Separate vacations

  • Thread starter Thread starter PRAYER51
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I believe the OP is being gaslighted. His wife may have agreed to a trip with him, but there is no apparent improvement in her attitude about sex with him. I’m well aware that physical and hormonal issues can derail a woman’s libido, but since there is no indication in this thread that the OP’s wife has had herself checked out which is why I went straight to the lost attraction viewpoint. They’ve gone to counseling, but that won’t resolve anything as long as the wife refuses to address this issue.

Remember the OP specifically said “I’m not allowed to bring up the sex issue again either”. I should think it’s pretty clear from that statement that the issue is more than physical and/or hormonal for his wife. It’s not just that she doesn’t want sex, it’s also that she shuts him down when he tries to discuss the matter.

The flirting story sounds like something almost made up on the spot. I still don’t think Vegas and cruises are good destinations for wives going off on their own vacation. I sincerely hope I’m wrong, but based on what I’ve seen in my circles, the possibility of unchaste conduct still has to be considered. Actually come to think of it, she has already engaged in bad conduct by refusing to discuss the issue and/or have herself checked out and now she wants to compound that by going to inappropriate vacation destinations.
 
Zzyzx_Road said:
I believe the OP is being gaslighted. His wife may have agreed to a trip with him, but there is no apparent improvement in her attitude about sex with him. I’m well aware that physical and hormonal issues can derail a woman’s libido, but since there is no indication in this thread that the OP’s wife has had herself checked out which is why I went straight to the lost attraction viewpoint. They’ve gone to counseling, but that won’t resolve anything as long as the wife refuses to address this issue.

Remember the OP specifically said “I’m not allowed to bring up the sex issue again either”. I should think it’s pretty clear from that statement that the issue is more than physical and/or hormonal for his wife. It’s not just that she doesn’t want sex, it’s also that she shuts him down when he tries to discuss the matter.

The flirting story sounds like something almost made up on the spot. I still don’t think Vegas and cruises are good destinations for wives going off on their own vacation. I sincerely hope I’m wrong, but based on what I’ve seen in my circles, the possibility of unchaste conduct still has to be considered. Actually come to think of it, she has already engaged in bad conduct by refusing to discuss the issue and/or have herself checked out and now she wants to compound that by going to inappropriate vacation destinations.
Click to expand...
  • We have no sex life as she says she’s no longer interested but isn’t menopausal.
  • I’ve offered to go away with her, just the two of us…she says no, we can’t afford it and who will take care of the kids…(14, 17, 22 yrs of age)…
  • My wife is 51 and so are her 3 high school girl friends…they went to Vegas 2 years ago and want to go on a cruise next year. (… so you guys can afford trips?)
  • …she’d just much rather go away with her friends than me…
  • and I’m not allowed to bring up the sex issue again either…
  • I’m retreating more and more from her as she seems to have no concern for my feelings on the matter…
  • …if I don’t like it I can leave according to her.
  • The incident. … my wife said they all broke down crying in Vegas about their husbands and that was the 'incident" …
    One of my wives married friends was in fact flirting with other guys by the pool but the other 3 women were just rolling their eyes at her…
    ?
  • And my wife agreed to go away with me for our 25th wedding anniversary as well!!! I just felt bad because she originally turned me down while still wanting to go away again with her girlfriends.
But, allow me to guess, she still will be going to Vegas or on a cruise with her girlfriends?
Her agreeing to one trip fixes everything?

I am praying for you. I hope the trip is wonderful and helps you to reconnect, for you to regain intimacy. But I would still encourage you to continue with counseling and efforts at improving your marriage. The little gestures of appreciation and encouragement. Texts, notes on the pillow, etc. Helping your wife not to be so down on herself…
 
Zzyzx_Road said:
I believe the OP is being gaslighted. His wife may have agreed to a trip with him, but there is no apparent improvement in her attitude about sex with him. I’m well aware that physical and hormonal issues can derail a woman’s libido, but since there is no indication in this thread that the OP’s wife has had herself checked out which is why I went straight to the lost attraction viewpoint. They’ve gone to counseling, but that won’t resolve anything as long as the wife refuses to address this issue.

Remember the OP specifically said “I’m not allowed to bring up the sex issue again either”. I should think it’s pretty clear from that statement that the issue is more than physical and/or hormonal for his wife. It’s not just that she doesn’t want sex, it’s also that she shuts him down when he tries to discuss the matter.

The flirting story sounds like something almost made up on the spot. I still don’t think Vegas and cruises are good destinations for wives going off on their own vacation. I sincerely hope I’m wrong, but based on what I’ve seen in my circles, the possibility of unchaste conduct still has to be considered. Actually come to think of it, she has already engaged in bad conduct by refusing to discuss the issue and/or have herself checked out and now she wants to compound that by going to inappropriate vacation destinations.
Click to expand...
I don’t think OP’s suspicions need encouragement.
 
We’re still going to counselling but I honestly believe something did happen in Vegas 2 years ago by her reaction to me when she came home…I don’t trust her or her friends when they get together…none are happy with their husbands as well and like I’ve said my intuition says the cruise in 2015 sometime is not a good idea…I’m a very nice guy who’s probably being gaslighted…do I tell her no, she can’t go…time to refocus on your loyalty to your vows??? She’s saying she just wants to visit her friend in Texas with her other girlfriend but I’ll bet it developes into something else-cruise…
 
PRAYER51 said:
…do I tell her no, she can’t go…time to refocus on your loyalty to your vows???

.
Click to expand...
No, now isn’t the time to discuss her future trips with girlfriends, or let suspicions interfere with trying to enjoy your time with her. That most precious gift that we can never get back, time.

