Relationship crumbling, family members ill, crisis of faith

[pvhc47]

This is my first post on this forum. As such I think it’s only right that I begin by saying hello to everyone on here. I come to you in a time of despair…

I’m a 23 year old Catholic. I’ve always felt close to God and believed that He’s watching over me. I have not attended mass for several years now, but I confess every day to God in private and speak to Him… But now I find myself in dire need of help.

It all started when I met a woman this year. We got on so well, and I found myself opening up to her like I’d never done to a stranger before… Needless to say, it didn’t take long before we became romantically involved. The only problem was…she’s a Muslim. A Nigerian Muslim, to be exact. This wasn’t a huge problem for me, though, as she isn’t very religious. She has no Muslim values, but does still believe in God. I told her I was a Catholic and she didn’t mind, and actually seemed more drawn to the Church because of me). But things went wrong.

I discovered from an old acquaintance that this woman used to work as a prostitute. I confronted her about it and she told me that was ancient history… I finally moved past this and started to trust her… Anyway, things seemed to be on the up until recently. But then last month…I received two terrible lots of news.

Firstly, I discovered that my grandmother’s bad back was much more serious than I thought. If she doesn’t have life threatening surgery then she could be left paralysed. Also, my mother’s health has taken a downturn regarding her rheumatoid arthritis and sarcoidosis. Things just didn’t seem like they could get much worse…but then I discovered something else… My girlfriend is working as an escort again. My mother had noticed a link from her Twitter page redirecting people to her escort page. I created a booking in a fake name to see if she’d turn up…and she did. She swore to me that she wasn’t working again, saying that she’d just activated her account again accidentally, and could tell it was me who’d booked her because she’d traced the IP address. And you know what…I would have believed her. If it wasn’t for the fact she’d locked the door for nearly 10 minutes on seeing my face. Clearly in that time she’d cooked up this story… And this is why I’m having a crisis of faith.

Why is God doing this to me? Why are so many things going wrong now? Is He testing me? Does He want me to save my girlfriend from this life? If that is His intention then I fear I’ve ruined things, as I’ve broke things off with her and she’s now blocked my number, and because she’s not a citizen of this country I don’t know how I could even contact her again… My faith is strong but I don’t know if I could carry on if anything happened to my mother and grandmother. And I realise now that I am in love with my girlfriend.

And that’s why I’m here, to seek advice. What should I do? And what are God’s intentions in all this? Does he want me to save this woman? Is that why she came into my life? At the time I thought she’d been sent to save me from a lifetime of loneliness, but now I feel it might be the reverse. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

All advice would be appreciated.

 

[AdamP88]

Firstly, you should realise that God isn’t “doing this to you”. This is just a bunch of bad situations that have unfortunately all happened at the same time. Life can be like that sometimes. Where God comes into all of this is that He will give you stength to deal with this in a good way and to come through possibly with a greater faith than before. You must pray for that though.

In terms of your mother and grnadmother, it is normal that parents die before their children. I was very close to my grandfather, and he died two years ago. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think I’d love to have a conversation with him one more time, but I’m sure he’s with God as he was basically a living saint.

On a practical level, you should forget about the girl. There are many, many more women out there who are not prostitutes, and who are honest. Apart from the fact that she lied to you, it’s very possible that she has an STD (or several).

People aren’t sent to “save” someone from a lifetime of lonileness. That’s not how that works.

You aren’t supposed to save her and she certainly won’t be saving you.

 

[Gilly_flower]

You are 23 and have become unwisely involved with an unsuitable woman who has demonstrably lied to you…I would chalk it up to experience, and be grateful that she is out of your life before fleecing you financially and giving you an sti. It would however be charitable to pray for her - but “rescuing” prostitution is the stuff of fantasy - Pretty Woman was a Cinderella story…

 

[pvhc47]

I appreciate your response, but I fear you may be jumping to a few conclusions here.

First of all, I’ve always accepted that my mother and grandmother would most likely die before me. But not before time. My grandmother is 78, yes, but apart from her back she’s healthy in every way, so it seems almost unfair. And my mother is only 48, so that’s even worse. Granted, the doctors haven’t said she will die soon, but they don’t think with both conditions she’ll live beyond 65/70 at the most.

