Relationship advice

[Lou2U]

I have a question for you, Justin - do you think you should see her? (And I guess this is cheating because it’s another question, but) Why do you think you should? I’m wondering because you don’t actually have to talk to her. You’re doing really well, and you’re getting a lot of perspective on your relationship, which is great - do you think it’ll help you to see her again?

I think you are missing that companionship, and that’s normal. You put in years of time, commitment, investment and effort, and the feeling of wanting something back from that isn’t going to go away overnight just because you’re not missing her, exactly. Feelings aren’t rational, and what you know in your head doesn’t always translate directly to your heart. There’s a quote from a book I really like, which is: “So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” Think to yourself - it’s been two weeks, and we haven’t spoken. Think about what’s changed, and what’s the same. Think about if the person you are now could fit back into the relationship you were in two weeks ago. Think about what would have to change for you to go back to that person, and think about this - is it really worth it?

I think that you owe it to yourself, and to her, to move on. Yes, it’ll hurt that she’s changing her profile picture, that she’s with other people, and maybe it won’t hurt her when you do the same. Maybe it will. But you have to give yourself the chance to do it. To not worry about how she might feel, to stop giving her a space in your head that maybe she doesn’t deserve to have. But at the same time, you have to allow her the same. Let her move on. Let her learn what it is to be happy, to be secure, to be honest and open and not controlling of others - let her learn what she couldn’t from being with you. And let yourself learn the same - how to be happy and relaxed and not guilty or selfish, how to go out with friends, how to heal. You deserve to give yourself that chance.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

I have a question for you, Justin - do you think you should see her? (And I guess this is cheating because it’s another question, but) Why do you think you should? I’m wondering because you don’t actually have to talk to her. You’re doing really well, and you’re getting a lot of perspective on your relationship, which is great - do you think it’ll help you to see her again?

I think you are missing that companionship, and that’s normal. You put in years of time, commitment, investment and effort, and the feeling of wanting something back from that isn’t going to go away overnight just because you’re not missing her, exactly. Feelings aren’t rational, and what you know in your head doesn’t always translate directly to your heart. There’s a quote from a book I really like, which is: “So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” Think to yourself - it’s been two weeks, and we haven’t spoken. Think about what’s changed, and what’s the same. Think about if the person you are now could fit back into the relationship you were in two weeks ago. Think about what would have to change for you to go back to that person, and think about this - is it really worth it?

I think that you owe it to yourself, and to her, to move on. Yes, it’ll hurt that she’s changing her profile picture, that she’s with other people, and maybe it won’t hurt her when you do the same. Maybe it will. But you have to give yourself the chance to do it. To not worry about how she might feel, to stop giving her a space in your head that maybe she doesn’t deserve to have. But at the same time, you have to allow her the same. Let her move on. Let her learn what it is to be happy, to be secure, to be honest and open and not controlling of others - let her learn what she couldn’t from being with you. And let yourself learn the same - how to be happy and relaxed and not guilty or selfish, how to go out with friends, how to heal. You deserve to give yourself that chance.

Lou

I thin there has to be some type of a resolution for my mind and my heart.

My brother told me I could choose to go back with her if I want to but I need to set guidelines. And if she can’t or doesn’t want to follow them, she’s not right for me. It honestly sounds so silly because we’ve been through so much already.

She is happy and secure. She doesn’t need me for that. But I feel like I need her for that. Maybe it’s all the things she didn’t see that get to me. All the things she didn’t reciprocate. Maybe I’m just bitter because of it.

The person I am now couldn’t go back to what the relationship used to be. It was stressful and consumed my whole life. Of course I feel free now.

But then I remember how she told me about how much I took away from her when I left. Maybe she did really care but in a different way that I couldn’t see.

I’m thinking of giving it one more go but it’s gonna be on my terms this time. I’m going to be myself and do thing when I want. Though I admit it’d be much easier to just find someone else. Someone fresh who doesn’t know a thing about me so that if I’m myself and they mind, they don’t need to be a part of my life.

With her, I feel like I owe it to her. To us. If she really loved me like she said, maybe she’d try again too.

I wrote her a long letter. Haven’t sent it to her yet. I was going to send it to her today because it was my day off, but I might hold off. It was about how much I put in, how happy she made me, all the memories we had together, how I feel like a reboot would be the only thing that saves us. But I told her I’d be completely different. Maybe she’ll find something new to love about me. I told her how if it doesn’t work out, then I wish she would find her happiness. I just couldn’t keep waiting to live my life because I felt the need to always be there for her. I’m going to give her as much time as she needs. Meanwhile, I’ll be finally doing things that make me happy.

I know I can’t make her choose to be with me. It’s like the quote from Bruce Almighty. ‘How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?’

If at the end of the day, she still doesn’t want it. I know I’ll be okay. I’ve come to terms with that.

Maybe this is a mistake. People say not to get back with your ex’s.

My mom told me she doesn’t feel the same as I do for her, but then why would she tell me that I took away her happiness if she doesn’t love me?

