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Repeating pattern of "you just don't do it for me" in dating... any solutions?
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X
Xantippe
Guest
In the meantime, can you see a therapist? You may also find either Doctor Nerdlove or his commentors helpful. Doctor Nerdlove says about himself, âSince then [Valentineâs Day 2011], he has been giving advice to nerds and geeks from his little corner of the Internet, making geeks just a little more sexy and women a little more nerd-curious.
No, no, donât thank him. Itâs all part of the job.â His about says, âDr. NerdLove dispenses love, sex and life advice for geeks, otaku, dweebs, poozers, nerds and the occasional neo-maxie-zoom-dweebie. Making geeks sexier since 20011.â
Even if Dr. Nerdlove doesnât take your case on on the advice blog or the podcast, people often post off-topic advice requests within the common threads and his commentors take a stab at giving advice. They are generally pretty kind to anybody who doesnât curl up in a ball and repeat over and over again that nobody will love them because X (X generally being some ridiculous nothingburger of an issue like having thinning hair).
Best wishes!
Best wishes!
H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Part of the problem is you are not giving much thought to the type of woman you want. Because the list above shows that is not taken into account. If you want a biker chick then motorcycle should be number one. If you want a woman who puts a premium on your muscles then that should be number one.Since that girl broke up with me a year ago, Iâve had a streak of 1-3 dates, followed by rejection. Each time, the girl will say that I just donât do it for her, but canât describe why. Itâs just a feeling, they say vaguely.
I canât keep taking rejection from women anymore. The longer this pattern goes on, the more women keep telling me I just donât do it for them, the more I start wondering whether I do it for anyone.
I feel I do mostly the right things, I can keep a conversation going, I try not to make them uncomfortable, I keep it positive and I donât need to boast about my accomplishments.
I try my best not to look like I just want sex. I try my best to be casual and not act too desperate.
I try my best to have a positive mindset, believing this will work. But itâs hard, when I have a streak to haunt me.
Iâm not a perfect dater by any means. I canât always be high-energy and stimulating, and dramatic and exciting like an actor. Sometimes I am nervous. Sometimes I say wrong things and make women uncomfortable. But I keep learning.
But recently, I havenât been saying wrong things to make them uncomfortable.
**
It must be something very subtle Iâm doing wrong, can anyone come up with some theories of why I canât seem to get beyond 1-3 dates?**
Also, how much do these matter to women, in terms of creating the type of attraction that makes a woman want to be more than friends? (I would say sexual attraction, but CAFers might take it the wrong way.)
1) Hairstyle (Iâve been told by a friend to change it)Perhaps , but in this context it kind of seems superficial.
2) Posture (Iâve been told mine is horrible)Yes,this is important.
3) Being high-energy and stimulating, instead of quiet-confident (I canât always do this; how do people act so stimulated all the time?)From what you are wrote I would not guess that you come off any type of confident quiet or otherwise. Just be interested in others thoughts and feelings
4) Height (Iâm 5â8. Should I not bother with tall women?)THat is just silly
5) Being in the military (Iâm not)Nope, and it is odd that you would consider killing others or putting your own life at risk to make generic women like you. Donât you already have a career?
6) Having an athletic body (Iâve been told by that same friend to build muscle to look more sexually appealing)In shape is something that could be attractive to a woman but because it shows you care enough about yourself to take care of yourself
7) Tattoos (I have none)Gross
8) Smoking (How much does this matter? How about weed?)Dont do drugs or smoke. That seems pretty basic. Are you aware of how these questions come off?
9) Diet restrictions (Iâm an omnivore. Should I not bother with vegetarians? But there are so many in LA.)These type of questions show a huge self image problem. Eat what you wish and try to have some confidence in yourself, once that happens you will give off a different âvibeâ
10) Race/culture (I am Korean. Am I barking up the wrong tree by preferring white women? Are white women open to dating Asians? Should I not bother, and date within my culture to increase the odds?)Have you gotten the same responses from Asian women? Date who you are attracted to no matter the race.
11) Similarity of career (Many in LA are in entertainment. I find itâs hard to relate to their struggles, and theirs to mine. Despite their beauty, am I barking up the wrong tree? Should I not bother and seek educated professionals?)probably barking up the wrong tree.
