Well, I didnât want to make a new thread, but I have come to what I believe is a good understanding (I would have said conclusion, but it is not an ending).
After speaking to my Priest, after reading a whole lot about vocations, discernment, the life of a Religious, and especially after a good day praying I came to this:
I am not ready to enter into the Priesthood/Religious life. It has been made clear to me that I am merely experiencing an openness to God - in that, I have finally opened myself up to whatever he has planned for me, and I am finally at peace with saying âYesâ to whatever God has for me. Through these past few months of âdiscernmentâ, I think I have realised that it culminated in letting go of my own life - this is the fear I had - and letting God in. However, I thought, well, was convinced that this was a call to the Priesthood. While I am open to that, and while I recognise that it is something God could want from me - I do not believe it is in my immediate future. Possibly later on in life.
I donât know how to explain what has happened to me in these last few days - it was very up and down, and I really was confused, frightened, almost left dry and couldnât feel God close to me when I thought âHey, this is when I should be closest to youâ! I might be wrong, but that shouldnât be the case when truly discerning a vocation to the Priesthood. I prayed and I said âGod, what do you want from me?â and I think, I think, the answer He gave me was âTrust meâ. Now, I donât think that means I should be entering the religious life any time soon. I think that God is telling me to let go of some of the things that have trapped me, my past, and my concerns about the future, especially with regards to my own faith. I realise that even though I was committed to daily prayer, I did it out of fear for losing God, instead of praying because I loved God. This has been my awakening.
Now, I am slightly embarrassed, because I have discussed with my Priest, with a few vocations directors that I was certain of becoming a religious. Right now, to be honest, this is not where I am at. Is it fair of me to say that? For now, I do not see myself entering into a community. Nor do I see myself entering into a relationship. For now, I see myself growing in love and friendship with Jesus Christ as my Saviour. Most of all - I see myself Trusting in God and praying because I love him and want to do what he wants me to do.
I am still young, and I see why some communities expect one to have more life experience before entering the religious life. Furthermore, I think I am even younger in terms of my spiritual growth. If in some point in the future God calls me, I believe I will say yes and pursue that. But I donât want to rush - myself or God.
I hope this has made sense and that it isnât sounding too selfish of me. I am at peace with what has happened and what is happening. I hear the voice of satan saying âYou just said no to Godâ⌠but I think I can safely say that in reality I have said âGod, I am open to youâ and I think that God, right now, is telling me to do a few things:
- Spiritually grow
- Grow as a Catholic male
- Worry less about myself and earthly things; trust more in God.
- Live my life now as a Saint.
Thanks to everyone for the prayers and for responding! I hope this has made sense, and I hope for some replies.
And I apologize for my misunderstanding and lack of knowledge in these areas - it must do your head in to see people constantly misunderstanding everything.
). Slept well, woke up this morning and prayed some more. And I feel at peace. I am not 100% sure of what He wants - but I think my peace comes from my willingness to say âYesâ for whatever He wants me to do. I was reading about Vocations online and they asked - when you see yourself in 10 years, where are you? And I canât get it out of my head that I will be somewhere (wherever I am sent) **and in a habit. **The thought makes me happy, happier than picturing myself out in the secular world. Perhaps I have an idealised picture in my head of what it is to be living out the calling - so I am hesitant of course.
