sad this morning....

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TravisandJill

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This morning I caught my DH looking at porn, and I am very hurt. I would have never thought he would do this. When I asked him what he was looking at on his phone he lied to me…then I told him I saw him looking at a picture so he finally admitted it. I thenasked him how much he looks at porn and he said at least 3 days a week.😦 I cant block the internet because he looks at it on his blackberry phone…and he needs the internet on there for work.

I just dont know how I can trust him now, especially since he can view porn anytime on his phone.

DH and I have been married 7 years, he is 27 and I am 26. We have 2 children and are all being baptised and joining the church on easter (sooner for the kids).

Now I feel that DH may be hiding other things from me as well. I dont trust him at all. I feel so hurt that he lied that I am not even sure if I want to get our marriage validated in the church after we join…I am not sure I even want to be married to him anymore
 
I’m so sorry. 😦 I know others will have great advice, so for now I’ll just offer a prayer for you and your marriage and family… :crossrc: :hug1:
 
I’m so sorry. I will pray for you–I don’t have much advice on this, but will keep praying.

Just as an aside…if your dh’s employer pays for his use of that blackberry, and they catch that he has been viewing porn sites via the net…using their server…it’s a fireable thing. I remember years ago, when I worked elsewhere, there was a guy in the office viewing porn, and he was fired over it. Obviously you both need to get to the root of the problem of why he is choosing to view it, and the immoral aspects of it–but if it’s company property–he can be fired over it. That might be another angle to approach him with, as well.

So sorry!!!😦
 
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  • Greg and Lisa Popcheck coucil people (12:00-1:00PM EST)
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Call in at 1-877-573-7825 for initial discussion. This issue is discussed often and there is a lot of help there for you.

They can get you started.

Regards
 
Lots of people struggle with this…lots. It is like any other sin. It hurts as a wife, but finding out about it mean you have the opportunity to help your husband conquer this sin.

I’m glad to hear you talked about it with him right away. Encourage him to go to confession. Also, talk to each other about what you need to do to help him with this. This could be at worst, an addiction and if it is that needs to be addressed. It could be something that you can work on together.

I recomend the monitiring service SafeEyes. I don’t know how that works with a Blackberry, but it could be worth looking into.

Pray for him even though you are hurting too.
God bless you.

Feel free to pm me if you’d like.
 
Jill, don’t blow this outta proportion. I wouldn’t jump up and leave and desolve a marriage, and place 2 kids without a fulltime father because he looks at porn on his BB, it doesn’t mean he loves you any less.

He is only 27, and without knowing where he comes from it is hard to know big a problem he might have. He is maturing as a man as he enters his late 20s. Perhaps he lead a secular life before he met ya, and really didn’t think viewing porn was all that bad, and still has lingering effects from those days.

Perhaps he has too much time on his hands?

But for sure he has a problem that needs to be addressed.

Is this a company phone, with them paying the fees? If so I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate him using the phone for such activities. Many companies have IT guys and that is their JOB, to monitor such things.

If it is his personal phone, then I’ll leave it to y’all to on how to handle it. Pehaps you should be more proactive, and inspect the phones browser history at random times. But that is outside the focus of this thread.

When it comes to sex and women, the visual is hard wired into men. It is hard for women to fully grasp how powerful it is. Feeding into it only makes it worse.

Talk to him about why you don’t him looking at porn, and then move the converation into the spritual side. About how it really is the work of the devil, and he’ll use any all means to get your soul. He has NO rules, anything and everything is on the table.

Don’t write him off based on what we have here. I don’t know enough to tell y’all what to do next, but I’m thinking between God, you, and him, you can fix this.
 
cathyt said:
Lots of people struggle with this…lots. It is like any other sin. It hurts as a wife, but finding out about it mean you have the opportunity to help your husband conquer this sin.

I’m glad to hear you talked about it with him right away. Encourage him to go to confession. Also, talk to each other about what you need to do to help him with this. This could be at worst, an addiction and if it is that needs to be addressed. It could be something that you can work on together.

I recomend the monitiring service SafeEyes. I don’t know how that works with a Blackberry, but it could be worth looking into.

Pray for him even though you are hurting too.
God bless you.

Feel free to pm me if you’d like.
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Can my husband even go to confession? He was baptised and raised protestant christian and is in RCIA to become catholic.
 
Can my husband even go to confession? He was baptised and raised protestant christian and is in RCIA to become catholic.
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No he can’t. Advise the pastor where you are being instructed and tell him y’all have a personal problem to discuss, if y’all decide to take this outside your home. Other options might be a secular proffessional in family counseling.

