A
Aniela
Guest
Sorry for the ramblings but…
I grew up Catholic and not the cafeteria Catholic kind of way. My mom was very religious so she dragged me to Mass weekly and made me study religion daily. I had never felt very spiritual but went to mass for my mother. I tried my best to be good so that I was not damned…just in case! College started and I drifted away slowly. I still went to mass but it seemed more like a chore than anything. I tried to read up on the religion to help strengthen my faith but it only drove me farther from it. I started to notice all the holes and stopped going to mass towards the end of my college career (Fall 2008). My Catholic guilt bothered me for a year but eventually I was a happy agnostic (more apathetic than anything) without a care in the world. I did whatever made me happy. I read up on some of Richard Dawkins (such a bitter man!) and he made some sense. I decided that perhaps I was truly atheist. I didn’t care much for religion. It seemed corrupted. I felt like I was too intelligent to believe in God anymore. It didn’t seem logical and the history of the Church seemed to be filled with lies.
Soon after this, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a mastectomy on both breasts and is doing chemo right now. She is still alive but it is making me see that we do live mortal lives. This got me really thinking about life, death, and the purpose of existence. I have cried uncontrollably because at this point in my life I feel utterly lost. I had never stopped to think about it all. I would just live. I lived a life where I only thought about myself. Sure, I gave occasionally and treated most people well…but I gave because I had no use for the items, and I treated only those I liked with respect.
I spent several nights miserable. I looked at the world and I thought that our existence was a cosmic mistake. A joke! We were born, live pointless lives and we die. After we die we can only hope that we are remembered but even that is temporary. I thought religion was only made up so that weak-minded people could convince themselves that they matter. I cried and was depressed. I realized my life had lost meaning and purpose. I questioned who I was and cried at the thought that “I” am really just complicated brain waves. And that “I” really don’t exist in the way that I think.
I wasn’t ready to believe that I was nothing. I felt like I was something more and perhaps there was a God. I recalled in my childhood all the creepy things that happened in my teens that would go unexplained. One particular year, I had a run in with a spirit in a dream. I remember nothing from the conversation other than I questioned where he came from. He didn’t give me any solid answer other than to pick up a certain book. His instructions were very specific like page number, paragraph, line, etc. I remember waking up, getting this book (which was in no way a religious book and I had never read it). The word was “God.” I freaked out and couldn’t sleep the rest of the night. I had no idea who the spirit was. Right now it seems like it never happened but I know it did!
Two nights ago, I accepted that there is a God and my worries subsided. I actually felt like I knew what life was all about. I felt different. It lasted for about a day and then the doubt returned. I feel like I am slowly making my way out of this hole I have put myself in but not really.
Right now I keep going back and forth with confusion. On one hand, it seems too good to be true that there is a God who loves me. That I should be logical and accept that God just isn’t there. When I am in this state, I feel suicidal and alone. I mean if life is pointless, why suffer and wait around to die? Why not throw yourself into non-existence now? I feel miserable in this state and I keep myself from doing anything drastic by finding small things to look forward to like CDs that are coming out soon that I really want to hear.
On the other hand, I refuse to accept that I am simply a mistake. I feel alive…not a collection of cells. I feel like there is a God and He is trying to help me. I feel different in this state. Like the world is messed up but that I can make a difference. I feel more loving and genuinely want to do God’s will. Not because of the fear of hell but because I want to do His will. I feel like nothing in the world matters except for treating others well. Money… possessions… none of it really matters in the end.
But then the doubt comes in to strike me down. It tells me that I shouldn’t believe in fairy tales and that science and history are proving that it is all lies. But yet…I have a glimmer of hope in that the world is not what it seems. Like…many of those that doubt in God’s existence are missing the point.
Anyway, I am writing this for help. I am weak and lost. I want to find my way back home to the Church but I do not know where to start. I do not want to go to the priest of the local parish. He was one of the biggest reasons I stopped attending mass. He spoke of consequences rather than love. I tried to go to the church to pray but the doors are locked.