Just avoid discussion of her future trip by focusing on your anniversary trip with her. Where you’ll go, what you’ll do… stuff you find fun together. Dancing or SCUBA or seeing great works of art – whatever will allow you two to reconnect with the reasons you were attracted to each other to begin with.

Your trip shouldn’t be a counseling session, or devolve into some type of interrogation of past differences. It should be about enjoying the now.

When my wife decided to leave, and she’d told me but not the kids. I took them to Dismal, sorry I mean Disney Land even though I really don’t like the place. Just so they could totally enjoy it one last time without the shadow of divorce over it. One more time as secure kids.

Treat your trip like that-- just enjoy the time, you have no idea what the future will hold. You could get hit by a beer truck tomorrow. Just really try to find activities you’ll both enjoy doing without worrying about the next couple of months or years…
 
Xantippe said:
Yeah, for future reference, the female libidinal pilot light occasionally blows out.
Click to expand...
It’s funny how often it will relight itself, even years later, when given the opportunity to have sex with someone else, whether after a divorce or just on a “vacation”.

EDIT: my sister is going on vacation without her husband this week… because he’s going to be away on a business trip anyway. Also she is taking their four kids with her on vacation. And they’re going to the beach, not Vegas. And they’ll be staying with family, who would absolutely not put up with any kind of shenanigans. Not that there is any worry of that, since (as far as I know) she is a loving wife to her husband. So that’s the kind of vacation I would expect a woman to go on without her husband.
 
PRAYER51 said:
We’re still going to counselling but I honestly believe something did happen in Vegas 2 years ago by her reaction to me when she came home…I don’t trust her or her friends when they get together…none are happy with their husbands as well and like I’ve said my intuition says the cruise in 2015 sometime is not a good idea…I’m a very nice guy who’s probably being gaslighted…do I tell her no, she can’t go…time to refocus on your loyalty to your vows??? She’s saying she just wants to visit her friend in Texas with her other girlfriend but I’ll bet it developes into something else-cruise…
Click to expand...
So there are three trips? Vegas, cruise, and Texas?

If I’m wrong, forgive me: I think this is all a fictionalized account of pseudo-actual events, and you’re spinning it into scandalous territory to amuse yourself.

And that includes you, my man…
Royalist said:
It’s funny how often it will relight itself, even years later, when given the opportunity to have sex with someone else, whether after a divorce or just on a “vacation”.
Click to expand...
 
on_the_hill said:
So there are three trips? Vegas, cruise, and Texas?

If I read it correctly, two trips. She went to Vegas two years ago. She wants to go on another trip which may be to either Texas or a cruise.

If I’m wrong, forgive me: I think this is all a fictionalized account of pseudo-actual events, and you’re spinning it into scandalous territory to amuse yourself.

From the school of bitter experience, just from his comments which I listed above-- he does have reason to worry, and things to work on in his marriage.

And that includes you, my man…
Click to expand...
Easter Joy has provided some great advice, as have others. Glad you’re going on a trip together, enjoy!! You may want to center it around an activity she enjoys and is good at, help her feel good about herself, remind her of her skills and talents.
 
I think some people watch too much porn, which gives them weird ideas about what women do in their free time.

Only in weird male fantasies do nice 50-something ladies cut loose on cruises. Aren’t cruises kind of boring and mostly populated by couples, families, and other middle aged ladies? Mostly, I bet they just eat lots of shrimp and admire ice sculptures. Or, worst scenario, get a spectacular case of food poisoning.

Adultery is quite possible at home, if one is into that sort of thing.

I can remember (looking through the mental files) one case of a 40-something friend of my mother who was hanging out with a guy when she was supposedly camping with my mom, but that marriage was in very serious trouble by that point, for quite a number of different reasons (including the fact that the husband was no longer financially supporting the family, had secretly stopped paying the property taxes and had started buying an unseemly number of boy toys). It was really the last nail in the coffin.

If your marriage is happy, solo vacations aren’t a big deal. And if your marriage is unhappy, keeping your wife home won’t save it.
 
Prediction: the main topic on these “girls’ trips” is everybody’s hysterectomy and how they’re managing perimenopause and menopause.
 
Also, come to think of it, over the course of 16 years of marriage, I’ve been on quite a few trips to see friends and family without husband and often without kids. And yet I’ve never committed adultery or even thought seriously about it.

I guess I must be unusually virtuous.
 
Xantippe said:
I think some people watch too much porn, which gives them weird ideas about what women do in their free time.

Only in weird male fantasies do nice 50-something ladies cut loose on cruises. Aren’t cruises kind of boring and mostly populated by couples, families, and other middle aged ladies? Mostly, I bet they just eat lots of shrimp and admire ice sculptures. Or, worst scenario, get a spectacular case of food poisoning.

Adultery is quite possible at home, if one is into that sort of thing.

I can remember (looking through the mental files) one case of a 40-something friend of my mother who was hanging out with a guy when she was supposedly camping with my mom, but that marriage was in very serious trouble by that point, for quite a number of different reasons (including the fact that the husband was no longer financially supporting the family, had secretly stopped paying the property taxes and had started buying an unseemly number of boy toys). It was really the last nail in the coffin.

If your marriage is happy, solo vacations aren’t a big deal. And if your marriage is unhappy, keeping your wife home won’t save it.
Click to expand...
I didn’t get my idea about this issue from porn but I did do research on this issue online…maybe that was feeding my imagination…I do think I’m the one with the paranoia though…we need to work on our relationship in counselling. Thanks again for everyone’s prayers and support!!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top