Secrets best left untold?

  • Thread starter Thread starter dfp42
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

dfp42

Guest
I would like some advise about a situation that keeps crossing my mind. It has nothing to do with me personally but I do wonder what others may think of it. Without getting into details. Say a situation in which a mother and father never told their child who his real father really was. For whatever reason I could say based on fear of telling the truth and facing rejection, would it ever be best not to say anything to this now adult child? I know someone who is faced with this sad situation and really wants to get this truth off his shoulders but some are saying its a bad idea and it would cause more damage than what is already done. The real father is still alive and never wanted anything to do with the child so it just turned into a life long secret. I know it sounds like a something out of a soup opera but what are your thoughts on it. Please pray for all involved if possible.
 
You say there is damage already done, so I am not sure what you mean by that. If it is the one who parented the now-adult child who wants to tell (the only one who has a right to tell this really), I woudl think the adult child could now handle hearing it. However the “teller” must accept that the “hearer” has a right to his emotional reaction to the news. There is the initial reaction, and the need need for time to absorb the info. There will be Qs, like, “Why didn’t you tell me before?” that will need answering. Though, I think that should be obvious - the child was never told for his own good and peace and normalcy, and the habit of not-telling took hold, even when he could have been told sooner…
 
Yes, it is the parenting father who wants to say something and it’s been haunting him for many years. He was planning to say something but is now on the fence because some are telling him it will ruin their relationship. The mother has been against this information coming out. The child is way into his adult life now.
 
There is a genetic medical history involved here.
Every person has the right to know this if possible.
 
dfp42 said:
I would like some advise about a situation that keeps crossing my mind. It has nothing to do with me personally but I do wonder what others may think of it. Without getting into details. Say a situation in which a mother and father never told their child who his real father really was. For whatever reason I could say based on fear of telling the truth and facing rejection, would it ever be best not to say anything to this now adult child? I know someone who is faced with this sad situation and really wants to get this truth off his shoulders but some are saying its a bad idea and it would cause more damage than what is already done. The real father is still alive and never wanted anything to do with the child so it just turned into a life long secret. I know it sounds like a something out of a soup opera but what are your thoughts on it. Please pray for all involved if possible.
Click to expand...
I think that in answering this by really considering the potential for harm that disclosing at this point would or could cause. While our sins can be forgiven the consequences and repercussions of those sins remain. We have to balance whether if we don’t tell the son the truth what is the likelyhood that he will learn the truth in another way and what harm that could cause. I know that “The truth will set us free” but will the truth in cases like this at the cost of setting us free hurt another unnecessairily? I know I have not really answered you question and have only posed more and I could very well be out to lunch so I would strongly suggest you talk to a priest who is well versed in moral theology.
 
How was the child conceived? We are actually having a big discussion about this in another thread entitled “Paternity Tests and the Catholic Church.”
 
Is he just “itching to tell” or does he feel that telling will overall be a positive thing for the now adult child? If my dad somehow were not my bio dad, I would NOT want him or anyone to tell me. What good could come of it? He is my father. He cared for me, supported me, raised me and put up with all me for all these years. Walked me down the aisle at my wedding, is the grandpa to my kids. He is 100% my dad, and no one else ever could be. I don’t need added confusion or drama in my life. Few people do. And I don’t care all that much about biology.
 
mommy_k said:
There is a genetic medical history involved here.
Every person has the right to know this if possible.
Click to expand...
I disagree. It rarely has such a direct effect on the person. The greater concern is does this man NEED to know who his biological father is. He has had the love of his REAL father for his whole life. What good would it do to shatter his belief and possibly trust in his parents??

No, I would advise the father to speak more in-depth about this to his priest, and not to “confess” anything to his son. For he is the REAL father, not the bio-dad.
 
It sounds like a number of people know this “secret” already. I can’t help but wonder if the adult child has already been told by someone else, or at least has his suspicions.
 
dfp42 said:
The mother has been against this information coming out. .
Click to expand...
The man who raised this kid as his own needs to listen to the mother. If the only reason he wants to tell is to relieve his guilt, then that is selfish. If there is a VALID reason to tell such as the biological dad has informed the adult and the adult is asking for the truth, it is OK.

But I repeat, this man is being selfish if his only motive is to relieve his guilt
 
I am the product of an adulterous affair and have several inherited conditions from my biological father including a crippling neurological disorder. If a full medical history cn be obtained from the biological father it should be, and be available if needed. It would be a huge help if I had something like that, or access to my half sister who also has the disease.

As for telling, I have been permanently scarred by my biological father’s refusal to ever acknowledge me as his daughter. If this is the situation, the secret might be better kept.
 
Eleanor61 said:
I am the product of an adulterous affair and have several inherited conditions from my biological father including a crippling neurological disorder. If a full medical history cn be obtained from the biological father it should be, and be available if needed. It would be a huge help if I had something like that, or access to my half sister who also has the disease.

As for telling, I have been permanently scarred by my biological father’s refusal to ever acknowledge me as his daughter. If this is the situation, the secret might be better kept.
Click to expand...
I would expect there are other blood relations who can provide a medical history. I think your situation is fairly rare. I am sorry that you are going through it, but you see the results yourself when the bio-parent wants nothing to do with you. You already know that you have this neurological condition - what does knowing it came through your bio-dad’s line really do for you at this point? The doctors can tell you what the likely progression is, or any other risks you will face through your lifetime. I think this “medical need to know” is actually a trumped-up excuse to expose an ugly and painful situation, a la Maury Povich.

