Sex before marriage

[Kelfa28]

So basically you are saying don’t get married until you are ready to have babies?

I do feel that a career for me is important as I’ve always been really bright as school and everyone sees that I have potential. I’m hoping to be a psychologist and help people with mental health issues but this means that marriage/family/children will have to wait as it is a very intense and long degree…I just feel a bit ripped off as few of my friends did not go to university and started working as hairdressers etc and got married really young and were able to have sex, but for me, because I want to help people, and because this process will take a while, marriage and sex and children and everything else that comes with it, has to be pushed back…or even if I got married now, I’d need to avoid having children because there would be no way I could juggle that with such an intense degree…which means I’d be sinning because I’d be avoiding having children for a few years in my marriage.

There is no excuse to have sex before marriage. By your logic for wanting a degree (which is perfectly fine, feasible and even reasonable) you should be totally exempt from waiting?

Or are you just complaining?

I’m married and I have a child and I’m working hard to earn my degree now. It’s feasible for me. My husband and I own a house and we aren’t even 30 yet.

Life isn’t easy and it’s not predictable…things happen.

I didn’t go to college straight out of high school, met my husband while I was there, finish my bachelor’s at the age of 22 and my master’s at 24 and got a fabulous career at 25. I didn’t marry my husband at 25, buy a house and have the 2.1 children and dog we are all expected to do and have.

And you know what? Everything was fine. It all worked out and I’m glad I got married and had my children first before I finished school.

But first things first…sex before marriage is wrong and NOT healthy for any relationship. You cannot discern marriage if you are already having sex. Full stop. No excuses.

Something has to wait if you are thinking about marriage and school. You can’t have both. Plus, the ONLY way to prevent having children is to NOT have sex. Even if you are charting there is always the possibility you can get pregnant. Then what? You get married and have to make a choice or work that much harder.

 

[Kelfa28]

But yeah all this study/career stuff doesn’t really seem compatible with having a boyfriend, so maybe I’ll just have to break it off with him and find someone when I am ready to have children. P.S. does it help to pray for my boyfriend? In terms of making him come back to his faith?

YES!!!



Never, ever stop praying! Prayer always works! Praying is powerful and should be a tool you always use when things get hard and rough.

Praying for your boyfriend can work…but we can’t predict how God works. Everything is in God’s time. But I know prayer works. It has always worked for me.

 

[epan]

Ok, so are you saying its best that I end this relationship with him? Yes financially I’m not ready to get married, but what does that mean, that God will bring someone into my life when I’ve finished all my studies and are financially ready? Sounds too ‘perfect.’

What does, “financially nor ready to get married,” mean? It is cheaper to live together, and you would be married and can support and love each other.

 

[marubcic]

There is no excuse to have sex before marriage. By your logic for wanting a degree (which is perfectly fine, feasible and even reasonable) you should be totally exempt from waiting?

Or are you just complaining?

I’m married and I have a child and I’m working hard to earn my degree now. It’s feasible for me. My husband and I own a house and we aren’t even 30 yet.

Life isn’t easy and it’s not predictable…things happen.

I didn’t go to college straight out of high school, met my husband while I was there, finish my bachelor’s at the age of 22 and my master’s at 24 and got a fabulous career at 25. I didn’t marry my husband at 25, buy a house and have the 2.1 children and dog we are all expected to do and have.

And you know what? Everything was fine. It all worked out and I’m glad I got married and had my children first before I finished school.

But first things first…sex before marriage is wrong and NOT healthy for any relationship. You cannot discern marriage if you are already having sex. Full stop. No excuses.

Something has to wait if you are thinking about marriage and school. You can’t have both. Plus, the ONLY way to prevent having children is to NOT have sex. Even if you are charting there is always the possibility you can get pregnant. Then what? You get married and have to make a choice or work that much harder.

No I know I’m not exempt, I’m just complaining, probably because I find it sometimes harder to do what I am doing than the girls who got married younger because they went on to become hairdressers etc (not saying there is anything stupid about hairdressing just using it as an example) and were able to have sex and children etc whilst I’m pursuing a degree and career I do feel passionate about, but at the same time missing out on the intimacy of marriage/sex in the ‘prime years’ of my life so to speak

 

[marubcic]

What does, “financially nor ready to get married,” mean? It is cheaper to live together, and you would be married and can support and love each other.

