C
confusedsnail
Guest
I need some kind help. I feel a little bit foolish posting this on a website, as it seems to trivialize my issues, but I don’t feel comfortable speaking about with this to a priest as the situation is as it is, and don’t feel comfortable confessing my feelings to my friends for understandable reasons. So please be nice to me; I can’t take much more.
I was raised under the Jewish faith. At this point in my life, I’m Jewish by faith, and not practice. It’s difficult for me to appreciate the necessity of kosher, not using electricity on the Shabbat, and various other rituals. Reform Judaism, which mostly set these things aside, seems a watered down version of faith. My point is: I feel God inside me, I’m convinced He is real and He has created this world, and that the Torah is (at least on a metaphorical level—I don’t believe the world is 6,000 years old) accurate—yet all these side dishes don’t make sense to me. At the same time, I feel very uncomfortable with Judaism’s lack of focus on an afterlife. Yes, this world is terribly important—yet I do want to know if there is something after this world—and the Zohar, through beautiful and rich, has about fifteen conflicting answers! Am I reincarnated? This there a reborn garden of Eden? Am I destroyed? Am I resurrected? How can all these answers be right at once?
There have been few times I’ve felt comfortable around Jewish people. The reason for this is that I’m “half-Jewish”—or by Orthodox standards, not Jewish at all. I’ve been bullied, preached to; my parents have been compared to a gas chamber. I’ve been told my soul is worth “less than a cow’s soul.” This hurts. I’m not worth less to God because I’m a half-Jew. When I am around other Jewish people in religious settings, I feel as though I’m thrown into a pit of snakes. I want to feel a part of the service, but can’t; if they knew I was a half-Jew, their internal feelings would change about me, even if their external were veiled.
I’ve been drawn to Catholicism for several years, but have mostly curbed my impulses. Why? One can’t imagine how difficult it is to endanger an identity, or rather, so many years of life, to curiosity. Yet, when I find the chance, I do explore Catholic churches, and like them. I really, truly admire the character of “The Virgin Mary”—I’ve been very stanch about chastity, and she seems to embody all that I admire.
Yet there are things that are foreign to me. The idea of a trinity, the idea of Christ, the idea of heaven and hell—the idea an angel could go against God. I wonder if my longings are superficial, or simply “spiritual guidance” from an unknown. However, how do I know this? Certainly, from reading these forums, most people here are certain that this religion is the right one. Yet, again, how do I know this? For all religions tell me this—indeed, even in Christianity, the Baptists will say you are wrong, the Anglicans will say you are wrong—and all offer the same reward and punishment. Therefore, if I make this step towards Catholicism, if I “explore” by attending religious topics meetings and keeping my mouth shut—what if I’m being misled? Please understand my fear. It’s not a judgment against you–it’s a judgment against myself. I’m more worried about upsetting God by choosing the wrong religion, than choosing no religion, and leaving Judaism for a spiritual “I believe in God, and that’s as far as I’ll claim.” At the same time, I simply cannot accept that my (now secular family), who believe that God created this world, and that he commands it, and are lovely, kind people, but choose not to subscribe to any religion, will be punished, simply because of a lack of circumstantial opportunity.
I feel as though God has put me in the same, but more difficult position, as he has remote tribes in Africa or Brazil. He’s cast me into a religion I can never be fully apart of (without converting into things I don’t support), and then, cast me into a world where there are countless options and I’m expected to pick the right one. Will I really be punished if I misstep? And is this worth pursuing any further? It would be kind of God to give me some external sign, that I may appreciate—not because I’m special, or important, but because I’m so lost.
I was raised under the Jewish faith. At this point in my life, I’m Jewish by faith, and not practice. It’s difficult for me to appreciate the necessity of kosher, not using electricity on the Shabbat, and various other rituals. Reform Judaism, which mostly set these things aside, seems a watered down version of faith. My point is: I feel God inside me, I’m convinced He is real and He has created this world, and that the Torah is (at least on a metaphorical level—I don’t believe the world is 6,000 years old) accurate—yet all these side dishes don’t make sense to me. At the same time, I feel very uncomfortable with Judaism’s lack of focus on an afterlife. Yes, this world is terribly important—yet I do want to know if there is something after this world—and the Zohar, through beautiful and rich, has about fifteen conflicting answers! Am I reincarnated? This there a reborn garden of Eden? Am I destroyed? Am I resurrected? How can all these answers be right at once?
There have been few times I’ve felt comfortable around Jewish people. The reason for this is that I’m “half-Jewish”—or by Orthodox standards, not Jewish at all. I’ve been bullied, preached to; my parents have been compared to a gas chamber. I’ve been told my soul is worth “less than a cow’s soul.” This hurts. I’m not worth less to God because I’m a half-Jew. When I am around other Jewish people in religious settings, I feel as though I’m thrown into a pit of snakes. I want to feel a part of the service, but can’t; if they knew I was a half-Jew, their internal feelings would change about me, even if their external were veiled.
I’ve been drawn to Catholicism for several years, but have mostly curbed my impulses. Why? One can’t imagine how difficult it is to endanger an identity, or rather, so many years of life, to curiosity. Yet, when I find the chance, I do explore Catholic churches, and like them. I really, truly admire the character of “The Virgin Mary”—I’ve been very stanch about chastity, and she seems to embody all that I admire.
Yet there are things that are foreign to me. The idea of a trinity, the idea of Christ, the idea of heaven and hell—the idea an angel could go against God. I wonder if my longings are superficial, or simply “spiritual guidance” from an unknown. However, how do I know this? Certainly, from reading these forums, most people here are certain that this religion is the right one. Yet, again, how do I know this? For all religions tell me this—indeed, even in Christianity, the Baptists will say you are wrong, the Anglicans will say you are wrong—and all offer the same reward and punishment. Therefore, if I make this step towards Catholicism, if I “explore” by attending religious topics meetings and keeping my mouth shut—what if I’m being misled? Please understand my fear. It’s not a judgment against you–it’s a judgment against myself. I’m more worried about upsetting God by choosing the wrong religion, than choosing no religion, and leaving Judaism for a spiritual “I believe in God, and that’s as far as I’ll claim.” At the same time, I simply cannot accept that my (now secular family), who believe that God created this world, and that he commands it, and are lovely, kind people, but choose not to subscribe to any religion, will be punished, simply because of a lack of circumstantial opportunity.
I feel as though God has put me in the same, but more difficult position, as he has remote tribes in Africa or Brazil. He’s cast me into a religion I can never be fully apart of (without converting into things I don’t support), and then, cast me into a world where there are countless options and I’m expected to pick the right one. Will I really be punished if I misstep? And is this worth pursuing any further? It would be kind of God to give me some external sign, that I may appreciate—not because I’m special, or important, but because I’m so lost.
