Relationship advice

[Lou2U]

I guess it depends on what you mean by solved. What do you want to be solved? What do you think can be solved?

You didn’t have to be available to her at all times, and you know that. It was her that made you feel guilty for feeling like that, and that was massively unfair of her. You can’t save her, you can’t save anyone from themselves. Your mother has a very good example - she could push and push, but it was ultimately up to your sister to make the decision to reach for herself. You’re right; people can’t see what they don’t want to see, and you can’t make them see it before they want to.

There is something she saw in you. There is. You can’t change her unless she wants to change. And if her not changing means that you suffer from it, that you feel guilty and selfish, that you are hurt, then she is not right for you. Because that is selfishness - to see another’s pain and not want to do anything to stop it. If she can’t understand that for whatever reason, upbringing, past relationships, then you don’t have to accept that as love. It doesn’t matter why. She couldn’t control her past any more than you could, but she can control her future just as much as you can. There’s a quote I heard the other day: “I’m talking about the future. That’s the one you decide for yourself”. You get to decide what who you want to be. So does she. You can’t change her, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept the parts of her that hurt you.

This relationship is a lesson, not a failure, because you get to learn from it. You get to find out more about yourself. Every cloud has a silver lining. I found a Rilke quote that says what I want to, but so much more eloquently : “No experience has been too unimportant, and the smallest event unfolds like a fate, and fate itself is like a wonderful, wide fabric in which every thread is guided by an infinitely tender hand and laid alongside another thread and is held and supported by a hundred others”.

There’s another quote from Rilke:

“But this is what … people are so often and disastrously wrong in doing: they (who by their very nature are impatient) fling themselves at each other when love takes hold of them, they scatter themselves, just as they are, in all their messiness, disorder, bewilderment …

And what can happen then? What can life do with this heap of half broken things that they would like to call their happiness, and their futures?

And so each of them loses himself to the other for the sake of the other person, and loses the other. And loses the vast possibilities".

Don’t lose yourself. You’re too important for that, to many, many people. Maybe not the person you wanted to be. But to all the others, you are. And to yourself you should be, and if you don’t feel as if you are, you need to put yourself there. People will find important what you find important. If you discount your own feelings, so will the majority of others, because you do. That is wrong of them, but they find it from you. So if you change yourself to put your own happiness and peace first, others will come to you from that angle. They will have respect for your happiness, your peace. You won’t have to compromise it to give it to someone else. And if they want you to compromise? They are not worth your time, and you deserve to have more.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

I guess it depends on what you mean by solved. What do you want to be solved? What do you think can be solved?

There is something she saw in you. There is. You can’t change her unless she wants to change. And if her not changing means that you suffer from it, that you feel guilty and selfish, that you are hurt, then she is not right for you. Because that is selfishness - to see another’s pain and not want to do anything to stop it. If she can’t understand that for whatever reason, upbringing, past relationships, then you don’t have to accept that as love. It doesn’t matter why. She couldn’t control her past any more than you could, but she can control her future just as much as you can. There’s a quote I heard the other day: “I’m talking about the future. That’s the one you decide for yourself”. You get to decide what who you want to be. So does she. You can’t change her, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept the parts of her that hurt you.

There’s another quote from Rilke:

“But this is what … people are so often and disastrously wrong in doing: they (who by their very nature are impatient) fling themselves at each other when love takes hold of them, they scatter themselves, just as they are, in all their messiness, disorder, bewilderment …

And what can happen then? What can life do with this heap of half broken things that they would like to call their happiness, and their futures?

And so each of them loses himself to the other for the sake of the other person, and loses the other. And loses the vast possibilities".

Don’t lose yourself. You’re too important for that, to many, many people. Maybe not the person you wanted to be. But to all the others, you are. And to yourself you should be, and if you don’t feel as if you are, you need to put yourself there. People will find important what you find important. If you discount your own feelings, so will the majority of others, because you do. That is wrong of them, but they find it from you. So if you change yourself to put your own happiness and peace first, others will come to you from that angle. They will have respect for your happiness, your peace. You won’t have to compromise it to give it to someone else. And if they want you to compromise? They are not worth your time, and you deserve to have more.

Lou

I guess I wanted an answer of moving on with her or past her. Because I have new opportunities emerging that I can see. And the future with her couldn’t be seen.

Yea, I’m finally now seeing that. My brother told me that, my mom told me that, my coworkers told me that. I think I was just too nice. But I had a revelation today and it made me so happy. Literally, I was giggling and smiling and hitting my head for not seeing it sooner.

So, the whole time, I thought I was in a relationship with her. But she saw it as me being a side person. My coworker put it to me this way, and it hurt but it helped. 'You were the Just-in case things didn’t work out with my other boyfriend, the 'Just-in case I was lonely and needed company, the ‘Just-in case I needed to talk to someone.’ I stuck through it all.

Then I remembered what she told me about giving 110% and that’s when I started to see the whole picture. She just meant for that 1 year we were ‘dating’ according to her. Because she did in fact put in more of an effort. (The video messages because she knew I liked them, the sending cute messages and pictures, the greater attention given to me). But see, the whole time I was giving my all. The whole time. All of 5 years.

So there was massive miscommunication. Heck, I remember being excited when our year anniversary was coming up. She had since ‘took a break but still talked to me everyday’ thing that she did. Anyway, I mentioned the date and she asked me what it was. I was like, really? I told her and then she said well it’s significant but it’s not special because we’re not dating.