As in we have zero money to put a deposit down on a house or pay off mortgage ( we couldnt even get a mortgage as we are studying). Renting would be the only way, but even that is very expensive in my city

 

[epan]

As in we have zero money to put a deposit down on a house or pay off mortgage ( we couldnt even get a mortgage as we are studying). Renting would be the only way, but even that is very expensive in my city

Are you living “at home”, then? Otherwise, I don’t understand.

 

[marubcic]

Are you living “at home”, then? Otherwise, I don’t understand.

Yeah we are both living at home, yeah (I have a wonderful family)

 

[Kelfa28]

No I know I’m not exempt, I’m just complaining, probably because I find it sometimes harder to do what I am doing than the girls who got married younger because they went on to become hairdressers etc (not saying there is anything stupid about hairdressing just using it as an example) and were able to have sex and children etc whilst I’m pursuing a degree and career I do feel passionate about, but at the same time missing out on the intimacy of marriage/sex in the ‘prime years’ of my life so to speak

My husband and I rented out an apartment from another young Catholic couple when we were first starting out. It was their house and they had already been together for a few years. They were younger then us by a couple of years.

He was an electrician and she was…you guessed it…a hairdresser. They were doing quite well for themselves.

I was a paramedic and my husband has been in the military for 10 years…four of them full time. None of the four of us had college degrees and we still made it work. In fact, at one point, my husband and I were pulling in 6 figures between his new job and promotion and all of the overtime I was getting at work. It was enough to save for a house and pay off all of our debt and get ourselves comfortable for the future.
That was with just two high school degrees, some technical training and some ingenuity.

My husband and I moved out of that apartment because we had purchased our own house.

If you want a higher degree…then go for it. People pursue their bachelor’s, master’s and even PhD while married and with children. They work with their situations and their spouses to make it happen.

My husband and I are working hard for that to happen so I can get my bachelor’s. Our friends, our old landlords, are doing the same thing as the husband is also getting his bachelor’s as well.

Your life doesn’t stop for marriage and childbearing. I can’t believe people are convinced that you have to do everything in a specific order and then complain about it.

If you want to get married then do it. If you want to have kids then do it. You don’t have to magically have everything in a neat little row to get it done. You just have to make sure you both have discerned the relationship carefully and prayed about it and taken the time to get to know each other without all the hormones and blindfolds that sex creates.

If your husband loves you and you love him you will make sacrifices within marriage to build your lives together.

I sacrificed my job to have a baby and go back to school. It was security and stability that I didn’t really want to give up but realized I had to if I wanted to build my life with my husband and my children. My husband sacrificed several deployments that would have brought in far more income in order to be home for me and his daughter and so I could have the time to go to school. He is also sacrificing his GI bill for me so I can go to school totally for free because he knows out of the two of us…I’m the better student and will get the work done. As a result, he’ll probably never earn a degree beyond an associates. He is fine with that.

Sex is not the highlight of a marriage. Far from it. You’ll find it’s far more difficult to practice NFP within marriage because you are not only allowed to have sex but are encouraged to. It’s a sin to turn your spouse for no reason. This makes it far more difficult to practice NFP and space children.

Marriage doesn’t cure all problems…it just creates new ones you need to handle. You should never go into marriage as a sigh of relief you can have sex now because it is allowed. It’s one small aspect of marriage.

Personally, as much as I adore and love my husband, and as happy as I am with him and as in love with my daughter I am…life was SO much easier when I was single. I worried about me and only me. Now I have two other people that come before me besides God.

 

[marubcic]

My husband and I rented out an apartment from another young Catholic couple when we were first starting out. It was their house and they had already been together for a few years. They were younger then us by a couple of years.

He was an electrician and she was…you guessed it…a hairdresser. They were doing quite well for themselves.

I was a paramedic and my husband has been in the military for 10 years…four of them full time. None of the four of us had college degrees and we still made it work. In fact, at one point, my husband and I were pulling in 6 figures between his new job and promotion and all of the overtime I was getting at work. It was enough to save for a house and pay off all of our debt and get ourselves comfortable for the future.
That was with just two high school degrees, some technical training and some ingenuity.

