Seeing my narcissistic/sociopathic mother again after almost two years...nervous and anxious...please advise?

[mommamaree]

I have been estranged from my mother for quite some time now. I do not know whether she only has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or if she is a true sociopath. I had to go No Contact for about a year, to try to heal and learn how to maintain my sanity (she has engaged in egregious gas-lighting) and how to spot her machinations. I then allowed written communication, and recently allowed a couple phone calls. Now, my husband and I are planning on a short visit to a museum together while we are visiting other family in our hometown. When I called to invite her to see us, the conversation went fairly well, and it wasn’t until I got off the phone and thought about it hours later that I realized…She had done it again! She had manipulated me into minimizing her behavior for her and denying that I need to protect myself and my children from her. What she had said was this: “the museum will be a location for you, because then you won’t have to worry about me having too much direct contact with your kids”. (It was stated as an accusation, and as away of her saying “I see what you are doing to try to protect yourself and your kid”)So I was scared when she said this and I tried to redirect the conversation by saying it was for other reasons, but in the end, it made her behavior appear okay by me.

Hours later, I was vomiting so hard from stress that I burst all the capillaries in my face.

Now, having several days to get my head on straight, I realize she “whammied” me again. A whammy is what I call the loss of a sane perspective, the grooming by a known narcissist/ likely sociopath, the build up of pain where I become a scared child again hiding my vulnerability from my mother.

I am very worried about this visit, and am regretting ending the period of No Contact. I am afraid of losing all the wonderful ground I gained through hard work toward emotional health and stability. I don’t know how to proceed here. We have set up this museum visit. My kids are excited about it, because they don’t understand the history. But I worry for myself and them. Most of the time, I am so much in survival mode when communicating or visiting with her that I do not feel the pain of what she has said or done until hours later or even days later.

Any advice?

 

[Xantippe]

Next time she says something like that, just say, “Yes, mom, that’s right,” and then sign off.

 

[BellsMom]

Perhaps a quick apologetic call that you’re sorry but you won’t have time to see her after all?

If I remember correctly you’re pregnant aren’t you? Don’t risk your personal health by adding this awful stress.

You’re the Mommy who is most important now, not her.

 

[sallybutler]

Does she make these comments when your husband is present? How would she react if he were to say that’s silly or that’s wrong?

If she is more respectful when he is present, then maybe you could put him on MIL duty. No one is allowed to be alone with, he would escort you and your kids when in her presence.

Sometimes people behave better around their sons or daughters in-law. Not always of course, because some people just don’t know how to behave.

 

[mommamaree]

Next time she says something like that, just say, “Yes, mom, that’s right,” and then sign off.

That is exactly what I have been instructing myself to do ever since I got off the phone! Argh! It is what I should have done, but I get so scared when she so easily spots my vulnerabilities and calls me out on how I am attempting to protect myself.

But thanks, Xantippe. That is absolutely what I WILL do next time.

 

[mommamaree]

Perhaps a quick apologetic call that you’re sorry but you won’t have time to see her after all?

If I remember correctly you’re pregnant aren’t you? Don’t risk your personal health by adding this awful stress.

You’re the Mommy who is most important now, not her.

Yes, I am pregnant. Only 22 weeks, but I actually started having uterine contractions the evening before I started throwing up. I haven’t had any pregnancy nausea for over a month, and even when I did, it wasn’t enough to make me physically ill, just really uncomfortable. This was completely different, and really violent.
Now, days removed from the incident, I have no more uterine tightness and no vomiting or nausea at all. But the first 24 hours were scary. I was worried for my baby.

 

[mommamaree]

Does she make these comments when your husband is present? How would she react if he were to say that’s silly or that’s wrong?

If she is more respectful when he is present, then maybe you could put him on MIL duty. No one is allowed to be alone with, he would escort you and your kids when in her presence.

Sometimes people behave better around their sons or daughters in-law. Not always of course, because some people just don’t know how to behave.

No she does not behave better around my husband, although she fawns over males in general. She actually has had eyes for my FIL, and has made comments that she would have pursued him if she had been single at the same time as him. So, no, she knows no boundaries, even with my husband or his family (whom she regularly targets for her whammies).

She supposedly has been in serious therapy for a while now, but her behavior via texts and phone calls appears to be just more of the same.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, I am pregnant. Only 22 weeks, but I actually started having uterine contractions the evening before I started throwing up. I haven’t had any pregnancy nausea for over a month, and even when I did, it wasn’t enough to make me physically ill, just really uncomfortable. This was completely different, and really violent.
Now, days removed from the incident, I have no more uterine tightness and no vomiting or nausea at all. But the first 24 hours were scary. I was worried for my baby.

That sounds like a fantastic excuse to stay home and not do the museum thing, if that’s what you want to do. Maybe take a rain check until you are a little further along?

 

[mommamaree]

That sounds like a fantastic excuse to stay home and not do the museum thing, if that’s what you want to do. Maybe take a rain check until you are a little further along?

Our hometown is two days drive away, and it is literally now or never for us to take a trip back home. So the trip is happening. The museum visit is negotiable for my husband and I, at this point, but if we do not go, I may not see my niece at all (my mother has custody) and it will be a situation where my mother and niece know we are in town, but are electing not to see them after all.

