Sex before marriage

[twoangels]

Not sure if this should be posted here,but anyways. I have struggled with sex before marriage for three years now, I am 23. I slept with my ex-bf who was catholic and he went to church, but the temptation was strong so we both gave in.

I hope you made a good confession and work toward cultivating the virtue of chastity in your life. It takes a lot of self mastery and understanding. Repent, but don’t be too hard on yourself either.

A man I am seeing now, is not a practising Catholic. I have had sex with him. He is the first man that I can say I truly would give up my life for, I don’t know why.

Careful not to turn him into an idol. The culture idolizes romantic love, unforunately. Its not that love can’t have its place in a dating relationship, but our hearts have no brains but our own.

Lately I am thinking about where I am headed in life. I’d like to get married someday and have children in my 30s,

Its not that you’re required to get pregnant as soon as you marry, but delaying pregnancy till you’re 30’s is questionable. I’d say its too pre-planned. With marriage, you don’t know when you’ll meet the one God calls you to marry. The same is with pregnancy. Its easy to have a plan, but you don’t know when God’s going to bless you with either.

Its not like a career path. As such, I’d say a career path needs flexibility. I wouldn’t recommend dating at all unless you have a flexibility enough plan where you could see yourself marrying in 2 or 3 years. But then again, years could go by without meeting someone and you also wouldn’t be putting your life on hold because of it. So flexibility is key. Flexibility allows you to adjust your life to God’s Divine Providence. A lack of flexibility can stem from a desire to have things exclusively your way. “My will by done” rather than “Thy will be done.”

but right now, I have many years of education left and financially getting married would be impossible, particularly as my family is quite poor and would be unable to contribute in any way.

I don’t know why your family would need to contribute financially to your marriage. Also, you can have a Catholic wedding on a small budget. A wedding is a nice celebration, but don’t let it distract you from what’s important in life. You shouldn’t plan your financial decisions upon affording a wedding. Your wedding budget should adjust itself automatically to your financial situation and prudence. So if you marry younger and more financially tight, you have a small wedding. So what?

My boyfriend is also in college and has many years left. Should I break up with him?

I would encourage you to take at least maybe a semester taking a break from dating. Perhaps get a spiritual director. You need to decide when you’re ready to date and have an idea of what characteristics you’re looking to find in a spouse. If you don’t know what you want, than you’re heart will lack any wise guidence. It will jump at what is immediately thrilling, what currently pets it and feeds its appetite for affection. It won’t look at the long term stuff. It’ll gloss over red flags. The head and the heart have to be used together.

It would be difficult to all of a sudden turn around and say no more sex until we are married which will be many years to come.

I think dating for years with the intention of willfully refusing sex, is like making a decision to go on a strict dietary fast while regularly sitting yourself on regular dates and outings with the food you’ve given up all while telling yourself “Nope, I’m not allowed to eat. I’ll just smell and look at you and spend my time thinking about the day I’ll be done with this fast.”

If you’re can’t marry in a couple of years, dating is just a self indulgent near occassion of sin.

The thing that bothers me is, because I have had sex with men, if I wanted to wait til marriage, no man who would also want to wait til marriage would want to be with me e.g. I went on two dates with Catholic men who were virgins and once they uncovered I wasn’t one they ended it, even though I said I would wait for them.

I don’t think you need to discuss virginity or lack of virginity on a first date. That’s a really intense topic. Keep first dates light hearted. What matters is that you agree how to date, more than your past. Telling people your deepest darkest secrets is in a way a sort of immodesty. Yes, its probably best to tell the person you’re going to marry before you marry, but probably not at the beginning unless you want your past sins public.

On the other hand, I want to bring my boyfriend closer to God, I feel a great need to change him and see potential in him. Your advice would be much appreciated.

A person can only change themselves, and their relationship with God is best developed independant of romantic relationships. Look for someone who is already the type of person you can accept in marriage without any changes. It doesn’t mean they will be perfect, but don’t look at men as people you can mold to your desires and fantasies. Moreover, if you’re tempting each other to sexual immorality, you are leading each other away from God, not to God.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yeah my dad is like your husband. My mum is super holy and has raised me to love God and church (I sing in the choir every Sunday and love it). My dad only goes to church for my mum. He never prays, he has doubts etc. When mum met him- he wasn’t confirmed and didnt’t receive Holy Communion (came from a Communist family). But I look at mum and she is amazing, to have done so much to instill faith in me and my brother with a husband like that…I feel like I am a bit like her. I always befriend the strays, the outcasts, the stubborn people, the doubters, those that have been hurt…and want to ‘work on them’. I make it hard on myself because I am attracted to that…

Fight that attraction. You’ve seen how difficult it has been for your mum! Why would you sign onto the same experience? Let the Holy Spirit work in those people’s lives, marriage is not a mission field, and taking on a person as a project will cause you heartache and the other person may resent you in spite of your good intentions.

At least your dad does go to church - there is still hope for a true conversion.