My husband and I moved out of that apartment because we had purchased our own house.

If you want a higher degree…then go for it. People pursue their bachelor’s, master’s and even PhD while married and with children. They work with their situations and their spouses to make it happen.

My husband and I are working hard for that to happen so I can get my bachelor’s. Our friends, our old landlords, are doing the same thing as the husband is also getting his bachelor’s as well.

Your life doesn’t stop for marriage and childbearing. I can’t believe people are convinced that you have to do everything in a specific order and then complain about it.

If you want to get married then do it. If you want to have kids then do it. You don’t have to magically have everything in a neat little row to get it done. You just have to make sure you both have discerned the relationship carefully and prayed about it and taken the time to get to know each other without all the hormones and blindfolds that sex creates.

If your husband loves you and you love him you will make sacrifices within marriage to build your lives together.

I sacrificed my job to have a baby and go back to school. It was security and stability that I didn’t really want to give up but realized I had to if I wanted to build my life with my husband and my children. My husband sacrificed several deployments that would have brought in far more income in order to be home for me and his daughter and so I could have the time to go to school. He is also sacrificing his GI bill for me so I can go to school totally for free because he knows out of the two of us…I’m the better student and will get the work done. As a result, he’ll probably never earn a degree beyond an associates. He is fine with that.

Sex is not the highlight of a marriage. Far from it. You’ll find it’s far more difficult to practice NFP within marriage because you are not only allowed to have sex but are encouraged to. It’s a sin to turn your spouse for no reason. This makes it far more difficult to practice NFP and space children.

Marriage doesn’t cure all problems…it just creates new ones you need to handle. You should never go into marriage as a sigh of relief you can have sex now because it is allowed. It’s one small aspect of marriage.

Personally, as much as I adore and love my husband, and as happy as I am with him and as in love with my daughter I am…life was SO much easier when I was single. I worried about me and only me. Now I have two other people that come before me besides God.

Well all I know is that I don’t want to have children yet, I’m not ready for it and there are so many other things I want to do in life

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well all I know is that I don’t want to have children yet, I’m not ready for it and there are so many other things I want to do in life

Well, just recognize that babies are the natural outcome of having sex. That’s what God designed it for - the uniting of man and woman to create children. So if you’re not ready to have children, having sex is cheating God, in a way. I’m sure you don’t want to do that.

 

[Moore11]

So basically you are saying don’t get married until you are ready to have babies?

I do feel that a career for me is important as I’ve always been really bright as school and everyone sees that I have potential. I’m hoping to be a psychologist and help people with mental health issues but this means that marriage/family/children will have to wait as it is a very intense and long degree…I just feel a bit ripped off as few of my friends did not go to university and started working as hairdressers etc and got married really young and were able to have sex, but for me, because I want to help people, and because this process will take a while, marriage and sex and children and everything else that comes with it, has to be pushed back…or even if I got married now, I’d need to avoid having children because there would be no way I could juggle that with such an intense degree…which means I’d be sinning because I’d be avoiding having children for a few years in my marriage.

No, that is not what I am saying. You seem like a bright person who is able to do well with complicated subjects at the collegiate level. So I am going to advise you to learn about what the Church teaches about the purpose of sex, and the purpose of marriage. As a Catholic you should understand what it is and why it is that way. This is more important than any college degree. This is your future. Your Holy family, Your domestic Church. Take the time to contemplate, take the time to pray, take the time to follow the path that God has laid out for you within His Holy Church. The Church is wise. Much wiser than you or I. I guess what I am saying is you need to think less of your wants and more of God’s purpose for you and your being.

While you may not have to “have babies as soon as you are married” You need to understand that each time you and your spouse consummate your marriage you are asking God his Will for your family. So in a way, while you may not “have” to have children you must act with the openness to life that God intends within a marriage.

Since you bring up psychology I’m sure you are aware of how people should be counseled to make smart, wise, healthy and HOLY decisions. You should apply that to yourself and learn about the Church, Marriage, and the purpose of Sex. I would suggest Theology of the Body and some study guides for it. As well as some good Catholic authors that love this topic. Not the least of which is Coffin’s “Sex au natural.”

