Hi Iwillrisenow,
No, I am not being led by ideas of worldly success and prestige as the leading thing for decision making for a marriage partner, there can be so much more in a person, than that. I think you might be also generalizing about successful people, I consider myself such, I started with very little and I had to build it bit by bit, my education, my career, it has cost me a lot of efforts and deprivation and I definitely and certainly want to use everything I have and have achieved for my future family.
What I mentioned about being a woman and supporting him has a slightly different nuance here, because I am 34 and would like to have children soon, I would probably not have a full maternity leave, since I would have just recently started work in Australia. Also it troubles me, that I am a foreigner and my prospects are insecure, it is a big responsibility for me to take charge as someone, who is not established in this country and be the provider, knowing that everything depends on me and there is noone to rely on.
Also there is a very big question of trust. Because for him I know (he admitted it) that he has been in a relationship of convenience (the woman had an apartment, where he lived), they were helping each other, he says, when all romantic relationship between them was over and he gave her up, because his parents did not approve and she got sick. I am concerned if he is purely led by feelings in this case or is again opportunistic and looking also for some support? There is another thing, which is quite suspicious and unattractive for most women - he was very fast in explanations in love (acting desperate), he mentioned that for most women he does look really attractive right now, while he is a student and I am concerned if he does not hold on to me due to the lack of other choices rather than having selected me (may be it is my pride and vanity, but I need to feel special :-(.
About the wealthy family - it depends on the family, some make their children quite independent and teach them how to climb the ladder from the first step, some retard their children and they become lazy, because they are confident they can rely on somebody. His parents are not helping him actively, but his lack of planning is largely due to reliance on them in the longer term.
With regards to money - it is not the lack of them, which concerns me most, but the general attitude, for instance he worked on a project and then spent absolutely everything on a 2 months pilgrimage, whatever comes in, goes out immediately.
**Oh dear. Did he have debt at the time, because if so, that’s terrible.
Definitely encourage him to do a budget and financial planning. It’s one thing to acquire a financial dependent. It’s quite another thing to acquire a financial dependent with a spending problem. And it’s actually even worse if his spending is on “holy” things–how do you argue with that without sounding petty and materialistic? **
This is not quite conductive for a family and I have a very different mind set - I appreciate spend on investments like house and education, but don’t like waste - like spending money on unnecessary expenses. I am concerned that his background lures him into thinking that he can afford the same life style as his parents, even though his finances are tight and also that he would be left with nothing at the end of the day even if he had a much higher income, just because he has not learned so far money management.
Yes.
There is also another, more selfish thing, I admit it (I am imperfect), which is - I started from a situation with every moderate means, I did not have any connections to help me and was able to build a career and financial stability and now I am asked to throw all my achievements away and to start from scratch. It is not that poverty scares me so much, but the feeling that everything I have invested and done so far is going wasted.
And it is quite hard for someone, who has pulled herself out of … misery, let’s say, to voluntarily and in full conscience dive into it again, not just accept it if it happens as a consequence of circumstances beyond my influence.
**
Right.
That’s just basic psychology–it’s just really hard to go backwards.
And less “selfishly,” that situation of privation would be what you would be handing to your children, perhaps unnecessarily.
I strongly suspect that you can get a man with your boyfriend’s particular weaknesses in your home country, without travelling thousands of miles and giving up your career and home to do so. The reason he looks special to you is that you aren’t together.
**
And I can tell you, there are a lot of good deeds one can perform with money for others and also when one has a position in society it can be used for the benefit of others. It is a significant sacrifice, that is required from me, it would be quite different if he were to come here and I would support him and share with him everything I have, but he also has his prestigious master degree now and does not want to sacrifice that, because that gives him good prospects for the future and I understand that. It is quite a dilemma…
A master’s degree shouldn’t take a long time.
I would need more time for a firm decision on all that, I read St. Ignatius on the discernment of the spirits and decision making - I am definitely in a state of desolation now, feeling deep hesitation and uncertainty about this choice. And I would never marry someone unless and until I am absolutely confident about this decision, otherwise my vows would be a lie before God.
Very good!
Everyone, I would appreciate your prayers to take the God inspired decision eventually!
Thank you so much for your support!