I grew up Catholic and not the cafeteria Catholic kind of way. My mom was very religious so she dragged me to Mass weekly and made me study religion daily. I had never felt very spiritual but went to mass for my mother. I tried my best to be good so that I was not damned…just in case! College started and I drifted away slowly. I still went to mass but it seemed more like a chore than anything. I tried to read up on the religion to help strengthen my faith but it only drove me farther from it. I started to notice all the holes and stopped going to mass towards the end of my college career (Fall 2008). My Catholic guilt bothered me for a year but eventually I was a happy agnostic (more apathetic than anything) without a care in the world. I did whatever made me happy. I read up on some of Richard Dawkins (such a bitter man!) and he made some sense. I decided that perhaps I was truly atheist. I didn’t care much for religion. It seemed corrupted. I felt like I was too intelligent to believe in God anymore. It didn’t seem logical and the history of the Church seemed to be filled with lies.
Soon after this, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a mastectomy on both breasts and is doing chemo right now. She is still alive but it is making me see that we do live mortal lives. This got me really thinking about life, death, and the purpose of existence. I have cried uncontrollably because at this point in my life I feel utterly lost. I had never stopped to think about it all. I would just live. I lived a life where I only thought about myself. Sure, I gave occasionally and treated most people well…but I gave because I had no use for the items, and I treated only those I liked with respect.
I spent several nights miserable. I looked at the world and I thought that our existence was a cosmic mistake. A joke! We were born, live pointless lives and we die. After we die we can only hope that we are remembered but even that is temporary. I thought religion was only made up so that weak-minded people could convince themselves that they matter. I cried and was depressed. I realized my life had lost meaning and purpose. I questioned who I was and cried at the thought that “I” am really just complicated brain waves. And that “I” really don’t exist in the way that I think.
I wasn’t ready to believe that I was nothing. I felt like I was something more and perhaps there was a God. I recalled in my childhood all the creepy things that happened in my teens that would go unexplained. One particular year, I had a run in with a spirit in a dream. I remember nothing from the conversation other than I questioned where he came from. He didn’t give me any solid answer other than to pick up a certain book. His instructions were very specific like page number, paragraph, line, etc. I remember waking up, getting this book (which was in no way a religious book and I had never read it). The word was “God.” I freaked out and couldn’t sleep the rest of the night. I had no idea who the spirit was. Right now it seems like it never happened but I know it did!
Two nights ago, I accepted that there is a God and my worries subsided. I actually felt like I knew what life was all about. I felt different. It lasted for about a day and then the doubt returned. I feel like I am slowly making my way out of this hole I have put myself in but not really.
Right now I keep going back and forth with confusion. On one hand, it seems too good to be true that there is a God who loves me. That I should be logical and accept that God just isn’t there. When I am in this state, I feel suicidal and alone. I mean if life is pointless, why suffer and wait around to die? Why not throw yourself into non-existence now? I feel miserable in this state and I keep myself from doing anything drastic by finding small things to look forward to like CDs that are coming out soon that I really want to hear.
On the other hand, I refuse to accept that I am simply a mistake. I feel alive…not a collection of cells. I feel like there is a God and He is trying to help me. I feel different in this state. Like the world is messed up but that I can make a difference. I feel more loving and genuinely want to do God’s will. Not because of the fear of hell but because I want to do His will. I feel like nothing in the world matters except for treating others well. Money… possessions… none of it really matters in the end.
But then the doubt comes in to strike me down. It tells me that I shouldn’t believe in fairy tales and that science and history are proving that it is all lies. But yet…I have a glimmer of hope in that the world is not what it seems. Like…many of those that doubt in God’s existence are missing the point.
Anyway, I am writing this for help. I am weak and lost. I want to find my way back home to the Church but I do not know where to start. I do not want to go to the priest of the local parish. He was one of the biggest reasons I stopped attending mass. He spoke of consequences rather than love. I tried to go to the church to pray but the doors are locked.