12) Similarity of political beliefs (Iâm not always leftist, but I feel pressured to be leftist. Many women wonât date someone who is pro-life, for example. Most women in the world are pro life. I find it an incredible turn off that a potential mother supports murdering her (and your) children. Why would you want a woman like that? How much does this matter to women?)You seem to be able to change your core being and beliefs for a certain type of girl to like you. That is not attractive.
13) Exciting hobbies (Should I get a motorcycle, for example?)Do a hobby because you enjoy it.
14) Storytelling skills (I canât always come up with clever stories to tell. How much does this matter?)Yes this is a good idea. Your communication probably needs the biggest overhaul
Thanks for your thoughtful responses!
I donât mean to be harsh but just reading your post shows there is much that you are struggling with within yourself.
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Xantippe
Guest
Thatâs a very good point.
Thereâs also an old saying that you get 80% of the effect by doing 20% of the work. I would suggest figuring out what that 20% is in the areas where you are particularly weak and then playing to your strengths, rather than killing yourself trying to be something youâre not. So, if youâve got a professional job, go after professional women. If youâre musical, go after musical women. If youâre Asian, you can selectively date Asian women without looking quite as creepy as men of other races who do the same thing.
Good luck!
L
Lorelei12
Guest
Iâm sorry this didnât work out for you. You are absolutely right, that you can only be who you are. But donât think that means that âGod has closed the door on relationshipsâ. Though I think God does know when we are ready for one and can help us get there (and it is possible that you still have some work to do), it takes another person and free will to form a relationship too. It sounds like you had a couple of nice dates that just didnât work out, and thatâs okay. Dating is an exercise in patience, acceptance, and respect of others. Sometimes there are things people can do to make themselves better potential partners, and it sounds like you are working on that and itâs going well. But sometimes, regardless of the effort you make, some people just donât fit together.
Just remember that God didnât close a door; your date did. And that was her right, as it is yours when you find someone incompatible. But He can help you to become a good potential husband, so that when you do meet someone right for you, she can see it.
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Zzyzx_Road
Guest
She closed that door. But thatâs not about you, thatâs about her, that was about her frame of reference, not yours. Get out of your head, donât take it so personally.
Keep getting out of the house. Try different venues.
C
CaliLobo
Guest
Yeah but doesnât God have a hand in all things? So if a woman closes the door, that means God allowed it to happen.
I feel God has closed the door because, like in 2009 with jobs, I feel like I minimized my mistakes, dotted my Iâs and crossed my Tâs, yet still it feels like circumstances are conspiring to make things not work out. Itâs like, what else could possibly go wrong this time?
I feel God has closed the door because I believe I did the best I could with what I have at this moment, it still wasnât good enough, and I donât know what more I can possibly do.
I feel a palpable barrierâŚ
Hoosier Daddy:
I know another problem is because I am unsure spiritually. I am at a point in which Protestantism is not for me, but Catholicism isnât for me either for other reasons. I should be honest with myself and call myself an agnostic.
But the girl who rejected me yesterday is an agnostic, and most women Iâve dated are agnosticsâŚ
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
I think there are a host of large issues here but it boils down to you donât really have a grasp on yourself, your beliefs, you likes and dislikes and I am sure that comes through in not only the dating world, but other areas as well. If most women you date are agnostics perhaps they too have the same lack of definition of self that you have.
You strike me as someone who is introspective to a fault, and unsure of convictions. Navel Gazing is helpful to understand who you are, but it can be a cycle that is hard to get out of. Many philosophical types have this issue. I wish you success in the future.
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Xantippe
Guest
Maybe the agnostic women would prefer somebody with stronger beliefs?
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CaliLobo
Guest
Hoosier Daddy said:
- Iâve overpaid (just playing) my hairstylist friend to help me out with this, and Iâm glad my hairstyle isnât outdated anymore.
- I agree and I am conscious of this.
- I donât come across as any type of confident at all? Then Iâm at a loss. If this world keeps jumping to conclusions based on every little word I say, then I just canât win. I also feel like this world confuses humility with lack of confidence. Iâm a humble person. I donât need to toot my own horn all the time. Iâm humble because arrogance is a sin! But then people think I lack confidence!
- Why is this silly? Many women wonât date short men. I think those women are silly, but it is what it is.
- I do have a career. But why do many women like military men? Itâs a question worth asking.
- Iâve done a lot recently to be and feel more athletic. Swimming, did my first tri, half marathons, setting goals and achieving them. After years of feeling outcast because I wasnât a jock, I finally feel more athletic, and this issue doesnât bother me as much as it used to, thankfully.
