Relationship with non-practicing girl

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ItalianCavalier

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Hello guys, I would like some advice and I really don’t know anyone I can talk about this with.
I am 26, always been Catholic and I am very introvert and shy especially with girls. My faith isn’t exactly rock solid, I can’t keep up with daily prayers and I have had problems with pornography.

A few months ago I have started a relationship with a girl I met online. She is from a Catholic family, but she is not practicing. We both think marriage should be the goal of a relationship, but she doesn’t really think pre-marital sex should be avoided. Long story short, with the help of my weakness towards this kind of temptations, we ended up exchanging really spicy and explicit messages. She is ok with this, while I think it’s not (even if I don’t do enough to stop it). I talked about this with a priest who suggested to end this relationship, as he thinks she wouldn’t make a good wife as she seems not to be interested in chastity… I don’t think I’m a better person than she is and maybe I’m a little too insecure on this, but all this story also makes me a little worried that if we were together she might cheat on me…

I think the priest is kinda right, but I’m afraid I’ll never find anyone if I let her go… What should I do?
Thank you all for your advice…
 
He;s not kind of right.
He’s EXACTLY right.
MOVE ON.
You will find someone else. Pray for a lovely young woman.
Rad the story of Isaac & Rebecca.
 
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I’m not condemning the girl as she’s young and may well mature into a good wife someday (I wasn’t exactly Goody Two Shoes when I was younger), but right now this relationship is making you uncomfortable and leading you places you don’t really want to go, so I don’t think this is the girl for you. Be honest and tell her you’re not comfortable with her approach to sexuality, then move on. You will find somebody else more suited for you, and it might make her think about her own behavior.

There are plenty of people out there and you should never pick somebody you don’t really feel comfortable with out of fear that you won’t find anyone else. That’s not fair to you or to them.
 
Lots of my friends have met their significant other and even spouse online so that’s totally cool. The question you need to ask is do you love this girl or are you falling in love with her? Always be honest with her on your boundaries and thoughts and respect hers as well.
 
Thank you Clare, I don’t remember the story, I’ll look it up
 
Thank you for your answer, the problem is that I am shy and I don’t get to know many girls… especially Catholic ones are hard to find…
 
Thank you Brittany,
I have told her that I think premarital sex should be avoided, she doesn’t think those kind of messages are bad as well.
And I also would prefer to meet someone in person, but I’m very introvert … It’s really hard for me to approach a girl and I think many wouldn’t be better than the one I have now…
And sometimes I think, even if I met a very good Catholic girl, why would she like me? I’m obviously not very good myself…
 
You met this one, you can meet another one. Are there any young adult groups in your parish? Maybe the priest can suggest one? You might also try Catholic Match or other Catholic online groups. I know people who have met their spouses online and are happily married.
 
It doesn’t matter how you meet, what matters is how you feel about each other. And if we’re being honest here, should a situation arise where you are in a hot and heavy situation, be prepared and safe.
 
If she is making you that uncomfortable in your faith, that you asked for a priests (name removed by moderator)ut, and now are seeking (name removed by moderator)ut here, it might be a clue as to if you should persue the relationship.

If she respects you and your faith and can abide by the religious limitations that are placed on relationships is open to marriage and then at some point you have to know her stance on having children an letting you raise them in the catholic faith… then you should have some relief in pursuing the relationship and then when it comes time to tie the knot you get some kind of permission from your diocese to marry someone outside of the faith and bingo bango go live life.

An as for keeping up with daily prayer, there is no guideline that says one must pray exactly all these prayers in order at such n such a time. If you manage to pray for someone during the day, or say one Hail Mary or one Our Father, congrats you just said a daily prayer. An with pornography, a lot of people struggle with it. Doesn’t make the matter any less, it just means don’t look at yourself as the only person in the world with the problem. It is like getting a cold, everyone at some point in time gets a cold an it knocks us out of commission for so long till ya take some medicine. you can do a little bit to prevent a cold and may even go on a long streak of not getting a cold, but when you do, you treat the cold and get better and go on with life.
 
If I can find someone, so can you.

The big issue I have is that you two have fairly fundamental view differences. She’s okay with a lot of sexual stuff and you aren’t. She would be a bad influence on you.

