Relationship. Is disagreeing on the purpose of life a fair reason to end a relationship?

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WrestledwithGod said:
does that mean I should have to accept her as my future wife?
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If this is really your question, then it’s a silly question. Of course you don’t. You aren’t married. You can break it off with her for any reason or no reason. You don’t have to accept her as a spouse.

What we’re trying to get at is if she’s actually a materialistic striver or if she’s just a normal person with goals and ambition.
 
No. It is not. I stated what my two qualms were.

They are numbered.
 
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WrestledwithGod said:
  • Teach my children that material goods and earthly achievements are the purpose of life. And obtaining them means a fulfilled life.
  • That she is who she is. And I accept her as a person. And I don’t want her to change. Or feel that I am forcing her to do so.
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When it comes to ending the relationship because of her value of the earthly, my answer to that is definitely NOT YET. As Dave Ramsey says, you must agree on parenting, money, in-laws, and religion. If there’s any issue on one of these issues, in this case parenting, it means you need to take the time to see that marriage is the right decision. It’s not by itself a deal-breaker. It’s normal to have to work on agreement and on communication.

#1 is the bigger issue. Both of you must discern whether the other parent is going to parent the same way you/she does. The goals and values you teach your children need to be in sync and not different from one another. This is why the Bible says you must be equally yoked.

#2 is something that comes in time. Only you will know if her character and her personality is something you can live with or if it’s just too much. Is she too intense? Can you walk with her in her spiritual development or must she be at or above your level? This is where commitment and choosing to love and/or choosing to respect is so important! This is why it’s a great idea to take a good amount of time to date and get to know each other. Only you can decide if it bothers you and if you’re interpreting her beliefs correctly, but this takes time. You want to understand if she truly is ambitious or worrisome or looking for security or is truly idolatry to these possessions. You want to see what her deep underlying values, character, and goodwill is and if it’s a match to yours or if it contradicts with yours. You want to know what she appreciates in her friend(s).

Opposites can attract but you must have equivalent values and virtues even if you constantly disagree on everything. I’ve seen couples fight for 50 years and have a happy marriage and have couples that appear to never have a disagreement only to get a divorce shortly after marriage.

When you do move in after marriage, it is a completely different experience. Even if two people co-habitate before marriage, living together after marriage is very different; it’s also why cohabitation is not recommended.
 
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  1. That’s not necessarily what she believes either. Maybe she didn’t fully understand what you were asking. Or maybe she’s a total materialist. Talk to her more.
  2. Sometimes people change and grow in relationships. It’s not a huge deal. Expressing your position isn’t forcing her to change.
It sounds like you’re just trying to rationalize breaking up with her, which you don’t need to do.
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
  1. That’s not necessarily what she believes either. Maybe she didn’t fully understand what you were asking. Or maybe she’s a total materialist. Talk to her more.
  2. Sometimes people change and grow in relationships. It’s not a huge deal. Expressing your position isn’t forcing her to change.
It sounds like you’re just trying to rationalize breaking up with her, which you don’t need to do.
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+1 That is what marriage has taught me too. There were times where my wife was in Wrestled with God’s position only to communicate with me and get a different understanding.
 
In short – YES, disagreement on the purpose of life is a fair reason to end a relationship. Does that mean it is always a fair reason? I’d say perhaps not, but it can easily be a fair reason.

I don’t want to assume you were careless in how you explained your concerns with her answer, nor do I want to assume her reasons were selfish. Maybe the way she sees it really is directed toward the benefit of her family or others.

That said, one thing to ask is 1) does she challenge you to become holier and be a better man for God, and 2) does she want you to do the same for her to become a holier woman for God.

Think too on a natural level if these disagreements are the tip of the iceberg. Could this lead to bigger concerns.

You both won’t agree on everything, and that’s fine, but make sure to look at these things.
 
Thank you, my brothers and sisters.

I have come to agree with some points that have come across in our situation.
  1. I need to (and am going to) speak with her on this matter to decide where we stand
  2. I was indeed seeking justification to break up with her. I consider myself to have grown quite a bit in many regards, but unfortunately I still run when I see a situation where I would cause another to hurt. And so, to certain sense I was seeking an out.
  3. I love her deeply, and so I was also more deeply seekinrg reasons to prove why my thinking was mistaken.
  4. I need to pray more.
Thank you brothers and sisters. I will speak to her, and will let you know the result of said conversation since you have invested yourselves.

Hail Mary
Hail Holy Queen
Out Father
 
WrestledwithGod said:
I was indeed seeking justification to break up with her. I consider myself to have grown quite a bit in many regards, but unfortunately I still run when I see a situation where I would cause another to hurt. And so, to certain sense I was seeking an out.
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Yeah, you don’t need a reason to stop dating someone. You can just end it and it sounds like you should. Obviously, don’t be a jerk about it, but you’re under no obligation to keep seeing her.

May I ask how old you are/where you’re from?
 
I wouldn’t discard an otherwise great relationship over that difference. I am in my 50’s and my ideas on that exact topic have evolved and changed over the years. I excpect it will continue to do so until I take my last breath. That is a healthy thing. On the other hand, values are important. It is difficult to maintain a relationship of this type with someone who doesn’t have similar values. Good/Bad, Right/Wrong, Priorities, etc. While these also may evolve, if you aren’t at least close than you may have one heckofa rocky road ahead. In other words, the “how” you live life is way more important than the “why”. I think you can have different “whys” but make sure your “hows” are compatible.
 
WrestledwithGod said:
I will have this discussion with her, and share what is appropriate so that you can all be kept up to date.
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It may be worth considering how she might feel about your relationship being discussed on the internet, especially if you are doing that without their knowledge or consent. There is a danger this discussion goes beyond a specific question into discussing, and judging, a person (and now her parents) in some detail on the internet behind their backs.
 
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You are missing my point.

Here is my point. If people don’t work and earn money, they can’t feed their babies or house them. So any young woman will have this as a concern and need to be met with regard to child resring
 
So you don’t disagree with the goals she has, you just think she should also have some ‘deeper goals’?

Not everyone is at the same level of spiritual growth. Focus on how open she is in this area, she will evolve.
 
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I think if you can learn to disagree without being disagreeable then things can work out for you if the both of you are willing to work things through.
 
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