I FINALLY SEE THE ISSUE. And it’s quite liberating. Because I’m that much more closer to an answer within my own heart.

Granted, I still miss her and want to go back. But definitely not back to that. Definitely not back to her controlling me like she did. I thought I was being nice. But in the end, perhaps she could care less about me.

The only mistake is one you don’t learn from.

In losing myself to her I lost myself.

Yea, my coworkers talked about having things in common with someone. How a relationship shouldn’t be as much work as I’m putting into it.

They made the comment of if I go back, do I want to go back to that or her. I was confused and they told me that going back to that means it’ll only happen again in a future relationship.

I know if I go back to her, she’s going to have to change and I can’t make her. So I might never have the opportunity to go back with her.

It sucks because I still love her, though. But I’m realizing I might have to just try to work on me for now.

My coworker’s past relationship is a lot like mine, he says. He was ready to put a ring on her finger. But she was too busy playing games to realize how much he loved her. It took him 7 years to get over her and I asked if he ever found himself and he said it’s a lifetime to find yourself. So basically, do you find someone who you enjoy finding yourself with? He also told me that he thinks of asking her how her kid is doing, or how she is, or the like, but he has to refrain himself.

It seems so backwards that you have to love someone so much that you have to not care in order to care. I’m not sure if that makes sense.

Anyway, thank you so much for the support and quotes.

By the way, my package for my hobby came in today. Hopefully I can pick it up tomorrow.

 

[JustinK]

Bleh.

I’m missing her so much tonight.

And I know I couldn’t do anything more to please her other than moving there. But I still miss her. My mind keeps going back to how I was always there for her no matter what and I took that away.

And the things she had to change were never really discussed. It was always just put off for another night spent with her.

I’ve never been one to put myself first, anyway. I’ve always just been happy with what I had. I’ve always been on the outside looking in.

And I had someone who loved that.

I don’t know why I want her here. Maybe it was always the idea of her. Being with her in person was fun but we only did that a total of 6 days over 5 years. But those times keep repeating in my mind.

People tell me to not fall for her again but I feel it’d be too easy to do.

 

[JustinK]

My mom tells me I need someone who shares my passions.

Lately, I’m finding all of my poetry relates to her.

I see her everywhere,
In my dreams,
In my chair,
I can’t get her out of my head,
Yet I don’t want her to leave,
Did you hear what I said?
This is hard to believe,
And when we talk,
Nothing else matters,
'Cause the world stops,
And all I see is her.

She might think I only see her one time,
But flashes keep coming to me,
In my mind,
The smell of her hair,
I smell in the halls,
It drifts through the air,
Deeper and deeper I fall.

What can this be?
I don’t know,
But I feel free,
I don’t wanna go,
I talk to her,
Is this real?
I don’t know what to think,
I don’t know what to feel.

She soothes my pain,
How can it be?
There’s no more rain,
I can finally see,
She doesn’t need make-up,
She’s always there,
She’s beautiful enough,
She wipes my tears.

Yet I can’t ask her one simple question,
I can’t tell her one little thing,
I can’t listen to my own suggestions,
This one’s for you Kathleen.

That was for a girl I had a silly crush on in high school. She made me a birthday sign for my locker.

With this girl though, there’s so much history and memories attached to her. At the end of the scrapbook that she made me, she put a poem by Edgar Allen Poe because she knew that I liked him.

I just feel like I made a mistake.

I remember once she told me that I never tell her I love her and I told her that my actions should tell her that. Everything I did was for her.

Sure, she didn’t understand my poetry, or my humor, and she was too clingy at times. I never stuck up for myself because I was comforted. And now it’s gone.

I keep looking for a real reason I had to end it. But my mind can’t find anything other than friends and free time.

She told me once about deal-breakers. I didn’t think they’d ever exist with her, as long as I would one day be in her arms again.

It hurts to think that she might be thinking that I hate her or am just another guy that leaves. Because it’s the opposite.

I have to keep telling myself that this happened for a reason.

Maybe I just did it because my brother suggested a break.

But everyone else would always tell me the same. To cut her out. And we’d both never listen to them.

 

[Lou2U]

You had a perfectly valid reason for taking a break, Justin - you weren’t happy. And you can’t keep sacrificing your happiness because where will that keep you? Unhappy. She didn’t treat you in the way that you deserved to be treated. You had to be there whenever she wanted you to be. She wasn’t there for you - she “took a break” whilst treating you the same and refused to acknowledge it. That’s manipulation, and that is incredibly selfish of her. And it’s wrong that she constantly expected things of you she wouldn’t give back. Don’t you think you deserve to have someone who priorities your happiness, like you would prioritise theirs?

Friends. Free time. Peace. The chance to reflect on what you want in relationships and what you don’t. Time to appreciate yourself and time to learn about yourself. Happiness. Relaxation. A chance to unwind rather than be stressed about missing calls, or being manipulated when you don’t. Opportunities you wouldn’t have otherwise.

Don’t give her that rent space in your head. Care about what you need, what you think. If she knows you like she should, she’ll know you don’t hate her. If she chooses not to think on that, that’s up to her.