 

[PennyinCanada]

…what does that mean, that God will bring someone into my life when I’ve finished all my studies and are financially ready? Sounds too ‘perfect.’

God is very interested in holy marriages where the spouses grow in holiness together and bring blessing upon their families, their neighborhoods, their work places and schools. To walk with God in an intimate way every day and live into that answer is our part to play. God will take care of the details. I can say this with confidence because he did with me.

To have a non-Catholic boyfriend and to be having sex when you are not married makes it appear that you haven’t yet grasped and made your own, the vision of what God may want to do with your life and with a life partner. You can ask for an increase in trust and faith in God’s plan for your life, especially as the wonder of the birth of Christ approaches.

Walking hand in hand with God is not boring, it just may turn you upside down and inside out, in the best possible way.

 

[fpt]

I have simple questions, before marriage:

Do you do the difference between sex between a fiancée and her fiancé who are in love and sex between a boyfriend and his girlfriend who are in love, just before fiançaille?

Do you do the difference between sex between a boyfriend and his girlfriend who are in love and sex between a boyfriend and his girlfriend who are not in love (sex only for sex)?

ETC.
**
Do you see a level or a degree in the immoral acts? **

 

[fred_conty]

It all depends on your trust in God. Do you trust him? He said that sex outside of marriage is no good and therefore shouldn’t be done. Why would he say such a thing? For your own betterment and happiness. Do you think he knows what he is talking about?

Pray as Jesus prayed in the Garden, “Father, not my will be done, but yours.”

Pray that he present you with a partner that will be the best for you. Pray over it. Keep asking him to show you. Keep saying that you are depending on him as your Father in heaven. To protect you and watch over you. That you are leaning on his judgment for someone who will be good to you and will lead you to him. Tell him how helpless you are as his child and are in need of his guidance. Ask him to arrange it for you because he knows you better than you know yourself.

Talk to him from your heart with love, and as his child. Then trust him, and do the right thing.

Just some thoughts about our Father.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Yeah we both are students and live at home. I don’t think he wants to get married for at least until his PHD is over (so another 4-5years) which seems like a reallyyyyy long time. I’m 23 by the way. I’ve always thought that getting married involved needing to buy a house first, which won’t be possible for either of us for a long time. We didn’t use contraception the two times we had intercourse (this sounds odd but my periods are very regular and chart them, so I avoid sex the 8 days every month I can get pregnant)

Honestly I think any guy who says this is really saying I’m not ready to get married or I’m wanting to marry you. If a guy really wants a lady he wouldn’t wait that long. Just my opinion but I think the PHD is just an excuse and he maybe he’s using it to put you off. I would move on if it were me. My first thought before engaging in anymore sexual behavior would be would he still be around if it results in a child? Irregular or not I’ve known ladies who used the pill and still got pregnant they don’t advertise it but it does happen…just something to keep in mind. Also just because you love someone doesn’t mean they are the right person for you. You might be in one place in your life and they are way behind you or way ahead. Prayers.

 

[Kelfa28]

Well all I know is that I don’t want to have children yet, I’m not ready for it and there are so many other things I want to do in life

Sex=babies…

regardless of contraceptives, understanding your cycle, or whatever other “precautions” you are taking.

Contraceptives fail, we get caught up in the moment, etc, etc.

You don’t want kids yet? You’re not ready for them?

Simple, stop having sex. Unless you are ready for the inevitable consequences and can accept the responsibility.

I couldn’t quit the sex with my finace…before we got married…guess what?
I got pregnant.

 

[akela135]

As in we have zero money to put a deposit down on a house or pay off mortgage ( we couldnt even get a mortgage as we are studying). Renting would be the only way, but even that is very expensive in my city

I think it is admirable what you want to do with your life. I encourage you to pray about this decision. I wanted to offer you my advice.

I’ve always found there are two trains of thought when it comes to marriage. One is that you must do everything you want first and be set up in a career before you walk down the aisle. For instance, have money for a house, have a career, travel the world with your friends or by yourself, have a nice car. Basically enjoy life before you take on responsibility and settle down with a family.

The other way is building your life with a family. Get married early, save for a house with your spouse, share your joys and successes as you work up in your career, travel with your spouse, go to school while coming home to your spouse, car shop with your spouse for a family vehicle.

