and your empathy will get you to someone who loves you. It just may not be who you thought it would be, and that’s okay. It’s hard, but it is okay. And you’ll be okay, too.

Right now, put yourself first. Do things that you enjoy, keep talking to your roommate and your coworker, give yourself time to work out what it is you want and then don’t compromise on it, no matter how hard. You’ll be okay.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

You’re doing really well, and you’re being really strong. It’ll all be worth it for you in the end.

I remember a section of another song, but I don’t recall the name of it - it’s something like “dry my eyes and then keep moving until the motion makes me strong, until one day I realise I don’t remember that you’re gone”. I think it sounds like you do need more time to get used to being without her. You know this, but if she’s dismissing your attempts to improve the relationship with “that’s just your opinion”, it doesn’t seem like she’s willing for anything to change. And if you want change and she wants the same, you shouldn’t compromise on that or try and work around it because you deserve better than that.

You will find love, Justin, I’m sure of it. Your honesty and your empathy will get you to someone who loves you. It just may not be who you thought it would be, and that’s okay. It’s hard, but it is okay. And you’ll be okay, too.

Right now, put yourself first. Do things that you enjoy, keep talking to your roommate and your coworker, give yourself time to work out what it is you want and then don’t compromise on it, no matter how hard. You’ll be okay.

Lou

Thanks.

Today’s homily hit home for me. The priest was going on vacation and lost his phone before leaving on the plane. His life was in the phone so he was anxious. But what he found out was that the vacation was made better because of it. He got a chance to relax. A chance he wouldn’t have had if he had his phone. He then talked about addiction. He said that in order to see how addicted to something you are, go without it for a bit. It made me reflect on my situation. That and the ‘we rise again from ashes’ song that played helped me think on things.

My coworker tonight compared it to food. You have to eat to make yourself better if you’re sick even if you don’t feel like it. I asked her when to stop trying and I was told when she stops trying. She also told me to text her randomly saying how I miss her and am thinking of her. If she responds negatively, tell her how I made a mistake and have a nice day. She also told me I have the upper hand now.

Tonight, I’m going out with a friend to play pool. It’s one of the first things I feel like I’ve done for myself in a long time since all my focus was on our relationship for years.

We’re going to the same place that I went to when she broke it off last time. I remember getting ready and sending her a picture. She told me she liked my shirt and I should grow my hair out. That was when a song came on karaoke ‘I don’t want you back, you’re just the best I’ve ever had.’ That was the night she asked me if she came there right then if we’d have relations. (There’s the differences in values again, I’d be content just holding her). That was the night she told me she missed me and I got mad so I said no you don’t. ‘Yes I do’. ‘Call me I miss your voice.’ That was the night she told me ‘You’re my B and you always will be.’ My roommate told me so many times to put my phone down.

It’s the same place she sent me a picture of the gift she had been working for months for me. She asked me if I liked it and she hoped I did. I loved it. It was a scrapbook of us and then I only saw the cover but it was titled ‘Our Story.’

These are all the things she doesn’t see me doing for her. I wonder if she would like it. But it feels like she’s slowly slipping away and I’m letting it happen and part of me still doesn’t know why.

Tonight, though. I won’t be checking my phone and I won’t be stressed about getting home in time to call her before she goes to bed. I won’t feel guilty for not responding. It’s going to be really weird.

I think we can remain friends but it’ll take me a bit to get past the feelings of love or whatever it is that I still feel. I’m still not sure what to tell her. I know I hurt her. I didn’t mean to. It’s still hard to think that the second I hear her voice, my heart might melt and I’d want to refrain from making her mad. But now I’m kind of past the point of no return and I know that I don’t want to go back to what it was with the cuddling and the pet names. I know I can’t change her and it’s not fair to her either. It sucks because we’ve both known this was a messy situation. I still get flashes of her in my mind and things she has said. I just hope she can find her happiness even if I’m not it.

The other thing is that if she tells me that I don’t care. I feel like I’d be angry and want to show her all the things I have done for her that she hasn’t seen. But if this is ending, I would want it to end on as good of a note possible so that I don’t hurt her further and we have a better chance of remaining friends in the future. I told her once that I wish we could just be friends after she had told me some of her views on things when I visited her. And I know she wants to keep talking, at least she did before all this happened. I just have to be careful to not slip back into the same routine we’ve had.

I’m not sure I will pursue love after this for awhile. I might just focus on myself. But she was something special. Still is. I never was pursuing love or thought I’d ever be in it, but it happened with her. I just hope she’ll find someone who treats her how she needs or feels like she needs to be treated.