Also, this idea that you think she’ll cheat on you------that’s not coming from out of nowhere, I’m sure.

It’s not about who the better person is. We are all created equal in that manner and it’s our choices that separate us and only God can ultimately do that.
 
I"m in my early twenties as well. Yet I, personally, would end the relationship. Differences in a relationship is all well and good but her views on sexuality, as other posters have pointed out, is a radical difference. One that is really, really hard to overcome. You said that you have been struggling with stuff. Man, we all are but at least you seem to be fighting and striving against it. The problem with this relationship is that she won’t be helping the battle. That is what a potential spouse is supposed to do. I think she will be more of a hindrance. Besides, if she doesn’t think marriage is holy while you aren’t hitched, she won’t think it is while you are hitched. Keep up the good fight though!
 
First of all, I would strongly advise to not base decisions on whatever people write on some online boards.
This applies to my post as well 😉
Second, contrary to the majority of people here, I would not advise to immediately move on.
Why not tell her that you feel uncomfortable about those messages, that you consider them very inappropriate for people in this stage of a relationship. Be sure to be very very clear about it and stress the importance for both of you.
Think in advance carefully about how to say it/ write it. Then see how that plays out.
If she decides to continue with those messages, you can still move on, having at least raised awareness with her.
After all, she is from a Catholic family which is worth something and more than many of us have.
 
ItalianCavalier, yes it is really hard, when you are shy and introverted, but if you found one girlfriend (though you haven’t met her) then you may find another.
Please, never ‘settle’ for someone you know in your heart isn’t good for your salvation and about whom you have serious doubts. She doesn’t love you or she would care about your spiritual well-being…

Just “settling” for someone because you’re afraid you won’t find someone else, can lead to a lot of unhappiness.
Don’t imagine that relationships or marriage automatically leads to happiness and love…marriage can be the loneliness place in the world.
 
ItalianCavalier said:
We both think marriage should be the goal of a relationship, but she doesn’t really think pre-marital sex should be avoided
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Even to plan such an encounter is grave matter – so will you now act to avoid the near occasions of sin?
 
Time to move on I’d say. If she is so liberal about having sex then why do you think she’d be faithful in a marriage. There’s a difference between falling and resolving to not sin in that area again and just having a casual attitude about sex.

I wouldn’t worry about finding someone else. You’re only 26. It’ll happen.
 
Constantin said:
First of all, I would strongly advise to not base decisions on whatever people write on some online boards.

This applies to my post as well 😉

Second, contrary to the majority of people here, I would not advise to immediately move on.
Click to expand...
Firstly…just because it’s online doesn’t mean we care less about this guy’s eternal soul.

Second…Her behaviour right now does not seem promising for a chaste relationship. I would strongly advise the OP to simply move on before he gets too emotionally invested. If you have sex with someone early on in a relationship it becomes much more difficult to judge the relationship clearly.
 
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By no means I was suggesting to have sex early on in this (or any) relationship.
But the fact that inappropriate messages are written does not prove that she could not potentially be or become a wonderful and faithful wife. I agree that it does not exactly make it more likely, but there is so much more to marriage than chastity.
What good will it do if you find a perfectly chaste, practicing Catholic woman and it turns out after marriage that you are totally incompatible in terms of character?
Maybe she thinks of this as a funny way to display her interest - who knows?
I am not claiming that moving on could not potentially be the best option, but the benefit of doubt should apply here, as always.
 
Been there done that. I had loads of fun during my 20’s and 30’s. It doesn’t really matter if a person is Catholic or non practicing Catholic. What matters is how devoted both you are to the faith, and how important faith is to your life and goals. You have that choice.

A good devoted Catholic woman is the most selfless person you’d want as the foundation for starting a family. There is more pressure on her by society and culture to compromise her beliefs and values than any other particular group. That’s why she is a rare find these days. How valuable though is anything that’s rare, and how awesome would that be that, that treasure because of God will belong and be devoted to you for life? Again, you have that choice.

Enjoy your youth, but never settle for anything just because you believe you have certain weaknesses. My weakness at your age was not having the wisdom to see the big picture and not resist what the world tells you is best for you. When it’s all said and done, you’ll reap what you sow.
 
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