- I donât like tattoos either, but why does everyone get them? Are tattoos attractive because they give off a certain image? Or is it more about what a tattoo means personally? Itâs a question worth asking.
- I donât know, why do you conclude my questions come off a certain way? See #3.
- Unfortunately, the veg crowd in LA makes me self-conscious. And the veg crowd might be rightâwe do eat too much meat, itâs unhealthy, and itâs cruel to animals. Iâm gaining weight, I could use a reduction of meat myself.
- Iâm mostly attracted to whites, thatâs why I asked that question.
- Agreed.
- The great majority of women believe abortion should be allowed in limited circumstances. Incest, rape, and health of mother at minimum.
- I mention motorcycle simply because itâs the cliched exciting hobby. But if they really are that dangerous, forget it.
- Communication can always be improved, I agree.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
I wish you the best.
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underacloud
Guest
Thatâs good. That means you are attractive enough for women to date you. And likeable enough to get a second date.
Stick at it.
Yep.
But it does. See above. You are getting dates and second dates. Stick at it.
Yes, dating can be like looking for a job. You go to many interviews/dates until one sticks.
Do you have a job now? If so, your own analogy is apposite. Yes it can be frustrating, but you keep trying until things work out.
PS I am 5â8ââ too. In America, you are less than 2ââ shorter than the male average, and 4ââ taller than the female average. But more importantly, you are as tall or taller than ~90% of women. Your height is not an issue.
H
HouseArrest
Guest
So the woman who it didnât work out with was Protestant and now you are not. It is a good thing you didnât end up marrying her and THEN you found out that is not the faith for you!
Maybe God is waiting until you straighten out your views before putting you in front of your wife. That isnât such a bad idea, is it?
I think youâre doing great. You are dating, the questions you asked are honest, you are thinking long and hard about a lot of things. Youâll get there.
And youâre not short. I think short starts at 5â6" and lower for men. Maybe even 5â4".
Good luck!
Maybe God is waiting until you straighten out your views before putting you in front of your wife. That isnât such a bad idea, is it?
I think youâre doing great. You are dating, the questions you asked are honest, you are thinking long and hard about a lot of things. Youâll get there.
And youâre not short. I think short starts at 5â6" and lower for men. Maybe even 5â4".
Good luck!
C
CaliLobo
Guest
I agree. Itâs clear the fact that I havenât settled my beliefs is holding me back. Suggestions?
(The diocese of Los Angeles does need a lot of work and many parishes are moribund, for lack of a better term. Is it okay to parish-shop?)
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Xantippe
Guest
Certainlyâbearing in mind that some parishes may be fussy about geographical boundaries when it comes time for weddings and such.
J
jesus_bro
Guest
Hi,
You seem to be stuck in both the problem of desperately and subconsciously trying to boost up your self esteem after that break-up and the worldly habit of dating that many of us end up forcing ourselves into despite the fact we donât really and truly enjoy it.
In either case, as a conscientious Catholic guy and as somebody who used to force myself into boldly approaching as many random women in a day as possible just to please my ego in the dating field, I feel obliged to give you the following 2 pieces of my well-intentioned advice:
By the way, Iâm telling you all this as a guy who used to be so obsessed with the whole dating thing that I eventually ended up being a mentally disordered sexual addict all thanks to forcing myself into doing someting that I didnât really and truly enjoy.
Whatâs both funny and sad in my whole story is that Iâd initially mistaken my dating and sex obsessions for my true passion. So, I ended up kind of chasing my own tail in dating for years until I got so sick and tired of it that I realized that I was really wasting my time out there all for the fact that I didnât truly enjoy the whole dating thing at all.
From the perspective of meeting women in the area of dating, the consequences of engaging in the activity of constantly forcing yourself into boldly approaching random women just to pick them up or have sex with them would be ending up in a chain of uncontrollable, self sabotaging, anxiety-driven, compulsive sexual behaviors that inevitably lead to a long term mentally disordered sexual addiction where I ended up.
And, just in case youâre not quite sure how to tell when youâre following your passion and when youâre trapped in an obsession, hereâs a quick reminder of the difference between the two.
In short, obsession is an uncontrollable, unhealthy and purely anxiety-driven behavior that naturally comes as the result of excessive anxiety, insecurity or worry, whereas passion is any enjoyable activity that you do effortlessly and anxiety-free while feeling a sense of purpose and enjoying a peace of mind.