I know I’ve done all I can do and maybe more than what she deserves. But I feel like if anybody deserves all my effort into something, it’s her.

Man, I just she appreciated it.

 

[JustinK]

People also tell me to wait until she texts me first.

The original idea was to have her actually miss me. Simply because whenever she would break it off, she would ‘miss me’ that same night and we’d end up talking again.

But now I’m afraid she’ll see it as me wanting to change her again. It’s not that. It’s that we both knew how messy the relationship was and I’m offering a reset button. A clean slate.

Now it’s becoming a waiting game between the both of us, I suppose. People tell me that I can’t wait around forever, though.

 

[JustinK]

A big part of me just want to text her and be like, so it’s been 2 weeks, how are you feeling?

It’s nice in a way though. Each day is a little easier and a little brighter.

I’m wondering if I should just let her live and stop bothering her. Stop bothering both of us.

But still a part of me needs some type of resolution in order to move on.

Because what if I let her live her life without keeping in contact, without being a bother, and she takes that as me not caring. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I care enough to let you do your own thing. But I can’t wait around forever, as well.

You’re right. I kind of owe it to myself to move on as well. And it’s not like all the effort I put in was for nothing. I learned a LOT about myself and about relationships.

I won’t continue to be a pushover because that doesn’t lead anywhere but downward.

I have a question, though. I’ve heard that she doesn’t deserve my love. And you told me that maybe she doesn’t deserve space in my head. Why is that? Is it because I’m not a space in hers? Is it because I owe it to myself to live life a bit?

 

[Lou2U]

If you feel like texting her right now will lead you back into the negative spiral of constantly checking your phone, being disappointed, not being able to relax or go out and enjoy yourself, I would wait. Don’t let anything jeopardise the happiness in your life. You’ve got time.

What kind of resolution are you searching for? A chance to get back together, an acknowledgement of how you felt for each other, answers for how you feel? You don’t have to answer, it’s just something to think about. I think if you go in with an understanding of what you want to get out, hopefully the results will be helpful and productive to you.

Try and think about it for you. Try not to focus so much of how she MIGHT feel, and focus instead on how you DO feel. If you only ever focus on how she might feel, you don’t get the chance to consider what’s really best for you.

You know you can’t wait forever. You can’t be responsible for a person’s happiness, and you can’t not do things that are good for you because they might make her unhappy. There’s a quote from Gandhi - “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Is that true for you? Is that really true for her?

She cared about you, I’m sure she did. But if she cared in a way that was damaging to you, or you couldn’t see how she cared for you, she wasn’t caring in the right way. You don’t have to accept being cared for in a way that you never felt because the person you love cares for you in that way. If she wanted you to be there for her at the detriment of your own happiness and your own peace, that’s not caring about you. That’s selfish on her part. If she wants you to disregard your opinions because she doesn’t want anything to change, that’s selfish on her part. It’s not fair to you. If you do go back into this relationship, make sure it is fair and equal to you both.

With the rent comment - don’t let her take up any more room than is necessary. Don’t let her possible feelings take precedence over your actual feelings. If moving on is what you want to do, you have to gradually evict her, because you won’t be able to move on until you do. She’ll still be in your head, taking up space that isn’t helpful for her to have. If she chooses to move on, don’t give her that space in your head. If she wants to carry on as you have been over the last two weeks, let her have that space without you in her head. You deserve for your head to be entirely your own. If she isn’t interested in changing, or compromising, or what you want, move on and do not let her rent space in your head. If she doesn’t want you to be happy, truly happy, then she does not deserve to have that space in your head. She doesn’t deserve you worrying about her feelings or what she wants, because she is not reciprocating that.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

If you feel like texting her right now will lead you back into the negative spiral of constantly checking your phone, being disappointed, not being able to relax or go out and enjoy yourself, I would wait. Don’t let anything jeopardise the happiness in your life. You’ve got time.

What kind of resolution are you searching for? A chance to get back together, an acknowledgement of how you felt for each other, answers for how you feel? You don’t have to answer, it’s just something to think about. I think if you go in with an understanding of what you want to get out, hopefully the results will be helpful and productive to you.

Try and think about it for you. Try not to focus so much of how she MIGHT feel, and focus instead on how you DO feel. If you only ever focus on how she might feel, you don’t get the chance to consider what’s really best for you.

You know you can’t wait forever. You can’t be responsible for a person’s happiness, and you can’t not do things that are good for you because they might make her unhappy. There’s a quote from Gandhi - “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Is that true for you? Is that really true for her?

She cared about you, I’m sure she did. But if she cared in a way that was damaging to you, or you couldn’t see how she cared for you, she wasn’t caring in the right way. You don’t have to accept being cared for in a way that you never felt because the person you love cares for you in that way. If she wanted you to be there for her at the detriment of your own happiness and your own peace, that’s not caring about you. That’s selfish on her part. If she wants you to disregard your opinions because she doesn’t want anything to change, that’s selfish on her part. It’s not fair to you. If you do go back into this relationship, make sure it is fair and equal to you both.