If you always do what she wants you to, when do you get the chance to do what you want to do? And if you always do what she wants you to do, when does she do what you want to do? If you compromise your happiness for her, and she lets you, what does that say about her? It tells me that she took you for granted and she put her happiness above yours because she knew you’d let her. That’s not fair to you. Every time she put her happiness above yours. Every time you put her happiness above your own, knowing she wasn’t going to put your happiness above hers - that’s not fair to you. And if you don’t prioritise your happiness, who will?

You said yourself, and you’re so, so right: the only mistakes you make are the ones you don’t learn from. You haven’t made any other mistakes. But don’t make them again, either. Don’t compromise your happiness. Don’t compromise your needs and your wants when the other person won’t prioritise them.

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”

Focus on you. Your friends, your work, your fun, your happiness, your hobby. Did you pick up the package? Let yourself do something for you.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

You had a perfectly valid reason for taking a break, Justin - you weren’t happy. And you can’t keep sacrificing your happiness because where will that keep you? Unhappy. She didn’t treat you in the way that you deserved to be treated. You had to be there whenever she wanted you to be. She wasn’t there for you - she “took a break” whilst treating you the same and refused to acknowledge it. That’s manipulation, and that is incredibly selfish of her. And it’s wrong that she constantly expected things of you she wouldn’t give back. Don’t you think you deserve to have someone who priorities your happiness, like you would prioritise theirs?

If you always do what she wants you to, when do you get the chance to do what you want to do? And if you always do what she wants you to do, when does she do what you want to do? If you compromise your happiness for her, and she lets you, what does that say about her? It tells me that she took you for granted and she put her happiness above yours because she knew you’d let her. That’s not fair to you. Every time she put her happiness above yours. Every time you put her happiness above your own, knowing she wasn’t going to put your happiness above hers - that’s not fair to you. And if you don’t prioritise your happiness, who will?

You said yourself, and you’re so, so right: the only mistakes you make are the ones you don’t learn from. You haven’t made any other mistakes. But don’t make them again, either. Don’t compromise your happiness. Don’t compromise your needs and your wants when the other person won’t prioritise them.

Focus on you. Your friends, your work, your fun, your happiness, your hobby. Did you pick up the package? Let yourself do something for you.

Lou

The thing is that I think it was more comfort than happiness, sometimes. And I was passive with things. I never really brought issues up because I didn’t want to upset her. But that’s the point of compromise. Sometimes you have to have arguments and fights for things to change for the better. And with this, we always just defaulted back to what everything used to be - comfort.

She told me once that she planned her days around me, which was good to hear. And her videos she sent because she knew I liked them were always a good thing to come home after a long day of work.

But I’m realizing that yea, maybe she took me for granted. Maybe we both did at times. My coworker tonight told me sometimes people don’t change. He also told me how I’ve been thinking about this for weeks and asked me if I think she’s doing the same. It might seem selfish, but the night she asked if we were gonna stop talking and got mad, I wanted her to be upset. I saw a picture on snapchat and I thought it was all my things that I had given her over the years with a caption, but it wasn’t. It was just her doing her own thing. I wanted her to be mad about it and miss me.

A girl came in work tonight with headphones in and was talking on the phone, it reminded me of how she used to do that with me at her job. So, in her way, she did make time for me. She called me on breaks and wanted to talk when I got home from work. There were also times where I’d show her an activity that she wasn’t into, but she said that she would support it if I was into it.

But then there were the times I felt like I was always a disappointment. Like she’d want to talk but then when I’d ask something, she’d shush me and tell me to talk during a commercial. In my head, I was like well I could be doing something else but if I did, she’d be mad at me for leaving her. We always struggled talking about our days. She’d never give me more than one word responses which bugged me. Or she’d call me and leave to do her own thing which I was fine with, but you can imagine if I did the same.

Sometimes, I feel if I just talked to her about all this, it might change things. But my coworker told me that it might be too late. That she might not change. Because for 5 years I was passive and eager to please. So she had it in her head what she was doing was okay. I remember one person on here telling me that if it continued, it would give her the go-ahead to keep doing it. Like, calling me during dinner or during family time when I knew it wouldn’t just be a quick call.

And all of this I can see her telling me is me not caring about her. I did. I do. But I wish she would have toned it down sometimes. Like my brother and his girlfriend talk for maybe 30 minutes a day. That would be great. He also gave me the advice of quality over quantity. Make the quality of the calls be substantial and not just laying in bed or the like. But that is hard when our schedules were flipped so all we really had time for was settling down at night.

What’s confusing is when she told me once that she didn’t expect me to be glued to her hip because we both had separate lives or that she didn’t want to feel like he had to text me all the time. It makes it seem like I should have brought things up then, but it would have just led to worse things. Again, maybe arguing would have been good in that situation. I just wish she would have talked to me like she did her friends. Though as more than a friend, I should have been treated better I suppose.

I remember we talked about how we never fought. And we both though that was a good thing. But I’m realizing fighting, while hurtful at times, can be beneficial.

It is nice though. It’s a lot less stress and worry off my shoulders. Not having to worry about disappointing someone is really nice. Not having to stress about being home right away or getting called into work and feeling like I’d be disappointing her. Still lonely. And I’m still not sure what I want.

I did receive my package. They had to ship it twice due to me not receiving the first one. Come to find out, there were two in the office! So I’m going to have to send the other back.

 

[JustinK]

My brother also gave this advice to my sister:

Let them be them and see how they are when you’re not with them.

Makes me wonder what she’s doing without me.

Because I’m stuck on her.

But is she stuck on me?

Or finding validation in other people?

