Repeating pattern of "you just don't do it for me" in dating... any solutions?

[CaliLobo]

Since that girl broke up with me a year ago, I’ve had a streak of 1-3 dates, followed by rejection. Each time, the girl will say that I just don’t do it for her, but can’t describe why. It’s just a feeling, they say vaguely.

I can’t keep taking rejection from women anymore. The longer this pattern goes on, the more women keep telling me I just don’t do it for them, the more I start wondering whether I do it for anyone.

I feel I do mostly the right things, I can keep a conversation going, I try not to make them uncomfortable, I keep it positive and I don’t need to boast about my accomplishments.

I try my best not to look like I just want sex. I try my best to be casual and not act too desperate.

I try my best to have a positive mindset, believing this will work. But it’s hard, when I have a streak to haunt me.

I’m not a perfect dater by any means. I can’t always be high-energy and stimulating, and dramatic and exciting like an actor. Sometimes I am nervous. Sometimes I say wrong things and make women uncomfortable. But I keep learning.

But recently, I haven’t been saying wrong things to make them uncomfortable.
**
It must be something very subtle I’m doing wrong, can anyone come up with some theories of why I can’t seem to get beyond 1-3 dates?**

Also, how much do these matter to women, in terms of creating the type of attraction that makes a woman want to be more than friends? (I would say sexual attraction, but CAFers might take it the wrong way.)

1) Hairstyle (I’ve been told by a friend to change it)
2) Posture (I’ve been told mine is horrible)
3) Being high-energy and stimulating, instead of quiet-confident (I can’t always do this; how do people act so stimulated all the time?)
4) Height (I’m 5’8. Should I not bother with tall women?)
5) Being in the military (I’m not)
6) Having an athletic body (I’ve been told by that same friend to build muscle to look more sexually appealing)
7) Tattoos (I have none)
8) Smoking (How much does this matter? How about weed?)
9) Diet restrictions (I’m an omnivore. Should I not bother with vegetarians? But there are so many in LA.)
10) Race/culture (I am Korean. Am I barking up the wrong tree by preferring white women? Are white women open to dating Asians? Should I not bother, and date within my culture to increase the odds?)
11) Similarity of career (Many in LA are in entertainment. I find it’s hard to relate to their struggles, and theirs to mine. Despite their beauty, am I barking up the wrong tree? Should I not bother and seek educated professionals?)
12) Similarity of political beliefs (I’m not always leftist, but I feel pressured to be leftist. Many women won’t date someone who is pro-life, for example. How much does this matter to women?)
13) Exciting hobbies (Should I get a motorcycle, for example?)
14) Storytelling skills (I can’t always come up with clever stories to tell. How much does this matter?)

Thanks for your thoughtful responses!

 

[Hobbes42]

Since that girl broke up with me a year ago, I’ve had a streak of 1-3 dates, followed by rejection. Each time, the girl will say that I just don’t do it for her, but can’t describe why. It’s just a feeling, they say vaguely.

I can’t keep taking rejection from women anymore. The longer this pattern goes on, the more women keep telling me I just don’t do it for them, the more I start wondering whether I do it for anyone.

I feel I do mostly the right things, I can keep a conversation going, I try not to make them uncomfortable, I keep it positive and I don’t need to boast about my accomplishments.

I try my best not to look like I just want sex. I try my best to be casual and not act too desperate.

I try my best to have a positive mindset, believing this will work. But it’s hard, when I have a streak to haunt me.

I’m not a perfect dater by any means. I can’t always be high-energy and stimulating, and dramatic and exciting like an actor. Sometimes I am nervous. Sometimes I say wrong things and make women uncomfortable. But I keep learning.

But recently, I haven’t been saying wrong things to make them uncomfortable.
**
It must be something very subtle I’m doing wrong, can anyone come up with some theories of why I can’t seem to get beyond 1-3 dates?**

Also, how much do these matter to women, in terms of creating the type of attraction that makes a woman want to be more than friends? (I would say sexual attraction, but CAFers might take it the wrong way.)

