Relationship with an Atheist

[AlwaysTruth]

I’ve long been a lurker on these forums, but decided to post here for the first time. Why? Because I’m going out with an Atheist. Already this has generated quite a few questions, which I’ll either search, or ask in other threads, but for now a few observations.

You see, I’d always told myself I’d never go out with a non-Catholic, or at the very least he’d have to be Christian. I thought it would be easy to avoid this situation that I’d heard so much about on these forums, but when you’re in it things become a whole lot more difficult. All these people here at CAF who have relationship issues, and for whatever reason people tell them to break it off, I never quite understood how difficult it would be for them until I was in a similar situation.

I suppose the question I want to ask is, have any of you experienced this? This greater empathy I guess? But also, just as importantly, it seems that whenever someone posts here about interreligious relationships, they never work out. Is there hope? Is there anyone here who has successfully married an Atheist or someone of another religion, where neither has ended up converting?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with him, but I feel I somewhat better understand where people are coming from now (in case you couldn’t tell, this is my first relationship).

 

[chartreusefox]

My grandparents fit this model, actually. My grandmother was deeply devout, and my grandfather was an atheist, and remained an atheist. They raised my mom Catholic, she married an atheist who converted to Catholicism, and here I am.

So, It is possible, but very difficult, I think.

 

[Bill_7154]

I suppose the question I want to ask is, have any of you experienced this? This greater empathy I guess? But also, just as importantly, it seems that whenever someone posts here about interreligious relationships, they never work out. Is there hope? Is there anyone here who has successfully married an Atheist or someone of another religion, where neither has ended up converting?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with him, but I feel I somewhat better understand where people are coming from now (in case you couldn’t tell, this is my first relationship).

I am married to an evangelical Christian. I am Catholic. There is no conflict between us that involves religion in any way. In fact I feel as though I benefit greatly b/c I am married to an evangelical as the entire congregation has prayed for me when I was in the hospital and also when my wife was pregant and had a very difficult pregnancy her Pastor and his wife and his mother all came to our house and prayed with us that the baby would be OK (almost had a miscarriage).

God Bless,
Bill

 

[Aquila_Lucis]

I’ve long been a lurker on these forums, but decided to post here for the first time. Why? Because I’m going out with an Atheist. Already this has generated quite a few questions, which I’ll either search, or ask in other threads, but for now a few observations.

You see, I’d always told myself I’d never go out with a non-Catholic, or at the very least he’d have to be Christian. I thought it would be easy to avoid this situation that I’d heard so much about on these forums, but when you’re in it things become a whole lot more difficult. All these people here at CAF who have relationship issues, and for whatever reason people tell them to break it off, I never quite understood how difficult it would be for them until I was in a similar situation.

I suppose the question I want to ask is, have any of you experienced this? This greater empathy I guess? But also, just as importantly, it seems that whenever someone posts here about interreligious relationships, they never work out. Is there hope? Is there anyone here who has successfully married an Atheist or someone of another religion, where neither has ended up converting?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with him, but I feel I somewhat better understand where people are coming from now (in case you couldn’t tell, this is my first relationship).

My brother, who is one of my best friends, is an athiest, and I am a devout Catholic. Do I love him less? No. Does it frustrate me that, though we had the same upbringing , he has fallen away so far from the Church? Yes. Do I know that, on some level, he feels that I am intellectually weaker than he is, because I believein God? Yes. Is he right about that? No.

Is my brother a bad or immoral person becausehe is an athiest? Not exactly. There are plenty of ethical systems that do not involve God in assessing the morality of a situation and do not run counter to Catholic moral teaching (take, for example Kant and the categorical imperative, which provides for a very strict prohibition against lying to people and to murder). Now, does this mean that Alan and I will always arrive at the same answer to moral questions? No, for example, he is pro choice (though I suspect that tis has more to do with the fact that he’s never bothered to investigate reasons why someone shouldn’t have an abortion, not so much that he’s advocating them as “good”). I, on th other hand, am pro life.