I may never know what I want exactly. And it’s hard to think I’ll fold and go back to my old ways with her, just because as much as not having someone depend on me is nice, part of me misses it. Misses her.

I think the true test will be when I see her with someone else and being okay with it not being me.

But for tonight, I’ll try and enjoy myself.
Thank you again for your kind words and advice.

 

[JustinK]

Tonight was interesting.

I got dressed and originally wore my flannel jacket. But then I remembered how she always talked about it, so I had to change.

It was nice playing pool and she wasn’t on my mind.

Then I got home and all I wanted to do was hold her. So bad.

Tried to play some games to get my mind off of it but she’s still on my mind. I find myself wondering if I’m on hers, too.

The hardest thought to overcome was the difference in values. I love her so much but I know it’s probably because it’s getting close to me making a decision. It feels like the time I couldn’t get past the value thing with the other girl in college except 100 times worse because I actually want this to work.

Except I know she’ll want things again because she sees it as love. And I know if someone loves you, they won’t expect you to show it like she expects me to.

In order for that to happen, I’d have to be married to her.

In order for that to happen, I’d have to actually date her,

In order for that to happen, I’d have to have a talk about what I want in a relationship.

Originally, all I wanted was more communication.

I wanted her to understand what I meant when I said I needed some space.

I wanted her to understand where I was coming from with parts of my life that are deeply rooted in me.

If that didn’t suit her, I’d have to break it off because it will never work.

And now all I want is what I can’t have.

I’m going to see her with other people and wish I could be different.

I’m going to see her with other people and wish I could be like them.

And I know if I tell her that I love her but I can’t be with her, she won’t understand.

Because I can’t change her.

And it will kill both of us.

There are no winners in this.

Sigh, just another night of a confused mind not knowing what it really wants.

I’m not sure what to pray for. Clarity? A peaceful mind?

 

[Lou2U]

It’s so, so normal to feel like you do after a break-up, or after taking some time away from someone you really care about and you’ve experienced every emotion in the book with. You’re questioning and second-guessing, and that’s okay. As long as you can do it with as clear a head as possible - remember why you wanted time apart, remember what it is you weren’t getting in that relationship. You shouldn’t necessarily ignore your heart but don’t follow it so much you forget your head. I don’t think you will.

You can’t change her. You can’t change that there may be things between you that are incompatible. At the same time, you can’t change what you experienced together, and how you felt being with her. All you can do is give yourself the time to grieve through it, learn how to pick yourself up and carry on. It is a cliche, but time will help. It may not feel like it, but it keeps going, and so will you with it.

If you see her and she tells you that you don’t care, there’s nothing wrong with telling her (as calmly as you can) that you do care, and that you may always care. But that doesn’t equal getting back into a relationship, getting back to how it was before with no changes, nothing to make you happier and feel less guilty and selfish.

I don’t know if you already do this, but if you don’t turn your phone off at night, maybe that would help with you missing her? Instead of hoping for it to ring, you can remind yourself that it won’t because it’s turned off, and the only thing you need to do is focus on getting some sleep. I know that when I go on holiday, I turn my phone off for the duration and I focus on other things I love to do - reading, writing, spending time with my family, having new experiences. I think it may be a little similar to your situation. I do get a little panicky at the start because I wonder what’ll happen if someone tries to contact me and I don’t reply, but the longer I go without it, the better I feel because I’m taking time out for me. The times when I use my phone the most is usually when I feel the worst about keeping it turned off, but I really have found it’s better to leave it off than keep constantly turning it on. I don’t know if this is helpful to you, but I’ve found that your Priest is right.

Focus on you. Focus on what you like, focus on what you’ll do at work and what you’ll do with your friends. Try not to think of the ‘what ifs’ because they’ll drive you mad. Give yourself all the time you need.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

Thank you, Lou.

Yea it really isn’t a fun feeling at all. I woke up today missing her and what could be. I thought about her and other people and it made me sick.

I thought about the good times we had and it made me think of the good times we still could have. The good times a big part of me wants to have. If only I was a different person, maybe all the messy things like values and such wouldn’t matter.

But then I thought about how restricted I felt for absolutely no reason. I was so scared of losing her and look what happened anyway. I have no idea how to tell her any of that without her becoming angry.

I remember being with friends at a convention. This was earlier on in the relationship. They were swimming and they asked if I wanted to come or talk with them and I was busy on the phone. I liked being at her attention more. Back then we were just friends but still talking everyday, so I liked it.