 

[Lou2U]

I don’t think compromise is the same as not bringing things up. To compromise, you have to talk about things that affect you, and do your best to work out a solution that’s best for you both. If you don’t talk about it, there’s no real compromise. And you should be able to talk about anything you want with her, without worrying how she’d feel about it. If you can’t talk about issues, they don’t get solved, and no amount of pushing them to one side will get rid of them.

I think she did take you for granted. She didn’t have a problem with you being there for her as long as it was on her timescale. When you had an issue, or a problem, was she there for you like you were for her? When you wanted to do what you wanted to do, she wouldn’t. And she knew you would accept it. Maybe you took her for granted too, I don’t know. But even if you did, it doesn’t make her doing it right, or equal. It means that you were both being unfair to each other. Like I say, I don’t know if you took her for granted, but to me, it sounds like she did you. You need to respect yourself, and you need to make sure you take the time to do what you want. If she doesn’t like that, then she isn’t right for you. If she doesn’t like that and you accept it, she’s not going to change because she has no reason to.

Your brother has good advice. I think that taking this break was good for you, because it’s let you take a step back to see the bigger picture of what you really want, and what you deserve versus what you currently have. It’s not healthy for her to find validation in other people, and it’s not healthy for you, either. Like the Rilke quote says:
“But this is what … people are so often and disastrously wrong in doing: they (who by their very nature are impatient) fling themselves at each other when love takes hold of them, they scatter themselves, just as they are, in all their messiness, disorder, bewilderment …

And what can happen then? What can life do with this heap of half broken things that they would like to call their happiness, and their futures?

And so each of them loses himself to the other for the sake of the other person, and loses the other. And loses the vast possibilities".

From finding validation in others, you lose possibilities, and you lose yourself because you’re so willing to let go of yourself. You lose yourself because you want others to be happy and you don’t get a chance to be. Find validation in yourself.

You’re doing really well, and again, you’re being really strong. Glad your package arrived, now you can spend some time on your hobby .

Lou

 

[JustinK]

I think she did take you for granted. She didn’t have a problem with you being there for her as long as it was on her timescale. When you had an issue, or a problem, was she there for you like you were for her? When you wanted to do what you wanted to do, she wouldn’t. And she knew you would accept it. Maybe you took her for granted too, I don’t know. But even if you did, it doesn’t make her doing it right, or equal. It means that you were both being unfair to each other. Like I say, I don’t know if you took her for granted, but to me, it sounds like she did you. You need to respect yourself, and you need to make sure you take the time to do what you want. If she doesn’t like that, then she isn’t right for you. If she doesn’t like that and you accept it, she’s not going to change because she has no reason to.

Lou

Yea, for the longest time, I was content just talking to her. Until it felt like I needed to in order to keep her happy. Like, I liked being there for her but if other people wanted me, I didn’t feel right about leaving her for them.

She told me once that she could talk to me about anything and that was nice to know, but I didn’t feel the same way. Especially with how she told me that her opinion on things isn’t easily changed at all.

I was thinking earlier on how sometimes, love is just a word. But it become so much more proofound when it becomes an action. She told me how I never say that I love her. I told her that it should be obvious based on my actions. I thought about how it wasn’t always equal at times.

The whole ‘on her timescale’ thing made me think of our last ‘break’. I did everything I could to stop crying and not be mad because she wanted it to be like what it was before us ‘dating’. Anyway, she told me that night how she missed me and missed my voice. I told her that she didn’t and she told me she did. I’m starting to wonder why she missed me if she hasn’t texted or called me in about a month now. Then I get to thinking because it was on her time.

We both liked the attention I think. But my issue is that she felt free to date and do other things with people all while we were talking. While she was my sole focus. And again, that’s where communication got mixed up. Maybe that’s why she said we had a weird relationship. I saw it as being there for her. But I just feel she gave a lot of mixed signals. The whole ‘I love you as a friend but not sure if I love you like I used to.’ Then we continued talking. Then she turned around when I needed a break and claimed that I was ‘the only one who she could talk to about her bad days and cheer her up.’ To me, that sounds like I’m more than a friend. That sounds like I’m her everything. And I realize now that I haven’t felt like I’ve been her everything a long, long time.

Thank you for explaining her not having a reason to change if I accept what she doesn’t like. It’s taken me a lot longer than you think to realize this. But the whole ‘not being right for me’, could it really be that simple? And is it something I could communicate to her? It’s certainly not something she’ll see as needing to be changed. But maybe it is that simple, if she’s not willing to see my side of it. If she’s not willing to make us both better from it.

I’m reminded of a conversation we had once about sex. I had found out that she had done it with someone, and asked her about it. She told me it was a mistake but she didn’t regret it. I didn’t understand that. She knew what it meant to me. She told me she sees it as sharing your body with the person that you love. Which again, confused me because she almost admitted that she loved him. I asked her if I was special to her and she told me that we could just be eating popcorn watching a movie and it’d be special because I mean so much to her. After all this, she said that he understood where I was coming from, she just hoped I saw where she was coming from.

She also told me once that she knows she puts me through hell a lot of the time, but she’s happy with me. Eh.

I’m beginning to feel like maybe we could be friends but not like we were. Not at all. She can’t control my actions as a friend, and even then not as a girlfriend. I feel that she needs to realize that I shouldn’t feel the need to talk to her 24/7.