 

[marubcic]

The only thing is that I dont seem to have faith that God will bring the right person in my life…like really, will God help you find the right husband? Or is it all just up to chance and being in the right place at the right time? I’ve stopped praying for this because I started praying for it since I was 13 and all these other men seem to cross my path and I’m not sure if a man I am completely into and is a good Catholic will ever happen. I’ve been part of church and youth groups my entire life but it still hasn’t happened. It gets discouraging.And I do have the desire to someday get married and have kids and don’t want to be single my entire life

 

[Kelfa28]

The only thing is that I dont seem to have faith that God will bring the right person in my life…like really, will God help you find the right husband? Or is it all just up to chance and being in the right place at the right time? I’ve stopped praying for this because I started praying for it since I was 13 and all these other men seem to cross my path and I’m not sure if a man I am completely into and is a good Catholic will ever happen. I’ve been part of church and youth groups my entire life but it still hasn’t happened. It gets discouraging.And I do have the desire to someday get married and have kids and don’t want to be single my entire life

Believe it or not…you’re still very young.

I didn’t meet my husband until I was 25…and that is considered young by a lot of people.

I believe that God absolutely does help…but you can’t sit around at home and wait for mr. perfect to come and knock on your door.

It takes time, prayer and some effort on your part.

You seem so busy though and maybe you might need to take a break from worrying about this so much. You have quite a bit of schooling to get through.

I was starting paramedic school right before I met my husband and I knew that medic school was going to be difficult and time consuming, seeing that I was planning on working full time and doing clinics all at the same time. So I decided to take a break from dating…I think I met my husband the month before I started and that was 5 years ago.

God’s time is not our time…his time is far more infinite. We can’t begin to understand why God does what he does but we must trust him. Our time on earth is so short.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The only thing is that I dont seem to have faith that God will bring the right person in my life…like really, will God help you find the right husband? Or is it all just up to chance and being in the right place at the right time? I’ve stopped praying for this because I started praying for it since I was 13 and all these other men seem to cross my path and I’m not sure if a man I am completely into and is a good Catholic will ever happen. I’ve been part of church and youth groups my entire life but it still hasn’t happened. It gets discouraging.And I do have the desire to someday get married and have kids and don’t want to be single my entire life

I think of it more like, “God will help you by giving you the strength to see who the right person might be, and to keep you away from the wrong people.” Not that God is going to send the Perfect Man to you, and you have one of those movie moments where you drop something and he just happens to be there, and picks it up and your eyes lock and bam! you are in love.

When you say “it still hasn’t happened,” what exactly do you mean? You haven’t been dating since you were 13, have you? When it’s time to discern marriage, then you put some effort into that. Right now you said you need to concentrate on your studies.

Or if you really feel you are called to marriage and a family, you could start looking seriously, but not at men who aren’t practicing their faith. There is something to be said for not waiting until all conditions are perfect before marrying and starting a family. People wait too long these days, IMO.

 

[In_Training]

Sex is meant to bond a married couple together, it can be thought of as “super-glue” for marriage. Your brain produces hormones that make you want to stay with your current boyfriend, although you said he is not a practicing Catholic and may not even be suited to you. Your statement about giving up your life for him comes straight out of the false bond of having had sex with him. You should stop having sex with this man immediately. It is a sin to have sex outside of marriage, and it devalues your future marriage. You are “defiling the marriage bed” by sharing your body with men who will not be your husband. You are not in a position to be married so you should not be getting into bed with any man. And any man worth considering as a husband would not want to take advantage of you that way. But for now, you don’t even need to think of men in that way. Go out with groups of people, not alone one-on-one with a man. You will have to learn to treasure yourself enough to resist the temptation to get physical with a man you are attracted to. It is like wearing a beautiful wedding gown into a pig pen…Your body, mind and spirit get dragged down into the mud of transient relationships. Whether you mean to or not, you shut off parts of yourself so as not to get hurt again, and it makes trusting your future husband that much harder.

Trust me, I’ve been there and done that, and could write a book. It’s way too late for me, but it’s not too late for you. Get yourself back under control, stop having sex, it will clear your mind and you will look back and see these men for who they are, not as a result of being super-glued to them through sex.

hi

can i ask if something happened to you that made you feel like having premarital sex is the same as walking into a burning building and coming out burned, damaged and paralyzed? i realize that it can be healthier to wait till marriage, but i don’t think it ruins people’s lives, unless there was something else going on that is being blamed on premarital sex as a “catch all” reason for all failure and misfortune. i know we’re all trying to follow the bible and everything, i get that, i just dont think having sex with your girlfriend definitely ruins all lives. i don’t think sex is “superglue” and i hope that if i ever get married, there will be other things about me that will make my wife want to keep our marriage together, and that my wife won’t be dependent on sex to keep us together. contrary to what i’ve been telling people, i’m actually not god’s gift to women in bed. maybe she’ll settle for a good sense of humor.