Here’s the difference between my situation and yours: you and your boyfriend, theoretically, can stay together, get married, and have children. Several of these steps canbe hazardous to your relationship. For example, does he expect that you two sleep together before you’re married? If you do end up getting married and things get difficult, does he feel that divorce is an option? Does he expect you to use birth control? If you become pregnant before you’re “ready” for children, does he expect you to have an abortion? If you do have children, what does he expect that you teach them about God?

A faithful Catholic can only arrive at one answer to those questions. Bear in mind, too, that this serious questions only address the sex life facet of your relationship. Relationships are much more complicated than just that, and your faith may come into conflict with his atheism in any number of situations, including such ordinary one like what movie to watch or whether to say grace at meals.

Ask yourself, to begin with, do you want to go the distance wth this guy? If so, you need to have a clear understanding of how the Church’s teachings impact you, him, and your relationship. Essentially, he has to be willing to support you in living a Catholic life, and then actually do so. If he isn’t willing to do that, or if he feels like you don’t support his atheist worldview, remember that it isn’t for no reason that he needs to support you: it’s God who still comes first.

In the long run, yes, it can work. But it also takes a lot of work, from both of you. And maybe, too, sittingdown with him and talking about your concerns may switch on a lightbulb for him and he’ll find his way to God.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’ve long been a lurker on these forums, but decided to post here for the first time. Why? Because I’m going out with an Atheist. Already this has generated quite a few questions, which I’ll either search, or ask in other threads, but for now a few observations.

You see, I’d always told myself I’d never go out with a non-Catholic, or at the very least he’d have to be Christian. I thought it would be easy to avoid this situation that I’d heard so much about on these forums, but when you’re in it things become a whole lot more difficult. All these people here at CAF who have relationship issues, and for whatever reason people tell them to break it off, I never quite understood how difficult it would be for them until I was in a similar situation.

I suppose the question I want to ask is, have any of you experienced this? This greater empathy I guess? But also, just as importantly, it seems that whenever someone posts here about interreligious relationships, they never work out. Is there hope? Is there anyone here who has successfully married an Atheist or someone of another religion, where neither has ended up converting?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with him, but I feel I somewhat better understand where people are coming from now (in case you couldn’t tell, this is my first relationship).

Well, when my husband and I first met, we were both lapsed Catholics and I didn’t even consider myself a Catholic. He is not and has not been spiritual since I have known him. We were well matched until I got pregnant and gave birth to our son. The whole experience of helping God to create another human being led me back to my Catholic roots. To say my husband was shocked is putting it mildly. He did cooperate, and has come to Mass with us, let the boys have the sacraments, etc. Some of it was probably to please his dear grandmother, who has now passed on.

There have definitely been times when I thought our marriage was not going to make it. I have found it very lonely to be Catholic with an atheist spouse (I asked him if he even believes in God and he couldn’t answer me. Maybe that’s agnostic, I don’t know). He hasn’t directly interfered with my raising our sons Catholic but neither has he added anything to their faith. And when our younger son was going through his rebellion, I heard quite a bit from my husband about how he resents me because HIS own beliefs have had to take a back seat to mine. He has different views on abortion and contraception, for example, and we fought about our son being given condoms by a family member.

If I were you, I’d ask myself why I chose an atheist to go out with, for my first relationship. Why him? Why not another Catholic? What “greater empathy” are you talking about? Do you think that you are special because you can “tolerate” an atheist?

You may say, “Well, we aren’t going to get married or have children, so why worry?” But every journey starts with a single step, and every relationship starts with an attraction. I think it would be better to remain friends with this person than to continue to get further and further involved when things would get very complicated and difficult down the road.

But you probably won’t listen to some random old lady on the internet…

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Entering into a romantic relationship with an atheist is putting yourself in great danger, which is why St. Paul advises us to not be “unequally yoked” with unbelievers.

Take this one very slow, especially as it is your first relationship. Good luck!

 

[AlwaysTruth]

Here’s the difference between my situation and yours: you and your boyfriend, theoretically, can stay together, get married, and have children. Several of these steps canbe hazardous to your relationship. For example, does he expect that you two sleep together before you’re married? If you do end up getting married and things get difficult, does he feel that divorce is an option? Does he expect you to use birth control? If you become pregnant before you’re “ready” for children, does he expect you to have an abortion? If you do have children, what does he expect that you teach them about God?