I also remember being at camp. The counselors weren’t allowed to have their phones but I worked the kitchen so I could have mine. I’d call her on breaks and at night. But by doing so, I missed out on a lot that I could have done. I’m not blaming her for it. I can’t. Because I did love hearing her voice.

Then it got to a point where anything I did that was without her made me feel incredibly bad and guilty. What’s worse is I justified it by telling myself that’s what I should have felt for not being with her. That if I really loved her, I wouldn’t mind being with her.

She’s not as close with me as she used to be. We used to Skype and send each other video messages talking about our day. It improved our relationship I felt since we could see each other.

I feel that we’ve always had a hard time just talking about our days, though. Like we always had trouble finding what to say before we just chilled until we fell asleep. But I guess that’s just what it was.

I’m finding that I want to make her happy. But I want to make her happy in a way that makes me happy as well. I recognize that I am emotional and flip flop for days. I just want us to mutually rip it off like a bandaid. I’ve cried and hurt a needless amount of times throughout this relationship. I do that. I put in effort to things that don’t require it. I’ve always done things the hard way and not the smart way.

I’m finding that no matter how much I wish she agreed with my values or reciprocated the work I put in to this, it’s something that might not be able to change.

The hard part is the hope. ‘Oh if I love her enough or see her more none of this would matter because we’d be with each other and just live.’

I remember us working on some aspects of the relationship here and there. One of the first things I told her was that I want a bunch of different experiences with different people. This was when I was young and naive. She asked me if I couldn’t just have all those experiences with one person. A week or so later she asked me if it’s bad if she liked me. I was scared because before that point, my mind had attached itself to the ideas of all these other people. But we kept talking.

I remember her holding on through the hard times we had and telling myself that if she saw through it, then she had to be the one.

I remember how everybody told us not to be together but we defied the odds. It’s kind of like that Taylor Swift song: ‘Don’t you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at thing that shine and life makes love look hard. The stakes are high, the water’s rough, but this love is ours.’

I’m certainly seeing songs in a totally different way recently.

But I can’t ignore how we have virtually nothing in common and how one of us would have to uproot their lives to be with the other person. I can’t ignore how bad I felt when I knew something would disappoint her (as I felt it should) but it felt unnecessarily bad for unnecessary reasons.

I also won’t be able to ignore the feeling of warmth and comfort when I talk to her again. The world seems open but empty and dark without her in it.

And I know nothing good will come of me showing her how much I care if I make the decision to leave. It will just hurt both of us more.

Sorry for the ramble. By the way, she hasn’t texted me in a week and I’ve since been texting some friends about the situation. It is nice to live a bit without the distraction of a phone, isn’t it?

Thank you again for all of the support.

 

[Lou2U]

I agree with everything you’ve written. Your relationship got unhealthy, you took a step back, and now you’re trying to work out all your feelings. I know I’ve already said it, but I really admire you for having the ability and courage to take that step. Keep remembering what you wanted to change, and why you wanted it. If you talk again in the future, remember those reasons, and don’t compromise on them. It’s really good to hear that you don’t want to compromise on things that make you happy, that you don’t want to go back to feeling selfish and guilty all the time. It means you’re much less likely to do so.

Being without phones is good. It takes away that feeling of obligation to others, and I always find that I’m thinking more on what I like, and what I want than what I would do normally. It’s nice to have that break away, like a vacation all in itself.

The world is open, and it may feel darker because you don’t have what you used to for lights. But you’ll find them, new, unexpected, and all the colours in the world. Another quote from Harry Potter - “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”. You’ll find them. Just don’t hold back from flicking any switches when you reach them.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

I agree with everything you’ve written. Your relationship got unhealthy, you took a step back, and now you’re trying to work out all your feelings. I know I’ve already said it, but I really admire you for having the ability and courage to take that step. Keep remembering what you wanted to change, and why you wanted it. If you talk again in the future, remember those reasons, and don’t compromise on them. It’s really good to hear that you don’t want to compromise on things that make you happy, that you don’t want to go back to feeling selfish and guilty all the time. It means you’re much less likely to do so.

Being without phones is good. It takes away that feeling of obligation to others, and I always find that I’m thinking more on what I like, and what I want than what I would do normally. It’s nice to have that break away, like a vacation all in itself.

The world is open, and it may feel darker because you don’t have what you used to for lights. But you’ll find them, new, unexpected, and all the colours in the world. Another quote from Harry Potter - “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light”. You’ll find them. Just don’t hold back from flicking any switches when you reach them.