With the rent comment - don’t let her take up any more room than is necessary. Don’t let her possible feelings take precedence over your actual feelings. If moving on is what you want to do, you have to gradually evict her, because you won’t be able to move on until you do. She’ll still be in your head, taking up space that isn’t helpful for her to have. If she chooses to move on, don’t give her that space in your head. If she wants to carry on as you have been over the last two weeks, let her have that space without you in her head. You deserve for your head to be entirely your own. If she isn’t interested in changing, or compromising, or what you want, move on and do not let her rent space in your head. If she doesn’t want you to be happy, truly happy, then she does not deserve to have that space in your head. She doesn’t deserve you worrying about her feelings or what she wants, because she is not reciprocating that.

Lou

Yea, I’m going to wait until she texts. I feel like she has to learn to be independent again. Maybe then we can speak in civil terms.

Last night was weird. I felt incredibly happy for about 20 minutes after having a thought that she might have just been using me all along. It made all the time I spent seem silly. I realized how I shouldn’t have had to be there for her like that in the first place. That it was my choice because I was blinded by what I thought love was. It made me think she was just trying to get a reaction out of me all those times we broke up and how I don’t want to go back to that.

I still see her everywhere. Today it was in clouds and gummy worms. I spent the last few hours of my shift holding back tears. It feels like the death of my closest friend except with this death, it was my fault. And I have the opportunity to make this pain be over really fast either by talking it out or just dropping it. I have a choice to make, though.

I think what I’m going to try to do now is live my life and if she wants to be a part of it, she has to be willing to compromise. I know she told me we shouldn’t have to change for each other, but I feel this will make a relationship healthy.

As far as the rent, it’s still hard and it will be for awhile. I feel bad for possibly ending it like this. Like saying I’ll text back in two weeks and enjoying some free time instead. Or not texting her when she told me what I took away from her. She’s going to think that I don’t care. But it’s caring enough to respect her when she decide to do her own thing as well.

It is getting a little bit easier with time. But I still am no closer to a choice. It’s hard when I see her everywhere, relive memories, think about what could still be, and reflect on how messy the relationship was. Last night, my coworker made the comment that she wants a relationship with none of the issues or problems. My brother told me who wouldn’t want that? For now, I’m just trying to live instead of exist. I’m kind of sick of crying everyday.

 

[JustinK]

But then I think of the times everything was a mess around me and I’d talk to her and all would feel right again. She was my safety and security. She was my sunlight when it was dark.

I think of how good it would feel to hold her again even if she didn’t understand why I was holding her.

It just feels like a shame how if maybe we had better communication, it would work.

But then it would still come down to one of us moving eventually. And even then there’s the whole issue of values.

Maybe if I was a different person. Maybe if I didn’t cling harder to values than I did to her.

I don’t know.

Maybe it’s the fear of the unknown.

But there had to be a reason I held on. Was it just me being blinded by having someone to hold onto?

Maybe it’s going to come down to us choosing to be separate for each others happiness.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad.

She once told me it felt like I was settling for her. But now it feels like I want to work on growing a relationship. An actual healthy relationship. Where we can be our own people but come together to build us both up.

Eh.

 

[Lou2U]

You’re doing really, really well, and again, you don’t need me to tell you that. Let yourself feel however and whatever you want. Let yourself heal, take care of yourself first. Let her come to you, let her spend the time on you. Keep talking to people about how you feel, and as you know, keep remembering that this relationship did have its benefits because you’ve learnt more about yourself in the process. It’ll be invaluable to you if/when you meet someone else because you’ll have a clearer idea of what you want and hopefully you’ll feel more confident and assertive with when you aren’t happy, or you feel guilty or selfish. Let her think what she wants to think - you aren’t responsible for that. Let go of the guilt and the worry, open yourself up for happiness instead.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

You’re doing really, really well, and again, you don’t need me to tell you that. Let yourself feel however and whatever you want. Let yourself heal, take care of yourself first. Let her come to you, let her spend the time on you. Keep talking to people about how you feel, and as you know, keep remembering that this relationship did have its benefits because you’ve learnt more about yourself in the process. It’ll be invaluable to you if/when you meet someone else because you’ll have a clearer idea of what you want and hopefully you’ll feel more confident and assertive with when you aren’t happy, or you feel guilty or selfish. Let her think what she wants to think - you aren’t responsible for that. Let go of the guilt and the worry, open yourself up for happiness instead.

Lou

The thought I just had was that we’re both each other’s comfort. Like, yea, we don’t agree on things or yea we can’t have discussions but it’s a comfort that’s unique to her. Nobody else is going to give me that same comfort. It sucks because sometimes it feels like settling but is it settling if it’s settling for warmth and comfort?

When I was with her, nothing else mattered. But the problem was that nothing else mattered. I was stuck but I was stuck in a warm glow of goodness. Like I didn’t like her one word response and neediness. But when she’d call a part of me would feel that comfort because she wanted to talk to me.

We did this to ourselves. I always answered and put my life on hold for her and she came to expect it in time. So then when I’m gone she doesn’t like it. Of course she doesn’t. I wouldn’t either.

