Separated, divorced, annulled?

[Eliza10]

…Don’t be so hard, please, on people who want the peace of being completely separated from someone who has already done much damage. I didn’t get an annulment to remarry. I haven’t even gone on my first date. It’s been 11 years since the first time he left. Sometimes we just want the truth to come out. We want the peace of knowing the reason we’re homeless isn’t because we didn’t maintain the house properly. The church sent in building inspectors who came out and told me they were amazed I survived ten years in that place, and I was deceived about the true nature of the house when I bought it. …

Great annullment anaolgy in your whole post here. I have not read through the whole thread, so I don’t know who is being hard on people who want to be separate from damaging people. Probably someone who has a good marraige, or one not bad enough to have to flee.

I will be seeking an annullment before long - also to complete the whole separation - as I do not consider myself unmarried in God’s eyes or the Church’s (thats who matters) until I do. I want to know where I stand. I accept that if I am denied, I will always still be married. But I think denial is a remote possiblity, because the foundation was truly sinking sand. It would be good to have the outward reality confirmed by the highest authority. It will bring a sense of completion.

Also I am not thinking of dating at all, just creating a life that fits. Also reflecting on where I have been seems an important process to move through on the way to who I am to be. Who that is will be found where God is leading me, and to listen to his leading I need to create a life that includes listening and knowing Him better. I leave the dating in God’s hands, because for me, I think when the time is right it will just happen. My focus is, what am I supposed to be doing and learning now?

…http://marianweb.net/thedivinemercy/library/MARY_AND_JESUS.jpg

 

[RWMorris]

My husband had to have his first marriage annulled after 20 years of being married to me so that we could have our marriage convalidated by the Church. It was very hard to live those months as brother and sister but we did it. I feel so blessed to have the Church as my Mother.
I advise anyone who is divorced to seek an annulment sooner rather than later. You never know who is going to pop out of the woodwork to become your one and only. The annulment for us took only five months…a miracle.
Thank God for His wondrous blessings!

 

[Anne_G]

I am probably the one being hard on annulements. As I said in my post I wasn’t married (non practising for most of it) but lived together for 22 years, and had 3 children. It wasn’t a happy time for much of it as he was verbally and occasionally physically abusive (unbenown to me for 3 years prior to living together). In particular after I turned to God and the Church he was unbearable. He actually caused me to spend 4 months in a pyschiatric hospital , and it was this reason I had to leave, as I could see him trying to get me back in there whenever I even looked at him in the wrong way. My point is, is that I was with him for 22 years and have 3 children with him. I know it was not a marriage but that was what I believed it to be before turning to God, and after turning to God, for 5 years I prayed unceassingly for help for my ex partner to change and stop being abusive so we could get married. Obviously this didn’t happen, so I have to stand by what was in my heart for the whole relationship, and that was that I viewed it as my one and only marriage. For me to now deny that and say, oh well I wasn’t married so I am now entitled to get married to someone else, would be hypocritical, and I know God would be very angry.
I have absolutely nothing against people having to seperate if one’s safety or sanity is at risk. It is remarrying afterwards that I am against. What if 6 months or 18 months or even 3 years later God called your abusive ex-apouse and he or she was healed of their obusive nature, and then returned to you to try to get the family back together? If you have remarried then obviously there is not a hope. Isn’t this what God would be hoping for too, that a broken family can be healed and come back together? Annulments put a finality on it. There is never any going back. If my ex partner were to find God in the future and come to his senses about how he treated God, myself and my children, then I will be in a position to at least give him another chance, which is what I believe God would want me to do, no matter what he’s done in the past.
One other thing is that I can see that remarrying (or in my case just getting married to another) can cause pain for others. Although I do not want to be with my ex partner ever unless he had a complete change, he went off with somebody else about 3 weeks after we seperated, and that really hurt and rubbed it in that he didn’t love me and hadn’t for many years. If my Mother was still alive she would have been devestated we seperated (as she didn’t know the real him and thought the world of him), he has now severed ties completely with my siblings and extended family even though they tried to remain in touch with him. The sepeartion affected my children enormously and though him being with someone else hasn’t, I know they are a rarity. Then there’s our friends. Also, after having a close relationship with his parents and siblings, that is falling by the wayside now and I know thats because he has someone else and so they feel they need to show her more loyalty than me. It can just make such a mess.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

The fact is, if you lived with him, there was no sacramental bond, no matter how you feel about the time. That’s not to say there was not an emotional attachment. But there was no marriage. We can’t confuse feelings with objective reality. It’s the same way with people who say “We FEEL married” as an excuse to fornicate. Doesn’t matter. They’re not married.

It sounds like you are still holding on to some hope that things will change with your ex.

If an ex truly converted and found God, they would want the best for you. They would be happy for you and the kids if someone came along and gave you the happiness and love they wouldn’t give you. The fact is, our actions can sever human relationships as well as our relationship with God.

