- If she’s not living chastely now then she’s not marriage material now. She may be someday though.
- Compatibility is a load of nonsense. No two people in a relationship are ever fully compatible. Normally you don’t know a person’s bad/annoying habits until after marriage. You have to work and build virtue to make yourself compatible.
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TheLittleLady
Guest
If things are out of hand when she has never met you, she has some maturing to do.
I’d suggest you pray for her and seek a young lady who shares your beliefs.
I’d suggest you pray for her and seek a young lady who shares your beliefs.
C
Constantin
Guest
- True. Nobody said he should marry her right away. Just state what you believe is important for both of you (i.e. no inappropriate messaging, no sex before marriage) and see how it goes
- I do not think so. Compatibility of course comes in degrees, and it is not only about the other person. You marry also their family and friends. It is not true that you can learn about another person´s bad/annoying habits only after marriage.
Just watch closely how they behave whenever they are outside their comfort zone for some reason (for example being overworked, tired or sick). If you take the time to get to know a person more closely, sooner or later this will be the case
and will tell you a lot more than a lot of dating where everything is just fun.
Also watch out how she/he treats her/his parents.
This is one of the few advantages of “shacking up”, it could tell you about bad habits of the significant other prior to marriage. Of course, there are severe drawbacks, too.
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True. But the fact is that the only way to know some stuff is to actually get married and live with the person. As for shacking up…well the big downside to that is putting your eternal soul in danger.
Also statistically marriages that begin with shacking up are more likely to fail so I think the problems outweigh the benefits on this one
Compatibility from a Catholic perspective is rubbish. No matter if you get along fine most of the time…there will always be stuff about a person that is not “compatible”. IMO, compatibility is the biggest excuse to shack up and to put off a proper committment for years.
It’s also an excuse to leave a relationship for no good reason citing “we’re not compatible.”
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egretps
Guest
Don’t look at your shyness as a bad thing.
Oh, sometimes you may have to stretch a bit and move out of your comfort zone. But so too do those loud and outgoing types sometimes need to reign themselves in. We all need to grow and make the most of our talents and temperaments.
I’m not looking down on this girl and her lack of shame. We’re living in really dark and lost times. This seems to be more common than not. I don’t think this behavior of her’s means she’s more likely to cheat in the future if she repents and has a conversion of heart. (But, her behavior now doesn’t look so good.) Sin is often wrapped up in ‘fun’ and promises pleasure. Also, it seems plenty of young women use that as a shortcut to a ‘relationship’ and affection. Idk what her motives are, but they don’t go along with the life you hope for and want for your future today.
Pray for this girl, as you let her go and then after if she comes to mind. One day she may return but hopefully then she’ll be more spiritually mature.
Have a mass said for her at your parish or through an online group like the Seraphic Mass Association.
Oh, sometimes you may have to stretch a bit and move out of your comfort zone. But so too do those loud and outgoing types sometimes need to reign themselves in. We all need to grow and make the most of our talents and temperaments.
I’m not looking down on this girl and her lack of shame. We’re living in really dark and lost times. This seems to be more common than not. I don’t think this behavior of her’s means she’s more likely to cheat in the future if she repents and has a conversion of heart. (But, her behavior now doesn’t look so good.) Sin is often wrapped up in ‘fun’ and promises pleasure. Also, it seems plenty of young women use that as a shortcut to a ‘relationship’ and affection. Idk what her motives are, but they don’t go along with the life you hope for and want for your future today.
Pray for this girl, as you let her go and then after if she comes to mind. One day she may return but hopefully then she’ll be more spiritually mature.
Have a mass said for her at your parish or through an online group like the Seraphic Mass Association.
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LittleWay16
Guest
It’s not about you being better than her. It’s about making tough choices in order to avoid temptation and make sure your future spouse supports your efforts to be chaste.
We are all imperfect. But we should all be striving to improve, and it sounds like she isn’t.
We are all imperfect. But we should all be striving to improve, and it sounds like she isn’t.
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PennyinCanada
Guest
Hi! I’m glad you’re here and asking questions.
When you tell yourself I’m this, I’m that, what if I don’t find someone else, very much reminds me of Peter when he stepped out of the boat at Jesus’ command to come to him. Peter walked on water! Then he looked at the waves and the wind and started sinking. He cried to Jesus to help him, and Jesus lifted him up. Why did you doubt?
This is the time in your life when you show God that you are serious about your life and about choosing a life partner. Honor God in your singleness, in your dating, in your marriage. Tell him your fears, your worries. Then make an act of faith. You say today, tomorrow, and the next day, I want to honor you Lord with my life. I want to walk in your grace! I want to walk in the plan you have for me! I want to draw down graces into my life and into the lives of others! Ask him to bring a lovely lady into your life that will walk with you hand in hand in a faith life. A woman that honors God in how she lives. This woman is the pearl of great price. Do not fall for a counterfeit.