i think what you’re describing is actually about relationships and trust, not about the actual act of sex. the deeper issue is that OP is questioning whether this is the right person for her and is wondering (she doesn’t know yet) if they will be able to accept each other no matter what. sex is just a biological result of hormones but deciding who you want to commit to is a more complex process then just “wait, don’t put it in yet.”

sorry. not advocating in either direction regarding premarital sex, but i just think that objectifying sex is still objectifying sex. OP, i’m not a relationship expert but a guy that dumped you for not being a virgin is the same as a guy who dumps you for not putting out. in both situations, you are regarded as a walking hymen, a walking symbol of virginity or the opposite of virginity, which apparently is unimaginable horror and incarnate evil. also, OP, seeing potential in someone is very different from trying to change them. too many people enter into relationships believing they can “change” or “fix” their partner, only to find that you can’t push a cart sideways. you can only smack a dog’s nose so many times until it finally bites you. however, wanting someone to realize their full potential is a very positive thing in a relationship.

 

[Kelfa28]

hi

can i ask if something happened to you that made you feel like having premarital sex is the same as walking into a burning building and coming out burned, damaged and paralyzed? i realize that it can be healthier to wait till marriage, but i don’t think it ruins people’s lives, unless there was something else going on that is being blamed on premarital sex as a “catch all” reason for all failure and misfortune. i know we’re all trying to follow the bible and everything, i get that, i just dont think having sex with your girlfriend definitely ruins all lives. i don’t think sex is “superglue” and i hope that if i ever get married, there will be other things about me that will make my wife want to keep our marriage together, and that my wife won’t be dependent on sex to keep us together. contrary to what i’ve been telling people, i’m actually not god’s gift to women in bed. maybe she’ll settle for a good sense of humor.

i think what you’re describing is actually about relationships and trust, not about the actual act of sex. the deeper issue is that OP is questioning whether this is the right person for her and is wondering (she doesn’t know yet) if they will be able to accept each other no matter what. sex is just a biological result of hormones but deciding who you want to commit to is a more complex process then just “wait, don’t put it in yet.”

sorry. not advocating in either direction regarding premarital sex, but i just think that objectifying sex is still objectifying sex. OP, i’m not a relationship expert but a guy that dumped you for not being a virgin is the same as a guy who dumps you for not putting out. in both situations, you are regarded as a walking hymen, a walking symbol of virginity or the opposite of virginity, which apparently is unimaginable horror and incarnate evil. also, OP, seeing potential in someone is very different from trying to change them. too many people enter into relationships believing they can “change” or “fix” their partner, only to find that you can’t push a cart sideways. you can only smack a dog’s nose so many times until it finally bites you. however, wanting someone to realize their full potential is a very positive thing in a relationship.

sigh

Sex before marriage is absolutely super glue. It clouds your judgement about a potential husband or wife.
You engage in a deeply physical act that is meant to bond and be totally unitive. How can you make a good decision about whether or not this person is good marriage material when you engage in an act that makes it tougher to look at a relationship objectively? This person has seen the most intimate parts of you and you’ve become more vulnerable then with anyone else?
Of course sex is meant for marriage. It is an act that is meant to make a couple one person. Why engage in such an act with someone you aren’t married to if that person is free to break up with you at any time?
How humiliating would that be?
People who are in the wrong relationship and are sexually active, last far longer then they should and result in a much more humiliating and difficult breakup.
This is why so many people end up married to the wrong person and divorce later on in life.
They don’t discern marriage properly and can’t make a good and objective decision as to whether this is the right person for them.

Plus…sex results in babies. What happens when you get pregnant with someone you aren’t sure you want to marry? What happens if the person you got pregnant with isn’t sure they want to marry you? If they were sure…they would have asked already.

As for “following the bible”…we are Catholics. Catholics are to follow sacred scripture and the catechism and both say that it is a grave matter, and thus, a mortal sin to engage in pre-marital sex. Full Stop.

We do this because it is the Truth. The Truth is the ticket to heaven or hell.

The Pope knows what he is talking about because he has spent far, FAR more time praying about it and studying about it. I trust his judgement on the matter and wouldn’t give a second thought to another lay person and their opinions because it’s “hard” or not “fun” or whatever other reason people use to justify their sinful behavior.

Also…civilization depends on the foundation of marriage…it has for the past 5000+ years.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

hi

can i ask if something happened to you that made you feel like having premarital sex is the same as walking into a burning building and coming out burned, damaged and paralyzed?

Yes. I had a lot of premarital sex. And your description of the burning building is quite apt. The burns are on the inside. They don’t show on the outside. You share your body intimately with a person…that person eventually breaks up with you. You are hurt. You turn off parts of yourself, in order to handle that pain. The next person that comes along gets a little less of you than the previous person. And on, and on. Pretty soon you couldn’t care less if you break it off, or if he does. You know it’s going to happen, so what? Who cares. You almost want to hurt the next guy, to make up for all the pain you’ve had to go through. The superglue is all gone.

Then you go to the doctor and you have a bad exam. There’s a real consequence. Which one was it? How to tell? How far back to go? Most of your partners are long gone, never to be seen again. It’s all yours now, going forward. You can hope it will go away. Maybe it can be treated. Maybe not. You’re stuck with it though.