I just feel like a fool for being this invested in something that she could seemingly care less about. Or at least, care in a way that isn’t evident to me. Don’t get me wrong, the appeal of hanging out with friends again is nice, but some days I still miss her.

The other thing is that I might become too invested in figuring out who I am that it might be all I focus on. I have that kind of mind. When I focus on something, I see it through. And then does it become about who I can be myself and enjoy my time (together and apart) with? With her, I was myself for awhile but then the need to appease her became so strong that I felt bad for doing anything else or like I was on a time-limit with everything that I did.

And then at what point it get to be too selfish and all about what I want? I feel I need to ween myself on a little bit of doing things for myself since I’ve always been too keen on neglecting myself for the betterment of other people.

My coworker still needs a roommate and my brother wants me to join a game with him which would be nice but I’m still stuck on the idea of working things out for some reason. Even with all the stuff she’s put me through, it’s hard to move on.

Last night was fun, though. Ordered a pizza, watched a movie with the roommate, and played some video games. My hobby is coming along quite nicely. I’ve started to lockpick. It’s just something to keep my mind busy for a bit. Got 3 different locks the other night and each one is a puzzle. It’s hilarious watching my roommate try it for awhile and then I take it from him, and open it in a few seconds.

 

[Lou2U]

I think this break has been really good for you. It’s let you think over what you want, what you like and don’t like, and most importantly, it’s let you see how you value yourself. It’s not wrong to put yourself first sometimes, or to not be immediately accessible. It’s not wrong to do the things you enjoy or make you happy. The fact that she told you she knows she treats you unfairly but she’s happy anyway shows me that she isn’t interested in changing. It just shows that she puts her happiness before yours, and so what you want isn’t a priority. If she has enough self-awareness to know what she’s doing is wrong, then she should push herself to change it to something right. Unfortunately, you can’t push her - she has to be willing to do it for herself, and as I said, she doesn’t seem to be too interested at the moment. If you do go back to being friends with her, make sure your friendship is on an equal footing. Don’t be afraid to call her out when she’s being unreasonable, and don’t be afraid of potentially upsetting her if you have to. She’s a grown woman, she should be able to handle a few hurt feelings to have an open, honest conversation.

I’m glad to hear you’re spending more time on you. Of course you want to work things out, you don’t want to lose everything you put in. But I think sometimes you have to take a step back to take a step forward. And I think that sometimes, walking away truly is the best option.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

Unfortunately, you can’t push her - she has to be willing to do it for herself, and as I said, she doesn’t seem to be too interested at the moment. If you do go back to being friends with her, make sure your friendship is on an equal footing. Don’t be afraid to call her out when she’s being unreasonable, and don’t be afraid of potentially upsetting her if you have to. She’s a grown woman, she should be able to handle a few hurt feelings to have an open, honest conversation.

Lou

My problem has always been to have apathy when it comes to others, insofar as I’m usually pretty passive and relaxed if it makes someone else happy. My coworker today told me that while I might be okay with most things about her (again it might be because of how much I put into this), I have to find things with her that I’m not okay with. This will be a challenge. I suppose I’m not okay with her mindset regarding certain things. We live in two different worlds and I guess the hope was that we’d cross somehow.

Now, I guess my only hope for her is that she’s happy and lives her life. I can pray for her to have a change of heart, but I can’t be the one to change it for her. I thought that I could show her what I saw love as, but I know she won’t understand where I’m coming from. I asked her once if she trusts me with her heart, but she might have to trust someone else with it. In a way that she can understand. She sees things in a worldly sense, which most people of today do. I see them differently.

I still get reminded of Forrest Gump. He fell for Jenny and they both lived their own lives. They had different views of living based on different life experiences. In the end, she gave him what she thought to be love, but then she left the next day. He stayed by her side all along. But she was always searching for understanding.

Tonight, I was showing a coworker a picture on my phone and I cam across some pictures of her. It was bittersweet and I missed her. I still see her in little things everyday, but it’s getting better. I truly wish she could see how much I care, and I get tempted sometimes to show her everything I’ve written about her. But I think somewhere deep down I know things might not change even if we did get back together. Because it’s not just how she treated me, it’s part of who she is. And I’d be a fool to want that to change. She has a good heart about a lot of things. Some things she’s just stubborn or doesn’t feel like they’re wrong. Again, differences of views and beliefs. Maybe I have to love her enough to let her go. But I can never tell her that. She’ll think if I truly loved her, I’d stay with her and be happy.

I remember the last visit a few years back. We were intimate and I cried. She couldn’t understand and said it was too weird. I went in for a hug and she backed away. Later, she made a comment of not understanding what the big deal was. A year later, she apologized. It felt nice but part of me wanted her to understand just how special it was. Maybe she’ll never fully understand my views. I can’t expect her to. She’s not me and I’m not her.

I still get a little bitter at the time she told me that she thought we should break up. I called her and she asked me why I was crying. Like, really? She then told me she still wanted a life with me, she just needed to get her life together and to be like what it was before. I can’t go back to that. So much crying and misunderstanding in the relationship. It confused me so much.

I know that we can never have the nice, open and honest discussion that I would like. It’d lead to arguing and her getting upset far too quick in the talk for it to be civil. I think I just have to accept that. But part of me just wants to text her a simple question. ‘Are you happy?’