Secondly, my girlfriend is, at heart, a good person. I know that seems hard to accept given the little information provided, but in many ways she’s a good person. She gives loads of money to charity and cooks for free at Christmas for homeless people. No one is perfect, but there is a really good woman inside. And what can I do when I’m in love with her? I could just try and forget her but that just feels wrong to me. I have prayed again and again about this but the solution has not yet been presented to my heart.

 

[pvhc47]

Mary Magdalene was saved. That wasn’t fantasy.

 

[AdamP88]

First of all, I’ve always accepted that my mother and grandmother would most likely die before me. But not before time. My grandmother is 78, yes, but apart from her back she’s healthy in every way, so it seems almost unfair. And my mother is only 48, so that’s even worse. Granted, the doctors haven’t said she will die soon, but they don’t think with both conditions she’ll live beyond 65/70 at the most.

I didn’t mean to sound callous, I just meant that even if they do die, you will have to get on with life and pray for them. My own mother had cancer last year and she is only 53. It’s possible she’ll live for years to come but it’s also possible she could have a reccurence any time.

Secondly, my girlfriend is, at heart, a good person. I know that seems hard to accept given the little information provided, but in many ways she’s a good person. She gives loads of money to charity and cooks for free at Christmas for homeless people. No one is perfect, but there is a really good woman inside. And what can I do when I’m in love with her? I could just try and forget her but that just feels wrong to me. I have prayed again and again about this but the solution has not yet been presented to my heart.

Well, she did lie to you about working again. That would be a red light to me. (no pun intended)
I’d be prepared to give someone a chance, but you know for a fact that she lied to you and was working again, so to be honest I’d say even if you did get back in contact you ought to forget her. Perhaps that’s hard but it’ll get easier with time. Everyone has the potential to be a good person, but not everyone realises that potential. Change has to come from the inside.

Sometimes there is no solution to things in life, or the solution is something that we don’t want to accept. It’s only a reason to lose faith if we blame God for not doing things our way.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Mary Magdelene was a demoniac, not a prostitute

 

[pvhc47]

Blockquote
I didn’t mean to sound callous, I just meant that even if they do die, you will have to get on with life and pray for them. My own mother had cancer last year and she is only 53. It’s possible she’ll live for years to come but it’s also possible she could have a reccurence any time.

I’m sorry to hear about your mother and grandfather, and I understand what you’re trying to say. I think if these three things had happened a little further apart then I would have handled it better. At the moment I just feel like I’m in a pit that I can’t get out of. It’s not that I’m really doubting God, I’m just doubting my understanding of Him, I suppose.

Blockquote
Well, she did lie to you about working again. That would be a red light to me. (no pun intended)
I’d be prepared to give someone a chance, but you know for a fact that she lied to you and was working again, so to be honest I’d say even if you did get back in contact you ought to forget her. Perhaps that’s hard but it’ll get easier with time. Everyone has the potential to be a good person, but not everyone realises that potential. Change has to come from the inside.

Of course I’m upset about her lying to me. I’m devastated. It’s the fact that it came just after the other two bits of bad news that really made things terrible, though… To be honest, I don’t know what her story is because she’s always been secretive about it. She pretends to be on speaking terms with her family back in Nigeria, saying that they send her money to help her out and stuff, but I’m not sure I believe it anymore. I suspect that she run away from her family to make a better life for herself in the UK, and the money she was getting was always from working as an escort. I doubt that she would have ever volunteered the information to me. The day I told her I knew about her being a prostitute she was just silent for several minutes, as though working out whether to try and salvage the relationship by lying or to just walk away. She decided to lie and I think that was unfair to me. What makes it even worse is that she still won’t admit that she’s working again, because she’s secretly hoping that I’ll get in touch with her again. I’m just so upset about it because I do care for her a great deal, and I believe she cares about me, too. If I thought I’d been used then I wouldn’t be so upset, I’d be just angry and annoyed with myself for making such a mistake. I want to understand her story, I want her to open up to me but I just don’t think that’s possible for her. She just tells too many lies, even about silly things like saying she was at uni when we first met when she actually finished her uni work two years ago (I suspect she told me that she was still studying so I wouldn’t wonder why she didn’t have a job). Later she said it was just because she didn’t want me knowing her real age because she thought it might be a problem for me because she’s older than I am (she’s 29)… I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet. I’m going to leave it another week before making my next move.