I never got pregnant from premarital sex, but a lot of women do. There’s always an abortion, 1 out of every 4 women has had one, usually encouraged by the baby’s father. Sometimes the abortion ruins you on the inside so that you can never have another baby. Sometimes it just ruins your spirit so that you want to die. Some women get pregnant over and over after having an abortion; some become drug addicts, alcoholics, or commit suicide, or try to.

How’s that? Still think having sex before marriage is a good idea? I could get more graphic, but I won’t. I hope you are sitting there like this.



You should be. I tried to warn my son. He wouldn’t listen. Eventually, he found out I was right. Thank God it only took one mistake for him to realize that I knew what I was talking about. I wish to GOD someone had told me.

 

[In_Training]

sigh

Sex before marriage is absolutely super glue. It clouds your judgement about a potential husband or wife.
You engage in a deeply physical act that is meant to bond and be totally unitive. How can you make a good decision about whether or not this person is good marriage material when you engage in an act that makes it tougher to look at a relationship objectively? This person has seen the most intimate parts of you and you’ve become more vulnerable then with anyone else?
Of course sex is meant for marriage. It is an act that is meant to make a couple one person. Why engage in such an act with someone you aren’t married to if that person is free to break up with you at any time?
How humiliating would that be?
People who are in the wrong relationship and are sexually active, last far longer then they should and result in a much more humiliating and difficult breakup.
This is why so many people end up married to the wrong person and divorce later on in life.
They don’t discern marriage properly and can’t make a good and objective decision as to whether this is the right person for them.

Plus…sex results in babies. What happens when you get pregnant with someone you aren’t sure you want to marry? What happens if the person you got pregnant with isn’t sure they want to marry you? If they were sure…they would have asked already.

As for “following the bible”…we are Catholics. Catholics are to follow sacred scripture and the catechism and both say that it is a grave matter, and thus, a mortal sin to engage in pre-marital sex. Full Stop.

We do this because it is the Truth. The Truth is the ticket to heaven or hell.

The Pope knows what he is talking about because he has spent far, FAR more time praying about it and studying about it. I trust his judgement on the matter and wouldn’t give a second thought to another lay person and their opinions because it’s “hard” or not “fun” or whatever other reason people use to justify their sinful behavior.

Also…civilization depends on the foundation of marriage…it has for the past 5000+ years.

don’t sigh at me. :blackeye:

i guess i see what you’re saying. i just don’t get how you people get it and have all the answers and i’m still struggling. over the last year i’ve become basically unrecognizable, which is a good thing. i follow most of the commandments now, have figured out (for the most part) how to empathize with others, and the last year has been mostly peaceful for me. i feel like the more honest i am, the more content i become with this stuff, even if it doesn’t seem like it. i think a lot of people are misunderstood, no matter who they are or what they believe. a lot of the people who do have premarital sex do so because they choose to, not because they have no discipline. they simply don’t believe in what catholics believe. doesn’t mean they’re bad people.

like i said, i’m not in support of premarital sex. i just think that a lot of things are exaggerated and dramatic in the catholic community. sorry if that offends people…i don’t mean it to. i think the point about avoiding premarital sex is to allow a relationship to grow and mature before you commit. i don’t think you burn in hell for having premarital sex, or become this broken monster who’s just ruined inside and out. it’s when people choose to engage in destructive behavior, that’s what actually destroys things. the actual act of sex itself does not. i told a girl i knew justin beiber so she’d come home with me, and she did. the next day when she figured out what i did, she slit my tires. fine. where did she get the idea to do that? her neighbors. the husband had a heart attack and was admitted to the hospital and missed sunday mass. the wife was so angry that she slit his tires and filed for divorce. i know them, so i know that this actually happened. because she was so sure that he would now burn in hell, that she slit his tires and divorced him. people are friggin crazy, myself included, and it seems like the more faith i have in god, the less i have in humanity. well, humanity’s ability to destroy ourselves over something as trivial as a difference of opinion.

i know what you’re thinking, i’m a terrible christian. and yes, i am, but it works for me for right now, as it might work for others. it’s taken me a year to get even this far, which as i look back has actually been a huge metamorphasis. but i still mess up. i still don’t agree with everything i’m told. but i keep trying. and it’s been the most difficult and the least fun year in my whole life. but underneath that, i know it’s worth it. it’s just hard for me, and people like me, to feel forgiven when people label you or your actions as ‘intrinsically evil.’ yes, i’ve done bad things, hasn’t everyone? i’ve made the same mistakes everyone else has made, so how can people get so comfortable in their existence and know exactly what’s right and wrong while others are still struggling hard?

sorry, i didnt mean to spill everything here. i guess what i’m saying is, i like that you know what you’re doing. people on here seem to have direction and opinions that are ubiquitous. i regret a lot of things i did, and try to move forward, so is it really so dramatically and extremely ‘intrinsically evil’ in context of what i’ve been through? i just don’t think of myself as ‘intrinsically evil’ anymore, even though i do occasionally mess up. doesn’t everyone?