Lou

I went up to my brother’s to watch a movie and hang out for the night. It was nice and we talked about a lot. He told me that even after a girl, you’ll always have you. So be true to yourself.

Going to bed, I wished she was there holding me.

This morning I got reminded of her when I had coffee because she really liked it when she got a Keurig and posted pictures of her cups of coffee before.

At work, someone bought a lighter. She used to collect different kinds and even used them to get loose strings off of clothes.

Just a bunch of silly things like that.

I had thoughts of how she wants relations but my view is that I love her enough that if she really wants that, I’d let her move on away from me. That’s so skewed. Like, I love you enough to let another guy make you happy in that way because I know I can’t.

I doubt she’d love me enough to the point she’d just be happy with cuddling and watching tv.

Driving home, I started to cry because no matter how hard I try, she won’t leave my head. And I flip flop so much. Who would want that? I have no clue what to say to her because I care about her. My brother tells me to say ‘I care about you but I also have hobbies, too.’

He told me last night that it’s concerning how I think a normal relationship aspect is seen as amazing to me. He was simply talking about how if he wanted to do something, his fiance would let him with no qualms.

He tells me that I should tell her how, if we only talk a few times a day, it will strengthen our relationship and I agree. But I have my doubts.

He’s letting me borrow his laptop and introducing me to a new game that he found to play which would be awesome. But it basically all depends on how this talk goes. That’s how used to of being there for her I am. I already know what I can and can’t do before doing it. It’s crazy.

It should be live your life AND love someone. Not choosing one or the other.

The hard part about dating someone with different viewpoints is that they won’t understand how you truly care simply because they don’t understand your view.

The issue with this is that even if we get through this, we’ll see it as something else we got through so the next thing that comes up won’t need to be an issue even if it it. Because she might see it as not as drastic as a 2 week break. But I need to stop assuming.

Part of me wants to try something better with her. Something to fix us. She used to say our relationship was a mess but it’s our mess. Why would we want a mess?

Part of me just wants to be done needlessly hurting myself but there has to be a reason I can accept things about her when I can’t accept them in other people.

The other issue is that say I do move on. I find a girl with things in common but there’s one thing I can’t get passed. Like normal dating. There’s some things you just can’t get passed. But then I’ll always think of how I got passed so much with her.

I cried tonight and told my roommate how she won’t leave my head. That if I lose her, it’ll be my fault for setting certain boundaries or guidelines. For standing up for myself.

I know there’s other colors out there, but right now, she’s the only one I see. She’s my Eve right now. The only one I have.

I guess it’s just going to take time in the end.

Either we compromise on things and try to make it work. Or we both try to move on and past the pain.

As my brother put it, either way I’m going to get a better relationship out of it. So there’s nothing to fear.

Speaking of fear, the movie we watched had a line about getting your heart broken. It feels like there’s nothing to fear after that because you’ve been through the worst pain imaginable. My issue is that I do it to myself a lot of the time.

She told me once that it’s best to have no expectations of something because then I won’t be disappointed. I suppose I should take that advice now.

Thanks for commending my courage. It doesn’t feel like it’s going to get better somedays. Other days, it does. One day at a time, I suppose.

 

[Lou2U]

One day at a time. Your brother has really good advice - don’t be afraid to be you in relationships. Don’t be afraid to relax, don’t be afraid to have things you don’t want to compromise on, don’t be afraid to do the things you love. Be you. If the other person doesn’t like that, they weren’t right for you. Similarly, it’s not unreasonable to change your opinion on what you consider ‘passable’ in a relationship. You don’t have to accept the same things again because you did in the past. If you find something in one relationship you don’t like, there’s nothing wrong with, in a new relationship, not letting it happen again.

I don’t think you’re wrong to have expectations for what you want in a relationship. I think you should have expectations because then you can find someone who you’re completely compatible with. It might not happen soon, but if you feel open to it in the future, there’s no reason why it can’t.

Your brother’s so, so right with this - “Either way, you’ll get a better relationship”. You can’t lose from taking time out to find out what you want in a relationship. It can only ever help, and if you find things that would be beneficial but she doesn’t want, then she isn’t right for you. You deserve someone who’ll consider your feelings just as much as you consider theirs - and one day, you’ll find it.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

One day at a time. Your brother has really good advice - don’t be afraid to be you in relationships. Don’t be afraid to relax, don’t be afraid to have things you don’t want to compromise on, don’t be afraid to do the things you love. Be you. If the other person doesn’t like that, they weren’t right for you. Similarly, it’s not unreasonable to change your opinion on what you consider ‘passable’ in a relationship. You don’t have to accept the same things again because you did in the past. If you find something in one relationship you don’t like, there’s nothing wrong with, in a new relationship, not letting it happen again.