Then I think of the off-chance that she does see how she treated me. That’d be good, but like I said earlier, no amount of love can change someone’s heart. Let me say it this way, no amount of human love can change someone’s heart. My mom has a quote on her bedroom wall. ‘I asked Jesus how much He loved me.’ ‘This much, He replied.’ ‘Then he stretched out his arms and died.’ Or another one, ‘There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for a friend.’ See, I thought I could do that for her. But now I’m learning that maybe that’s not for me to do. I can be her light, but if she keeps me to herself the whole time, I can’t shine for others. I can’t go out with friends and enjoy our time together, etc.

Then part of me thinks all she needed was to know that I was there for her. So, I guess I did what I did for that reason. It’s what she needed and at the time I could provide that. That priest I mentioned before also talked about not doing things to be seen, but to do things for no recognition. This is what stops me from showing her my blog. I’m not doing it to be seen, but it feels the same as it. ‘Hey, look how much you meant to me over the years.’ I feel it would serve no purpose now.

It seems my only option now is to hope she understands that I did this for a reason and that I can never hate her. That we just have different views that will never cross no matter how much I want them to.

It really is painful at times. People told me she was stringing me along. That I deserve better. That long distance relationships never work. Look where that all got me.

I don’t want to walk away, but maybe it’s for the best for both of us.

A lyric just popped in my head. ‘If you walk away, I’ll walk away. First tell me which road you will take. I don’t wanna risk our paths crossing someday. So you walk that way, I’ll walk this way.’ He didn’t want to walk away, so he let her go first.

Thanks again for the kind words and support.

 

[Lou2U]

I’m so glad you’re feeling better about it all. If you look back to the first few posts on this thread, you can see how your thoughts have changed and shifted to what you’ve realised and what you’ve learnt about yourself through all this time. I think that whilst being relaxed is good, sometimes you have to say something, not only because it’s better for you, but because it’s honest, and it allows for more communication. If you don’t have honesty, it’s really hard to have trust. I read somewhere that if you allow other people to treat you in a way you don’t like, but you don’t say, you aren’t being a friend to them because you aren’t being honest with them. Sometimes, you have to be honest for the good of you both, not keep it quiet to benefit one person in the relationship.

I think this is best for both of you. Your values, how you feel love and how you show love, are all very different. If you don’t feel as though you can communicate that with her, or as though she may be reticent to change or to talk about it, then I think any relationship between you will struggle. Because you’ll be pushed down to make her happy, and nothing will be able to change.

I found this poem, split into two parts, which might be interesting to you:

I have been to some places.
Pondered around…
Tired of seeing those faces…
tricking my mind.
Still, she’s nowhere to be found.
Just when I think it’s her,
the inevitable.
Again, my heart is scarred.
So humbled I become, I…
It, It tears me apart.
In this world that I dwell,
Only time will tell.
The absorption of this experience,
was a betterment for my inexperience.

Being depressed
slows you down for the future,
feels like a dilemma,
LETTING…
memories of the past,
trapped in the past,
luggage?
excess baggage?
whatever they call it,
GO…
find a hobby,
give your mind a rest,
think of something else,
try not to be stressed,
don’t hurt your innerself,
OF…
not trying to look for someone else,
think it’s the end of the world,
you are not living in a blindfold,
your eyes are open,
look around,
THE…
plan is to try something different,
can’t always win the first time,
lessons to be taught,
lessons to learned,
lessons to be remembered,
PAST…

Lou

 

[JustinK]

If you don’t have honesty, it’s really hard to have trust. I read somewhere that if you allow other people to treat you in a way you don’t like, but you don’t say, you aren’t being a friend to them because you aren’t being honest with them. Sometimes, you have to be honest for the good of you both, not keep it quiet to benefit one person in the relationship.

I think this is best for both of you. Your values, how you feel love and how you show love, are all very different. If you don’t feel as though you can communicate that with her, or as though she may be reticent to change or to talk about it, then I think any relationship between you will struggle. Because you’ll be pushed down to make her happy, and nothing will be able to change.

I found this poem, split into two parts, which might be interesting to you:

I have been to some places.
Pondered around…
Tired of seeing those faces…
tricking my mind.
Still, she’s nowhere to be found.
Just when I think it’s her,
the inevitable.
Again, my heart is scarred.
So humbled I become, I…
It, It tears me apart.
In this world that I dwell,
Only time will tell.
The absorption of this experience,
was a betterment for my inexperience.

Being depressed
slows you down for the future,
feels like a dilemma,
LETTING…
memories of the past,
trapped in the past,
luggage?
excess baggage?
whatever they call it,
GO…
find a hobby,
give your mind a rest,
think of something else,
try not to be stressed,
don’t hurt your innerself,
OF…
not trying to look for someone else,
think it’s the end of the world,
you are not living in a blindfold,
your eyes are open,
look around,
THE…
plan is to try something different,
can’t always win the first time,
lessons to be taught,
lessons to learned,
lessons to be remembered,
PAST…

Lou

Eh. Today was interesting. My mom took me out to lunch and we had a talk. She told me that this girl is still controlling me even when I’m not with her. We talked about happiness and how I should try to move on. I told her how it became me not feeling able to be myself and my mom perked up when I said that. She told me how I should always feel able to be myself with someone I’m with.

Tonight, I wrote a song while working. It was a love song and basically counter-intuitive if I were to show her. But it made me think of her. My sister came into work and read it. She loved it and said she was going to cry. She told me not to send it to this girl but to the person I want to marry.