But at the same time you can’t make someone care the way you want them to care. It has to come naturally.

We had companion love before we built a relationship.

We found love where we were.

She asked me once if I wouldn’t want experiences with one person. And maybe that person is her.

Like I can be successful and have everything I want and live my life but would it all matter if I don’t have her?

It sucks because we’re incompatible but lost without the other.

And now I’m back to having to make a choice that I can’t make.

 

[Lou2U]

The thing with comfort it, it isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. You need communication, and discussion, and you need to feel happy with her when you’re away from her as well as when you’re there. Being stuck because nothing else matters doesn’t work, as you know.

You don’t know that you won’t feel the way you do with someone else. You really don’t know that, but the only way I can tell you for certain that you won’t is if you don’t let yourself move on. Otherwise, everything will be second best, nothing will match up. It’s like what I said about giving her rent in your head. It doesn’t give you the chance to be without her, to meet new people and to have new, different experiences.

You don’t have to be lost. You might feel it right now, but that’s because you were with her for so long and you’ve spent so much time with her, you don’t know quite what you’re doing without her. But it doesn’t have to be that way forever, and it may not be. Give yourself time, and give yourself a chance.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

You don’t know that you won’t feel the way you do with someone else. You really don’t know that, but the only way I can tell you for certain that you won’t is if you don’t let yourself move on. Otherwise, everything will be second best, nothing will match up. It’s like what I said about giving her rent in your head. It doesn’t give you the chance to be without her, to meet new people and to have new, different experiences.

You don’t have to be lost. You might feel it right now, but that’s because you were with her for so long and you’ve spent so much time with her, you don’t know quite what you’re doing without her. But it doesn’t have to be that way forever, and it may not be. Give yourself time, and give yourself a chance.

Lou

My mom just had a talk with me.

She said to take it as a learning experience and the world feels dark because I’m not used to that comfort.

When I told her that I never felt able to be myself, she asked if it was something she did raising me. I told her no but I always put others before myself.

Just now, I coughed three times while in my room with the door shut. My roommate has a baby sleeping in the next room. He woke up once tonight. Anyway, after I coughed, I heard a ‘shh’. So, I immediately felt like I should stop coughing. Why do I do this? Why am I so eager to not disappoint anyone?

With my relationship, I don’t want to disappoint her. But I feel that so much that I do whatever I can not to, at my own expense. (Staying on the phone or not playing video games while in a Skype call with her because she’d be upset if I left her.

My mom told me that maybe she’s already moved on and that I should try to move on, too. To do what makes me happy. But then I told her that my girlfriend (or whatever she is now) would think that I don’t care about her if I keep not texting her and waiting for her to come to me. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I told my mom about what people had told me about giving her love that she doesn’t deserve. About how I didn’t know what that meant. Everyone deserves love. She looked at me and asked me if I really wasn’t sure what that meant. Like I was supposed to know. I told her no and she said I put in so much effort and she doesn’t put in the same amount. I told her that maybe her amount that she thinks she puts in is enough to her. I had a friend of hers tell me once that she plans her days around me, after all.

She asked me what I want and gave me suggestions I have said in the past like travel to Europe. I told her that I could live with my coworker and get a new computer, play video games and have fun. She asked me why I don’t.

The other issue is that I feel if I’m not with this person, she’ll find someone who treats her like an object, perpetuating the feeling in her mind of being worthless. She’s totally not. But maybe she’s not right for me. But at the same time, why date someone like you because then there’s nothing to change in their heart.

She also brought up my sister. How she has kept dating people in the past just because of how much time she put into it. I’ve put in 5 years that I won’t get back. For what? For somebody else’s comfort and security? It was my comfort and security to, though. It was an anchor to reality. But see, the problem with an anchor is that it holds you back and doesn’t let you move.

I just hated the feeling of ending it like this. ‘Oh hey, let’s take a break.’ And never speak again. My mom brought up my brother’s first girlfriend. She took a break and got married a month later. My brother made the comment of it being her first relationship and her not knowing how to end it. I know it can’t go back to what it was, as tempted as I may be. I know how easily I will slip back into that and want to do everything to please her. I know she has low seld-esteem and I don’t want to make it worse by just leaving her like this. I think we just live in two different worlds and ways of thinking.

My mom told me to focus on hobbies and enjoy time with friends. But sometimes, I miss feeling wanted in the way she made me feel. Like I mattered. Even through all the hard time that she never saw. The tears she’ll never know I cried. It feels bad that I knew she liked someone and now he’s getting married. It was my own insecurity of losing her that made me tell her how much I cared about her. She could have enjoyed her life. Maybe she still can find a way to happiness without me. But I just wish she saw how much I cared and worked for her happiness, instead of just thinking like I never cared. Because I did. But maybe I cared too much that I lost focus of who I was.

I once told someone ‘who needs video games when you have love?’ in reference to not playing them because she needed me there for her. He laughed and said he couldn’t keep talking about it after that. He also told me that he feels like she’s my security blanket and that I hide my personality behind kindness. I agreed with that.

