Reluctant Annulment

[gambino]

I’ve recently looked into getting an annulment. If you’ve followed my posts, you’ll know that I really have a hard time believing that pursuing an annulment is right. It is hard to justify in my mind between two consensual adults. Even though its painful to be alone now, I know that I entered the marriage full-well knowing that it would be permanent even in really bad times. Thats why over 2 years later, I’m reluctant to date or give the impression of living a life of not being married. (Even though, I have fallen and been on a very lonely date or two ) I’d welcome her with open arms like a prodigal coming home.

That said, it’s not normal in a marriage to have no contact for over 2 years. We’ve been divorced for two years as well. She has pretty much disappeared.

So I guess what I am asking is this… Is it possible to write a letter to her as part of the annulment with the hope of changing her heart (and/or sexuality)? I’m hoping that the tribunal would deliver it to her and at least let her know where I am coming from. (I don’t want to send it by myself b/c I don’t know where she lives). Also, can an annulment find that a marriage never existed in the church if I fully believe that I personally entered it with every intention for it to succeed? Now before I get attacked on this forum, I do take blame for not being a perfect husband. But I honestly would be happily married today if she was still there. And from my perspective, the marriage was valid. The only potential issues are her upbringing, sexuality issues and abandonment of me with no contact after two years.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I’m sorry gambino, I’ve seen your prior threads on this.

The thing is though…maybe your wife didn’t enter into the marriage with full consent or understanding, so that is why it might be important to go through the annulment process.

Are you worried that going through this, the tribunal will find that your marriage wasn’t Sacramental, afterall? I have often wondered this myself…suppose one spouse is passionate about staying together and maintains that the marriage is valid, but the other doesn’t feel the same way.

What I will say, is that it takes two people to want that very same thing though…to passionately and zealously stay together. If your wife were to come back without wanting that very same thing…to recommit to the marriage, then what would you really have? Did your wife fall out of love, or … ? I don’t fully remember the details if you could refresh my memory, I’d be grateful. *

 

[ComputerGeek25]

gambino,

I am sorry to hear that things didn’t work out with your marriage.

I did not read your previous thread, but I think I have something to say about how you feel.

I can see and understand how you feel. You meant your vows and believed they could not be broken. You entered he marriage in good faith. These are all good things.

May I suggest, that the issue wasn’t with you? I know that whenever somehting I’ve done doesn’t work out, I tend to over analyze things and blame myself. Even though things were completely out of my control.

I don’t know what sending a letter to her would accomplish at this point, if she made up her mind. If you’re really intent on it, have you ever tried looking her up on the Internet? I’m assuming you know her name, where she attended school and/or any email addresses she used.

Lastly, a tribunal can say a marriage never exsisted, even though you gave your best effort. They could rule that the issue was with her.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Here’s someone else who also entered a marriage fully intending it to be permanent, open to children and exclusive.

For a marriage to be valid, BOTH parties must intend these things at the time of the wedding and be capable of keeping the vows.

It takes two to make a marriage, but only one to end it.

I use the example many times of explaining it like buying a house.

You buy a house and sign a deed and hand your money to the seller. You think you have a legitimate legal transaction going. But the other party never had clear title to the house. It was in foreclosure. They never intended to pay off the loan or refinance it. They owed back taxes at the time of the sale. The house was in a lien situation. Doesn’t matter if YOU had a legitimate cashier’s check and notarized everything on your end, there is no licit house sale. It is void.

Same with a marriage. And since she isn’t even around and you don’t know where she is, you can go ahead and petition for annulment maybe using Facebook to find friends who knew you both, or her relatives or something to talk about it, and any witnesses who knew about her…

Make sure you let them know she left and has had no contact with you and you don’t know where she is.

 

[Ailina]

I’ve recently looked into getting an annulment. If you’ve followed my posts, you’ll know that I really have a hard time believing that pursuing an annulment is right. It is hard to justify in my mind between two consensual adults. Even though its painful to be alone now, I know that I entered the marriage full-well knowing that it would be permanent even in really bad times. Thats why over 2 years later, I’m reluctant to date or give the impression of living a life of not being married. (Even though, I have fallen and been on a very lonely date or two ) I’d welcome her with open arms like a prodigal coming home.

