S
StAleydisCalls
Guest
I did that exactly, and I was so desperate to be understood!! And I have now dated this man for years now. We have our own issues and this is not about us, but I can say that because of him and his mother I was pulled out of my path as I tried to forge my one way ticket to Hell on purpose because I believed I deserved it. His mother a Gnostic and he a practicing Hermetic, I was readidly accepted. But that emptiness, that pain, that whole in my heart just grew. And when forced by my mother out of fear for my own life by my tormentor freshly out of jail being sent to my home in the middle of the night (I was in my new apartment) and when I refused to open the door (they were trying to force me to just “get over” my fear and not talk about it and come to their house to stay the night with him there while mom worked at night and my step dad was gone on the road as a truck driver and I outright refused and began to make clear the inspecting of my apartment, improptu visits to check the cleanliness of my home, coming in my home when I was not there without my permission, only coming over to do these things and never staying to eat, or talk with me, or have an adult relationship, refusing to acknowledge my feelings or respecting the rules of my home, being treated and ordered around like a six year old when I am nearly 30 and have been a sucessful advocate who has spoken nationally on the subject of Autism many times finally hit a head.
She started to plague me. I felt unsafe in my own home. I would spend days when seh was off out in town, not coming back till late, and my poor kitties would be forced to deal with them as I had no recourse till I spoke to Zack’s mom about it. That night when he forced himself (stepbrother) into my home after showing up at my work where my co-workers whom I had told everything hid me in the back till they got him away, his screaming and his treatment of my place scaring me so deeply that I hid when he busted in, waiting for him to enter into the kitchen area before I bolted out of the dark bathroom and ran out the bedroom door where I had a way to get outside and hid out in the cold in nothing but a nightgown with my phone in one hand and my athame Vking dagger in another in the bushes across the street.
After that, when the email I recieved after I confessed all that had happened showed the lack of care of that side of the family, my heart was broken again and I was forced, for my own mental health, which was near collapse and I was very close to have a complete nervous breakdown after being stalked, guilt tripped, followed, and persued online. My brother whom I adored and to whom I had been closer to anyone in the world stabbed me in the back, sided with my tormentor, and has sense become nasty, hostile, and bitter. And the pain, along with the loss of my job began to close in on me. THen one day, I fell onto EWTN while it had a special on one of my favorite epic poems, Dante’ s Divine Comedia. The words connected and I felt the Spirit inside of me for the first time in years!!
The rosary I kept, that I had used sometimes in more Christianized rituals, I began to use in its intended use. Promptly at 9pm with Mother Angelica I began to say the Rosary with the Nuns, and I felt her!!! I felt Our Lady!! She called out to my heart! She told me to “come home, come home Little One! We are waiting for you. We still love you. Let us show you the way!” others may believe what they want but she speaks through my heart and I do not report things that are not true of such matters! I watched and watched more and more of the channel, and began to read on the Saints. They to called out to me, and through their stories I began to weep. And God began to reach out as I prayed the rosary every night, begging me to pray. “Speak to me my child. Speak to me like you used to. I am still here, I’ve been waiting for you, I have so many people here pulling for you! My Mother has been seeking and seeking you from the moment you left!” and a deep love in my heart has been born for Our Lady and the Saints ever since.
I picked up CIty of God, and the arguments against paganism, and the inspiring connection to the Faith was born. And a deep desire began to be born inside my soul. The more I learned, the more it connected to what I had studied before. That connection that had been lost is back, and it is more profound, deeper, and more powerful than anything I ever felt! I feel complete, the Saints are my friends, my spiritual Elders, my teachers, and my Mother’s love has worked to heal the deep wounds of my soul made by the violence in my life. I have held onto the examples of Saint Monica and Saint Rita as women who had been in vilent households. But tonight has brought a break through, long after I have made the decision, invited Christ back into my heart, givien myself completely into the hands of my Lady and the guidance of the Saints.
Filled with the Spirit, I continue to watch and learn. I have fears I deal with. Many are not friendly in my circles to Catholicism and I seek to begin RCIA as soon as possible. But I have constant leg spasms and have for seven years that appeared out of nowhere. They travel all over my body now, have wrecked my already fragile immune, caused massive weight loss my traveling up my spine, and made it impossible for me to be able to drive. This leaves me at the mercy of the one opperating car of the household and several people in need of it and having zero people outside of the web that are Catholics and attend one of the local parishes, particulaly the one I filled guided to.
She started to plague me. I felt unsafe in my own home. I would spend days when seh was off out in town, not coming back till late, and my poor kitties would be forced to deal with them as I had no recourse till I spoke to Zack’s mom about it. That night when he forced himself (stepbrother) into my home after showing up at my work where my co-workers whom I had told everything hid me in the back till they got him away, his screaming and his treatment of my place scaring me so deeply that I hid when he busted in, waiting for him to enter into the kitchen area before I bolted out of the dark bathroom and ran out the bedroom door where I had a way to get outside and hid out in the cold in nothing but a nightgown with my phone in one hand and my athame Vking dagger in another in the bushes across the street.
After that, when the email I recieved after I confessed all that had happened showed the lack of care of that side of the family, my heart was broken again and I was forced, for my own mental health, which was near collapse and I was very close to have a complete nervous breakdown after being stalked, guilt tripped, followed, and persued online. My brother whom I adored and to whom I had been closer to anyone in the world stabbed me in the back, sided with my tormentor, and has sense become nasty, hostile, and bitter. And the pain, along with the loss of my job began to close in on me. THen one day, I fell onto EWTN while it had a special on one of my favorite epic poems, Dante’ s Divine Comedia. The words connected and I felt the Spirit inside of me for the first time in years!!
The rosary I kept, that I had used sometimes in more Christianized rituals, I began to use in its intended use. Promptly at 9pm with Mother Angelica I began to say the Rosary with the Nuns, and I felt her!!! I felt Our Lady!! She called out to my heart! She told me to “come home, come home Little One! We are waiting for you. We still love you. Let us show you the way!” others may believe what they want but she speaks through my heart and I do not report things that are not true of such matters! I watched and watched more and more of the channel, and began to read on the Saints. They to called out to me, and through their stories I began to weep. And God began to reach out as I prayed the rosary every night, begging me to pray. “Speak to me my child. Speak to me like you used to. I am still here, I’ve been waiting for you, I have so many people here pulling for you! My Mother has been seeking and seeking you from the moment you left!” and a deep love in my heart has been born for Our Lady and the Saints ever since.
I picked up CIty of God, and the arguments against paganism, and the inspiring connection to the Faith was born. And a deep desire began to be born inside my soul. The more I learned, the more it connected to what I had studied before. That connection that had been lost is back, and it is more profound, deeper, and more powerful than anything I ever felt! I feel complete, the Saints are my friends, my spiritual Elders, my teachers, and my Mother’s love has worked to heal the deep wounds of my soul made by the violence in my life. I have held onto the examples of Saint Monica and Saint Rita as women who had been in vilent households. But tonight has brought a break through, long after I have made the decision, invited Christ back into my heart, givien myself completely into the hands of my Lady and the guidance of the Saints.
Filled with the Spirit, I continue to watch and learn. I have fears I deal with. Many are not friendly in my circles to Catholicism and I seek to begin RCIA as soon as possible. But I have constant leg spasms and have for seven years that appeared out of nowhere. They travel all over my body now, have wrecked my already fragile immune, caused massive weight loss my traveling up my spine, and made it impossible for me to be able to drive. This leaves me at the mercy of the one opperating car of the household and several people in need of it and having zero people outside of the web that are Catholics and attend one of the local parishes, particulaly the one I filled guided to.