Speaking of this worldâs temptations, Iâd like to quickly remind you of Jesusâ words of warning: âOne who is a friend of this world is the enemy of God.â
b) As the alternative to dating while wanting to find your future wife, I suggest that you redirect your focus on your true passions in life. In other words, simply try to keep yourself busy by doing only the things that make you truly happy and fulfilled. It could really be anything ranging from your favorite hobbies to starting up your dream, passion-filled online business.
Once youâre crystal clear with what your true passions are and you fully commit to pursuing them, meeting the right kind of woman around your passion-focused activities at the right place and at the right time will naturally fall into place with no dating hassle, no pressure and no anxiety at all.
God bless you!
Bruno
You seem to be stuck in both the problem of desperately and subconsciously trying to boost up your self esteem after that break-up and the worldly habit of dating that many of us end up forcing ourselves into despite the fact we donât really and truly enjoy it.
In either case, as a conscientious Catholic guy and as somebody who used to force myself into boldly approaching as many random women in a day as possible just to please my ego in the dating field, I feel obliged to give you the following 2 pieces of my well-intentioned advice:
- Whenever you get stuck in the situation of forcing yourself into doing something that you donât truly love and enjoy, stop for a second and think twice about whether doing it is really worth your time and efforts.
By the way, Iâm telling you all this as a guy who used to be so obsessed with the whole dating thing that I eventually ended up being a mentally disordered sexual addict all thanks to forcing myself into doing someting that I didnât really and truly enjoy.
Whatâs both funny and sad in my whole story is that Iâd initially mistaken my dating and sex obsessions for my true passion. So, I ended up kind of chasing my own tail in dating for years until I got so sick and tired of it that I realized that I was really wasting my time out there all for the fact that I didnât truly enjoy the whole dating thing at all.
From the perspective of meeting women in the area of dating, the consequences of engaging in the activity of constantly forcing yourself into boldly approaching random women just to pick them up or have sex with them would be ending up in a chain of uncontrollable, self sabotaging, anxiety-driven, compulsive sexual behaviors that inevitably lead to a long term mentally disordered sexual addiction where I ended up.
And, just in case youâre not quite sure how to tell when youâre following your passion and when youâre trapped in an obsession, hereâs a quick reminder of the difference between the two.
In short, obsession is an uncontrollable, unhealthy and purely anxiety-driven behavior that naturally comes as the result of excessive anxiety, insecurity or worry, whereas passion is any enjoyable activity that you do effortlessly and anxiety-free while feeling a sense of purpose and enjoying a peace of mind.
- As an experienced Catholic man, Iâd suggest that you avoid engaging in the area of dating as your strategy to find your future wife for two good reasons:
Speaking of this worldâs temptations, Iâd like to quickly remind you of Jesusâ words of warning: âOne who is a friend of this world is the enemy of God.â
b) As the alternative to dating while wanting to find your future wife, I suggest that you redirect your focus on your true passions in life. In other words, simply try to keep yourself busy by doing only the things that make you truly happy and fulfilled. It could really be anything ranging from your favorite hobbies to starting up your dream, passion-filled online business.
Once youâre crystal clear with what your true passions are and you fully commit to pursuing them, meeting the right kind of woman around your passion-focused activities at the right place and at the right time will naturally fall into place with no dating hassle, no pressure and no anxiety at all.
God bless you!
Bruno
S
Sarcelle
Guest
There is no requirement to be in a romantic relationship with someone who you do not find attractive. The risk is even if you find that certain someone attractive, they may not find you attractive. That is the risk. There are no guarantees.
I
Irishmom2
Guest
jesus_bro,
Welcome to the forums!
I have seen you post on a few very old threads that have not been active in several years. The mods do not like old threads resurrected. Sometimes, the OP has moved on, and it can be a waste of time for people to all post new replies when the problem is long gone, as is the OP. There are rules for posting, you may want to take a peek at them, as well as choose a current thread instead of searching by topic and not looking at the date.
Welcome to the forums!
I have seen you post on a few very old threads that have not been active in several years. The mods do not like old threads resurrected. Sometimes, the OP has moved on, and it can be a waste of time for people to all post new replies when the problem is long gone, as is the OP. There are rules for posting, you may want to take a peek at them, as well as choose a current thread instead of searching by topic and not looking at the date.
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