Relationship. Is disagreeing on the purpose of life a fair reason to end a relationship?

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Fist of all, I commend you for thinking about the big picture within your dating life. It is very easy to get distracted by strong romantic attractions and lose sight of the intended purpose of those attractions – marriage and family. I would want to better understand how this woman’s faith ties into her priorities in life. It is important to consider whether a prospective spouse will support and encourage you in living out your faith, and in raising children in that faith. You will ultimately have to decide whether this woman is going to be able to do that.
 
OP, if I may make a suggestion (and for background, I’m a widow who was married for 23 years to someone I had been seeing for 10 years prior to that):

When you have these situations with your girlfriend and perhaps later with your wife, you need to discuss it with them, also listening very carefully to their viewpoint, and then make a decision based on your heart.

Asking a lot of strangers is going to get a lot of responses based on their own experiences…which might not be yours.
 
BartholomewB said:
Your children will make their own minds up about that – and about just about everything else, as well.
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Yeah, and don’t be surprised if they make a choice that’s pretty much opposite from what you tried to teach them.
Some kids will do that just as a way of differentiating themselves from the parent.
Or because they didn’t like being told material things weren’t important while their buddy was getting handed the latest video game by his parents every other month.
(Buddy will probably be the one who grows up to say “material things aren’t important”. )
 
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Please correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like you are wondering if she puts God first or the world first. In my experience, a crucial part of relationship discernment is praying together out loud, with your own words, from the heart every time you go on a date (as opposed to only reciting the rosary or something). Listening to each others’ intentions, concerns, and praises reveals the levels of spiritual maturity present. And if she won’t pray with you, I would take the exit. If you pray out loud together and it’s obvious that she’s only interested in having God grant her what she wants, as if He’s Santa Clause, then it’s time for a serious discussion. She may not have any real relationship with God. Now, lots of people don’t have a real relationship with God, but in marriage, one goal is to foster this relationship because you’re trying to get each other to Heaven. I would explore if you’re both moving in this direction or not. If you can’t get on the same page with this, then I think you have a painful uphill battle, and one or more of you may not be ready for marriage at all.
 
I’d bet you a ham sandwich that this is simply how she was raised. We develop our “outlook” and goals from what happened in childhood. Do you know her parents well?
 
Yes, thank you! I believe you have reached t he root of my concern before I did. Thank you!

I am worried that she would be an example of materialism to our children if we made it that far. And that is not an example I would want set for my kids. But you’re right. We should have a good discussion about this topic to see where her opinions are as far what she expects to provide/be provided in the future and how important obtaining the most recent things are to her.

Thank you for your loving and charitable, yet honest response!
 
I am getting to know them. That does make sense though. Her parents have some disagreements with things that I practice/believe.

I should spend more time and allow her parents to know me better.
 
Thank you,

I appreciate your honesty wrapped in charity.
I will have this discussion with her, and share what is appropriate so that you can all be kept up to date. I appreciate your opinion and thoughts. Although I don’t agree with everyone, I appreciate the different perspectives and allow them to assist me in developing my own.
 
Antonela said:
I don’t think you and I would be successful partners. However I assure you, I am not lazy, nor has she had any reason to believe so.
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I think Antonela is simply providing constructive criticism. You’re girl-friend needs your support in you putting her needs ahead of your own and helping her find her God-given purpose and she owes you the same in return.

To love someone is a decision - it’s not a feeling. Passion isn’t what determines success in a relationship or more importantly the success of a marriage, commitment is. Commitment is based of mutual love & respect and acknowledging her autonomy. When two become one, it’s not about getting one’s way. It’s instead about truly coming up with what works both for you regardless of how much arguing and discussion is necessary. It’s hard work because you both need to get your needs and expectations met and must be equally yoked to God’s will. There are growth moments. You can’t be the same person and expect to be pulling your weight in the relationship. It’s important to work with her and you will learn over time how to do so. Whether or not the relationship succeeds and turns into marriage, you and her will both grow that if the relationship is successful will truly lead to a great marriage and/or help you in subsequent relationships. You’ll learn. For me, I’m still learning and that’s after 2 years of marriage and 5 years together. Most importantly, forgive each other and yourself as there are many times where you’re just not going to agree.
 
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That’s not the issue. Nor is it a concern in our situation. I assure you.
 
Thank you!

I appreciate your direct addressing of the topic, and sharing your experience.

