Renting from Wife's Mother issues

[ctststephen]

Married with three children, and recently entered the Catholic Church. We have rented an adjoining guesthouse from my wife's mother (MIL) for seven years. As the years go by and our walk of faith progresses, we are becoming more sensitive to issues gradually accumulating in our multi-generational household.

MiL is an atheist progressive. My wife homeschools the children with a Christian curriculum; MiL generally respects our right to practice our faith, however she explains to the children in their increasingly "grown up" conversations, or will say openly to us in front of them, that she believes the Catholic Church is a negative patriarchal artifact full of arrogant and evil men; Our Lord likely never existed; God likely does not exist; religion is a collection of primitive myths; science alone is true; Donald Trump is an evil man; etc. She always emphasizes that these are her personal beliefs, and the children are free to believe what they are taught, and eventually, what they choose themselves.

In the past, she has raised LGBTQetc flags in front of the house, was disappointed we didn't agree with the gesture but reminded us that she can, of course, do what she want on her property. She was embarrassed when we first raised the American flag on our leased portion of her property, although she didn't stop us because she affirmed our right to do so as renters. She repeatedly calls our children by her last name rather than mine (and now my wife's). Additionally, MiL on several occasions has broken "deals" -- such as threatening to remove our large work vehicle (wife and I run a family business) at our cost when we were discussing buying a larger family vehicle. She explained she didn't realize how much she didn't like the truck on her property until we started talking about buying a new family vehicle and she decided there wasn't enough room (there is, it's a very large property). When we explained that the new family vehicle was not an addition but a replacement, she said it didn't matter -- she'd already decided the work vehicle had to go because she didn't like how it made her property look (too blue collar). She offered to sweeten the deal with money towards our new family vehicle. Not totally unfair -- landlords have such rights, and it's up to us to "take the deal". But still very sudden for us, and a total 180 from her initially position a year before -- we wouldn't have purchased the vehicle if we couldn't keep it on the property.

MiL was a career-oriented single mother, wife was in vitro when MiL was 40. Wife grew up being told by MiL that one day she would be her mother's caretaker. Our children will be young teenagers by the time MiL is in her 80's, and she expects my wife to care for her full-time. We got a taste of it recently while MiL recovered from surgery for two weeks -- wife was practically unavailable to the children the whole time. My wife feels overwhelmed by these expectations, as if she was "genetically engineered" to be her mother's everything, and she feels trapped in our renting situation, where other options are otherwise quite unaffordable without moving very far away from our community and livelihood.

I must emphasize, the dynamic is overwhelmingly positive, friendly, and full of smiles. But these are some negative things that have cropped up over the course of 7 years. 7 years ago, we were ourselves agnostic progressives. Now, we are increasingly traditional Catholics. There is some tension increasing as we address some of these issues, particularly as MiL often brings up politics and attacks my wife's now-conservative views.

As husband and father, I feel disturbed that my wife feels under someone else's control. I am beginning to discern that in order to fulfill my vocation as head of my wife and household, I should be proactive and seek out a more independent situation for ourselves. I love my MiL, and would happily put a guest house on my own property for her. I am increasingly convinced that it is not right, as fair as she is, that my MiL is our landlord and exerts such power over our family while trying to personally control my wife, in addition to being a potentially negative influence -- as neutral as she tries to be, and thinks she is -- in our children's faith formation.

How does the Church guide the role of fathers and husbands with regard to our responsibilities in light of situations like this? Navigating multigenerational homes and in-law dynamics is surely nothing new under the sun!

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Married with three children, and recently entered the Catholic Church. We have rented an adjoining guesthouse from my wife's mother (MIL) for seven years. As the years go by and our walk of faith progresses, we are becoming more sensitive to issues gradually accumulating in our multi-generational household.

MiL is an atheist progressive. My wife homeschools the children with a Christian curriculum; MiL generally respects our right to practice our faith, however she explains to the children in their increasingly "grown up" conversations, or will say openly to us in front of them, that she believes the Catholic Church is a negative patriarchal artifact full of arrogant and evil men; Our Lord likely never existed; God likely does not exist; religion is a collection of primitive myths; science alone is true; Donald Trump is an evil man; etc. She always emphasizes that these are her personal beliefs, and the children are free to believe what they are taught, and eventually, what they choose themselves.

In the past, she has raised LGBTQetc flags in front of the house, was disappointed we didn't agree with the gesture but reminded us that she can, of course, do what she want on her property. She was embarrassed when we first raised the American flag on our leased portion of her property, although she didn't stop us because she affirmed our right to do so as renters. She repeatedly calls our children by her last name rather than mine (and now my wife's). Additionally, MiL on several occasions has broken "deals" -- such as threatening to remove our large work vehicle (wife and I run a family business) at our cost when we were discussing buying a larger family vehicle. She explained she didn't realize how much she didn't like the truck on her property until we started talking about buying a new family vehicle and she decided there wasn't enough room (there is, it's a very large property). When we explained that the new family vehicle was not an addition but a replacement, she said it didn't matter -- she'd already decided the work vehicle had to go because she didn't like how it made her property look (too blue collar). She offered to sweeten the deal with money towards our new family vehicle. Not totally unfair -- landlords have such rights, and it's up to us to "take the deal". But still very sudden for us, and a total 180 from her initially position a year before -- we wouldn't have purchased the vehicle if we couldn't keep it on the property.