That said, it’s not normal in a marriage to have no contact for over 2 years. We’ve been divorced for two years as well. She has pretty much disappeared.

So I guess what I am asking is this… Is it possible to write a letter to her as part of the annulment with the hope of changing her heart (and/or sexuality)? I’m hoping that the tribunal would deliver it to her and at least let her know where I am coming from. (I don’t want to send it by myself b/c I don’t know where she lives). Also, can an annulment find that a marriage never existed in the church if I fully believe that I personally entered it with every intention for it to succeed? Now before I get attacked on this forum, I do take blame for not being a perfect husband. But I honestly would be happily married today if she was still there. And from my perspective, the marriage was valid. The only potential issues are her upbringing, sexuality issues and abandonment of me with no contact after two years.

You may have entered the marriage in the right frame of mind. But if SHE didn’t, then the Tribunal will rule on that fact. It takes two to make a marriage, not just one. She may have hidden her true sexuality from you for a while, but could not hide it forever, which might explain why she came out of the closet and ran away. The Tribunal will focus on this aspect of her personality, because that is grounds for annulment.

If she was feeling the same way as you, she would already have made contact, but she hasn’t, so that should tell you something. Broken hearts can mend with time; I am proof of that, as are others here. It is very hard but you have to let go of the past, in order to make a new life. You have to believe that things will get better with time and God’s grace.

I have found that once the annulment process was over, then I could really focus on moving ahead. Otherwise, you feel stuck in the past, which is not a good place to be, especially if that place was so negative.

 

[dulcissima]

Have you talked to your priest about this at all?

 

[chevalier]

Cases are handled by tribunals, so.

Meanwhile, an article at EWTN:

ewtn.com/expert/answers/marital_consent.htm

 

[cameron_lansing]

“Also, can an annulment find that a marriage never existed in the church if I fully believe that I personally entered it with every intention for it to succeed?”

This will sound coolly dispassionate as a point of law, but anyone reading of these circumstances could not be unmoved with compassion and prayer.

The intention of the parties for the success of the marriage is independent of the juridic requirements for the validity of marriage. Almost universally, people do enter marriage with such an intention. Intentional and malicious deceit about this point is rare.

The question, after a case is brought to the tribunal, is whether or not a deficit in consent by either party, a diriment impediment, or an deficiency or lack of legal form existed. Marriage is not created by an intention to succeed, but by consent of both parties, each of whom must be free from impediments or dispensed from them, and the legal manifestation of that consent. That is the gist of canon 1057, and it can be found on the internet these days.

As noted, it takes two to marry. Each party must be able to place consent and to assume the obligations of that consent. We have many cases in which one party was certainly capable of marriage and did give proper consent to marriage, but the other party was either not capable or did not, in fact, give valid consent.

Tribunal judges do raise the possibility of reconciliation when this appears to be a founded possibility. It does happen though it is not something that would be publicized.

There would have to be independent indications from both parties of this desire and not just a desire from one party. If a person abandoned common life for a same sex relationship, divorced, and remained out of touch, it is not likely that she would be receptive to reconciliation.

 

[gambino]

Have you talked to your priest about this at all?

I have talked to many priests and my spiritual advisor. Most people don’t understand my desire for me to save my marriage…even priests sometimes. I’ve learned alot about priest’s true level of faith and adherence to doctrinal beliefs from sharing my struggle. It’s not out of pride that I wrestle with this, but more the fact that I care about her and somehow feel even closer to her now more than before. I understand sacrificial love in a way I never would have before. (I used to think it was going to see another girl-y movie instead of seeing something I wanted to see). Even I would say I’m weird with my desire in this situation to stick with it even though the situation is messed up. But this feeling comes from a much closer relationship with God. The big guy and me are closer together than we’ve ever been because of His grace in spite of my stubbornness. Maybe I’m misinterpreting what is in my heart or what He’s telling me to do…who knows. I guess thats why you trust in the wisdom of a tribunal.

But I also know I have to move forward somehow…either with her or without her. I just get this very vivid image that she is at the threshold of hell and needs to be saved. It’s not me to save her but I believe that prayer and faithfulness can do miracles.

Thanks for all of your replies.