Roman Catholic marrying an Atheist

[Bezant]

As usual when questions on interfaith marriage surface to the forums, the responses vary between (and most of the time, closer to) “it’s a recipe for disaster” or “convert” (although since you are already baptised, that would be weird) and “it worked for us.”

To your credit, at least you’re having frank conversations about your future instead of leaping forward bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed, hoping everything will sort itself out later. (That would be disastrous). In addition to your mutual respect, your common upbringing might tip the odds in your favour as well. Ultimately, no one can predict with certainty where any hypothetical marriage will end up – even the most evenly-yoked, responsible Catholic couples may part ways due to unforseen changes that happen later on.

My advice is that you keep up the open-minded exchange, but be aware of your own limits. I also suggest discussing these questions, if you haven’t already asked them:

What do your parents and siblings think about interfaith marriage? Hers?

Would they support or undermine your parenting with their religious views or lifestyles?

How would you react if your parents/siblings, or hers, used your children as an “incentive”
to bring you back to the Church?

Are both of you willing to respect Catholic sexual ethics?

How would she react if her children later became atheists?

Are you comfortable being the only atheist in your immediate, practising Catholic family?

 

[BettyBoop416]

Perhaps there are no children in your case?

Three children, all young adults now. Two are practicing Catholics, although I can’t really attest to the “depth” of their Catholicism. The other one will attend Mass on holidays or if he is home to visit, but I wouldn’t really say he is practicing in any meaningful way. Before everyone starts blaming this on my non-believing husband, I am one of five siblings. Both of my parents are what you could call “strong” Catholics. Of all my siblings, I am the only one who ever sets foot in a Church anymore.

When we were contemplating marriage, my then future husband agreed that he would not interfere with my raising the children in the Church. He even agreed that, for the sake of family unity, he would attend Sunday Mass with me and send the children to Catholic schools. The one thing he said he would not do, however, is lie to the kids about the fact that he, himself, did not believe. He didn’t make a grand issue of it, of course, but when the kids started getting older they recognized that his approach to the Church was different than mine. When they questioned him about it, he gave them truthful, straightforward, age-appropriate answers.

So, in my experience, a mixed marriage like mine can work. I will admit, however, that if he was a crazy, in-your-face, fire breathing atheist who’s entire life revolved around his atheism, or if I was a crazy, in-your-face, fire breathing Catholic who’s entire life revolved around my Catholicism, it probably wouldn’t have worked.

 

[Captain_America]

Just a note to OP:

You might want to be polite and capitalize the word “God” otherwise it can be taken to mean a slight or offense or dismissive thing. After all, God is the most important thing in many people’s life.

 

[sw85]

My girlfriend believes in god; I do not. We’ve always been very respectful of our respective beliefs. We were both baptised as Roman Catholics and raised in Roman Catholic families.

As a Roman Catholic woman, you have a responsibility to marry someone of faith, to grow spiritually with them in marriage and to raise your children as Roman Catholics. I understand what it would mean for her to marry a non-believer and to forgo the spiritual dimension of a marriage with this person. I appreciate her willingness to do so. Conversely, she understands how disconcerting it would be for me to make religious vows before God in a church ceremony and to partake in future religious responsibilities. She appreciates my willingness to do so.

What has been challenging is the topic of children. Understandably, she cannot imagine a scenario where children are not raised as Roman Catholics. She worries about the divided message a believer and a non-believer would send their children (as opposed to parents of two different faiths, but faiths nonetheless). She doesn’t expect me to attend church on Sundays or to actively cultivate the children’s faith in God but a vocal non-believer could negate her efforts to do so no matter how respectful and supportive dad is of mom’s beliefs. One option is for dad not to be vocal on this topic. I’m not opposed to children being raised with Roman Catholic values but I would hate to lie to them about my beliefs. Another option is not to have children.

I would appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut or advice you could offer. Do you have any experience with this as a parent or child? Thank you for your insight.

There are plenty of studies showing that the father’s religious behavior predicts children’s future religious sensibilities far more so than the mother’s. So, even if you keep your mouth shut on the topic forever, the mere fact that you do not join in at prayer time, attend Mass with the family, etc., may contribute heavily to their own future irreligion and your wife’s great personal distress. In Catholic theology, this makes sense – the father represents divine justice and headship to the family and acts as ruler of the domestic church that is the home; he sets an example for the rest of the family to follow. There are exceptions to the rule, of course, but we call them exceptions because they are, well, exceptional.

I am not sure why your girlfriend wants to marry a non-Catholic if she is a committed Catholic; frankly I don’t understand the mindset that would compel such a decision. But she must have her reasons so you might do well to ask her about them instead of us. Ask her, flat out, why she wants to marry someone who doesn’t share her faith if she expects her children to grow up in that faith.

 

[Kal2012]

Contrary to what these well meaning people have been saying, as one who is married to a non-believer, I can honestly say that my marriage has been great. While the posters above are pointing out some very real potential bumps in the road, each situation is different. Before I got married I was subjected to warning after warning about marrying a non-Catholic. Looking back, I am SO glad I took the road that I did. There is not a Catholic man in the world for whom I would trade my husband.