Lou

One day at a time, yes. Today marked 2 weeks. It was an interesting one.

After going to Church super tired, I had a talk with my mom. I told her that it felt like I was so focused on not losing my friend, that I lost myself. She then told me that was true and then I brought up trying to change people that you care about. My sister has this issue as well. She told me that you can’t change anyone usually. I told her how I have a one-track-mind in that I focus all my attention on one thing at a time and she told me the world isn’t black and white, it’s grey. She ended the conversation by saying that she just wants to see me happy.

I took a nap and felt amazing after it. I imagined my friend with me as I was getting ready, but would have been just as happy if she wasn’t there.

Tonight was a little hard, though. I randomly got ‘Hakuna Matata’ stuck in my head. he has a ‘Hakuna Matata’ tattoo on her arm and it made me miss her. I told my coworker how I can’t win. He told me that maybe I can’t lose and that it’s all about perspective. I then talked to my two coworkers for an hour after work about it. See, I was going to text her tomorrow as I have the day off. One of them told me to wait until she texts me back. I also got the advice that a fight will break out if I bring up the whole guilty-trip thing. But it’s true. I always felt like I was walking on eggshells with her because I didn’t want to upset her. And she said she didn’t care what I did. Except she did, because she’d be upset if I came home late or wanted to go out for a night. I don’t care what she does and I’m finding that’s the way it should be (within reason).

I do know that I need guidelines. Something has to change because it can’t just be what it was. So the guidelines have to be established. But then again, there’s part of me that just wants to try something else. Someone who doesn’t even know me so that I can be myself right off the bat.

So, I’m not sure if I should text her or not. The longer I go, the more she might hate me or not understand why I’m not texting her. Honestly, part of me just wants to work on me right now. But it feels too good almost. I feel like I can do what I want for the first time in years. And it shouldn’t be that way with a relationship. My coworker is taking me out on Thursday, even.

There are a lot of times (especially at night) where I miss her a lot. I wish she was here to hold and apparently I’m just missing the companionship I once had.

I still think I owe it to her and our relationship to reach out to her if even for one last time. My fear is that I’ll hear her voice and it’ll spark a flame in my heart of a memory of us.

Another issue is, of course I enjoy doing my own thing. It’s awesome. But then how do I know I’m ready to talk to her if I’m off doing what I want?

The hard part with us is there’s a history behind our relationship. So much overlooked and forgiven. It feels wrong to give that up. But I am at a crossroads.I have a choice. And it feels like a choice that will change my life forever. And I’ve always been bad at making choices. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but apparently everyone goes through this.I made the comment today how I wish she wasn’t my first relationship. And they said someone had to be.

People always told us it wouldn’t work out. Or that the distance would be an issue. I guess we tried to prove them wrong. And inn the end it still might not work out. In the beginning, I was myself and then it turned into liking her which turned into not wanting to disappoint her. People tell me there is no song for this relationship. Maybe that’s what I liked about it. It was completely unique. But maybe it’s not meant to be.

I hope one day I’ll find what I need. Not be 80 and still wonder what life cold have been like with her. My brother told me the other day how I don’t wonder what life would have been like had I gone to a different school, so why should this be any different? But it feels like a monumental decision. A heart is going to get broken. And I don’t think we can still be friends. Because I might always want more if that happens. I might always wonder what could have been. I need to remember that we are not dating and just friend at the moment. That she doesn’t love me like she did even though I want to change for her. And if we’re not dating, I wonder if she still wants a life with me.

These are questions that I cannot dwell upon and must find something else to occupy my time. I have this other coworker who tells me to never let someone make me feel bad for being myself. And my brother tells me that I need to stand up for myself. I suppose I have to find a way to get mad at the situation. Just like I was mad at the time she asked why I was crying when she broke up with me. It’s against everything I am. But I have to get mad for something to change.

I did all of this for an answer. I may never get that answer, but I have to try. I need to try.

Thank you again for the advice and support.

 

[JustinK]

I just looked at her facebook. She has a new profile picture.

She’s beautiful. But I have to look past it.

It makes me mad how she seems to just be living her life like nothing ever happened.

And I’m sitting here missing her and wallowing.

It makes me wonder if she ever really cared about me at all or if I was truly just a shiny toy to her.