1) Hairstyle (I’ve been told by a friend to change it)
2) Posture (I’ve been told mine is horrible)
3) Being high-energy and stimulating, instead of quiet-confident (I can’t always do this; how do people act so stimulated all the time?)
4) Height (I’m 5’8. Should I not bother with tall women?)
5) Being in the military (I’m not)
6) Having an athletic body (I’ve been told by that same friend to build muscle to look more sexually appealing)
7) Tattoos (I have none)
8) Smoking (How much does this matter? How about weed?)
9) Diet restrictions (I’m an omnivore. Should I not bother with vegetarians? But there are so many in LA.)
10) Race/culture (I am Korean. Am I barking up the wrong tree by preferring white women? Are white women open to dating Asians? Should I not bother, and date within my culture to increase the odds?)
11) Similarity of career (Many in LA are in entertainment. I find it’s hard to relate to their struggles, and theirs to mine. Despite their beauty, am I barking up the wrong tree? Should I not bother and seek educated professionals?)
12) Similarity of political beliefs (I’m not always leftist, but I feel pressured to be leftist. Many women won’t date someone who is pro-life, for example. How much does this matter to women?)
13) Exciting hobbies (Should I get a motorcycle, for example?)
14) Storytelling skills (I can’t always come up with clever stories to tell. How much does this matter?)

Thanks for your thoughtful responses!

I can’t tell you much more than one response-don’t get a motorcycle. (A mangled body and possible disability it seems, aren’t worth the cool factor and fun)

 

[JorduSpeaks]

I can’t keep taking rejection from women anymore. The longer this pattern goes on, the more women keep telling me I just don’t do it for them, the more I start wondering whether I do it for anyone.

Hey, consider yourself lucky. At the very least, you know that you DID do it for someone, therefore you know it’s possible for you. There are a lot of guys out there who’ve never had a girlfriend and probably never will.

Also, as far as this goes:

10) Race/culture (I am Korean. Am I barking up the wrong tree by preferring white women? Are white women open to dating Asians? Should I not bother, and date within my culture to increase the odds?)

My little sister is white and attractive, and she actually PREFERS Asian men. Actually, she’s in a relationship with a Korean guy right now. So, you know, they exist.

 

[Auntie_A]

I respect your attempts and your openness to criticism. Just don’t go too far.

From your list, I would say that a good haircut is helpful. Nothing too fancy or fashionable; just a good haircut that flatters your face.

Muscles are always good. Don’t go crazy and do too much working out, but a strong guy who can work hard and endure the weights of the world is a good prospect for marriage. Stamina and hard working seems to be a good prescription for marriage and family.

Differences in Politics is not so bad if there are similar moral and religious values regarding marriage and family.

Women and men in entertainment can be vain, superficial, difficult to understand but so can they be in healthcare, business, sales, education, etc…just look for good people. Look at behavior as well as appearance. Some appearances can be deceiving.

Try not to change yourself a million ways. Just work on being someone that a woman can envision as a husband: kind, strong, supportive, good with kids, SENSE OF HUMOR(This does not mean you need to be a stand up comic; just be light about faults and difficulties), financially sound and sane, generous but not foolish, able to enjoy simple fun and able to splurge when he can, and above all: loves God and Gods laws.

You might not be attracting the girls you think you want because they might be shallow with poor values. All you need is the right woman. Forget the movies, the magazines, the fantasies. Look for the beauty in everyone, imagine how God sees you and others. Pray and enjoy the search. Do not despair. She is somewhere out there and God is challenging you to become a better person.

 

[Xantippe]

Since that girl broke up with me a year ago, I’ve had a streak of 1-3 dates, followed by rejection. Each time, the girl will say that I just don’t do it for her, but can’t describe why. It’s just a feeling, they say vaguely.

I can’t keep taking rejection from women anymore. The longer this pattern goes on, the more women keep telling me I just don’t do it for them, the more I start wondering whether I do it for anyone.

I feel I do mostly the right things, I can keep a conversation going, I try not to make them uncomfortable, I keep it positive and I don’t need to boast about my accomplishments.