I had a talk to my coworker again and he talked about how it’s been a month and I’m still not fully over it. He told me that if after all this time she hasn’t asked me how I’m doing or anything else, she doesn’t care. At least in the way that i want her to. I simply told him how she’s most likely upset that I took everything away from her and her friends are probably telling her that I’m not worth it. I told him that I just wanted closure. I’m not sure if we can get that. I never meant to hurt her and I wish she knew that in her heart. I still am in love with the idea of a life with her mostly because I know it’s something I can’t have anymore. I’m not sure if that makes sense. He told me how it’s turning into an unhealthy obsession as it’s all I talk about now. Either get over it or talk to her. But I know what talking to her will lead to. Either I’ll fall in love from hearing her voice again, or the conversation will go south very quickly. And things had to change.

I have to remind myself that she saw the relationship as just friends nearly the whole time. I keep replaying moments in my head. The very beginning of the relationship I told myself this is how addictions start. I made my mistakes in the past as well. She told me once how she always loved me. Just… 5 years of memories. Every day. It’s tough to move on from that. And I should have communicated and been firm with her early on. But I was infatuated and it continued.

The absorption of this experience,
was a betterment for my inexperience.

I really like that line. All of this has sure taught me a lot. My only fear is that it taught her how to not trust people that say they love you or something along those lines.

I just got to a point where I was tired of crying because of her. I remember she used to hate it when I cried. So much so that it made he cry, too. Then one day I cried and she didn’t mind. I told her how I thought she didn’t like it when I cried and she told me things change.

I’m not sure what I want out of all this. Even if I tell her everything, what do I want from it? It’s going to take awhile for me to adjust to just being friends. In fact, when I saw her last I told her how I wished we could just be friends. But then I also remember how nice it was to just have the tv on and be in her arms. She told me that she felt the safest in my arms. It doesn’t help that she’s adorable and as cuddly as a teddy bear.

And I’m back to square one again.

Maybe this should have been over a long time ago. But we pushed on and I learned from it each time. But it was the same person. Different stages of loving her in a different way though.

Part of me still wants to go see her again to talk in person, but I know that would be unwise.

The other part of me knows that there are other people, but the same thing will happen where I find some details that I don’t like about them. My mom tells me to write a list of what I want in a girl and that you have to give and take with anybody. But my mind’s still stuck on this one.

And she doesn’t even know it.

She might not even care at this point.

I agree that the distance, schedule conflicts, and not fully knowing what the other is up to is enough to break a relationship.

Part of me just wants to be done and try with someone else.

There’s the flip-flop again.

Thank you for the poem. I enjoyed it.

 

[JustinK]

In regards to the trust thing. I’ve made some mistakes with it, myself. But I was honest about things.

She asked me once what I would do if she cheated on me. She assured me she never has and never will. (Though to me, it sure felt like that since I considered us in a relationship the whole time).

She also asked me if I’d consider an open relationship. I told her no because if I’m in a relationship, I’m only in it with that one person.

I remember her telling me that she gave me no reason to think that she was unfaithful. ‘Except those two examples mentioned above’ was what I wanted to say.

That mixed with me being fine with her going out or leaving the call whenever, it makes me wonder. Our schedules didn’t match, so who knows. Not to mention that she has never added me on Facebook but she’s on it a lot. People say she’s hiding a part of her life from me. Meh. Just another question I’m not going to get answered.

 

[Herculees]

When you are in a relationship it should NOT be all one person giving and the other person taking rather it should be a give and take. Imho it does not sound like you are meant to be together as you yourself report that you have nothing in common. I’d advise getting out and meeting new people. I don’t know where you live but I believe most countries have “meetup groups” on the internet. These are sites the list activities where you can meet up with other people of similar interest to you. It is NOT a dating site but rather a social site. At least by doing this you have an opportunity to meet people with similar interests as you and over time you never know what might develop.

Also you might see if your parish (or another nearby Catholic Church) has a young adult group you can join.

 

[Lou2U]

I’m sorry you’re still struggling with all this. I think your co-worker has a point - if you talk about other things, focus on other things, it will give you more time not thinking about her, or worrying about her when she isn’t doing likewise for you. It’ll give you a real chance to start moving on. If she’s all you can see, you can’t move on or change your mindset. You’ve been doing really well with this.

It shouldn’t lead to a fear of that for her. Because you did mean it. And just because you’ve broken up now doesn’t mean that you lied to her, or broke her trust. That’s for her to solve for herself, not project onto others for them to try and fix.

I think you just need more time. To grieve, to think and to feel however you do feel. But don’t forget that for every moment of doubt, of sadness, of worry, there’s a moment of happiness, of peace, of friendship. Do what you need, do what you want. You’re right in that some questions never will get answered. I think working out what those questions are, and coming to terms with it as best you can will be the better method. Maybe not the kind of closure you were hoping for, but the kind that will bring you peace and calmness.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

When you are in a relationship it should NOT be all one person giving and the other person taking rather it should be a give and take. Imho it does not sound like you are meant to be together as you yourself report that you have nothing in common. I’d advise getting out and meeting new people. I don’t know where you live but I believe most countries have “meetup groups” on the internet. These are sites the list activities where you can meet up with other people of similar interest to you. It is NOT a dating site but rather a social site. At least by doing this you have an opportunity to meet people with similar interests as you and over time you never know what might develop.

Also you might see if your parish (or another nearby Catholic Church) has a young adult group you can join.