My phone’s been off for 3 days. I went into work tonight to talk with some people. My mom ended up calling there thinking I was working. She said she hadn’t seen me since Church on Sunday and her and my sister had been worried about me because my phone went to voicemail and I had been depressed. It’s nice to know people care. It really is. I just so wish that my friend saw it that way.

Eh. Sorry. I tend to get my mind off of things by writing.

Any ideas on how to give myself a chance? My mind has been on her recently and I’m told obsessing over it isn’t healthy. I got a package coming in a few days that is for a hobby that will help keep my mind occupied for a bit. But as for moving on, if she texts me, I still have no clue what to say as I flip-flop so much that I can’t trust myself. One moment I like her and want it to work, the next I’d rather live my life and do my own thing.

Thanks for the support. It means more than you know.

 

[JustinK]

My coworker and I have a joke as well. It’s about dealbreakers in a relationship.

There’s an episode of Seinfeld where the person he dates has ‘manhands’. He can’t get over it.

It got me thinking what if the next person I’m into has one thing I can’t get over? One silly little thing that I would have overlooked had it been the one I’m trying for now?

What if she’s amazing in every other way except she believes one thing that’s a polar opposite of me?

See, with her, I always looked past those because I thought if you loved someone enough, if you loved them for them, that shouldn’t matter.

My mom says dating i finding someone who you’re compatible with. I get that. But my dad’s first relationship was with her. My issue is how do you know to stick through it or move on?

I asked my brother how he knew his fiance is the one for him. He told me that they click together. Sure, they have different interests, but they click. He told me how opinion can change but values usually are deeper rooted. I thought of her and how it’s not necesariyl her fault for being raised how she was. How I should look past that if I really loved her. She might find someone else who treats her how she thinks I can’t, except I have the capability to.

I gotta go to bed and stop thinking about it. It’s hard without having her on the other end of the phone with me. Never thought I’d say that, but now I miss it.

 

[Marysann]

Dear Justin, please think about this advice given to you by an old lady who suffered several heartbreaks in her youth. Your question was should you move on. Yes! You compared the situation that you are in to a death. That is a good analogy, and you need to realize that you are in mourning, and you need to allow yourself time to go through it. This means to accept that fact that the relationship is dead, and is not coming back. You are doing all of the right things, taking to family and friends, spending time doing things that you enjoy. You hurt, and it take a while for that hurt to heal. You realize that the relationship was not good for you. Loving someone should not cause so much pain, but you did love her, and it does hurt. Accept that it is dead, it is over. Go on doing the things that you are doing, and as time passes you will find that you will feel better. Think about how flowers begin to grow where there has been a forest fire. You will someday meet a girl who doesn’t smother you, and who accepts who for who you are. After over 40 years of marriage, I can see that God allowed me those heartbreaks to protect me from marrying the wrong person, and to teach me empathy for those who are suffering. I am sure that you have been praying your heart out, but maybe God is protecting you so that you will not make a mistake, too.

 

[Lou2U]

My mom just had a talk with me.

She said to take it as a learning experience and the world feels dark because I’m not used to that comfort.

When I told her that I never felt able to be myself, she asked if it was something she did raising me. I told her no but I always put others before myself.

Just now, I coughed three times while in my room with the door shut. My roommate has a baby sleeping in the next room. He woke up once tonight. Anyway, after I coughed, I heard a ‘shh’. So, I immediately felt like I should stop coughing. Why do I do this? Why am I so eager to not disappoint anyone?

This is a learning curve, that almost everyone has to go through. It’s not wrong to put others before yourself, but it is wrong is you put them before your health and your happiness.

With my relationship, I don’t want to disappoint her. But I feel that so much that I do whatever I can not to, at my own expense. (Staying on the phone or not playing video games while in a Skype call with her because she’d be upset if I left her.

My mom told me that maybe she’s already moved on and that I should try to move on, too. To do what makes me happy. But then I told her that my girlfriend (or whatever she is now) would think that I don’t care about her if I keep not texting her and waiting for her to come to me. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Think about how you feel. If you don’t feel ready to see her again, don’t. If you want to leave it the way it was, do that. You can’t always put her above you.

I told my mom about what people had told me about giving her love that she doesn’t deserve. About how I didn’t know what that meant. Everyone deserves love. She looked at me and asked me if I really wasn’t sure what that meant. Like I was supposed to know. I told her no and she said I put in so much effort and she doesn’t put in the same amount. I told her that maybe her amount that she thinks she puts in is enough to her. I had a friend of hers tell me once that she plans her days around me, after all.

But is it enough for you? And, more importantly, is it right for you? She might put in every hour of the day, but if that leads to you feeling selfish and guilty, then that isn’t love.

She asked me what I want and gave me suggestions I have said in the past like travel to Europe. I told her that I could live with my coworker and get a new computer, play video games and have fun. She asked me why I don’t.

This is what I mean by give yourself a chance. Do what you want to do. What do you have to lose?