MiL was a career-oriented single mother, wife was in vitro when MiL was 40. Wife grew up being told by MiL that one day she would be her mother's caretaker. Our children will be young teenagers by the time MiL is in her 80's, and she expects my wife to care for her full-time. We got a taste of it recently while MiL recovered from surgery for two weeks -- wife was practically unavailable to the children the whole time. My wife feels overwhelmed by these expectations, as if she was "genetically engineered" to be her mother's everything, and she feels trapped in our renting situation, where other options are otherwise quite unaffordable without moving very far away from our community and livelihood.

I must emphasize, the dynamic is overwhelmingly positive, friendly, and full of smiles. But these are some negative things that have cropped up over the course of 7 years. 7 years ago, we were ourselves agnostic progressives. Now, we are increasingly traditional Catholics. There is some tension increasing as we address some of these issues, particularly as MiL often brings up politics and attacks my wife's now-conservative views.

As husband and father, I feel disturbed that my wife feels under someone else's control. I am beginning to discern that in order to fulfill my vocation as head of my wife and household, I should be proactive and seek out a more independent situation for ourselves. I love my MiL, and would happily put a guest house on my own property for her. I am increasingly convinced that it is not right, as fair as she is, that my MiL is our landlord and exerts such power over our family while trying to personally control my wife, in addition to being a potentially negative influence -- as neutral as she tries to be, and thinks she is -- in our children's faith formation.

How does the Church guide the role of fathers and husbands with regard to our responsibilities in light of situations like this? Navigating multigenerational homes and in-law dynamics is surely nothing new under the sun!

For the sake of your children if nothing else, it would be better if you could get out from under a financial connection (renting) from your MIL. I realize that might not be possible in the here and now, but it might be something towards which you could work.

As to the need to care for her in old age, that could well fall under the natural law, as well as the Fourth and Fifth Commandments. IMO this would not exclude seeking out an alternate arrangement for her, but then there would be financial considerations as well as those of her own sensibilities. I was the only child my parents had, and it fell upon me to care for them in their old age and illness. Putting them in a nursing home would have been financially ruinous to all of us (especially if they'd been there for a long time), and would have left them in the care of people who are, at the end of the day, strangers. My mother was in hospital and rehab twice in the year before her death (my father had passed away), and especially the second stint in rehab, it became obvious that nursing home care would be a horrible thing, she would sit in her wheelchair or lie in bed for hours on end, alone and neglected, and my visiting hours were of necessity limited. I don't think anyone goes into a nursing home because they want to.

(As a side note, a caregiver at the rehab facility saw that my mother hadn't yet had dinner on Easter Sunday, don't know how that got neglected, I'd had to leave before dinner was served, and my mother couldn't easily feed herself due to infirmity. The caregiver stayed past her shift and fed my mother, said she couldn't go home knowing that my mother hadn't eaten. If that caregiver's salvation is in jeopardy at the moment of her death, I hope Our Lord will allow me to advocate for her, and allow this one act of kindness to save her. That was the most decent thing I've ever heard of any person ever doing for another, with the exception of St Maximilian Kolbe offering his life in exchange for another prisoner who had a family.)

I know some families operate on the principle that "every generation is on their own once they turn 18, and parents and children have no obligations to one another after that point", and not all families are able to have multiple generations living in close proximity to one another (as in the same town). However, that was never the way we operated, and through thrift and frugality, we have had great intergenerational prosperity because of it --- I have told my son that he will never know home insecurity unless he makes bad life decisions and loses it, he has a home fully paid for in which he lives, this in addition to the home, also fully paid for, that I own and in which I live. It is the rare 18-year-old who will never have to worry about rent or a mortgage. I live very frugally and only buy what I absolutely need, so that I'll be able to leave more to my son. In my parents' situation, they were both the youngest of large families, and some of the older siblings shirked their responsibilities (or did not take on their share) towards their own parents. My mother would always say "it is the youngest ones' obligation to take care of the parents", and I once asked her "did anyone ever sit you down and tell you that, or is that just your own thinking?". She admitted that nobody ever told her that. There were a lot of hard feelings on both sides of the family over the imbalance in the various siblings' care for their parents. (My father's mother also had certain expectations of her two sons, the two youngest, but out of respect to her, I won't elaborate. Suffice it to say that her presumptions were way over-the-top.)

I don't know how to give you practical advice beyond what I already have. Just make sure, as I'm sure you do, to teach your children that their grandmother is simply in error, and not to be influenced by her thinking. Wrong never becomes right because of who it is that's saying it.