 

[In_Training]

Yes. I had a lot of premarital sex. And your description of the burning building is quite apt. The burns are on the inside. They don’t show on the outside. You share your body intimately with a person…that person eventually breaks up with you. You are hurt. You turn off parts of yourself, in order to handle that pain. The next person that comes along gets a little less of you than the previous person. And on, and on. Pretty soon you couldn’t care less if you break it off, or if he does. You know it’s going to happen, so what? Who cares. You almost want to hurt the next guy, to make up for all the pain you’ve had to go through. The superglue is all gone.

Then you go to the doctor and you have a bad exam. There’s a real consequence. Which one was it? How to tell? How far back to go? Most of your partners are long gone, never to be seen again. It’s all yours now, going forward. You can hope it will go away. Maybe it can be treated. Maybe not. You’re stuck with it though.

I never got pregnant from premarital sex, but a lot of women do. There’s always an abortion, 1 out of every 4 women has had one, usually encouraged by the baby’s father. Sometimes the abortion ruins you on the inside so that you can never have another baby. Sometimes it just ruins your spirit so that you want to die. Some women get pregnant over and over after having an abortion; some become drug addicts, alcoholics, or commit suicide, or try to.

How’s that? Still think having sex before marriage is a good idea? I could get more graphic, but I won’t. I hope you are sitting there like this.



You should be. I tried to warn my son. He wouldn’t listen. Eventually, he found out I was right. Thank God it only took one mistake for him to realize that I knew what I was talking about. I wish to GOD someone had told me.

not every situation is the same. not everyone feels the way you felt coming out of each relationship. not everyone gets broken up with, a lot of couples end up happily married. not all, though. but i think that has to do with picking a partner who’s good for you more than it has to do with, oh we had sex, so i have nothing left to offer in the world.

what i’m trying to say is, i’m sorry for what happened to you. but even chaste people can get broken up with. even people who waited until marriage can get divorced, and for legitimate reasons. it has to do with human behavior, how we relate to others, conflict resolution skills, and what we desire in life.

i don’t believe that 1 in 4 women have had an abortion. that’s hundreds of thousands of women per square mile. married women get abortions too. it’s not any more okay because they are married, and it’s not any less okay if they are unmarried. there is also a difference between being responsible and irresponsible. a lot of people who have premarital sex are in a monogamous relationship with one partner and have had very few other sexual partners, if any at all. premarital sex is not a synonym for promiscuity. there’s a lot of couples out there who have premarital sex and are responsible and careful and yes, still believe it’s a gift.

just because a man treated you like **** and you regret him, it doesn’t mean everyone feels the same as you do or has the same experiences. and no, i don’t think premarital sex is a good idea, i still feel guilty about it. i just dont think the act is evil. i think i screwed up, but that’s all. don’t let you or me be the poster children for premarital sex. we can’t speak for the rest of the population…not everyone uses things for the wrong reasons. just some people do, not all. some people can be trusted with sex, and some can’t. marital status unfortunately won’t change that.

as for the burning building comment…i’m a firefighter.

 

[Kelfa28]

don’t sigh at me. :blackeye:

i guess i see what you’re saying. i just don’t get how you people get it and have all the answers and i’m still struggling. over the last year i’ve become basically unrecognizable, which is a good thing. i follow most of the commandments now, have figured out (for the most part) how to empathize with others, and the last year has been mostly peaceful for me. i feel like the more honest i am, the more content i become with this stuff, even if it doesn’t seem like it. i think a lot of people are misunderstood, no matter who they are or what they believe. a lot of the people who do have premarital sex do so because they choose to, not because they have no discipline. they simply don’t believe in what catholics believe. doesn’t mean they’re bad people.

like i said, i’m not in support of premarital sex. i just think that a lot of things are exaggerated and dramatic in the catholic community. sorry if that offends people…i don’t mean it to. i think the point about avoiding premarital sex is to allow a relationship to grow and mature before you commit. i don’t think you burn in hell for having premarital sex, or become this broken monster who’s just ruined inside and out. it’s when people choose to engage in destructive behavior, that’s what actually destroys things. the actual act of sex itself does not. i told a girl i knew justin beiber so she’d come home with me, and she did. the next day when she figured out what i did, she slit my tires. fine. where did she get the idea to do that? her neighbors. the husband had a heart attack and was admitted to the hospital and missed sunday mass. the wife was so angry that she slit his tires and filed for divorce. i know them, so i know that this actually happened. because she was so sure that he would now burn in hell, that she slit his tires and divorced him. people are friggin crazy, myself included, and it seems like the more faith i have in god, the less i have in humanity. well, humanity’s ability to destroy ourselves over something as trivial as a difference of opinion.