I have already discussed these things with him, as I wanted to get them out in the open with him as soon as possible. He had already thought sex before marriage was a bad idea, and that divorce was at the very least not something to be entered into lightly. Birth control and abortion are things that he’s never really thought about before, and thus until now would probably have said he was ok with them, had he been asked. Since I brought them up, though, he has at least been thinking about them.

I do try to put God first, and to make him understand that. The first time we went out in fact, he offered to avoid trying to “turn” me, to which I replied that I don’t mind discussing doctrine and ethics with him as long as there are no personal attacks or denigration (on either side)

In the long run, yes, it can work. But it also takes a lot of work, from both of you. And maybe, too, sittingdown with him and talking about your concerns may switch on a lightbulb for him and he’ll find his way to God.

Yes, hopefully, but I won’t count on it, as basing a relationship on the future possibility of converstion does not seem healthy

 

[AlwaysTruth]

If I were you, I’d ask myself why I chose an atheist to go out with, for my first relationship. Why him? Why not another Catholic? What “greater empathy” are you talking about? Do you think that you are special because you can “tolerate” an atheist?

You may say, “Well, we aren’t going to get married or have children, so why worry?” But every journey starts with a single step, and every relationship starts with an attraction. I think it would be better to remain friends with this person than to continue to get further and further involved when things would get very complicated and difficult down the road.

But you probably won’t listen to some random old lady on the internet…

I did not specifically choose him because he was an atheist, and all other things being equal I would have hoped for a Catholic. We were doing the same course at uni, became friends, then started going out. In that middle section, between friends and going out, part of me thought I should stop at friendship, as I knew of his religion, but the other part of me liked him enough not to listen, if that makes any sense. And that is what I meant by the empathy: I always thought to myself “Why would a good Catholic, who wants to go out with a Catholic, end up with an Atheist?”, and yet somehow I too find myself in that situation. I do not think I am special in “tolerating” an Atheist at all, but I wasn’t very clear in my original post; I found it surprisingly difficult to articulate my thoughts

I am grateful for your advice (I did come here to listen to old ladies on the internet after all), and the replies from everyone.

 

[bzkoss236]

Yes, hopefully, but I won’t count on it, as basing a relationship on the future possibility of converstion does not seem healthy

Yeah, never go into an interfaith relationship expecting the other to convert, because they might be doing just the same.

The issue I have with such drastically different faiths is that, if you aim for marriage, you really won’t be able to share your life 100% with that person. Faith and religion are a big part of your life, and you need to be able to share that with your spouse. And by share I don’t mean just being able to talk about it and them being “okay” with it, but I mean living out your faith, going to church together, reading the bible together, praying together, and the like. If you marry someone of another faith, there will always be that one area that is lacking that really should be at the forefront of your relationship.

 

[Kelfa28]

I think about my husband’s parents and their situation. My husband’s parents were both lapsed, cradle Catholics. During the early parts of their marriage, my husband’s mother discovered evangelical protestantism and joined a non-denominational church. She became very devote in her faith and my husband’s father just didn’t get it. He tried to support her and go to church with her and supported my husband going to the private school that was attached to the church. But after a few years it became tougher and tougher and he became far more difficult to live with. His temper flared, his drinking went from casual to uncontrollable and she compensated by diving further and further into her faith. To the point where she could have been classified as a fanatic. It was unsustainable and their divorce was a huge mess.

I was a lapsed Catholic when I met my husband, who could have been classified as a Protestant who made up his own rules in life as he went. He was very knowledgable about his faith but wasn’t sincere about it and was having a hard time finding his way home. We grew into Catholicism during the course of our relationship and were both home before we got married.
Looking back, if I was the same devote Catholic I am today and still single, there is no way I would consider dating anyone who didn’t believe in God. He is too big apart of my life and, I feel I’d be ignoring everything about myself if I did. Marriage is a big deal and it’s a challenge sometimes. My husband and I have had difficult arguments at times that were eye-openers to what marriage can be like. I couldn’t imagine having a deep resentment for my husband because he didn’t believe in God. Two things seem to happen in inter-faith marriages. One or the other. Either someone converts or the marriage becomes a real struggle that can result in divorce. Yes, there are people out there can make it work but I haven’t met anyone except a few people on this forum.