I try my best not to look like I just want sex. I try my best to be casual and not act too desperate.

I try my best to have a positive mindset, believing this will work. But it’s hard, when I have a streak to haunt me.

I’m not a perfect dater by any means. I can’t always be high-energy and stimulating, and dramatic and exciting like an actor. Sometimes I am nervous. Sometimes I say wrong things and make women uncomfortable. But I keep learning.

But recently, I haven’t been saying wrong things to make them uncomfortable.
**
It must be something very subtle I’m doing wrong, can anyone come up with some theories of why I can’t seem to get beyond 1-3 dates?**

Also, how much do these matter to women, in terms of creating the type of attraction that makes a woman want to be more than friends? (I would say sexual attraction, but CAFers might take it the wrong way.)

1) Hairstyle (I’ve been told by a friend to change it)
2) Posture (I’ve been told mine is horrible)
3) Being high-energy and stimulating, instead of quiet-confident (I can’t always do this; how do people act so stimulated all the time?)
4) Height (I’m 5’8. Should I not bother with tall women?)
5) Being in the military (I’m not)
6) Having an athletic body (I’ve been told by that same friend to build muscle to look more sexually appealing)
7) Tattoos (I have none)
8) Smoking (How much does this matter? How about weed?)
9) Diet restrictions (I’m an omnivore. Should I not bother with vegetarians? But there are so many in LA.)
10) Race/culture (I am Korean. Am I barking up the wrong tree by preferring white women? Are white women open to dating Asians? Should I not bother, and date within my culture to increase the odds?)
11) Similarity of career (Many in LA are in entertainment. I find it’s hard to relate to their struggles, and theirs to mine. Despite their beauty, am I barking up the wrong tree? Should I not bother and seek educated professionals?)
12) Similarity of political beliefs (I’m not always leftist, but I feel pressured to be leftist. Many women won’t date someone who is pro-life, for example. How much does this matter to women?)
13) Exciting hobbies (Should I get a motorcycle, for example?)
14) Storytelling skills (I can’t always come up with clever stories to tell. How much does this matter?)

Thanks for your thoughtful responses!

Congratulations on your return to LA!

1. If you’ve done 1-3 dates with each woman, it suggests that your initial presentation is basically fine and it’s not your race.
2. Maybe the fake high energy thing is a problem? You may be trying too hard. (I had something similar happen to me when I was meeting my future in-laws. I accidentally made a terrible impression because I was trying so hard.)
3. If your friend says to change the hair style, change the hair style. If that’s not it, it will grow out.
4. Posture–oh, boy, that may be it. That is a really important one. As I recall, you’re a short guy, so that makes you look even shorter.
5. Maybe be more careful with scheduling, so you won’t go out with somebody new when you’re feeling droopy.
6. Could the pot be affecting your energy level?
7. Some more muscles can’t hurt–also, it could help a lot with posture.
8. If you date both Asian and white women, you double your chances (in LA at least). If you’re doing online dating, they know you’re Asian. Don’t worry about it.
9. An educated professional is much more likely to value what you have to offer. You are looking for this girl (mild content warning–it’s from “The Hebrew Hammer”):

youtube.com/watch?v=voFeNKjovdY

1. Being personally pro-abortion is out of vogue, even with liberals and the US has gotten rather more pro-life since the mid-90s (check out the chart here).

gallup.com/poll/170249/split-abortion-pro-choice-pro-life.aspx

In practice, educated liberal women are generally very child-oriented if they want children at all. You see a large difference in approach in dealing with “hard cases” (major disability in the unborn child, etc.), but for normal cases, there are more similarities than differences.

1. How about sticking to hobbies that will make it easier to meet single women?
2. Storytelling ability is not that important. In fact, the raconteur can be really annoying.

 

[Xantippe]

In case you do use pot, I was just reading the following over at WebMD:

“Heavy marijuana use lowers men’s testosterone levels and sperm count and quality. Pot could decrease libido and fertility in some heavy-smoking men.”

webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/marijuana-use-and-its-effects

That’s not good!