i know what you’re thinking, i’m a terrible christian. and yes, i am, but it works for me for right now, as it might work for others. it’s taken me a year to get even this far, which as i look back has actually been a huge metamorphasis. but i still mess up. i still don’t agree with everything i’m told. but i keep trying. and it’s been the most difficult and the least fun year in my whole life. but underneath that, i know it’s worth it. it’s just hard for me, and people like me, to feel forgiven when people label you or your actions as ‘intrinsically evil.’ yes, i’ve done bad things, hasn’t everyone? i’ve made the same mistakes everyone else has made, so how can people get so comfortable in their existence and know exactly what’s right and wrong while others are still struggling hard?

sorry, i didnt mean to spill everything here. i guess what i’m saying is, i like that you know what you’re doing. people on here seem to have direction and opinions that are ubiquitous. i regret a lot of things i did, and try to move forward, so is it really so dramatically and extremely ‘intrinsically evil’ in context of what i’ve been through? i just don’t think of myself as ‘intrinsically evil’ anymore, even though i do occasionally mess up. doesn’t everyone?

I sigh because there are very good and valid reasons why pre-marital sex is bad. And it’s not just one reason too…it’s tons and tons of reasons.
Pregnancy and single motherhood, STIs, co-habitation, divorce, the break-down of the nuclear family, pornography and masturbation, adultery…the list goes on and on.

Did you know that people who wait until marriage almost never get divorced? It’s almost a virtual certainty that you’ll stay married for the rest of you’re life. Just google the statistics. It crosses religions and secular society.

I wasn’t a virgin when I got married. But oh, do I ever wish I was.

I was one of those people who got pregnant before marriage. My husband did propose to me about a month later but I’ll never, ever know if it was solely because he wanted to marry me or if he was just trying to “do the right thing.”

It’s an awful feeling to have. We’ve talked about it since and my husband always tells me he was going to marry me anyway…but I’ll still never know that and he knows how that makes me feel now.

I’ve made a ton of mistakes before I reverted to the faith. My only hope is to try as hard as I can to never justify my sin but to learn from my mistakes and tell the truth…with my own experience.

It frightens me to think about what my secular former self would have done if I was faced with an “unwanted pregnancy.”
I had always been one of those “abortion isn’t for me but I can’t tell others what to do…” kind of person until I discovered Christianity. I had been with a few different guys, all of them not marriage material, and I don’t know what I would have done if I became pregnant by one of them.
At least one of them had told me if I got pregnant, he’d pay for the abortion. Thank God I’ll never know.
Even if I did have a child…I would have never dated my now husband…who told me children with another guy was an absolute deal breaker for him.

I don’t know everyone’s story…for all I know…some couples are good for each other and it can work out…for other’s it’s not the case.
If anyone comes on here looking to justify sin, due to their past…then I have no problem saying otherwise. Your past is your past. That is up to you, your confessor and God to handle…no one else.

Everyone on this forum is a sinner…but we are here to give good Christian advice. I don’t believe it is good Christian advice to justify pre-marital sex.

 

[Kelfa28]

but even chaste people can get broken up with. even people who waited until marriage can get divorced, and for legitimate reasons. it has to do with human behavior, how we relate to others, conflict resolution skills, and what we desire in life.

i don’t believe that 1 in 4 women have had an abortion. that’s hundreds of thousands of women per square mile. married women get abortions too. it’s not any more okay because they are married, and it’s not any less okay if they are unmarried. there is also a difference between being responsible and irresponsible. a lot of people who have premarital sex are in a monogamous relationship with one partner and have had very few other sexual partners, if any at all. premarital sex is not a synonym for promiscuity. there’s a lot of couples out there who have premarital sex and are responsible and careful and yes, still believe it’s a gift.

Chaste people who break up have a far easier time breaking up then people who have had sex with that person.
Chaste people have an amazing ability to see through the fog and see a relationship for what it is…and not be muddled by all of these hormones and desires flying around.
Sex clouds your judgement.

BTW…58 million babies have been killed by abortions since it’s been legalized.
That is a holocaust X10.
3,000 a day and 1.2 million a year.

Those are numbers I just googled right now.

That is a huge, huge number of daily abortions.

3,000 women every day had sex and got pregnant and decided to kill that kid. Also, 72% of those woman were never married…15% were divorced and now single.
So a vast, vast majority had pre-marital sex and had an unwanted pregnancy.
Think about how those numbers would be if no one engaged in pre-marital sex.

 

[In_Training]

Everyone on this forum is a sinner…but we are here to give good Christian advice. I don’t believe it is good Christian advice to justify pre-marital sex.

Not trying to justify it. Just saying that just because something is against what you’ve been taught doesn’t make it intrinsically evil. No matter how many people get pregnant each year, whether planned or unplanned, married or unmarried, I’ll never think an abortion is a result of sex, but is rather a result of human choice. How someone might think an abortion is an appropriate action - in other words, how people choose to deal with life’s obstacles - that is the concern, not the pregnancies. Lots of people have lots of unplanned pregnancies and choose life. “Married” is not a magic word that means you entered into marriage for the right reasons or that you won’t have an unplanned pregnancy. I just think that a lot of this is based on a lot of assumptions, but when you feel a certain way, you just feel that way, and others don’t have to understand it. I think you’re right, in your own right, but I feel like there’s much more to the story than “losing virginity before wedding night = abortions.” But we all see what we want to see.