Many trials will come over the decades. Illness, job loss, struggles. Having a woman of faith at your side, one who prays, one who calls on the Blessed Mother and the saints, this is the partner you should be hungry for, the partner your heart is aching for. This is a woman who will train your children in the faith. This is the woman who will influence your grandchildren. Be strong. God wants good, holy marriages. You aren’t in this alone.
When you tell yourself I’m this, I’m that, what if I don’t find someone else, very much reminds me of Peter when he stepped out of the boat at Jesus’ command to come to him. Peter walked on water! Then he looked at the waves and the wind and started sinking. He cried to Jesus to help him, and Jesus lifted him up. Why did you doubt?
This is the time in your life when you show God that you are serious about your life and about choosing a life partner. Honor God in your singleness, in your dating, in your marriage. Tell him your fears, your worries. Then make an act of faith. You say today, tomorrow, and the next day, I want to honor you Lord with my life. I want to walk in your grace! I want to walk in the plan you have for me! I want to draw down graces into my life and into the lives of others! Ask him to bring a lovely lady into your life that will walk with you hand in hand in a faith life. A woman that honors God in how she lives. This woman is the pearl of great price. Do not fall for a counterfeit.
Many trials will come over the decades. Illness, job loss, struggles. Having a woman of faith at your side, one who prays, one who calls on the Blessed Mother and the saints, this is the partner you should be hungry for, the partner your heart is aching for. This is a woman who will train your children in the faith. This is the woman who will influence your grandchildren. Be strong. God wants good, holy marriages. You aren’t in this alone.
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Duc-in-altum
Guest
Hey young man. I’m a late 40s life long Catholic, and I have a different take on this. You see, I experienced the exact same situation. I know it’s so difficult for a healthy young man to live a chaste life these days. When I met my wife 26 years ago, she was a fallen away Catholic leading a pretty openly sexual life, but I saw something in her. Yes, this young woman can lead you into sin, but you can save her soul. Are you up to that? If so, start asking her to go to Mass with you. Explain that you should not receive the Eucharist unless you are in a state of Grace. If she is willing, you are on the right track. Maybe the next step is to invite her to a daily Mass with you. Help her grow in holiness. When she is ready, get her to confession. It won’t take long before you will know if she is willing to become more faithful and chaste. I strongly believe this is what Christ would ask of you. I have been married over 24 years, and my beautiful wife is now far more holy than me. I often look back and marvel at God’s plan. Do the work of God and gently help God back into this young woman’s life. I will be praying for you!
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Cruciferi
Guest
Don’t settle. That’s a really really bad idea. Believe me, I’ve seen it. Not a good outcome.
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PJM
Guest
Here’s the DEAL
Who’s in charge of your life? God or you? And their is NO sharing of this soul saving /endangering responsibility.
1st With God’s help STOP the PORN which is ALL about self gratification & therefore sinful ]
God Bless you
Patrick
Who’s in charge of your life? God or you? And their is NO sharing of this soul saving /endangering responsibility.
1st With God’s help STOP the PORN which is ALL about self gratification & therefore sinful ]
- LEARN our Beautiful Catholic Faith. The K of C offer a free program
[mod. a soul is at risk RISK HERE; please do NOT delete this] - Get back to DAILY prayer MAKE THE TIME
- Get back to at least Sunday Mass and regular Sacramental Confession
- My grandpa used to say [i’m now a great-grandpa: WHEN a myself]
WHEN YOU LOOK FOR TROUBLE YOU USUALLY FIND IT
God Bless you
Patrick
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ItalianCavalier
Guest
Thank you guys so so much for sharing your stories and your suggestions, I was not expecting this much support! You don’t know how much I appreciate it and I will remember to pray for all of you 
you really made me feel I am not alone in this…
I would love to reply directly to all of you, but it’s only Wednesday and already the 3rd day this week that I spend more than 10 hours in the office and I’m quite tired
so I will tell you how it went today and, if you are so kind, ask for more advice
After reading your messages yesterday, I got convinced to talk straight with her and tell her even more clearly what lines I don’t want to cross and to end the relationship if she didn’t want to listen. So i told her again that i don’t want any sex before marriage and that i won’t continue with those kind of messages (help me God on this one…) as I don’t wanna be led to impure thoughts. At first she was shocked, she didn’t understand how it is possible to control one’s own thoughts. I tried to explain that these kind of temptations can be fought with daily prayers, and frequently attending the Mass and the confession.
