Relationship with a Priest

[CatholicLiving]

Hi,

I’d like to explain my situation to you. I’m a 25 year old single catholic woman who spends her weekend at the church, volunteering, praying, reading, etc. Me and one of the younger priests (27 years old) at the church have been spending lots of time together alone, praying together, talking, etc. We have grown really really close and I’m starting to develop a crush for him. I don’t know his feelings for me but I did catch him looking at me in a peculiar way several times.

What should I do?

 

[Vico]

Hi,

I’d like to explain my situation to you. I’m a 25 year old single catholic woman who spends her weekend at the church, volunteering, praying, reading, etc. Me and one of the younger priests (27 years old) at the church have been spending lots of time together alone, praying together, talking, etc. We have grown really really close and I’m starting to develop a crush for him. I don’t know his feelings for me but I did catch him looking at me in a peculiar way several times.

What should I do?

Never be alone with the priest.

 

[MNathaniel]

We have grown really really close and I’m starting to develop a crush for him. I don’t know his feelings for me but I did catch him looking at me in a peculiar way several times.

What should I do?

Exactly what you’d do if this were a married man.

Obviously do whatever it takes to end your crush on him, and/or leave his vicinity. He is not free to marry you. He has made vows of celibacy as part of his devotion to Christ and the Church. Love means willing the good of another, and it would not be good for him to break his vows. Therefore if you love him on even a disinterested Christian level (much less even a personal level), you will leave him alone and make sure to never, ever tempt him to break his vows.

Do you have another parish locally where you could attend Mass and do your volunteering?

 

[CatholicLiving]

Why? He often invites me into the Rectory for drinks and to chat, it’s always been civil, and only recently have I started to develop a crush on him. Is it that bad to have a friend?

 

[CatholicLiving]

I’m not asking him to marry me though. I just want to know what I should do to help me end my feelings for him so we can continue to be friends like normal. I do find him physically attractive but that has never led me to do anything disrespectful.

 

[Irishmom2]

You do not see how what you call a friendship/crush is inappropriate with a priest? The fact that you are here asking this question should tell you that it’s not right.

It’s one thing to be friendly in a group, or if he were someone you knew before he was a priest. But this is different. You should not be spending time alone with him. I don’t know what kind of drinks he is serving in the Rectory, but if it’s alcoholic, you need to stop that.

 

[MNathaniel]

Is it that bad to have a friend?

It is not bad at all to have a friend.

I started to develop a crush on him

It is bad to have a crush on a celibate priest.

A crush on a celibate priest can’t lead anywhere good. Don’t indulge any such feelings at all, and stay away from any situation that might fan the flames of them, even if it loses you this friend.

I just want to know what I should do to help me end my feelings for him so we can continue to be friends like normal.

In my personal experience distance is the best answer.

Have you ever had a crush before? How did your crushes go away in the past? Once the crushes did go away, were you able to have completely platonic, emotionally stable friendships with the men you’ve previously had crushes on? Maybe look to your previous experiences in this area for some sort of guide to how this situation might turn out.

But I’d agree with @Irishmom2 that the fact that you’re here asking this question says something.

It’s not uncommon for women to develop crushes on priests (or on therapists, doctors, anyone there’s that close relationship of trust with). But it’s not appropriate (as you seem to realize) to ever act on those feelings – and especially if you think he may be at risk of reciprocating them (the way you phrased, though perhaps in a wishful thinking way, that you “did catch him looking at [you] in a peculiar way several times”), you need to walk away. And definitely no more private drinks in the rectory (??) if you think your own feelings, or his, might be at risk of going to the wrong place here.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Everything here just screams danger signals.

You need to put strict curbs on your interaction with this priest. You are not a bad person, and he is not a bad person. You’re 25 and single, he’s 27 and is pledged to celibacy. It’s perfectly natural that the two of you would be attracted to one another, and this is all the more reason that you need to put distance between the two of you.

There is an old adage called “resist beginnings”. These things can sneak up slowly.

 

[Vico]

Why? He often invites me into the Rectory for drinks and to chat, it’s always been civil, and only recently have I started to develop a crush on him. Is it that bad to have a friend?

Temptation.

(Note: The chemicals that are released with a crush are norepinephrine, dopamine, and endogenous opioids.)

 

[TheLittleLady]

You say “No, Thank You” when he invites you over for drinks. Just as you would do with any married man. You can be friendly in groups.

 

[CatholicLiving]

Okay, I will avoid spending time with him alone in the Rectory in the future, but I don’t think stopping the prayer sessions will be good for my spiritual life.

 

[DeniseNY]

I think it’s not only a matter of temptation. Whether it’s right or wrong, appearances matter. I would be very careful of spending a lot of private time with him. It could give rise to scandal; even if there’s none to be had.

 

[twf]

Is he the pastor? If not, I find it very odd that the pastor hasn’t put a stop to this young priest entertaining a young lady one on one for drinks at the rectory… very odd.

 

[OddBird]

I firmly believe a chaste friendship with someone of the opposite sex is possible, but it takes at least two things: a certain level of emotional maturity, and the absence of crushes/ambiguous feelings.

It also requires to be willing to do what it takes to protect that chaste friendship, principally in deciding what boundaries should not be crossed.

A crush is a major red flag. It’s not going to end well. If you’re not able to relate to him as you would to your brother, it would be wiser to let that relationship go, for both your sakes.

 

[Mr_Freeze]

Context that is missing…
If I met both of you (not knowing) would I think what a cute couple i/e are either of you “out of your league” so to speak?

 

[White_Tree]

What should I do?

Priests leaving the clerical state due to the desire to marry is more common than people think. A woman I knew several years ago was married to a former priest.

If this develops into something that you both feel is worth uprooting his life for, he can petition the diocese for voluntary laicization. That’s a very serious step, though. It’s a very difficult transition back to lay life. Especially considering how young he is, he has probably been in seminary for most of his young adult life, and the majority of his skills have trained him for a career he will no longer be allowed to perform. So practically speaking the relationship will be very difficult.

You should also consider whether or not your feelings for him are somehow being driven by his role as a priest, rather than who he is as a person. Especially with clergy, it can be difficult to disentangle the perception of the role from the perception of the man, and people easily conflate the two.

If you end up marrying this guy, he is not going to be a priest anymore, and so you will have to determine whether you would love him even in the absence of that aspect of his identity. Don’t sabotage both your life and his if this isn’t something real.

 

[aroosi]

We have grown really really close and I’m starting to develop a crush for him. I don’t know his feelings for me but I did catch him looking at me in a peculiar way several times.

What should I do?

Nip it in the bud
Nothing good could come from a crush for a priest.

 

[whatistrue]

What should I do?

As a general rule, most people actually do know the right thing to do. It’s just hard to do it if it goes against what we think we desire, even if it is bad for us (in this case both of you) in reality. Find your strength.

 

[DeniseNY]

Is it a sin to leave the priesthood for love? This is what I’m struggling with. Even if I don’t pursue him, that won’t stop him from going after someone else if that is what he wants. Maybe he’s designed to be a husband? He has all of the qualities I look for in a man.

All the qualities… Except he’s a priest.

There’s no in between here. He is not an appropriate dating prospect for you. Please don’t try to rationalize a way that there can be any kind of romantic relationship. You know he’s a priest. You have to let this go.

 

[aroosi]

Not even true love? How do you know my / his path? Is leaving the priesthood always a sin?

How would you define true love? Have you been in a relationship with a man before? What if your ‘true love’ is married? Or unavailable?