We are called to love our spouses as God loves us. There is deep truth in that statement. We understand what love means for us and our ultimate goal is to help each other get to heaven. How could an atheist love me as God loves me if he doesn’t even believe that God exists? I need to grow in my faith every year and not stay stagnant…how can an atheist truly encourage me to grow in my faith if he doesn’t understand my faith and isn’t on this journey with me?

These are all my own opinions.

I am grateful for your advice (I did come here to listen to old ladies on the internet after all), and the replies from everyone.

Sorry but try replacing the word “old” with “older” or don’t use it at all. We aren’t old ladies. We’re just older then you.

 

[AlwaysTruth]

Sorry but try replacing the word “old” with “older” or don’t use it at all. We aren’t old ladies. We’re just older then you.

Sorry, that was my poor attempt at humour, at TheRealJulianne calling herself that. If I knew how to use these emoticons…

 

[Laurent_LUG]

Personal thought:
i think we should all respect eachother

So , when i met a catholic girl , and we’re (getting) in love ,
and i’m a non-believer ; is it wrong that i stay myself , and she stays herself ??

Salute & Cheers from a NON BELIEVER:
– Laurent LUG (.@…), december 1, 2012

 

[Viki63]

Personal thought:
i think we should all respect eachother

So , when i met a catholic girl , and we’re (getting) in love ,
and i’m a non-believer ; is it wrong that i stay myself , and she stays herself ??

Salute & Cheers from a NON BELIEVER:
– Laurent LUG (.@…), december 1, 2012

It is important that you stay yourselves. But hopefully that will mean being on a journey of discovery, and for honest people, that will often lead them to God.
But it is so much easier to begin a marriage with someone who believes the same as you. After all, a Catholic’s faith should be the most important thing in his/her life, what you think about when you wake and before you sleep, before you eat, when you make decisions, what you do with your free time, how you respond to events including tragedies. If you’re not on the same page with your spouse regarding these things, life becomes much harder.If the job of our spouse is to help us get to heaven, it helps at least to have one who believes in heaven.
And I can’t help thinking that atheists are people who have just not thought the evidence through.

 

[1ke]

I did not specifically choose him because he was an atheist, and all other things being equal I would have hoped for a Catholic. We were doing the same course at uni, became friends, then started going out. In that middle section, between friends and going out, part of me thought I should stop at friendship, as I knew of his religion, but the other part of me liked him enough not to listen, if that makes any sense. And that is what I meant by the empathy: I always thought to myself “Why would a good Catholic, who wants to go out with a Catholic, end up with an Atheist?”, and yet somehow I too find myself in that situation. I do not think I am special in “tolerating” an Atheist at all, but I wasn’t very clear in my original post; I found it surprisingly difficult to articulate my thoughts

I am grateful for your advice (I did come here to listen to old ladies on the internet after all), and the replies from everyone.

You know what? You just decide that you are not going out with those who are incompatible spiritually. Does that mean fewer dates and possibly longer to find “Mr Right”? Maybe.

I mean, I always thought it was crazy that many people will eliminate a person as unsuitable who is-- for example-- a smoker by an act of their will, but if that person is an atheist and therefore unsuitable it is now “I just couldn’t help it”.

Bah humbug. Yes, you can help it.

It is extremely unwise to date somone who is does not practice the faith as you do. If you make the decision to go down that road, do not rely on anecdotal stories of others for whom it “worked”. It works at great sacrifice and compromise on the part of one or the other.

 

[Lucky7]

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with him, but I feel I somewhat better understand where people are coming from now (in case you couldn’t tell, this is my first relationship).

