The party was fun. Great food and music like every year.
I got reminded of her here and there with silly things, but I tried to let them go.
Driving home, my mom asked me if I had fun. I told her that I did and she couldn’t tell because I was quiet the whole time. Then she asked me something. ‘Isn’t it fun being happy?’ That kind of hit me. Like of course it is. It just doesn’t feel right, sometimes. Maybe it is because of the relationship or maybe it’s something else. Honestly, all this started after high school. Being thrust into a world of new ideas and views. It consumed and confused me and I think I stayed quiet because I didn’t want to change. I’ve never been a fan of change at all.
My mom used to tell my sister that she needed to work on herself before trying to work on someone else. That a guy wouldn’t be her sole source of happiness. I’m thinking with Kenzie, maybe I was attached to feeling like I needed her and she needed me. One of the first things we talked about was how we didn’t have a lot in common, but she told me that it was good because then we could find things together. My friend once told me that I get attached to the attention people gave me. Maybe it’s because I don’t give myself attention or feel like it’s right to do so. I don’t know why it feels this way, it just does. I get comfortable with a situation and then I become complacent with things until something else forces me to make a change. I need to work on myself more and find an identity.
There was a class I took in college that talked about stages of aging. One of the first ones was Identity. You know how high schoolers try to find themselves by developing their own style or rebelling against certain ideas? I never had that. I never saw the need to. But the point is that you can’t move onto the next stage of aging without passing the criteria before. Maybe this is a time I should use to find out who I am. Then I get to thinking that maybe once I do, I can go back to her with a voice. But the problem is that I can’t go back. Maybe part of me just wants to say goodbye for good. But that will only confuse her as to why I’m coming back to her to tell her goodbye.
I had a teacher in high school that started the class with a song to start off his topic. One class talked about happiness. ‘If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad. If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad?’ To this, he responded with, ‘But killing people could make someone happy.’ That happiness can lead to complaceny and consume you. That if we rely on our own understanding of happiness, it might lead us down a dark path that we don’t see a problem with.
I’m not talking about killing anyone. I’m talking about feeling okay to live.
You’re right. Introspection is a gift not many people seem to have. But it is incredibly isolating. It is a big part of who I am as a person, though. This is why I cling to it so. I can’t see to just be or do.
I’m finding though that nothing changes until you make it change. I can pray for guidance or the right words to say, but if I don’t act or say anything, nothing changes. This is probably one of the more valuable lessons I have learned from this relationship.
I’m reminded of some quotes:
‘Preach the Gospel at all times, use word when necessary.’
‘Be the change you wish to see in the world.’
Anyway, I’ll stop rambling. Thank you for being here and lending a kind ear. It helps more than you know.