So what I am saying is, we may still decide to not see her, but there will be consequences.

 

[sallybutler]

It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. What would cause you the least amount of stress and guilt especially considering the baby?

 

[mommamaree]

It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place. What would cause you the least amount of stress and guilt especially considering the baby?

Good question. I will consider it from this perspective from now on. I do need to protect my ability to stay balanced for my sake and for my baby. Especially since my mother likes to attack when I am pregnant, and make comments about my frump or weight. But my desire to see my niece is important to ME, too, so it is a factor in my decision. But what my mother wants should not factor into my decision, because she only wants more, more and MORE.

 

[the_phoenix]

Careful …

When I finally broke down and visited a toxic sibling so I could see my nieces after several years, and the sibling suggested that I go visit my toxic mother as long as I was in the area, my body responded by coming down with an illness. My sister even remarked on how bad I looked and hinted that I should see a doctor.

On my return, I had a hair appointment. My beautician took one look at me, asked what was going on. I explained that stress was the cause of what she was seeing, and she advised me not to visit my family again.

I will pray for you.

~~ the phoenix

 

[mommamaree]

Careful …

When I finally broke down and visited a toxic sibling so I could see my nieces after several years, and the sibling suggested that I go visit my toxic mother as long as I was in the area, my body responded by coming down with an illness. My sister even remarked on how bad I looked and hinted that I should see a doctor.

On my return, I had a hair appointment. My beautician took one look at me, asked what was going on. I explained that stress was the cause of what she was seeing, and she advised me not to visit my family again.

I will pray for you.

~~ the phoenix

Thank you. I will take your warning seriously. I have often responded to her poor treatment of me by becoming quite ill. Even a 3 hour museum trip might be enough to do lasting damage. I will have to consider this reality, too.

 

[the_phoenix]

You’re welcome, and I definitely understand about the lasting damage. I’ve prayed a Hail Mary for you and said a prayer to St. Michael the Archangel.

 

[Xantippe]

Especially since my mother likes to attack when I am pregnant, and make comments about my frump or weight.

Gah. Who needs that?

 

[cheezey]

Ah, narcissism…

Do you want any type of relationship with your mother?

My former boss, a brother, a sister, and an ex boyfriend.

All wildly different with their own brand of narcissism. I don’t ever want to see the boss ever again. Not to be morbid, but when my Dad passes, I’ll not want to see my siblings ever again, either. Too toxic and not worth the drama they cause. And I am fine with this.
It took a little time, but I am fine with this.

My ex and I are great friends. Love him dearly and worry about him.
From a distance.

Please consider the baby and you first. Weigh the consequences. I cannot relate to a mother being this way, but I can relate to making a child the priority.

God bless.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Ordinarily, I would say that while you could back out, this could also be an opportunity for you to practice keeping yourself detached during a visit. And I would suggest to come up with several rote replies that can be applied to a variety of different things she might try to do. “Yes that’s right Mom” is a good one. Another good one that could be used when you don’t know what to say is, “Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom/get a drink/take a child to the bathroom.”

Yes, I am pregnant. Only 22 weeks, but I actually started having uterine contractions the evening before I started throwing up. I haven’t had any pregnancy nausea for over a month, and even when I did, it wasn’t enough to make me physically ill, just really uncomfortable. This was completely different, and really violent.
Now, days removed from the incident, I have no more uterine tightness and no vomiting or nausea at all. But the first 24 hours were scary. I was worried for my baby.

But given what you wrote here, I would advise you not to visit with her at all. Clearly she has too strong of a hold on your emotions, to the point that it is dangerous for you and the baby. And I imagine that an actual visit will be more difficult than a short phone call. The way I see it, you could do one of two things:

1-let her know ahead of time that you have realized that you are not ready to meet with her and straight up cancel.

2-Have your husband plan on going with the kids, without you. They will not likely be hurt by a short, one time visit, and you will be able to shield yourself from what might very well hurt you and the baby. Just have your dh tell her that you aren’t feeling well and aren’t able to come. He can tell her ahead of time, or not.

You could also try to make arrangements to visit with your niece without contact with Mom, but I wouldn’t sacrifice the health/safety of the baby for the sake of seeing the niece.

 

[underacloud]

If it were me, I’d go, but with a plan:

a) First negative comment, your husband gives her a warning that you will leave if she continues.

b) Second negative comment, your husband tells her that you are all leaving, and then you all leave.

Would your husband be up to doing this? I suggest your husband because it takes the pressure off you.

I see two advantages to this approach. One being the possibility of a peaceful meeting. The scond being that if things do not go well, you leave on your terms, which I suggest may be quite empowering.

 

[agnes_therese]

So what I am saying is, we may still decide to not see her, but there will be consequences.

So, the question is: which would be worse, the consequences of not seeing her? or the consequences of seeing her?
You’ve just seen what she can do, just on a phone call. And you have to protect your health and your baby.

 

[EasterJoy]

…I am very worried about this visit, and am regretting ending the period of No Contact…

Any advice?

Then don’t end it.

Call the museum, and ask if you can arrange to change the time of your visit. Tell them you are concerned about a person whose stated intention to meet you there is against your wishes and promises to be disruptive to your visit.

Then call your mother, and tell her you have changed your mind, and you are not going to meet her. Then don’t.