At this point she told me that my views might be too extreme and that I sounded like a Muslim … a little while later though she asked if I was at least ok with kisses and I said yes. She seemed happy with it and said she was willing to compromise for me and wait for sex until marriage. Since we were there, I also brought up a couple other ‘dangerous’ subjects that I care about: contraception and openness to life within marriage… She said she is in favor of contraception and she wants only one child… I explained my views are different and, very briefly, why.
We agreed this isn’t a very urgent issue as we can’t get married in the near future and she suggested we at least meet once in real before starting to think about the future… (we live far, we are both quite busy, it’s not easy to meet)
So we ended up joking a little about our differences and she was fun as usual…
To sum up, this morning I had the idea of ending it, but now I think she deserves a little more time…
What do you guys think?
@(name removed by moderator) @SuperLuigi @Brittany @Trishie @AdamPeter @egretps @LittleWay16
I agree when most of you say that it would be better if I could find a good Catholic girl. I hope she is serious when she says she can wait and all…
And I agree a lot with you, @Entwhistler , I couldn’t marry a girl who doesn’t believe in the holyness of marriage and I know the longer I wait the harder it will be to break up, but isn’t a bit too early to give up?
@PennyinCanada you described the perfect woman !
@Duc-in-altum thanks for sharing your experience, I would love to take her to Mass with me and all of that but we live so far…
Again many thanks to all of you , and God bless you all!!
you really made me feel I am not alone in this…I would love to reply directly to all of you, but it’s only Wednesday and already the 3rd day this week that I spend more than 10 hours in the office and I’m quite tired
so I will tell you how it went today and, if you are so kind, ask for more adviceAfter reading your messages yesterday, I got convinced to talk straight with her and tell her even more clearly what lines I don’t want to cross and to end the relationship if she didn’t want to listen. So i told her again that i don’t want any sex before marriage and that i won’t continue with those kind of messages (help me God on this one…) as I don’t wanna be led to impure thoughts. At first she was shocked, she didn’t understand how it is possible to control one’s own thoughts. I tried to explain that these kind of temptations can be fought with daily prayers, and frequently attending the Mass and the confession.
At this point she told me that my views might be too extreme and that I sounded like a Muslim
… a little while later though she asked if I was at least ok with kisses and I said yes. She seemed happy with it and said she was willing to compromise for me and wait for sex until marriage. Since we were there, I also brought up a couple other ‘dangerous’ subjects that I care about: contraception and openness to life within marriage… She said she is in favor of contraception and she wants only one child… I explained my views are different and, very briefly, why.We agreed this isn’t a very urgent issue as we can’t get married in the near future and she suggested we at least meet once in real before starting to think about the future… (we live far, we are both quite busy, it’s not easy to meet)
So we ended up joking a little about our differences and she was fun as usual…
To sum up, this morning I had the idea of ending it, but now I think she deserves a little more time…
What do you guys think?
@(name removed by moderator) @SuperLuigi @Brittany @Trishie @AdamPeter @egretps @LittleWay16
I agree when most of you say that it would be better if I could find a good Catholic girl. I hope she is serious when she says she can wait and all…
And I agree a lot with you, @Entwhistler , I couldn’t marry a girl who doesn’t believe in the holyness of marriage and I know the longer I wait the harder it will be to break up, but isn’t a bit too early to give up?
@PennyinCanada you described the perfect woman !
@Duc-in-altum thanks for sharing your experience, I would love to take her to Mass with me and all of that but we live so far…
Again many thanks to all of you , and God bless you all!!
J
Jamie5
Guest
Whoa whoa whoa. I didn’t realize you have never met in real life yet???
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PJM
Guest
Be VERY cautious ad a bit skeptical…emotions can run wild easily
DO get to Mas AS OFTEN as is possible and Confession frequently
Pray the Rosary daily for her and yourself.
God Bless you,
Patrick.
DO get to Mas AS OFTEN as is possible and Confession frequently
Pray the Rosary daily for her and yourself.
God Bless you,
Patrick.
P
PJM
Guest
Another thought; START regularly taking about our beautiful Catholic Faith in your chats.
It is very likely that she has been poorly catechized.
God Bless you both
Patrick
It is very likely that she has been poorly catechized.
God Bless you both
Patrick
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ATraveller
Guest
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PennyinCanada
Guest
As a side note to your prayer life. On your way to work can you listen to praise and worship music?
Are you doing that already? lol Begin your day getting plugged in to God. It’s a wonderful way of bringing him along as you leave the house.
Are you doing that already? lol Begin your day getting plugged in to God. It’s a wonderful way of bringing him along as you leave the house.