Honestly, a lot of us have spouses who are unbelievers or agnostic. My husband converted to Catholicism, then decided he was an atheist (yeah, that was a shocker), now he considers himself agnostic. Faith just isn’t important to him.

He is “Catholic” in that if he ever goes to church, then he’d never go to a Protestant church. Never. And he wants our son to have Christian values because they are “good values”.

That said, I’m the one who takes our son to Mass and made sure that he’s enrolled in Catholic education.

Ironically, because of my husband, I became a Catholic - and love it!

There are challenges being married to a non-Catholic/Christian. Sometimes, it’s really lonely. Sometimes, God amazes you w/a huge amount of grace and understanding for the other person.

 

[Geo17]

I agree with sw85, In my house, growing up, my father was supposed to be Catholic. But he almost never went to church. Consequentially, me and my mother almost never went neither. Nor was God ever discussed in my house. His attitude towards God and church always made me feel confused. God was a taboo topic while he was home. I guess the best word for his attitude about God, is childish. For a man. God was for women and small kids. It’s a small wonder I became atheistic at 18. It’s also a shame that by the time God found me, my father had died. So I never found out what his problem was with God.

I think it’s very important a married couple both believe in God. Unless they don’t want children. Then it shouldn’t be a big deal.

But IMO couples like my parents helped screw up kids, who then helped screw up this country. But it’s just my opinion.

 

[Midwest88]

But IMO couples like my parents helped screw up kids, who then helped screw up this country. But it’s just my opinion.

Can you expand on this, please.

 

[Bezant]

There are plenty of studies showing that the father’s religious behavior predicts children’s future religious sensibilities far more so than the mother’s.

Not what I would expect, looking at the male-to-female ratio in most parishes or even non-Christian communities.

 

[Della]

Not what I would expect, looking at the male-to-female ratio in most parishes or even non-Christian communities.

Which may help to explain why many teens leave the Church after graduating from high school. If the father isn’t interested they figure it’s just a “woman thing” that they can leave behind now that they are men. Sad, isn’t it?

 

[PennyinCanada]

Nothing can replace a husband and father that kneels with his children at their bedside to pray before going to bed. A father that stands in line to go to confession, that goes to church and kneels. That teaches the kids the sign of the Cross, that shuts off the tv and pulls out a rosary. A father that can teach his children the faith. Let’s have a look for a moment at this page of virtues…vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s1c1a7.htm

Perhaps prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance are not things discussed outside the Catholic world, but I think you can agree that knowing these, putting them into practice, can serve a person well their whole life. Fathers must know what chastity is, modesty, the dignity of human life, and impart that to their children from the earliest years.

Catholic fathers have huge shoes to fill. Her children deserve to have such a father, and what an awesome man to have as a husband! I would love that you were that man for her today! As you can see, “I will support my wife in her practice of the faith” is a very far cry from actually being a Catholic man! God bless you.

 

[Geo17]

Can you expand on this, please.

I’m not sure what you want me to expand on? I also think PennyinCanada already expanded on it. However, I seem to remember I wanted my father’s name for my confirmation name. I was too young, because I can barely recall this. I’m pretty sure I meant this as a compliment to my father. But I think that meant he had to come up on the alter with me. It started a war in my house. My father was so angry over this, I couldn’t understand why. But I still wanted his name. Luckily I had an older cousin with the same name, and my cousin was there, so I guess he came up with me. That defeated the whole purpose of my choosing that name. My father was so angry at me after that for so long, that the whole period of time is a blank in my memory. I can’t even remember when he was nice to me again. But it never lasted long anymore for the rest of his life. He screwed my head up by never having a good opinion of me. So I didn’t have a good opinion of me neither. But I wasn’t a bad kid, he just made me feel like I was. And at 18 I proceeded to act as 1 until he died when I was 23. Five years later either I went looking for God or He came to get me. I used to belong to Him. It was still a mess. My father was supposed to be Catholic, because all his brothers were and his parents too. I don’t know what his problem was with God. But it became a problem he had with me when I wanted his name. I thought I was doing a good thing. I thought it would make us closer. It should have if he lived even half the faith he was raised with.

 

[KaraGordon]

There are challenges being married to a non-Catholic/Christian. Sometimes, it’s really lonely. Sometimes, God amazes you w/a huge amount of grace and understanding for the other person.

Be careful classifying an Agnostic as “Christian.” Please.

Not everything that is “not Catholic” is the same thing. Atheists and Christians have more in common with each other than either have with Agnostics.

 

[FirstName_LastN]

Update: We ended our relationship. After extensive discussions, I didn’t think our marriage was going to work.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Thank you for returning and giving us an update.

It is difficult now, but in the long run it allows you both to find a more compatible life partner.
I went through the same thing some time back, and it was a good decision.
God bless and guide you on your journey.