 

[chevalier]

You can’t possibly appeal to all the women you meet. Things like high energy or quiet confidence will appeal to some but not to others. The same goes for an athletic body, good posture etc. Some like it, some don’t, some don’t care. But you probably know this, you’re just being nervous because of a long ‘losing’ streak.

But the thing is, you aren’t losing. It’s about compatibility, not about winning. Not all women ‘do it’ for you, either, and of those who do some still are not good marriage prospects. They have their own needs and preferences, you have yours. Things either click together or not. Just like those women, you shouldn’t force yourself to go for the first nice/pretty stranger you hang out with, there’s got to be much more to it.

As for dating women who wouldn’t date a Catholic, a pro-life person etc. — you don’t want to date them anyway. A pro-‘choice’ girl may still be ‘hot’ or even pretty, engaging, sweet and whatnot, but imagine arguing with a pro-‘choice’ wife in front of your children.

In any case be natural. If you’re okay with being yourself, you’re confident and more appealing — to someone who actually likes the way you are or is open-minded about it. And there are bound to be such women, just make sure you don’t spend too much time chasing and brooding over those who are not.

 

[pensmama87]

In case you do use pot, I was just reading the following over at WebMD:

“Heavy marijuana use lowers men’s testosterone levels and sperm count and quality. Pot could decrease libido and fertility in some heavy-smoking men.”

webmd.com/mental-health/addiction/marijuana-use-and-its-effects

That’s not good!

Smoking at all is a huge turn-off for a LOT of women, and if you do use pot, that’s going to be even less attractive. It stinks, too (1-3 dates may be what it takes for a woman to realize it’s not her surroundings but you, if you smoke often). Pot smokers are also stereotyped as having little ambition, which would not appeal to a woman looking for a family man. Even if it’s just tobacco, a lot of people are really sensitive to the smoke or the smell. Kissing someone who smokes is not pleasant. It’s also expensive (and viewed by non-smokers as a really big waste of money).

From your list, I think the smoking may be holding you back the most. Nothing else you listed would be an automatic “no” for me, but the smoking would, and many of the women I know who are single refuse to date smokers, as well (I’m in my 20s).

 

[ChurchSoldier]

It sounds like you spend a lot of time trying to be who you think they will want. (Maybe it’s an LA thing…). Generally speaking though, people are attracted to people who are comfortable being who they are.

 

[Allegra]

It sounds like you spend a lot of time trying to be who you think they will want. (Maybe it’s an LA thing…). Generally speaking though, people are attracted to people who are comfortable being who they are.

This ishat I was going to say. Spend less time on trying to look attractive, and more time on being the type of person you want to be. Most women can tell the difference between a guy who is shined up for sale and a guy who is genuine.

 

[Allegra]

PS- Smoking is disgusting and there is no way I would date someone who smokes. I honestly would be hesitant to even hang out with someone who smokes unless they were exceptionally more considerate then most smokers I know. (ex. Never did it around me.) Weed is even worse because it’s illegal.

 

[jmr_1985]

You are trying way too hard! You can only pretend to be someone you are not for so long. Sooner or later the real you will come out. Don’t try to make yourself into someone you are not. Fifty+ years later your wife will know exactly who you are. More than likely by the 3rd date, a woman will know you aren’t being yourself. I know it is difficult to stay positive in your situation but I found my wife after I’d just about swarn off looking for a new girlfriend.

 

[LongingSoul]

7) Tattoos (I have none)

Tatoos have never appealed to me.

8) Smoking (How much does this matter? How about weed?)

In a trillion years I would never date a pot smoker. My daughter and her friends also hate the whole pot culture which for one thing often means that they have to drive stoned guys around because it stays in the system for so long.

12) Similarity of political beliefs (I’m not always leftist, but I feel pressured to be leftist. Many women won’t date someone who is pro-life, for example. How much does this matter to women?)

Gosh would you even want to date a woman who wouldn’t date a pro-lifer? You want a wife that doesn’t kill your babies!

Also why are you closed to dating in your own culture. Being married for the rest of your life, you find that a thing like shared culture can be a wonderful advantage. You gotta be more open minded.