I need to do less talking and more listening. :juggle:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

In Training;10167220**:

I’ll never think an abortion is a result of sex, but is rather a result of human choice

.

“I’ll never think an abortion is a result of sex.”

Hmmm…Just how do you think the baby was created in the first place???



It’s true that a very small percentage of abortions are done on married women. But it’s a very small percentage. Most are done on women who are not married, and who didn’t intend to become pregnant from having sex outside marriage. But God creates babies through sex! Do you see the disconnect?

Premarital sex leads to STDs. Before the 1960’s, there were 3 STDs, none of which were fatal. Now, there are about 30, at least one of which can be fatal (HIV-AIDS). Herpes is permanent. Genital warts are epidemic. It’s a plague, that most people ignore. And one disgusting statistic is that STDs are on the rise in nursing homes, proving that the Baby Boomers hippie philosophy of “sex is natural, let’s do it” continues right into their old age! Simply disgusting and gross. But does prove that unless something intervenes, once a person loses their moral structure, it’s gone for good. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for bringing me to my senses and leading me home!

STDs

Did you actually tell a young lady that you know Justin Bieber in order to coax her into having sex? Really?

 

[Kal2012]

We can spout out all the advice in the world, but OP, you are the only one who can summon up the willpower and discipline to stop going down the path you are on.

It’s one thing to say that you aren’t going to have sex when you aren’t in a relationship, but another when you are in a relationship. I know because I struggled w/this too. (and, utterly failed!)

It’s hard to break old patterns.

Still, as someone who put a child up for adoption, I need to warn you about the path you are on.

It can happen to you. Pills and devices can fail. STD’s can give you serious health problems.

As someone going into the mental health field, you are going to be entrusted with being a role model for your clients. Please learn from this experience and change your ways, so that you will be able to guide your patients to better futures like the one you are striving for yourself.

Please save yourself from the heartache of an unplanned pregnancy and the pain that it will cause everyone, because it won’t just change your life, but the life of your partner and everyone in your families.

A child, regardless of whether you abort it or relinquish it, will change your entire perspective on life. You will NEVER, EVER be the same and you will have to learn to live in a ‘new normal’.

Please save yourself untold heartache and thousands of dollars in therapy.

Some people, like myself, only learn the hard way. Please do not follow my example. Choose a different path.

I love my birth daughter; however, I totally wish that I would have had the courage to say NO when it mattered.

You have that chance.

Have a good Christmas.
Jo

 

[jbf3]

Well, i don’t know if I should be saying this, but I need to let it out. I’m 16 years old, and I have slept with my 15 year old girlfriend more than once. Sure. At the time, it seemed great. But now I regret it. I sinned, and I feel awful. It gets worse. Her period should be due any day now, but it’s not coming. She has pmdd, suffers from depression and anxiety, has had at least 3 complete mental breakdowns since we had sex, and she is also even more stressed put than I am, so I think that’s what’s throwing it off. We did use protection and were extra careful. I feel so dumb though. I risked my very valuble life for 10 minutes of pleasure. UGH! I’ve been praying that she isn’t pregnant, and that she’ll get her period and this stress will be over. I don’t know how to ask God for forgivness for somthing of this calibur. All I know is, that we won’t ever have sex until we are married, if we get there. UGH!

 

[Kal2012]

jbf3:

1st of all, breathe.

Thank you for sharing because I think it’s really important to be really honest right now.

I don’t think you intended to be a real life example of this problem for the OP, but the waiting and uncertainty is just one of the most awful parts of an unplanned pregnancy.

Then, there’s the reality that you only have three choices and none of them are good choices when you are still in high school.

Asking for forgiveness is never easy, but it is important to confess to your priest and come up with a game plan about what’s next, regardless of whether she’s pregnant or not.

Even though I was in my 20’s during my unplanned pregnancy, my dad still flipped out because that’s what dads do when they realize that their daughter isn’t married, but having a baby.

Also, 3 mental breakdowns since having sex and you both continued to have sex, despite this??? I’m concerned for both of you on so many levels.

All you can do is accept the consequences of your actions, regardless if there’s a pregnancy or not. If there is a pregnancy, then you need to realize that regardless of your actions, you and the girl created another human life and God doesn’t make mistakes regarding any of his creations. You are going to grow up faster than you thought both you and your parents thought you would have to and there’s going to be disappointment associated with that.

Yeah - it’s going to be a tough Christmas.

Jo

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well, i don’t know if I should be saying this, but I need to let it out. I’m 16 years old, and I have slept with my 15 year old girlfriend more than once. Sure. At the time, it seemed great. But now I regret it. I sinned, and I feel awful. It gets worse. Her period should be due any day now, but it’s not coming. She has pmdd, suffers from depression and anxiety, has had at least 3 complete mental breakdowns since we had sex, and she is also even more stressed put than I am, so I think that’s what’s throwing it off. We did use protection and were extra careful. I feel so dumb though. I risked my very valuble life for 10 minutes of pleasure. UGH! I’ve been praying that she isn’t pregnant, and that she’ll get her period and this stress will be over. I don’t know how to ask God for forgivness for somthing of this calibur. All I know is, that we won’t ever have sex until we are married, if we get there. UGH!

