Scrupulosity or more than that?

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I remember giving the first signs of obsessive-compulsive thinking when I was 6. I have spent most of my childhood and teenage years overrelying on imagination.

I could handle every obsessive thought, it didn’t quite affect my life. Till the previous year. It was summer and I had to face intrusive thoughts about me being the antichrist (allthough I have convinced myself later that I’m not).

Six months ago, I was in the chemistry class and the teacher asked us a question. At first it seemed to be pretty difficult, that’s why she wanted to reward the one that answers correctly with a mark. Some seconds after she asked the question, a thought came into my head: “What if I really am the antichrist and have some ‘powers’?”. Then (and that was the greatest mistake I have made) I just thought about it more and more and somehow “tried” to “activate” them, seeing if I really am the antichrist. Found the answer to my teacher’s question.

I didn’t quite find an explanation to what happened to me, allthough I am pretty good at school (I love maths, programming and physics) and I was even before those thoughts came.

“Maybe it was a coincidence” - that was my first thought. But some days later, I tried it again and found the answer to another question. It’s like… I was thinking more critical. I have excelated in maths (more than before), physics and programming. Written algorithms I never knew I am able to write. (Ok, teachers appreciated me even before that. But now it is different. I am not trying to sound arrogant. Sorry if I do)

For the last 6 months I remained in a constant state of anxiety because of this, fearing that Satan could have given me powers or more intelligence than I had before. I was scared I could have made an “invitation” for him, by trying to see if those “powers” worked.

Since the last year, so, before the “incident”, I begin seing the number “666” in comments, as a number of likes at posts I scroll to, or followers. Even when I sometimes turn my phone on my battery level is either 66% or 34% (100-34=66). I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

Now, my whole thinking is, somehow, damaged. I can’t find peace of mind. I am always anxious and can’t have feelings. I am constantly depressed and can’t feel love. Praying to God didn’t quite help (I prayed for deliverance, for forgiveness, and nothing happened). I am always anxious and can’t enjoy the happy moments in my life (because of the intrusive thoughts, accompaniated by the fear that only “mediocre” people enjoy life - not arrogant, still an OCD thing).

Am I possessed? Should I fear possession? I didn’t take part in any occult activities and always tried to stay close to God. The only thing that I worry about was the one with the “powers”. Or did I just begin using my critical thinking, “thanks” to my OCD? (not really thanks, I could have activated it using another way). And if it is just something mental, how can I change my thinking, saying that all those things come from God (avoiding compulsions?)

Please, reply.
 
I have times when I feel very close to God, even in these times. Although they are very rare but I feel that I love God the most and it is great.
 
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scope said:
I have times when I feel very close to God, even in these times. Although they are very rare but I feel that I love God the most and it is great.
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Write on pieces of paper: “God loves me infinitely” Tape it up in places around your home.

And, if in therapy, please mention that you are struggling. If not, get some help!
 
That would be considered a compulsion and would probably feed those intrusive thoughts
 
Well, these would try calming the anxiety produced by my doubts. But just for a while. So, I think yeah.
 
You need to “unlearn” some thought processes. You also need positive reinforcement to counter those doubts. But, talk to parents/doctor/therapist.
 
scope said:
What about those coincidences involving the number “666”?
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I’ve had those a lot. The end of my debit card number is 666 (I maybe shouldn’t say that…but then, y’all don’t know the rest, so nvm, I’m good lol). I was looking at the student portal at my high school, and there are exactly 666 students in my grade. My ID number for school, which has followed me since kindergarten and will through my senior year, is 6 digits. 6*6**6 (the asterisks are the other numbers. In middle school football, my jersey numbers in 7th and 8th grade were 37 and 19, respectively. Not that weird, right? 37•19=703. But 37•18, just one lower, =666. Creepy stuff, maybe. But then, I’m also a former Baptist, and us Protestants are always looking for end time stuff 🙃 Which brings me to my main point: if you’re looking for it, you’ll find it. If you’re a mathematician and you really love Fibonacci’s Sequence, you’ll find it everywhere, because even if you aren’t always on high alert, you’ll be more conscious of certain patterns, and respond quickly and frequently when you notice it.
Just mind games. Don’t worry about this part. As for the antichrist part, you likely wouldn’t have a problem with it if you really were. I think it likely that the antichrist, should they be generally classifiable with psychological disorders, will be a psychopath. They would enjoy the implications of their nature.
 
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Decades ago, my dad used to come home from working swing shift at 12:41 AM, like clockwork. I frequently see that time on clocks, but what does that mean? Numbers are numbers. They are patterns. We notice those that interest us and tend to disregard the others.

I would not read anything in to it.
 
Ok. What about the problem with the thinking?
Is it just some type of critical thinking I didn’t discover or is it something spiritual?
 
Well, there is a therapy known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, taught by Catholic Dr. Gregory Popcak and many others, which has helped innumerable people with OCD.

You deserve to live in peace.
 
Have you asked your pastor for advice? You should be discussing this with a professional counselor.
 
scope said:
Ok. What about the problem with the thinking?
Is it just some type of critical thinking I didn’t discover or is it something spiritual?
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Are you in treatment with a psychologist? If not, talk to your parents about getting that set up. That’s what you need.
 
scope said:
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Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) specifies that good or fair insight, poor insight, or absent insight or delusional beliefs may be seen with OCD.
 
To the OP, I reiterate what others have said, that you should seek the proper treatment for what you’re struggling with. You should not turn to internet forums, as that could feed your compulsions.

To everyone else, please remember that we are not allowed to give medical or psychological advice on the forums, especially not to a minor, and especially not of a diagnostic nature.

-Fr ACEGC
 
I don’t know if it’s scrupulosity but one thing’s for sure is that they’re really irrational thoughts
 
Scrupulosity, ADHD, OCD and Anxiety disorder are all related conditions. Not the same conditions but all may be helped with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and/or medication. Hopefully without medication.
 
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