I’d see if the probem could be overcome on more personal level first.
 
Bless Your Heart, dear. You are in my prayers.

Before you do anything rash, spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament. You don’t have to be a Catholic yet to head to the church and sit in Adoration if you are blessed to have it or just in front of the tabernacle. Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance on how to handle this. Jesus is a marvelous example of loving in spite of sin – He will be there to comfort and guide you.

Your husband stumbled and fell. Yes, he betrayed you, and yes, you will have difficulty trusting him in all matters. But, this too can be overcome. Place your trust in God, and pray pray pray pray! Pray to St. Monica for her intercession, ask our Blessed Mother for her prayers too. Tell your husband you are praying for him. Make sure he understands the gravity of what he has done to you. I might seem impossible right now, but forgiveness is key in a situation like this. Keep praying on that!

Unfortunately, you can’t be his mother. If he is prevented from viewing it because you “blocked” it, the addiction will still be there. He has to be the one to decide to eliminate it from his life.

I am praying for you all!
 
Look you guys are 20 somthing… right? Porn has been around all of your life and been easily available. Secular society and even many protestant groups don’t see it as strongly as many here on this board do. I’ve seen Churches promoting it was “Martial Enhancers”

It’s not the end of the world, it’s a sin though.

Also remember what the definition of porn is, it’s anything that is intended to get you aroused outside of martial relations. Thus some of the TV shows we watch or books people read are considered porn by the Church - “Disparate Housewives”? - definitely. People don’t bring that up much on this board, it’s usually - husband looks at a nude picture so he’s an addict and you should leave him. That’s not reality.

My suggestion - ask him why he is looking at it 3 times a week? Is ti because you guys don’t spend enough time “together”? Ask him if that would make a difference (I’m guessing yes). Not being together enough though IS NOT your fault - make that clear. It’s both of your faults (men tend not to think this way even though it’s true). Tell him that you don’t want him feeling like he has to do that thus you guys need to sit down together and figure out how you can spend more time together. Make him step up to the plate.

IMHO most men view porn because they are lazy in one way or another. They don’t want to get turned down or have to beg if their spouse is too tired so they just watch porn instead.

Communication and spending time together (sometimes just watching a movie) is the best way to combat this. Will he check out a picture of a naked woman from time to time? Yea probably, he is a guy right? Dose that mean he doesn’t love you? or dosen’t find you attractive etc? NOT AT ALL.

Don’t buy into the fallacy that some people promote - just because a man looks at another women in no way means he doesn’t love his wife, find her attractive and even find her more attractive than the person in the picture or movie. The latest trend is what porn is selling tells another story…

Just stuff to think about…

This is my standard message on these threads… talk!

IMHO you did the exact right thing by confronting him. Continue that by working with him to find out why he looks and work on spending more time together. (difficult with kids I know :)) I will agree with some of the harsher people on their board that 3 times a week sounds excessive and could be “addiction” (dare I say the word) but probably not…

Talk, talk talk… and pray pray pray 🙂 and I believe this will work itself out. Most importantly, don’t let his sin hurt your self esteem. You are a mother and a wife, 2 of the greatest things ever.

Joe
 
I feel for you.

If the blackberry is owned by the company he works for…

I have a family member who worked his way up to a management position in a national company, was trusted, liked, sent all over to do his job because they knew that if he did it it would be done right. They caught him downloading porn and he was fired on the spot. So don’t let him tell you it can’t happen to him.

Other than that, pray for him and I’ll pray for you both. It’s a tough thing to deal with.

Ruthie
 
jwashu said:
My suggestion - ask him why he is looking at it 3 times a week? Is ti because you guys don’t spend enough time “together”? Ask him if that would make a difference (I’m guessing yes). Not being together enough though IS NOT your fault - make that clear. It’s both of your faults (men tend not to think this way even though it’s true). Tell him that you don’t want him feeling like he has to do that thus you guys need to sit down together and figure out how you can spend more time together. Make him step up to the plate.
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It is both thier faults that he looks at porn? :rolleyes: My husband used to have a problem with porn, and we were “together” nearly everyday sometimes more than once in a day.

Men are very visual, and porn has been so normalized and easy to access in today’s society. It is a huge problem. It also is very addictive. As much as it hurts and feels like a betrayal, I very seriously doubt this has anything to do with what the OP does or doesn’t do. Men see at looking at pictures, women see it as a personal insult and betrayal. I know how much hurts, been there done that.