I’ll be honest. The fact that this is your first relationship concerns me. I think I would still argue against continuing a relationship with an atheist if you are a committed Catholic even if it wasn’t your first, but the fact that you do not have much experience with this in general make me more concerned. I would take a huge step back and start dating others.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I did not specifically choose him because he was an atheist, and all other things being equal I would have hoped for a Catholic. We were doing the same course at uni, became friends, then started going out. In that middle section, between friends and going out, part of me thought I should stop at friendship, as I knew of his religion, but the other part of me liked him enough not to listen, if that makes any sense. And that is what I meant by the empathy: I always thought to myself “Why would a good Catholic, who wants to go out with a Catholic, end up with an Atheist?”, and yet somehow I too find myself in that situation. I do not think I am special in “tolerating” an Atheist at all, but I wasn’t very clear in my original post; I found it surprisingly difficult to articulate my thoughts

I am grateful for your advice (I did come here to listen to old ladies on the internet after all), and the replies from everyone.

See, that’s why you have to be discriminating when it comes to boundaries in relationships. Because if you aren’t, things progress without much thought and then you find yourself “in love” with someone who is going to be a stumbling block in your faith life. Do you fully understand that when a believer is yoked with an unbeliever, many times the believer loses his/her faith? I know I could be a MUCH more vibrant Catholic if my husband and I were not unequally yoked. We’ve never done any ministries at church together. We’ve never prayed together (well, once when the marriage counselor asked me what my husband could do for me, but it was so awkward and uncomfortable we never did it again). Never said a rosary with our sons. Heck, I can’t even share my joy in our sacraments or any of my inner spiritual life with him! He should be the person I can share EVERYTHING with, right? Not the largest part of myself! Imagine that - you SO want to share your prayer life with your boyfriend/future husband but you know he cannot listen without criticizing the Church or inferring in some way that you are weak for needing such a crutch.

It is funny that you wrote “his religion” when he’s an atheist. Sometimes atheists can be very devout followers of their “religion.”

I’m not going to lie to you. Sometimes atheists do convert through the contact with a very centered and joyful Christian Catholic. But it’s much more likely that the Catholic will tone down or lose his/her faith by the steady downplaying of faith that comes along with constant contact with an atheist.

The purpose of a spouse is to help you get to heaven. Mine can’t help me - please don’t join me in this.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Sorry, that was my poor attempt at humour, at TheRealJulianne calling herself that. If I knew how to use these emoticons…

I got it, and I used the term “old lady” as a humorous touch at the end of my very serious post. I’m 55 and sometimes that feels quite old! My sons are 21 and 19 so probably pretty close to your age. It was more a reference to being advised by anonymous people on the internet, whose advice you can cancel out by telling yourself, “That’s just some old fart on the internet, not relevant to my life!”

To use a smiley, just click on it and it will appear in your post.

 

[Demetra2]

Unless your boyfriend shows even a spark of interest in learning about God and the Catholic faith I would advise you to rethink your attraction to him. I know you have invested time in the relationship but YOU and your future children deserve better. Marriage is too important to take this issue lightly so I hope that you spend some time in prayer. Don’t fool yourself, if you marry this man there will be many challenges and keep in mind that children often wind up with the same amount of faith as their FATHER. Yes, quite often the father is the role model for faith especially with boys. If your boyfriend is showing serious interest in God then you may have a chance. Have you spoken to your priest yet?

 

[Cristiano]

These threads about Catholics getting into relationship with people of other faiths or atheists make me think of the Powerball lottery. If you ask “Do I have any chances to win the lottery, has anyone won the lottery?” The answer is going to be immediately yes. If you ask “Is it wrong for me to spend a couple of dollars buy Powerball tickets to win 500 million dollars?” The answer is immediately no, there is nothing wrong with that. However; just because the first two answers look reassuring that does not mean that a person should consider selling the house, emptying the bank account and taking out a loan just to but lottery tickets with the hope of winning the jackpot.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

These threads about Catholics getting into relationship with people of other faiths or atheists make me think of the Powerball lottery. If you ask “Do I have any chances to win the lottery, has anyone won the lottery?” The answer is going to be immediately yes. If you ask “Is it wrong for me to spend a couple of dollars buy Powerball tickets to win 500 million dollars?” The answer is immediately no, there is nothing wrong with that. However; just because the first two answers look reassuring that does not mean that a person should consider selling the house, emptying the bank account and taking out a loan just to but lottery tickets with the hope of winning the jackpot.

GREAT analogy!