I think there is a lot of merit in both of them and you have to decide what way is right for you. My husband and I picked the second choice. I just turned 24 and my husband is 25. While he has a master degree he has been unable to find a job outside of part time. He spends the rest of his time working on writing as one day he wants to be a full time novelist. I’m in the process of applying to go back to graduate school to work on getting a masters in microbiology (Which will mean long hours in the lab). We both are saving for a car as ours is on the last legs (we share one). We think if we work hard we can afford a down payment next summer on a used car. We talk all the time about the house we want to build and how we’d like to own land. I can’t even imagine at what point we’d have enough money for something so incredible! Until then we live in an apartment and get by month to month. I am so glad we got married when we did. I feel like every day we add a new lego building block to our lives. We talk every day about where our lives are headed and I enjoy sharing the journey. So I want to encourage you not to be afraid to try the second option!

 

[Kal2012]

I agree with Luvz2travel regarding the waiting 4-5 years to get the PhD/married bit. I have to wonder if it will turn into “wait until I get a job, dear?” What’s going to happen if he doesn’t get into his preferred PhD program? I’ve seen plenty of smart people denied admission to graduate/professional school the first time they apply. Does that mean that marriage will have to wait 5-6 or more years?

It’s not all about you when looking at marriage. It’s about what’s right for both of you.

If he’s happy with the way things are going, but you’d like to get married, then maybe there’s no point in you sticking around and waiting.

I really don’t mean to be a downer, however as someone who is married to a non-practicing Catholic, it’s really hard to be married to someone who’s not in the same place as you spiritually. It takes a lot of effort not to be brought down by that attitude.

In my profile, you will note that I am a protestant; however, I am currently attending my parish’s RCIA class. Still, as it is in most families, the wife is the church-goer and the person responsible for transmitting the faith to the kids. (Sorry, if I’ve offended any husbands out there, but in my experience, it’s been the woman who’s the church goer, not the man).

So, if you marry someone who doesn’t go to church or do the things that he needs to do to step up and serve Christ, then you are going to have to figure out how to transmit those values to the kid(s) w/o backup.

My husband is Catholic and will not attend a Protestant church - which is why I started looking for a parish to attend. Thankfully, we live in a heavily Catholic area, so I had good Catholics to ask! Still, I’m the one who gets the kid ready for mass and out the door. Husband doesn’t go with me. He’s simply not interested. So, while I’m learning mass and how to do things more Catholic, my son is learning and becoming a part of the community too. (And, husband is too, if only reluctantly…)

At first, my son was the reason why I started RCIA, but now it’s all about my relationship w/Christ.

(Sorry, I’m totally hijacking your thread)

The point is that you want someone who shares your values. You want someone who wants to be married to you and can’t imagine his life w/out you. When you have that, you are more willing to work things out and compromise. It is so much more work and time praying for your husband to be the husband that you and God would like him to be. (Yes, I’m speaking from experience!)

I’m thankful that my husband has always accepted that our marriage has three people in it (me, him, and Jesus!), but it’s still hard not having the guy who will pray with you or for you and go to mass with and participate in the church community. You get resentful. You try not to, but you are human and you feel what you feel.

(If you are going to marry someone who doesn’t share your values, then you need to go in w/your eyes open and realize that there are some things about the other person that you just aren’t going to change by willing it and wanting it to be so. You will be going it alone in a major part of your life.)

We’ve been together 11 years and I’m still praying for my husband to come back to his relationship with Christ. St. Monica is definitely one of my newly discovered heroines.

 

[marubcic]

I think it is admirable what you want to do with your life. I encourage you to pray about this decision. I wanted to offer you my advice.

I’ve always found there are two trains of thought when it comes to marriage. One is that you must do everything you want first and be set up in a career before you walk down the aisle. For instance, have money for a house, have a career, travel the world with your friends or by yourself, have a nice car. Basically enjoy life before you take on responsibility and settle down with a family.

