Rudeness factor: When are you having kids? or Are you done having kids yet?

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Armor_of_Light

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The thread going right now about the people pestering the couple about when they were going to have kids (even though they want to and are having problems) has me wondering which is considered more rude and insensitive. That is ASSUMING that these 2 questions CAN BE sometimes rude and insensitive. I know that is not the case in all instances.

I think it is more rude to ask “Are you done having kids yet?” I have been asked both questions.
 
For me, those questions are no where near as rude as ,
"Married over 20 years and you have no children?
You must be one of those liberal Catholics! " :rolleyes:

Yes, I have actually had people say this to me, and also say, "well, if you ***really wanted ***a baby, it would happen, implying that I was “selfish” for not having any children.

Bottom line, mine & my husbands fertility is NO ONE ELSE’S BUSINESS!!!
 
I think there’s a general problem of people poking their noses in other people’s business and making assumptions! For example, the thread made me think of my own personal annoyance - “Why aren’t you married/dating yet? You must be one of those liberal feminists.” There’s really no way to win.
 
My close friends are expecting their seventh child. Her most hated question that people ask her is, “You DO know how that happens, right?” As if each of her kids were an accident or something. She knows they are just trying to be funny, but she hates that question.
 
Oneofthewomen said:
Bottom line, mine & my husbands fertility is NO ONE ELSE’S BUSINESS!!!
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This. Or rather, it’s only the business of those we choose to involve and not that of those who choose to involve themselves in it.

So any questions pertaining to this topic are equally and horribly rude. I am fortunate in that in my parish, large families are praised and childless couples are prayed for. No further commentary regarding either. The world outside the parish, however… 🤷
 
As a part of life I don’t know what can be gained by dwelling on others’ insensitivity or rudeness, frankly.
 
I find it funny when people just assume having kids is like baking bread.

We have both extremes in my family. I have 2 sisters who can’t have kids. Then there is my other sister who has 8 and us, 6 not counting a couple of miscarriages.

There are soooo many factors as to why a family ends up the way it does that the comments people make about family sizes are just comical at this point. I don’t find it to be rude because the people making the comments aren’t intending it most of the time.

If my wife had HORRIBLE pregnancies, I can guarantee we would have a smaller family. My mom teaches NFP and we know it well, we are just blessed on the health front to be able to be wide open to life.

We have a couple of adoptions in our extended family, I’ve always had that desire. We’ll see.
 
Ophelia23 said:
“You DO know how that happens, right?” As if each of her kids were an accident or something. She knows they are just trying to be funny, but she hates that question.
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The proper response is “Yes, and as you can see, we’re quite good at it.”
 
Since sex and procreation are now far removed, I think people forget what they are actually commenting on is your sex life.

I remember Fr. Benedict Groeshel once saying, “First people wanted to have sex without babies, now they want to have babies without sex.”
 
]A good friend of mine being tired of being asked when are you going to have children,
why don’t you have any, any variance of that started to say…

“Why do you ask?”
That put the ball back in their court.
She said its worked every time; people realized it was really a personal question that was none of their business.
 
I’ve gotten used to the questions, actually… and I really don’t mind answering!
I often get, “Oh, you have 2 of each - how perfect - now you’re done!”

I normally respond
“We love the craziness of a big family - actually we’d love more someday!”
or
“Eh, we’ll see… I’m always open to having more if things work out down the road!”

Usually people are pretty shocked, but I’ve never had a negative comeback when I respond really cheerfully and smile.
 
I think it’s more rude to pester a childless couple, or one who has one child who is a few years old (where is number two!?). That can hit a really painful nerve - one of infertility or pregnancy loss, versus just bugging an obviously fertile couple.
 
I have gotten both questions. I used to think it was a normal question, then during my conversion I started to feel annoyed by the questions, and now I have started to enjoy answering those questions. Honest, cheerful, humorous answers tends to surprise and charm people, stranger or close acquaintance. They tend to go “huh, I have never thought of it that way…” and then go on to describe their family planning thoughts or strategy. It often leads to a nice conversation where we open up to each other and drop our armor and get to know each other’s perspective and trials and whatnot.
I find that they ask me the personal question, but then they share far more personal details with me than I do with them, especially when they realize I like to hear their stories. Human beings are, by our nature, very curious and we love storytelling. Telling our own story, and hearing others’ stories is very cathartic.
So I guess I think we should try not to be put off or perceive rudeness where none is usually meant. People don’t want to hear about your sex life, really they don’t. What they want to know is, are you hoping, planning, trying, expecting a little bundle of joy soon? They want to share your happiness, or marvel at your crazy sense of bravery! Take it as a compliment. Only people who hate you or don’t care at all about you would neglect to ask you these personal questions. To those who muster the courage to ask, it should be obvious that something about you is intriguing and interesting. It is a good opportunity to witness.
 
One more thought…we truly do live in a culture of death. But these questions, IMO show a longing people are grappling with. They long for the culture of life. They look for signs of such, without realizing what they are looking for, and they are attracted to these topics of conversation, and to people with whom they feel they can have these conversations with. It is not always going to be tactful or respectful of privacy, no.
But I have made it a point, in conversations with strangers or acquaintances to be an open book. I admit my past contraceptive usage, my one-time fear of pregnancy, my change of heart, my pain that accompanied my miscarriages, my joy at having healthy full-term babies, and so on. When people find that I have experienced pain and shame and fear and joy, just like themselves, they discover that it is okay for them to be open about their secrets. Too many women have lived with secret pain over abortion, ectopic pregnancies, stillbirths, miscarriages, infertility issues, etc.
Our openness and solicitousness can help them unpack their private grief a bit. It makes me so happy when a woman feels safe with me to admit what haunts or hurts her. She seems less guarded and more at peace after telling her story.
That is one way we Catholics can contribute to cultivating a culture of life.
 
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