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Constantin
Guest
Well, that is what I meant: Sometimes sitting down and talking to people very clearly helps a lot. Now you both know where you are standing. Most likely, there will be warnings now how contraception or wishing for only one child means she is not marriage material, how her idea of “compromising” for you is not good enough or even an insult, etc.
On the other hand, if she is honest with wanting to save her until marriage for you, that is indicating that she is really serious. But how serious she is about that is impossible to judge from here.
The fact that you have not even met her once means that one cannot say whether this relationship is worth pursuing.
On the other hand, if she is honest with wanting to save her until marriage for you, that is indicating that she is really serious. But how serious she is about that is impossible to judge from here.
The fact that you have not even met her once means that one cannot say whether this relationship is worth pursuing.
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egretps
Guest
If I could suggest one more thing. Maybe you shouldn’t be dating until you could potentially get married in the near future. There are a couple videos on that subject on Youtube, Courtship/Keeping Company on Catholic channels. Dating shouldn’t last years and years. My grandmother was trying to explain this to me way back in the 80s and 90s, long before youtube.
Seriously, don’t date unless you see in the near future the possibility of saying ‘I do’. That doesn’t mean rush into anything either.
In the meantime go out with the young adults/singles group at the parish or in your diocese, there are bound to be some people there who share similar interests. Volunteer with a program/ministry that speaks to you and is comfortable for you. Get to know people and try new things. Regina magazine hosts Catholic holidays (adventures) for single young people. They recently took a trip to Ireland and had so much fun they made a magazine about it! The time between my ‘dating’ my husband, I would have enjoyed a trip like that.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Seriously, don’t date unless you see in the near future the possibility of saying ‘I do’. That doesn’t mean rush into anything either.
In the meantime go out with the young adults/singles group at the parish or in your diocese, there are bound to be some people there who share similar interests. Volunteer with a program/ministry that speaks to you and is comfortable for you. Get to know people and try new things. Regina magazine hosts Catholic holidays (adventures) for single young people. They recently took a trip to Ireland and had so much fun they made a magazine about it! The time between my ‘dating’ my husband, I would have enjoyed a trip like that.
Keeping you in my prayers.
P
PennyinCanada
Guest
Think about this. She was in the Catholic church and made the decision to leave. She left. She made the decision to take on a lifestyle that is contrary to the gospel. Regardless of what she says, her actions speak about the person she has chosen to be. Don’t be fooled into thinking she may be open to the church. There is a huge difference between someone saying they are open and someone actually going to confession and returning to the sacraments.
By saying you want to be chaste in dating, by asking that she no longer send inappropriate photos of herself, you have shown her the gospel by how you live your life! Good for you. It’s ok to move on. It’s ok to want more. It’s ok to ask God to give you a life partner that will spend a life time walking in grace with you. Say Yes to that plan for your life!
By saying you want to be chaste in dating, by asking that she no longer send inappropriate photos of herself, you have shown her the gospel by how you live your life! Good for you. It’s ok to move on. It’s ok to want more. It’s ok to ask God to give you a life partner that will spend a life time walking in grace with you. Say Yes to that plan for your life!
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Melchior_1
Guest
Amen, brother. Amen. I say the same thing about myself; if I found someone, anyone can.
@ItalianCavalier; the purpose of a Sacramental marriage is to become one flesh, and for the couple to grow together in holiness. Along with that, the marriage shouldn’t detract from your journey within the Catholic faith.
It’s possible to have a relationship and marriage with someone who isn’t practicing. The important thing with that is they need to be respectful towards your beliefs, and they need to be on board with the idea that they should be helping you move towards holiness.
Personal example; my wife converted to Catholicism before we were married. Before her conversion, I was ready to marry her. I researched everything I needed to do to get the marriage recognized by the Catholic Church (dispensation and the like). The key thing with this was that I knew she was going to lead me to holiness and would not move me away from the Catholic faith, regardless if she was Catholic or not.
I’ll be honest with you, based on the information you provided it looks like this woman will not make the effort to lead you to holiness. It appears that she isn’t respecting your beliefs, and it seems like she is pulling you away from the Catholic faith. With that in mind, my advice to you is to walk away.
From a non-spiritual perspective, it strikes me that you’re lacking self-esteem and self-confidence. You very well may feel like you won’t find anyone else, that this woman “is too good for you”. I used to feel the same way, which resulted in staying in several relationships that I should have left (including one where she physically abused me). I’m here to tell you that you are worthy, you are one of God’s creation, and if it’s His will for you to get married, someone will come into your life who will complete you and journey with you towards holiness.
I mean, I’ve been married for nine years now. If God saw fit to bring a woman into my life in this fashion, I assure you He will do it for anyone to whom He wills it.
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