 

[Gilly_flower]

This entire relationship is based on lies…and you will never ever really be able to trust her.

I am sorry for the poor girl, but as an expert in prostitution once told me in an interview “prostitution doesn’t damage people: damaged people go into prostitution”. And at 23 you are unlikely to have the means or life experience to help her with the damage life has done to her.

If she gets back to you be kind and put her in touch with organisations which will help her - but you are not old enough, or experienced enough to help her…

I suspect this is your first serious relationship, so walking away will be hard - but there are plenty of lovely 20 year olds around who would be glad of someone as obviously caring as you are.

Don’t chuck your life away for a fantasy…

 

[AdamP88]

Agree with @Gilly_flower

I wouldn’t write off anyone completely, but if I dated a girl and she told me she had been a prostitute…that would be it for me. I could deal with “I’m not a virgin”, but being a prostitute is a whole different level. Besides the fact that she could have a variety of STD’s, the emotional baggage is something that would literally be the focus of your relationship for years.

This woman lied to you and that would be a strong signal not to trust her. She is obvioulsy still invlved in prostitution for whatever reason. Do you really want to date/marry a woman who is actively involved in prostitution?

 

[pvhc47]

Thank you for this response.

I know why you’re thinking this way, as if a stranger told me this I would tell them to run for the hills too. But you didn’t see us together. We were always holding hands and cuddling. There was something real there… But the point you make is well made. “Damaged people go into prostitution”.

Her opinion of men is low. She kept saying to me, “why are you been so nice to me?”, just because I bought her a box of chocolates. She said I was “one man in a billion”. These were all flattering remarks, but told me that she’d had negative experiences with men. Yes, I’m an honest guy, but I’m not exactly perfect. But she seemed to see me that way. She also didn’t want to rush the relationship, saying that we should keep our distance because she didn’t want to be heartbroken. I kept saying, “I’m not the kind to cheat or just break it off when things get slightly tough”… She didn’t want me getting close because she was an escort and didn’t want things to end badly when I found out… The biggest sign that she’s been hurt in the past is the numerous scars on her body. When I questioned them, she said that she had some condition when she was younger that caused injuries to never properly heal, but I don’t believe that. Also, when I turned up to confront her, her first reaction was to beg me to calm down (even though I wasn’t shouting or anything) and not to hit her as she could explain. And that’s when she told me she knew it was me who’d booked her. Of course, that was a lie, but what really alarmed me was that she thought I was about to hurt her.

Yes, this is my first serious relationship. But I fail to see how having more experience would help in this position. Yes, maybe having more money would help. And that’s another thing. She never really asked for money (only once so she could get her laptop fixed).

I still don’t know what I’m going to do yet… I don’t see how I could ever trust her again, and thus the relationship would be doomed even if I did reach out to her… But on the other hand, I feel as though I’m being selfish. Yes, I’m the wounded party…but only when it comes to us. In the real world, I’m lucky in having a great family behind me. In fact, after my mother called me during my confrontation with her, she said “It’s nice that your family cares so much for you. We aren’t all so lucky”… I mean, you don’t exactly have to be Holmes or Poirot to figure out that this woman is in need of someone to show her that life doesn’t have to be this way. That’s why I keep going back to God. I want to know what He wants of me in this position.

After I ended it with her she called me up and said. "You were right. You’re better off without me in your life. You can’t trust me because of what you know (about her working as an escort in the past). I said “What do you expect when you can’t stop lying?” She said, “I’m not saying it’s your fault.” Then she paused and added. “If God wants us to be together then we will be”. So I said. “God doesn’t force people to do things. He can only show us the way”. Then she hung up and blocked my number. But I have a feeling if I leave it now…that conversation will haunt me forever.

 

[pvhc47]

Blockquote
Do you really want to date/marry a woman who is actively involved in prostitution?

No. I would never accept that. But if she stopped and got herself a proper job, and finally told me the truth about everything…then yes. I would go back to her in a heartbeat. It’s just that I can’t trust her word… Ironically, in a way, the smaller lies are more problematic, as it could indicate that she’s a habitual liar. Also, the way she says her lies with such vigor when confronted. Honestly, if you knew nothing about the situation then you’d probably believe her. She has to be completely backed into a corner before she’ll admit anything… My mother thinks she actually believes her lies and is living in a dreamworld, but I don’t think that’s true. I just think she’s had a very, very hard life. It seems as though her being a good liar or not has been the difference between life and death for her in the past.