TravisandJill, Dads.org has very good resources. It’s a good place to start. Our NFP class put on by CCL was a real eye opener for my husband on how porn effects woman, and married life. If your husband is willing to commit to breaking this habit that’s a beginning. Prepare yourself for set backs because most likely there will be failures along the way. Like any habitual sin, it takes time to over come.

I will keep you both in my prayers.
 
I understand your sadness. Much prayer. Don’t give up. Tell him how you feel. To know means you know he really needs your prayer. That is a gift of God, that He has invited you to pray. Trust and pray that God will complete the gift by giving him grace to remove himself from this occasion of sin.

I will pray for you both, Trishie
 
This might not be the thread to ask this question…but, in looking at some of these threads about husbands viewing porn, etc…I’m wondering if porn is the same for everyone? I have viewed porn before with my husband (we are reformed now, so don’t worry–we both learned it was wrong:o ) but it was movie type porn. I don’t consider playboy, etc…to be porn.

TravisandJill…is this what he was looking at on his phone, or were they still pics? How does one even get porn on a phone? 😊 This doesn’t change my reply back to you from earlier, but I’m just curious if everyone’s definition of porn is like mine.
 
whatevergirl said:
This might not be the thread to ask this question…but, in looking at some of these threads about husbands viewing porn, etc…I’m wondering if porn is the same for everyone? I have viewed porn before with my husband (we are reformed now, so don’t worry–we both learned it was wrong:o ) but it was movie type porn. I don’t consider playboy, etc…to be porn.

.
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Main Entry: por·nog·ra·phy
Pronunciation: -fē\
Function: noun
Etymology: Greek pornographos, adjective, writing about prostitutes, from pornē prostitute + graphein to write; akin to Greek pernanai to sell, poros journey — more at fare, carve
Date: 1858
1 : the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement
2 : material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement
3 : the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction

Whatevergirl Playboy is definitely porn. Not as graphic as many but its still naked women being used to sexually stimulate.
 
Jill,

First and foremost, what is his position on pornography and what he is doing? Where you go from here depends on whether he thinks it’s fine and has a “what’s the big deal” attitude or he knows it’s wrong and is struggling to *stop *looking at it.

Which is it?

Also, just and aside about something you mention in your original post: as non-Catholics when you married, your marriage does not need to be “validated” in the Catholic Church. It’s already valid. You are unbaptized and he was baptized in another denomination. Right now you have what is called a valid, natural marriage. When you get baptized it will become valid and a sacrament.

I second the suggestion on www.dads.org as Steve Wood and his association have helped many men with porn addictions. There are some book references on his website.
 
TravisandJill said:
Can my husband even go to confession? He was baptised and raised protestant christian and is in RCIA to become catholic.
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This is actually quite good! He probably doesn’t understand why the Church has these “silly rules.” “Everyone else does it.” Now he has the opportunity to learn the “why” behind all those “silly rules.” Have patience. Continue to tell him that you feel cheated on when he looks lustfully at other women. Love him anyway. The lure is strong, but when he changes his heart, the lure will be defeated!
 
TravisandJill said:
This morning I caught my DH looking at porn, and I am very hurt.
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I can understand how you might be disappointed. I don’t think anyone would argue that porn is a positive thing. But realistically, there are WAY worse things he could be doing. I have a buddy who has a subscription to Playboy. When I visit him, I might thumb through the current issue during halftime of a football game or while waiting for him to get ready to go out. Honestly, it doesn’t mean that I love my wife any less or that find her any less attractive. Actually, porn gets pretty boring after a very short time. So, unless Hubby is truly addicted and spending hours looking at it, I would express my displeasure (in no uncertain terms) and then just let it go. I suspect he has learned his lesson.
TravisandJill said:
Now I feel that DH may be hiding other things from me as well. I dont trust him at all. I feel so hurt that he lied that I am not even sure if I want to get our marriage validated in the church after we join…I am not sure I even want to be married to him anymore
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In a previous post you described how your parents showed up at the courthouse begging you not to marry your DH. Now, you’re ready to pull the plug on your marriage over some racy pictures. Sounds like high drama is the norm for your family. Please…don’t make a big deal out of something that doesn’t have to be a big deal.
 
I guess I should have said that it wasnt the fact that he looked at porn that bugged me, it was the fact that he LIED about it to me when I caught him. If he would have just told me the truth I would have been hurt of course but I would have also felt good that at least he admitted it to me.

Anyways it doesnt matter anymore because we talked and he promised not to do it ever again…so we shall see.

I know porn is an addiction many men suffer with, so I m trying to be sympethetic to my DH. I was just crushed that he lied to me:(
 
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