The other issue is that I feel if I’m not with this person, she’ll find someone who treats her like an object, perpetuating the feeling in her mind of being worthless. She’s totally not. But maybe she’s not right for me. But at the same time, why date someone like you because then there’s nothing to change in their heart.

That isn’t your responsibility. You can’t carry that on your shoulders, you can’t stay with someone because you’re afraid other people will hurt them. It’s not fair to you. Yes, it’s wrong that others may treat her this way, but it isn’t on you if it happens. It’s her responsibility to do something to change that for herself. You can’t do that for her.

She also brought up my sister. How she has kept dating people in the past just because of how much time she put into it. I’ve put in 5 years that I won’t get back. For what? For somebody else’s comfort and security? It was my comfort and security to, though. It was an anchor to reality. But see, the problem with an anchor is that it holds you back and doesn’t let you move.

I just hated the feeling of ending it like this. ‘Oh hey, let’s take a break.’ And never speak again. My mom brought up my brother’s first girlfriend. She took a break and got married a month later. My brother made the comment of it being her first relationship and her not knowing how to end it. I know it can’t go back to what it was, as tempted as I may be. I know how easily I will slip back into that and want to do everything to please her. I know she has low seld-esteem and I don’t want to make it worse by just leaving her like this. I think we just live in two different worlds and ways of thinking.

My mom told me to focus on hobbies and enjoy time with friends. But sometimes, I miss feeling wanted in the way she made me feel. Like I mattered. Even through all the hard time that she never saw. The tears she’ll never know I cried. It feels bad that I knew she liked someone and now he’s getting married. It was my own insecurity of losing her that made me tell her how much I cared about her. She could have enjoyed her life. Maybe she still can find a way to happiness without me. But I just wish she saw how much I cared and worked for her happiness, instead of just thinking like I never cared. Because I did. But maybe I cared too much that I lost focus of who I was.

Of course you miss her. You can miss someone that you know isn’t good for you. She may have low self esteem, but that isn’t for you to fix. Don’t lose sight of yourself. You are the reason why people have relationships with you. If they don’t like the you that you are, they aren’t the right people to have in your life.

I’ve split my reply in half, it’s too long to fit into one post.

Lou

 

[Lou2U]

I once told someone ‘who needs video games when you have love?’ in reference to not playing them because she needed me there for her. He laughed and said he couldn’t keep talking about it after that. He also told me that he feels like she’s my security blanket and that I hide my personality behind kindness. I agreed with that.

My phone’s been off for 3 days. I went into work tonight to talk with some people. My mom ended up calling there thinking I was working. She said she hadn’t seen me since Church on Sunday and her and my sister had been worried about me because my phone went to voicemail and I had been depressed. It’s nice to know people care. It really is. I just so wish that my friend saw it that way.

Eh. Sorry. I tend to get my mind off of things by writing.

Any ideas on how to give myself a chance? My mind has been on her recently and I’m told obsessing over it isn’t healthy. I got a package coming in a few days that is for a hobby that will help keep my mind occupied for a bit. But as for moving on, if she texts me, I still have no clue what to say as I flip-flop so much that I can’t trust myself. One moment I like her and want it to work, the next I’d rather live my life and do my own thing.

Thanks for the support. It means more than you know.

Do what makes you happy. If friends invite you to go out with them, do it. If you get a chance to travel, or meet new people, do it. Always be honest - if she texts you, tell her you don’t know how you feel. Tell her you think you need more time. Don’t compromise your happiness and your self-worth is the best way to give yourself that chance.

My coworker and I have a joke as well. It’s about dealbreakers in a relationship.

There’s an episode of Seinfeld where the person he dates has ‘manhands’. He can’t get over it.

It got me thinking what if the next person I’m into has one thing I can’t get over? One silly little thing that I would have overlooked had it been the one I’m trying for now?

What if she’s amazing in every other way except she believes one thing that’s a polar opposite of me?

See, with her, I always looked past those because I thought if you loved someone enough, if you loved them for them, that shouldn’t matter.

Sometimes, love just isn’t enough. You need to have trust and respect and friendship. If you feel as though you can’t do things without her getting upset, that’s not being a friend or being respectful. If you feel as though she’ll shut down your opinion because she doesn’t want anything to change, that’s not being respectful. Your opinion matters. Your feelings matter. If they don’t matter to her, then do you think she really can love you?

My mom says dating i finding someone who you’re compatible with. I get that. But my dad’s first relationship was with her. My issue is how do you know to stick through it or move on?

I asked my brother how he knew his fiance is the one for him. He told me that they click together. Sure, they have different interests, but they click. He told me how opinion can change but values usually are deeper rooted. I thought of her and how it’s not necesariyl her fault for being raised how she was. How I should look past that if I really loved her. She might find someone else who treats her how she thinks I can’t, except I have the capability to.

I gotta go to bed and stop thinking about it. It’s hard without having her on the other end of the phone with me. Never thought I’d say that, but now I miss it.