 

[1ke]

Why is God doing this to me?

You have a wrong idea about God if you think he is “doing” thing to you.

God does not make bad things happen to people.

The situation with your girlfriend is of your own making. You had multiple signs and warnings that she had a sketchy past and yet still dated her. She is not a person to have a relationship with.

Often when we are not walking with God— and you are not, as you’ve admitted you don’t attend Mass or participate in the sacramental life— we get involved with people and situations that are bad for us.

Then we want to blame God for them when they don’t turn our.

My advice is to get far away from this girl, return to the practice of the faith, go to confession, don’t get sexually involved with girls who you aren’t married to, and focus on helping your family members right now.

 

[1ke]

And what can I do when I’m in love with her?

Get some counseling.

Seriously, you’re only 23, have your whole life ahead
of you, yet you describe yourself as hopelessly lonely and are clinging to a woman who has sex with men for money and trying to rationalize that as Love and rationalize that she is really a “good person” so you are torn about not staying with her.

Those are all signs of something that is really wrong— depression or insecurity or something you need to talk about with a counselor.

 

[pvhc47]

I appreciate your advice, but feel as though you’re being a tad judgemental.

First of all, I’m not blaming God. Perhaps my wording was poor, but what I meant was…everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe the lesson here is to be less gullible. And besides, as I’ve already explained in my other posts (if you’ve read them), this woman is very damaged. I’ve known escorts before in the past (my friend dated one for 6 months). They’re hard and usually selfish to the core. But this woman isn’t like that. As I’ve explained, there is a good woman inside, I know it. I wouldn’t have been attracted to her at all otherwise.

And as for my relationship with God. Well, the truth is, the reason I don’t attend mass much is because I actually feel more disconnected from God there. That may sound bad, but it’s the way I feel. I feel closer to God when I speak freely to Him alone in my own room or in a quiet place.

 

[pvhc47]

Blockquote
Those are all signs of something that is really wrong— depression or insecurity or something you need to talk about with a counselor

Again, you’re being judgemental. You don’t know this woman. You seem to think I’m making up her many good qualities in my head. And yes, I did always long for a life partner…but I was never lonely in a…sexual sense. I mean, this isn’t the sort of thing I like to talk about on here, but I’ve had quite a number of casual relationships in the past. I never felt I was doing anything wrong at the time, but now I feel different. The point is, it isn’t as though I’ve fallen for the first woman who came along. I just really care for her and do believe that I’m in love with her. And yes, this being my first serious relationship might be clouding my judgement a bit, but what do you expect? I’d have to be an emotionless robot to just walk away without having even a second thought.

 

[AdamP88]

but it’s the way I feel. I feel closer to God when I speak freely to Him alone in my own room or in a quiet place.

The problem with this is that it comes purely from what you feel. Feelings alone are not an accurate manner with which to make such decisions. Mass can sometimes be boring and tedious for me. But I realise that it is the sacrifice of Jesus at Calvary, being recreated on the altar, and the greatest source of grace. So I know it is necessary to keep going to mass. Just because you don’t feel that it’s good doesn’t mean it isn’t

 

[AdamP88]

I’d have to be an emotionless robot to just walk away without having even a second thought.

Not really, you’d just have to set aside your emotions to make a rational decision that this woman is probably not good news. She may well have good qualities. But the facts speak for themselves.

 

[pvhc47]

Blockquote
Not really, you’d just have to set aside your emotions to make a rational decision that this woman is probably not good news. She may well have good qualities. But the facts speak for themselves.

Of course I agree with you’re saying to a degree. I’m just conflicted… I think I should wait another week or so and then try and contact her, even if it’s for the last time I think it’s the healthy thing to do because I really need the closure. I will tell her how much she’s hurt me and give her one last chance to own up to her actions and see if she’s willing to change for good this time. And she will need to tell me everything about her past, as well, because I just can’t deal with anymore lies.

 

[AdamP88]

Fair enough. Good luck with it anyway.