I think she is more than welcome to break up with me if she so chooses, we are not married. That is the purpose of dating, to decide if this person is the person we want to run to heaven with for the rest of our lives.

I am here asking if it’s fair to have such a strong conviction about the topic of faith that I am bothered that she doesn’t appear to share the same conviction.

Our conversations up to this point have been agreeable on other major points such as the importance of family, the meaning of sex, abstiance until marriage, the meaning and importance of prayer, and many other central belief topics. And it was probably a foolish decision on my part, but I assumed based on that discussion that she would agree on this as well. I was bothered by her response. And so I brought it to this medium to hear some different opinions!

Hail Mary
Hail Holy Queen
Our Father
 
That’s a great question to ask her, and I commend you for asking her.

A word of caution - life goals often change. If I answered your question when I got married, my answer would be very different than it would if I answered today. Part of that is due to experience, and part of it is due to my faith maturing. Remember, she might not be in the same place as you in the faith. This doesn’t sound like a deal breaker (assuming no other flags).
 
This is an honest, charitable and fair answer. Thank you.

I don’t know how strong her conviction is on these goals. And I will ask her. If she places them above God, then for me it would probably be a deal breaker. My ultimate goal is to make it to heaven. And I am looking for a spouse who will run with me there, taking of the fruits of our labor in this world, but not looking back when our time here is done. Instead looking forward to the true purpose of our lives. To get to heaven and bring as many souls with us as we can.

Hail Mary
Hail Holy Queen
Our Father
 
Yes it is the purpose of dating. There’s a difference between having unmet goals and feeling like a failure as a result of the lacking of achievement and idolatry towards obtaining worthwhile possessions. It’s not money that’s evil - it’s the love of money that’s the root of all evil. And God does, thru our work, give us our purpose.

Work is constantly mentioned in the Bible, but knowing where God wants you is sometimes a lifetime trying to figure it out. I see her as highly-motivated, competitive, and the taking of initiative. She needs to realize that sometimes we don’t achieve something because it is not God’s will. You can pray for that contentment if you feel that’s an issue but you can also pray for both you and her discernment on decisions in life.

There’s going to be a lot of times that you’re going to be bothered by her response. It’s possible that she has to work with other Christian sisters on how to build contentment and truly accept what God allows her to achieve, when he stays silent (aka not yet), and when God denies her something to achieve.
LundyLund said:
That’s a great question to ask her, and I commend you for asking her.

A word of caution - life goals often change. If I answered your question when I got married, my answer would be very different than it would if I answered today. Part of that is due to experience, and part of it is due to my faith maturing. Remember, she might not be in the same place as you in the faith. This doesn’t sound like a deal breaker
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Such solid advice! Life has thrown us so many curve-balls - they just couldn’t have been predicted beforehand. These curve-balls have actually built our character and have been a blessing.
 
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You took the words out of my mouth. one of OP’s jobs is to support his future family and spiritual development. God gives us tools to do that. We have to discern and act on that calling.
 
I have said this before in this thread. The idea of providing, is not a concern or issue in our circumstance.

Further, the dynamics of our relationship. Are not what I brought to discuss. Please refrain from making comments on what I need or need not to be doing with my career or finances. You don’t know me, and they are not the topic of discussion.
 
It’s wonderful that you are so well off that providing for children is not an issue, but in the real world, it is an issue for the vast majority of us. Please be realistic about the kinds of responses you get from strangers.
 
I did not say that I am well off or not. I simply stated that it is not a concern and that it’s not the topic of discussion.

It could mean that we have agreed to become Franciscans and live in poverty. Or something different. What I am trying to say is that this topic was not created to discuss whether or not we can provide for ourselves. Or whether that is a worry. She does not claim that she hold my achievements as a measure of my life. But that she holds hers as the measure of hers.

Why, I ask, is the topic so focused on deciding on whether or not I am fulfilling this role instead?

I will state again that my two worries are that she will:
  1. Teach my children that material goods and earthly achievements are the purpose of life. And obtaining them means a fulfilled life.
  2. That she is who she is. And I accept her as a person. And I don’t want her to change. Or feel that I am forcing her to do so.
But just because I accept her as a person, does that mean I should have to accept her as my future wife? Dating is to discern marriage. I was asking if it’s fair to consider her value on the earthly as a big enough reason to consider ending the relationship. That. Is. All.

AgnesSmith did a good job of rewording my concerns. Please read that post.
 
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