Keep going. You’re doing so, so well. It isn’t her fault for how she was raised, but that doesn’t mean she can’t change herself. It doesn’t mean that she always has to stay the same as how she was raised. She doesn’t. But that is in her control. And you shouldn’t look past it if she isn’t willing to change it because that means in the future, the same mistakes will happen again, and again, like a cycle. It’s almost a self-fulfilling prophecy - if someone things they can’t change, then they never will. You don’t have to love like that. You shouldn’t love like that. It’s not healthy to forgive everything a person does because of how they were raised - it makes excuses for them, and it means that don’t need to have accountability for it. They do. You deserve more.

Lou

 

[Lou2U]

I found a few quotes from a poet I like called Rilke, which I think might be interesting to you:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart.
…live in the question.”

Lou

 

[JustinK]

Dear Justin, please think about this advice given to you by an old lady who suffered several heartbreaks in her youth. Your question was should you move on. Yes! You compared the situation that you are in to a death. That is a good analogy, and you need to realize that you are in mourning, and you need to allow yourself time to go through it. This means to accept that fact that the relationship is dead, and is not coming back. You are doing all of the right things, taking to family and friends, spending time doing things that you enjoy. You hurt, and it take a while for that hurt to heal. You realize that the relationship was not good for you. Loving someone should not cause so much pain, but you did love her, and it does hurt. Accept that it is dead, it is over. Go on doing the things that you are doing, and as time passes you will find that you will feel better. Think about how flowers begin to grow where there has been a forest fire. You will someday meet a girl who doesn’t smother you, and who accepts who for who you are. After over 40 years of marriage, I can see that God allowed me those heartbreaks to protect me from marrying the wrong person, and to teach me empathy for those who are suffering. I am sure that you have been praying your heart out, but maybe God is protecting you so that you will not make a mistake, too.

Mary,

Thank you for your advice. My brother told me the same thing before the 2 week (now 3 week break). He told me that the relationship we had is over and that I can choose to try to go back to it with conditions or move on. But the catch was that I’d have to be okay with whatever happens.

It is like a death. It happened so sudden and I certainly didn’t plan to stop talking to her. But it hurts and sometimes I think why would it hurt so bad if I didn’t love her.

When my grandpa died, I felt disconnected from everything and everyone. Everyone except her. It was then that I realized I needed to tell her my feeling otherwise I’d lose her too. So I did.

On a related note, her facebook profile said she had passed away a bit ago. It crushed me. Turns out, it was a bug that affected many facebook users and it wasn’t true. But I remember just wanting to hear her voice one more time.

My issue is that I have so many unanswered questions. But like when someone dies, you can never get those answered. However unlike a death, I have the opportunity to bring her back. But perhaps I should just let us both live our lives apart.

My mind is single-track usually. If I do decide to really move on, I might see another person and fall in love with them. But it also won’t be the same. There is literally nobody else like her.

The flower comment is one that I enjoyed. I recently wrote something about her in reference to our old relationship being a garden that wouldn’t grow. If I do decide to start over with her, it would have to be able to be watered and cared for in order for anything to come out of it.

I have trouble accepting this just because our relationship was always ‘we have an issue’ then we move past it. It was always ‘they’ll be back’. That and the fact of we wouldn’t have found out more about ourselves had we ended it long ago. It doesn’t help that I see her everywhere and in everything.

Maybe God is indeed trying to tell me something. Maybe he’s telling me to stand up for myself. Which is something I have always had a problem with. Maybe there is someone else out there for both of us.

Thank you for your advice.

 

[JustinK]

This is a learning curve, that almost everyone has to go through. It’s not wrong to put others before yourself, but it is wrong is you put them before your health and your happiness.

Think about how you feel. If you don’t feel ready to see her again, don’t. If you want to leave it the way it was, do that. You can’t always put her above you.

But is it enough for you? And, more importantly, is it right for you? She might put in every hour of the day, but if that leads to you feeling selfish and guilty, then that isn’t love.

This is what I mean by give yourself a chance. Do what you want to do. What do you have to lose?

That isn’t your responsibility. You can’t carry that on your shoulders, you can’t stay with someone because you’re afraid other people will hurt them. It’s not fair to you. Yes, it’s wrong that others may treat her this way, but it isn’t on you if it happens. It’s her responsibility to do something to change that for herself. You can’t do that for her.

Of course you miss her. You can miss someone that you know isn’t good for you. She may have low self esteem, but that isn’t for you to fix. Don’t lose sight of yourself. You are the reason why people have relationships with you. If they don’t like the you that you are, they aren’t the right people to have in your life.

I’ve split my reply in half, it’s too long to fit into one post.

Lou

I agree. It’s something I’ve always done. I guess it’s just who I am. The issue with me is I’m too easy to please sometimes. It doesn’t take much at all to make me happy, but then I get complacent because of it.

I think if I talk to her at the moment, I wouldn’t know what to say to her. Or I’d fall for her again because the appeal of being comforted again would be too strong. If I leave it the way it is though, does that solve anything?