**The other way is building your life with a family. Get married early, save for a house with your spouse, share your joys and successes as you work up in your career, travel with your spouse, go to school while coming home to your spouse, car shop with your spouse for a family vehicle. **

I think there is a lot of merit in both of them and you have to decide what way is right for you. My husband and I picked the second choice. I just turned 24 and my husband is 25. While he has a master degree he has been unable to find a job outside of part time. He spends the rest of his time working on writing as one day he wants to be a full time novelist. I’m in the process of applying to go back to graduate school to work on getting a masters in microbiology (Which will mean long hours in the lab). We both are saving for a car as ours is on the last legs (we share one). We think if we work hard we can afford a down payment next summer on a used car. We talk all the time about the house we want to build and how we’d like to own land. I can’t even imagine at what point we’d have enough money for something so incredible! Until then we live in an apartment and get by month to month. I am so glad we got married when we did. I feel like every day we add a new lego building block to our lives. We talk every day about where our lives are headed and I enjoy sharing the journey. So I want to encourage you not to be afraid to try the second option!

This is interesting…didn’t think of it this way. My parents have always raised me to be prepared e.g. good job, deposit down on house, financially very stable man etc before getting married…but you have made me think…thanks!

 

[marubcic]

I agree with Luvz2travel regarding the waiting 4-5 years to get the PhD/married bit. I have to wonder if it will turn into “wait until I get a job, dear?” What’s going to happen if he doesn’t get into his preferred PhD program? I’ve seen plenty of smart people denied admission to graduate/professional school the first time they apply. Does that mean that marriage will have to wait 5-6 or more years?

It’s not all about you when looking at marriage. It’s about what’s right for both of you.

If he’s happy with the way things are going, but you’d like to get married, then maybe there’s no point in you sticking around and waiting.

I really don’t mean to be a downer, however as someone who is married to a non-practicing Catholic, it’s really hard to be married to someone who’s not in the same place as you spiritually. It takes a lot of effort not to be brought down by that attitude.

In my profile, you will note that I am a protestant; however, I am currently attending my parish’s RCIA class. Still, as it is in most families, the wife is the church-goer and the person responsible for transmitting the faith to the kids. (Sorry, if I’ve offended any husbands out there, but in my experience, it’s been the woman who’s the church goer, not the man).

So, if you marry someone who doesn’t go to church or do the things that he needs to do to step up and serve Christ, then you are going to have to figure out how to transmit those values to the kid(s) w/o backup.

My husband is Catholic and will not attend a Protestant church - which is why I started looking for a parish to attend. Thankfully, we live in a heavily Catholic area, so I had good Catholics to ask! Still, I’m the one who gets the kid ready for mass and out the door. Husband doesn’t go with me. He’s simply not interested. So, while I’m learning mass and how to do things more Catholic, my son is learning and becoming a part of the community too. (And, husband is too, if only reluctantly…)

At first, my son was the reason why I started RCIA, but now it’s all about my relationship w/Christ.

(Sorry, I’m totally hijacking your thread)

The point is that you want someone who shares your values. You want someone who wants to be married to you and can’t imagine his life w/out you. When you have that, you are more willing to work things out and compromise. It is so much more work and time praying for your husband to be the husband that you and God would like him to be. (Yes, I’m speaking from experience!)

I’m thankful that my husband has always accepted that our marriage has three people in it (me, him, and Jesus!), but it’s still hard not having the guy who will pray with you or for you and go to mass with and participate in the church community. You get resentful. You try not to, but you are human and you feel what you feel.

(If you are going to marry someone who doesn’t share your values, then you need to go in w/your eyes open and realize that there are some things about the other person that you just aren’t going to change by willing it and wanting it to be so. You will be going it alone in a major part of your life.)

We’ve been together 11 years and I’m still praying for my husband to come back to his relationship with Christ. St. Monica is definitely one of my newly discovered heroines.

Yeah my dad is like your husband. My mum is super holy and has raised me to love God and church (I sing in the choir every Sunday and love it). My dad only goes to church for my mum. He never prays, he has doubts etc. When mum met him- he wasn’t confirmed and didnt’t receive Holy Communion (came from a Communist family). But I look at mum and she is amazing, to have done so much to instill faith in me and my brother with a husband like that…I feel like I am a bit like her. I always befriend the strays, the outcasts, the stubborn people, the doubters, those that have been hurt…and want to ‘work on them’. I make it hard on myself because I am attracted to that…