I agree. I suppose she sees it differently as she’s told me before that she’s giving it her all basically. But it doesn’t feel that way to me, honestly. I could see how she talks to me when she has time, but then I think of all the times we could have done more together and didn’t.

You’re right. We don’t have much of anything in common. Just that we’ve been part of each other’s lives for so long.

I’ve heard that I should get out more to get my mind off of it. People tell me that I just miss the companionship. But it’s hard to judge when all I see is her still.

 

[JustinK]

I’m sorry you’re still struggling with all this. I think your co-worker has a point - if you talk about other things, focus on other things, it will give you more time not thinking about her, or worrying about her when she isn’t doing likewise for you. It’ll give you a real chance to start moving on. If she’s all you can see, you can’t move on or change your mindset. You’ve been doing really well with this.

It shouldn’t lead to a fear of that for her. Because you did mean it. And just because you’ve broken up now doesn’t mean that you lied to her, or broke her trust. That’s for her to solve for herself, not project onto others for them to try and fix.

I think you just need more time. To grieve, to think and to feel however you do feel. But don’t forget that for every moment of doubt, of sadness, of worry, there’s a moment of happiness, of peace, of friendship. Do what you need, do what you want. You’re right in that some questions never will get answered. I think working out what those questions are, and coming to terms with it as best you can will be the better method. Maybe not the kind of closure you were hoping for, but the kind that will bring you peace and calmness.

Lou

This morning was tough. I had a dream about her and it led to me waking up wanting nothing more than to be in her arms.

Tonight, though has been different. My coworker suggested that I call her on my next day off for some type of closure. I kind of see it as maybe best to leave it be. The foundation was weak, maybe it’s best to just burn the house down. I recognize that talking now would only lead to an argument, especially if I tell her that things are going to have to change if she wants me in her life. My coworker said she’s selfish in that she sees things all about her. I don’t know what she’s thinking so it might not be true.

My brother told me that it’s well past the time I told her we’d talk, but agreed that she could have texted me back as well. He told me that some type of closure would be good but it’s not always possible.

I’m realizing that I kind of enjoy not feeling guilty or pressured to talk when I’d rather be doing other things. I really think it was moreso just being there for each other. The me I am now can’t fit back into that. Though I still think texting or calling her would lead to me falling for her again.

We really do have different lives. I cried at work thinking how I wish things could be different. How I could see things from her view but I just can’t. She sees things the way a ‘normal 20 year old sees things’ according to my other coworker. Sometimes I feel like I’m one of the only people left who sees things the way I do in the world and it’s quite lonely. Maybe I’m a naive hopeless romantic. Maybe I still think there’s hope if we saw each other more or she put the effort that I would like to see into it. I’m not sure.

I hope that one day we can be friends again. I just know I can’t be her everything and nothing all at once. It was stressful. It was comforting, but stressful. It took away from who I was an individual to give her what she needed. Now I have to work on myself.

 

[Lou2U]

Your brother’s right - the closure you might come away with probably won’t be the type of closure you’re hoping for. For example, since you’ve broken up, you have learnt a lot about yourself and what you want in a relationship, and the types of thing you want to change. If you do speak to her again, don’t be surprised to find her exactly the same as she was. She may not have thought over everything like you have. If you’re not ready to talk to her, you don’t have to. If you are, just keep in mind that you might not get what you are hoping for, but it will be something.

You will find someone who fits you, who thinks like you, who sees the world like you. And she’ll find someone who sees everything in the way she does. It’ll be better for you both - you aren’t feeling pressure to be something you aren’t for the sake of the other person.

Now, it’s time for you. What you want, what you like, what you need. Don’t let how she might feel control your future. You have to live it, she does not.

Lou

 

[JustinK]

Your brother’s right - the closure you might come away with probably won’t be the type of closure you’re hoping for. For example, since you’ve broken up, you have learnt a lot about yourself and what you want in a relationship, and the types of thing you want to change. If you do speak to her again, don’t be surprised to find her exactly the same as she was. She may not have thought over everything like you have. If you’re not ready to talk to her, you don’t have to. If you are, just keep in mind that you might not get what you are hoping for, but it will be something.

You will find someone who fits you, who thinks like you, who sees the world like you. And she’ll find someone who sees everything in the way she does. It’ll be better for you both - you aren’t feeling pressure to be something you aren’t for the sake of the other person.

Now, it’s time for you. What you want, what you like, what you need. Don’t let how she might feel control your future. You have to live it, she does not.

Lou

My coworker wanted me to text her tomorrow and he can stand by me for support. He thinks something needs to change.

Got some milestone news: Her picture doesn’t pop up on my frequent contacts anymore. It was hard seeing her every time I needed to make a call. It’s also officially been a month.

Images of her popped in when I was working tonight, as always. So nothing has changed there.

Interesting thing just happened, though. I went to Walmart and the wifi kicked in. She sent me a snapchat. Normally, I’d be ecstatic, as I loved seeing her. But seeing how it’s been a month now and I haven’t heard from her since, it’s most likely going to be very bad. I think I’m going to wait until tomorrow when my friend is available to open it. Though I am curious.

My coworker basically told me to tell her everything that we’ve talked about and how it makes me feel.

You’re right, though. In the end, it will all work out. I’ll either talk to her, stand my ground, and get a better relationship with her. Or I’ll find someone who suits me better.

Thanks again.