I see now that with our schedules (she works morning and afternoons while I work afternoons/nights) she was doing what she could by talking to me when I got off work. However, on my off days when I’d text her, it would always be an issue of why I didn’t tell her I was off. Honestly, it was because I wanted to relax sometimes and while talking to her is nice, feeling like I had to be on call for her is not. Because I couldn’t reliably do things without thinking she’d text or call and then get upset if I couldn’t talk to her. Not to mention that I wouldn’t feel good ending a call because I know that would lead to arguing. But if she ended a call, even after a minute, I was okay with it.

By giving myself a chance and doing what I want, I am finding myself thinking of what she used to tell me. That I care more about other things than I do her. And that doesn’t feel right. My brother told me to tell her ‘No, I just want to have fun.’ He also told me to not let my life be dictated by someone who lives miles away. I do feel free, though. I don’t have to really answer to someone in order to keep a relationship alive, which is nice. The night are going to be hard for awhile. That’s when we always used to talk.

I guess I felt that I could show her what love meant to me. What people in her past relationship couldn’t do for her or something. But I’m realizing people can’t see things that they don’t want to see. My mom gave me the example of my sister. She had a problem with anorexia in high school. She did everything she could to get my sister to eat and get help, but in the end, it was my sister’s decision.

That’s an interesting comment. There must have been something she saw in me. But I am reminded of times that we tried to change each other. We even changed for the better at times. That’s one of the things we did have, we grew at times. But then it gets into the whole ‘love is acceptance’ debacle again. I guess by my trying to change her, even for the better, she’s not right for me? Though there’s going to be things everyone doesn’t like about anyone now and then.

 

[JustinK]

Do what makes you happy. If friends invite you to go out with them, do it. If you get a chance to travel, or meet new people, do it. Always be honest - if she texts you, tell her you don’t know how you feel. Tell her you think you need more time. Don’t compromise your happiness and your self-worth is the best way to give yourself that chance.

Sometimes, love just isn’t enough. You need to have trust and respect and friendship. If you feel as though you can’t do things without her getting upset, that’s not being a friend or being respectful. If you feel as though she’ll shut down your opinion because she doesn’t want anything to change, that’s not being respectful. Your opinion matters. Your feelings matter. If they don’t matter to her, then do you think she really can love you?

Keep going. You’re doing so, so well. It isn’t her fault for how she was raised, but that doesn’t mean she can’t change herself. It doesn’t mean that she always has to stay the same as how she was raised. She doesn’t. But that is in her control. And you shouldn’t look past it if she isn’t willing to change it because that means in the future, the same mistakes will happen again, and again, like a cycle. It’s almost a self-fulfilling prophecy - if someone things they can’t change, then they never will. You don’t have to love like that. You shouldn’t love like that. It’s not healthy to forgive everything a person does because of how they were raised - it makes excuses for them, and it means that don’t need to have accountability for it. They do. You deserve more.

Lou

I’m reminded of ‘Something’ by George Harrison. ‘You’re asking me will my love grow? I don’t know, I don’t know.’ The distance makes it especially hard with this. It is 90% the idea of a life with her that keeps me going at times. When I saw pictures of her going out or spending time at home, I wished I was there.

I just had a talk with a coworker tonight about this. He told me how if he’s with someone, he cares about how they’re feeling, why their sad, wants to know their opinion, etc. I agree. I’m reminded of times I cried and at times, it felt like she didn’t care or wouldn’t understand so I didn’t say anything more. There have been other times that we talked about deeper things and she told me that she understood where I was coming from but she hoped that I could see where she was coming from. I agree on the point you make about not being able to love if you’re not open to seeing things from different viewpoints or why people feel the way they do. But then there’s the issue of upbringing and values and such as well.

Thank you. Sometimes it feels like I’m doing alright, other times not so much. I know I can’t change her and she has her own opinions on things. I know she won’t see them as issues to her because that’s who she is as an individual. Maybe we just clash and I’m trying to make her see how I love her in a way that contradicts her thinking, but I wanted us both to grow from it. So basically it all comes down to differences in thinking and ideas?

 

[JustinK]

I found a few quotes from a poet I like called Rilke, which I think might be interesting to you:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart.
…live in the question.”

Lou

Thank you for that. The point that I get from this is to not question the relationship and just be as I am now. That maybe someday, I’ll find the answer to love and happiness with someone new. Or maybe with her, still. But then I’d keep holding out for her forever and never truly move on from it.

I certainly have a ton of unanswered questions about this relationship and I may never get them answered. Maybe by dwelling on them, I’m making it worse. Maybe through patience and doing my own thing, I’ll indeed find what I’m looking for.

You know, it’s interesting. I never expected this to happen, but had it not, I would have never got the advice I have or the introspection I’m beginning to.

I wrote a poem the other night about her that you might enjoy:

Maybe we were meant to be once but we drifted apart

maybe you’ll always be a part of my heart

we just don’t see eye to eye

no matter how many tears I cry

I can’t ask you to change your life for me

that would be an unfair reality

and even though I want one last kiss

maybe I have to be like that tattoo on your wrist

letting you live your life in silent secrecy

always holding you in my memory.