I hope you find healing and find yourself able to move on someday.

 

[dulcissima]

Hi Anne G,

I realized after replied to your last post that I hadn’t really read your post very carefully, saying that your marriage was probably valid when you weren’t even married. The number of years and number of children really have nothing to do with whether or not a marriage was valid, even when there was a marriage ceremony. I was married for 17 years and had 4 children, but there were so many factors that I think kept us from having a valid marriage when we echanged our vows. The way the relationship was unhealthy and no matter how hard I tried that I could hever make my ex happy or loving, are evidence that the graces that protect a valid marriage weren’t really there. Like you I prayed, and the answer to my prayers was worse and worse treatment by my ex.

You’ve been hurt. I think you need to realize that you deserved better, and that you should never be with someone, never marry someone, who does not treasure you and who does not recognize your human dignity. I hope that you will get to the point that you have some hope and have some trust that there are happy days ahead for you. This may or may not include a husband, but I think it is a possibility worth being open to.

God is not a Father who expects us to forever wallow in our mistakes. When we see that we have done wrong, he offers us hope and a fresh start. He is a merciful Father. I hope you know how much he loves you and how living a happy and holy life can reflect that love for others.

 

[Anne_G]

Hi Dulcissima
Thankyou.
I am happy though. It is so peaceful being on my own (with my children). It allows me to do what I want when it comes to God, whether it be praying or perhaps volunteer work, etc, and no one to yell at me or run me down for it.
At this point in time I have no intentions of finding anyone else, as per my previous posts, and I am quite happy with that. I don’t believe being on your own is the worst thing in the world for reasons stated above. But I do need healing for what my ex partner has done and continues to do, and my children still need healing over the seperation, so any prayers would be much appreciated.
I am sorry if I am harsh on annulments. I know some are warranted (eg forced into marriage, mental illness, etc) and I know many people may have been in abusive relationships which is absolutely devastating, but I do get upset seeing so many appear to have received them when their marriage may have been able to be saved. I just believe there is hope for most marriages no matter what was missing prior to the vows. With God anything is possible.
I still do believe that remarrying can and does cause more hurt, not for the 2 getting married but perhaps for any children involved, extended family and friends, ex spouses. I’m sure that’s why God made this law. The whole teaching of Christianity is to live a life that will not hurt others, so if remarrying someone else hurts another then how can it be a good thing.
God bless

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Remarriage isn’t always hurtful to people. Even my ex MIL told my daughter she hopes I find a nice man who will take care of me. My daughters want me to date. They don’t like that I’m alone so much when they are at their father’s. (They don’t like HIM dating, but that’s a whole 'nuther story.)

I just haven’t found anyone that appeals to me. Or who doesn’t send off alarm bells just meeting them. By my age, the good faithful men are mostly being faithful husbands or ordained priests. There’s not a whole lot of choice past a certain age.

 

[dulcissima]

Hi Dulcissima
Thankyou.
I am happy though. It is so peaceful being on my own (with my children). It allows me to do what I want when it comes to God, whether it be praying or perhaps volunteer work, etc, and no one to yell at me or run me down for it.
At this point in time I have no intentions of finding anyone else, as per my previous posts, and I am quite happy with that. I don’t believe being on your own is the worst thing in the world for reasons stated above. But I do need healing for what my ex partner has done and continues to do, and my children still need healing over the seperation, so any prayers would be much appreciated.
I am sorry if I am harsh on annulments. I know some are warranted (eg forced into marriage, mental illness, etc) and I know many people may have been in abusive relationships which is absolutely devastating, but I do get upset seeing so many appear to have received them when their marriage may have been able to be saved. I just believe there is hope for most marriages no matter what was missing prior to the vows. With God anything is possible.
I still do believe that remarrying can and does cause more hurt, not for the 2 getting married but perhaps for any children involved, extended family and friends, ex spouses. I’m sure that’s why God made this law. The whole teaching of Christianity is to live a life that will not hurt others, so if remarrying someone else hurts another then how can it be a good thing.
God bless

I’m glad you are feeling that peace. Most days I am too, although my ex has been up to mischief and drama lately.

Some of my kids have already expressed a desire for me to remarry, others have issues with it. I am still working on helping my kids find some healing and peace now, as the ones that are still going to see their dad are having a hard time. He really takes his frustrations on not being in control of me out on them, so it’s hard. They pretty much are my focus right now. Still, because my three youngest are all boys I would like them to have another positive male role model who can offer them an alternative perspective on what it means to be a man. I would also like that for my daughter. As it is now, she says she never wants to get married.

Then there’s what I want…and that is to be in a healthy loving relationship where we build each other up and share a common vision.

I do understand your feelings, but was just hoping that it wasn’t based on you thinking you had made a commitment and now you had to stick with it, no matter the outcome.