 

[Xantippe]

But the thing is, you aren’t losing. It’s about compatibility, not about winning. Not all women ‘do it’ for you, either, and of those who do some still are not good marriage prospects. They have their own needs and preferences, you have yours. Things either click together or not. Just like those women, you shouldn’t force yourself to go for the first nice/pretty stranger you hang out with, there’s got to be much more to it.

A Russian friend of mine (a former physics teachers) used to say, “A negative result is also a result.”

 

[Xantippe]

The smoking (of whatever kind) probably isn’t helping, particularly in health-conscious LA. With tobacco, the odor is invisible to the smoker, but obvious to everybody around. With pot, you know what the stereotypes are. I’ve read a lot of secular advice columns that go like this: he’s a great guy, but he smokes pot. It bothers a lot of women a lot, because it suggests that your future family’s welfare is not your #1 priority.

Come to think of it, at your age, a lot of the women you’ll be meeting will be marriage-minded, even in LA, and even if they’re super liberal. At this point, if you don’t give off a “grownup” vibe, it may be hurting you romantically, even if you could have gotten away with a more casual approach previously.

 

[Lorelei12]

Agree with everyone else about the smoking. It’s so gross, I would never have dated anyone who smoked anything- regular cigarettes included. Not only that, it causes health problems for me. Clothes reek, hair reeks, I can smell it in someone’s pores. Ew. Most of my single friends also would not date a smoker, so I’d definitely work on quitting.

 

[Groo]

I think the problem is that you don’t like yourself. You compare yourself to other people and believe that you are lacking in some way.

Finding a woman is not going to fix your lack of self-confidence. If anything, a relationship could make things worse for you. You could end up being a basket case with your insecurities, which would ruin any chance of a healthy long-term relationship.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do for yourself is get therapy to see if you can regain your confidence. Being single it is the best time to seek help for yourself since you do not have a family to support.

And pay for good counseling too. Don’t be cheap. This will be well worth the investment. If you don’t think so, research how much a divorce can cost you. Marriage is the biggest investment you will ever make.

Here’s the deal… This dating is ultimately a numbers game. If you persist meeting and dating women, you will eventually find someone. Whether you choose to work on yourself or not, some lady will be interested enough in you to have a relationship. What I worry with you is that the relationship could be between very unhealthy, codependent people. And that kind of problem is many times worse than not being able to find a girlfriend.

 

[maryjk]

It sounds like you spend a lot of time trying to be who you think they will want. (Maybe it’s an LA thing…). Generally speaking though, people are attracted to people who are comfortable being who they are.

I agree. Stop trying so hard. And be yourself, not who you think they want.

And I am with everyone else. No smoking.

 

[CaliLobo]

By the way, I only smoke a cigarette when I’m angry at the world and can’t relieve stress any other way, which is about once every 4 months or so.

I don’t smoke weed, but I’ve tried it, and weed isn’t that big of a deal anymore, who cares?

I ask about smoking because I don’t reject a girl outright for smoking. It’s interesting that you guys think it’s such a turnoff, when there are so many other women that smoke.

Anyways, how about the other items on my list? Do they matter?

 

[Allegra]

By the way, I only smoke a cigarette when I’m angry at the world and can’t relieve stress any other way, which is about once every 4 months or so.

I don’t smoke weed, but I’ve tried it, and weed isn’t that big of a deal anymore, who cares?

I ask about smoking because I don’t reject a girl outright for smoking. It’s interesting that you guys think it’s such a turnoff, when there are so many other women that smoke.

Anyways, how about the other items on my list? Do they matter?

They only matter if they matter to you. If you want to change your hair or workout, then you should do those things. You shouldn’t do them because you think you will be more attractive to women. You want a woman who is happy with you for who you are. If those changes are fake, you aren’t doing yourself any favors. Eventually, (and probably sooner rather then later) she will see that isn’t who you really are and she’ll dump you. If you work on being who you want to be, then the right girl for you will see you as genuine and you will have a much better chance of having a good relationship.