The medical reasons do not, IMO, outweigh the personal reasons NOT to tell this.
 
mommy_k said:
There is a genetic medical history involved here.
Every person has the right to know this if possible.
Click to expand...
I would want to know. When my dad was dying, several family secrets were revealed to me and I had a harder time dealing with the timing of the secrets being revealed than the actual secrets. I have always wished my parents had told me the news when we still had time to work on the affects of the secrets together rather than being left to deal with the secrets with only one parent living.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I would expect there are other blood relations who can provide a medical history. I think your situation is fairly rare. I am sorry that you are going through it, but you see the results yourself when the bio-parent wants nothing to do with you. You already know that you have this neurological condition - what does knowing it came through your bio-dad’s line really do for you at this point? The doctors can tell you what the likely progression is, or any other risks you will face through your lifetime. I think this “medical need to know” is actually a trumped-up excuse to expose an ugly and painful situation, a la Maury Povich.

The medical reasons do not, IMO, outweigh the personal reasons NOT to tell this.
Click to expand...
Additionally, if one suspects the possibility of an inherited condition, one can always request a referral for genetic testing. If treatment for an already diagnosed condition were dependent on specific genomes being present, and the availability of targeted therapies for those genomes, the doctor will probably order it anyways.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I would expect there are other blood relations who can provide a medical history. I think your situation is fairly rare. I am sorry that you are going through it, but you see the results yourself when the bio-parent wants nothing to do with you. You already know that you have this neurological condition - what does knowing it came through your bio-dad’s line really do for you at this point? The doctors can tell you what the likely progression is, or any other risks you will face through your lifetime. I think this “medical need to know” is actually a trumped-up excuse to expose an ugly and painful situation, a la Maury Povich.

The medical reasons do not, IMO, outweigh the personal reasons NOT to tell this.
Click to expand...
Um, Julianne, I was agreeing with you. I just said if a medical history could be obtained and saved in case it is needed, that could be helpful. How could there be other relatives to provide info if one does not have access to that side of the family?
I did say that it was probably best not to reveal the real father, nothing good will come of that. I wish I didn’t know.
In fact it is such a raw nerve that I probably didnt express myself clearly. If it is at all possible, the secret should be kept.
And neurologists are pretty damned unhelpful in cases where there is no treatment and no cure, and genetic testing only tells you what you already know. My eldest son has this too.
 
How would you explain a complete genome testing? I knew an adoptee that died at age 30 from breast cancer. Had a history been available, she would have been tested in her teens.
Genetic testing is not cheap. I agree if if were not for this part, keeping it quiet would be best.
 
Eleanor61 said:
Um, Julianne, I was agreeing with you. I just said if a medical history could be obtained and saved in case it is needed, that could be helpful. How could there be other relatives to provide info if one does not have access to that side of the family?
I did say that it was probably best not to reveal the real father, nothing good will come of that. I wish I didn’t know.
In fact it is such a raw nerve that I probably didnt express myself clearly. If it is at all possible, the secret should be kept.
And neurologists are pretty damned unhelpful in cases where there is no treatment and no cure, and genetic testing only tells you what you already know. My eldest son has this too.
Click to expand...
I am so sorry. I did understand what you meant, but I may not have sounded as though I did. Darned internet. :rolleyes: Yes, we agree.

And I am so sorry about your disorder. 😦

When I was doing family research I learned something quite shocking about one of my mother’s line. I really wished I hadn’t learned it. It put me off genealogy from that day to this. I don’t want to know anything else at the moment. Sometimes things ought to stay buried.

😦
 
As long as the parents are alive, go to the parents with your concern that the child should know–for instance, if you become aware that the child is unknowingly dating a close relative. For all you know, they may have all of the biological father’s health history that their child will need.

Otherwise, leave it up the parents to tell the child the truth that the father is someone else but did not want to have contact when they are ready to tell it. The truth about who it is–that is up to the parents to disclose to the child, not you, unless there is a very good reason compelling you to tell.
 
dfp42 said:
Yes, it is the parenting father who wants to say something and it’s been haunting him for many years. He was planning to say something but is now on the fence because some are telling him it will ruin their relationship. The mother has been against this information coming out. The child is way into his adult life now.
Click to expand...
Trust them to work it out as a family.
 
dfp42 said:
I would like some advise about a situation that keeps crossing my mind. It has nothing to do with me personally but I do wonder what others may think of it. Without getting into details. Say a situation in which a mother and father never told their child who his real father really was. For whatever reason I could say based on fear of telling the truth and facing rejection, would it ever be best not to say anything to this now adult child? I know someone who is faced with this sad situation and really wants to get this truth off his shoulders but some are saying its a bad idea and it would cause more damage than what is already done.** The real father is still alive and never wanted anything to do with the child** so it just turned into a life long secret. I know it sounds like a something out of a soup opera but what are your thoughts on it. Please pray for all involved if possible.
Click to expand...
You asked, “Would it ever be best…?” Yes, there are some situations in which it would be best for an adult to never hear (this side of eternity), “You’re real father never wanted anything to do with you.”

Would the adult child also hear mom had an affair while married? Or did she get pregnant as a result of rape? Did she sleep around while single? Did she apparently just “settle” on the man who raised her child as his own, because she was alone with a child?

Would the adult child reject the step-father who raised ths child as his own? Would the bio-dad reject the child directly to his face? Would bio-dad want to get involved in the family’s life and show up drunk on holidays and/or make passes at his ex-girlfriend in front of the step dad?

I can think of lots of reasons why the family might just want to leave well-enough alone.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top