Please know that I am praying for you. Let us know what happens, we care.

Pray, and go to confession as soon as you can. You might want to make an appointment to talk to your priest in his office, privately, so you can take your time and tell him everything.

 

[jbf3]

Thanks for all your prayers! She got her period this morning But when i said “mental breakdowns”, they came after we had sex, mainly because she was paranoid about if she was pregnant.

 

[MidnightSun12]

TheRealJuliane:

Yes. I had a lot of premarital sex. And your description of the burning building is quite apt. The burns are on the inside. They don’t show on the outside. You share your body intimately with a person…that person eventually breaks up with you. You are hurt. You turn off parts of yourself, in order to handle that pain. The next person that comes along gets a little less of you than the previous person. And on, and on. Pretty soon you couldn’t care less if you break it off, or if he does. You know it’s going to happen, so what? Who cares. You almost want to hurt the next guy, to make up for all the pain you’ve had to go through. The superglue is all gone.

Then you go to the doctor and you have a bad exam. There’s a real consequence. Which one was it? How to tell? How far back to go? Most of your partners are long gone, never to be seen again. It’s all yours now, going forward. You can hope it will go away. Maybe it can be treated. Maybe not. You’re stuck with it though.

I never got pregnant from premarital sex, but a lot of women do. There’s always an abortion, 1 out of every 4 women has had one, usually encouraged by the baby’s father. Sometimes the abortion ruins you on the inside so that you can never have another baby. Sometimes it just ruins your spirit so that you want to die. Some women get pregnant over and over after having an abortion; some become drug addicts, alcoholics, or commit suicide, or try to.

How’s that? Still think having sex before marriage is a good idea? I could get more graphic, but I won’t. I hope you are sitting there like this.



You should be. I tried to warn my son. He wouldn’t listen. Eventually, he found out I was right. Thank God it only took one mistake for him to realize that I knew what I was talking about. I wish to GOD someone had told me.

not every situation is the same. not everyone feels the way you felt coming out of each relationship. not everyone gets broken up with, a lot of couples end up happily married. not all, though. but i think that has to do with picking a partner who’s good for you more than it has to do with, oh we had sex, so i have nothing left to offer in the world.

what i’m trying to say is, i’m sorry for what happened to you. but even chaste people can get broken up with. even people who waited until marriage can get divorced, and for legitimate reasons. it has to do with human behavior, how we relate to others, conflict resolution skills, and what we desire in life.

i don’t believe that 1 in 4 women have had an abortion. that’s hundreds of thousands of women per square mile. married women get abortions too. it’s not any more okay because they are married, and it’s not any less okay if they are unmarried. there is also a difference between being responsible and irresponsible. a lot of people who have premarital sex are in a monogamous relationship with one partner and have had very few other sexual partners, if any at all. premarital sex is not a synonym for promiscuity. there’s a lot of couples out there who have premarital sex and are responsible and careful and yes, still believe it’s a gift.

just because a man treated you like **** and you regret him, it doesn’t mean everyone feels the same as you do or has the same experiences. and no, i don’t think premarital sex is a good idea, i still feel guilty about it. i just dont think the act is evil. i think i screwed up, but that’s all. don’t let you or me be the poster children for premarital sex. we can’t speak for the rest of the population…not everyone uses things for the wrong reasons. just some people do, not all. some people can be trusted with sex, and some can’t. marital status unfortunately won’t change that.

as for the burning building comment…i’m a firefighter.

After reading Juliane’s extremely sincere and profoundly moving message, I can say with confidence that while not everybody who has pre-marital sex ends up at an abortion clinic or with a serious life-changing diagnosis, the paths that these people are heading down all lead to the same place.

Some of these paths go over hills and valleys, some of them are on a slow and steady decline. If followed to the end, though, these paths will all lead their travellers to the gates of hell.

My conversion came from an experience where God told me that if I didn’t stop having pre-marital sex, I would not be going to heaven. For a month and a half I got to experience a fire (what some may call an anxiety) in my chest that was so harsh that it kept me awake at night and unable to do work during the day. This fire burned from within and it didn’t consume the fuel from which it burned. There was no relief, but for me, fortunately, there was hope. Eventually my anxiety and torments caused the relationship I was in to collapse and I finally decided to renounce the sin of pre-marital sex permanently and give myself to God with complete abandon. That burning instantly turned into a joy so great that I can’t describe it as anything other then a miraculous experience of what heaven may some day feel like.

Heaven and hell are both real, my friend… I know this with 100% certainty. I plead you not to make light of the dangers of mortal sin. Your own soul and the souls of those whom you influence could be in grave danger.