Q
Qaletaqa
Guest
seriously
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D
DJgang
Guest
Yes, there are. In fact I’ve seen when woman has a problem with not receiving emotional support, they are told to pack his bags and put on the front porch. When a man such as this case… Same person tells him to pray.
not naming any names. In both cases something has happened for the other spouse to not get the “support” that they need. But anyway… You are correct. And I probably now realize just why I might have left these forums for so long. A man being sex deprived is a real problem, just like a woman being emotionally deprived.
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Zzyzx_Road
Guest
She is living in sin, no two ways about that. By rejecting her husband, she has placed him in a bad position, made him vulnerable to temptation from the outside of the marriage. He doesn’t want to be vulnerable like that: in that state, though not impossible, it is very difficult to maintain chastity and not be affected psychologically by it. Most women simply don’t understand this aspect of men; they are unable to see it from the man’s point of view. Or they don’t want to.
As other posters have said, must first rule out physical issues before moving on. Depression, obesity, post-partum problems, thyroid, hormones, whatever it is, get it addressed or ruled out, then can move on to the relationship between the husband and the wife.
If physical issues have been ruled out or she is not interested in having them checked out, then she has lost all attraction for her husband and is not interested in the predicament she has placed him in. In which case, the husband’s only remaining option is to realize two things: (1), remember Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and expecting different results. Not happening, he has to shake things up. Which leads to (2), he can’t change her, he can only change himself and his attitude. So he first needs to realize that all his supplication and solicitousness isn’t working. Withdraw that as much as possible. Then he might remember their better days and their courtship, what attributes did he have then that attracted her to him? Work on that. Maybe he needs to get off the couch and lose a few pounds. Maybe he needs to spend more time with the kids and less time with her. Maybe he needs to spend more time on house projects and less time with her. Maybe he needs to lighten up and inject more humor. Maybe he needs to take leadership, be more decisive.
My prayers are for their children, they are always the ones who suffer most for their parents’ issues.
As other posters have said, must first rule out physical issues before moving on. Depression, obesity, post-partum problems, thyroid, hormones, whatever it is, get it addressed or ruled out, then can move on to the relationship between the husband and the wife.
If physical issues have been ruled out or she is not interested in having them checked out, then she has lost all attraction for her husband and is not interested in the predicament she has placed him in. In which case, the husband’s only remaining option is to realize two things: (1), remember Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and expecting different results. Not happening, he has to shake things up. Which leads to (2), he can’t change her, he can only change himself and his attitude. So he first needs to realize that all his supplication and solicitousness isn’t working. Withdraw that as much as possible. Then he might remember their better days and their courtship, what attributes did he have then that attracted her to him? Work on that. Maybe he needs to get off the couch and lose a few pounds. Maybe he needs to spend more time with the kids and less time with her. Maybe he needs to spend more time on house projects and less time with her. Maybe he needs to lighten up and inject more humor. Maybe he needs to take leadership, be more decisive.
My prayers are for their children, they are always the ones who suffer most for their parents’ issues.
T
TK421
Guest
The primary victim of this mentality is not the man; it is the woman.Yes, there are. In fact I’ve seen when woman has a problem with not receiving emotional support, they are told to pack his bags and put on the front porch. When a man such as this case… Same person tells him to pray.
The sinner is always the greatest victim of a sin. Contemporary Catholic women are probably less happy in marriage than they have ever been in the history of the Church, and outside of the Church it is even worse. There is no long-term reward in obfuscating blame, taking much, and giving little. There is loneliness and progressively wider selfishness that, unattended, will lead to eternal hellfire.
I actually don’t think being a male Catholic in these times is that bad. The difficulty is that many people marry during a time in their life where they are not paying their spiritual life the attention that it deserves, and they end up going into marriage half-hazardously. It does not take much effort to identity a good woman from a bad one. This doesn’t at all mean that a good woman is going to be some kind of sexual tiger, but it does mean that she will be willing to talk about problems in life and seek solutions to them, and when a marriage is happy, it is almost always accompanied with intimacy as a natural result. Solving problems and growing in holiness is rendered impossible if one person in the pair is being obstinate.
The catch to this is that if you’re stuck in a rut, one person has to be willing to be charitable even if the other person is not. You have to give up notions on what is “fair” or “not fair” and behave the way Christ did.
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Blue_Goose
Guest
There is a lot you have not told us and you public profile has zero information in it. How long have you two been married. Do you both work? How many hours a week? Are there children? Are you financially stable? Have either of you sought counseling by either a priest or a marriage counselor? How long has it been since you two had relations? Are you from similar backgrounds? Do you have parity in your educational status? Have you ever had healthy loving relationship during your married life?
Here are the steps you could take.
First, tell her from your perspective the marriage is in trouble and explain the reasons why. Maybe that simple step will initiate a dialogue between the two of you and you can begin to solve the problem.
If your approach does not initiate a dialogue then tell your wife you are going to seek counseling and invite her to go along. Based on what you described in your post the chances are better than 50% she will not go with you. Let her know you respect her decision not to go but the marriage is broken and you need relief from the stress and sadness you are experiencing.
Write a detailed description of the problem as you see it; then, make an outline of the main points of the document. Once that is done make an appointment to see your parish priest. Bring two copies of the documents that you prepared to the meeting and give one to the priest. Use your outline as a guide to step through the main points of the problem. Chances are he will have lots of spiritual advice and some practical advice. What you describe appears, on the surface, to be a deep rooted problem. Some of it may be psychological (e.g. strong resentment and anger), and some of it may be medical and or psychiatric (e.g. hormonal imbalance, thyroid disease, depression). During your meeting with the priest ask him if he knows of a good psychologist, one that specializes in martial problems and sexual dysfunction.
If your priest can’t refer you to a counselor then you will have to find one yourself. Finding a good competent psychologist/counselor is a daunting task. Once you find someone, take the documents you developed to describe the problem with you to the appointment. Therapists are expensive. You do not want to go through your first session stuttering and stammering and leaving the session without fully explaining the problem. If after two or three sessions you and the therapist have not developed rapport and or he/she has not acquired your trust and confidence find another therapist. Continue that process until you do find someone you can work with. There is no sense throwing good money after bad hoping the professional relationship will work over time. Eventually you will stumble upon one that works for you.
I can fully understand that sharing a bed with a spouse that is absolutely unwilling to engage in sex is both mentally and physically punishing and causes a lot of resentment on the part of the spouse being denied. Consider moving to a separate bedroom until the situation is resolved. That will help ease some of physical tension you are experiencing.
Working through martial problems is very difficult and it takes a lot of hard work and creativity to fix a broken marriage. There are a lot of resources out there to assist but you have to do the legwork to find them.
The fact that you are already thinking about end of life issues and how your spouse may treat you in the event you get sick signals to me that there is little or no warmth in this relationship. Failure to engage in sex is a problem, but it is only a symptom of much deeper issues.
I wish you well and recommend you address this problem head on sooner rather than later. An unhappy marriage makes for a long, long, sad life.
Here are the steps you could take.
First, tell her from your perspective the marriage is in trouble and explain the reasons why. Maybe that simple step will initiate a dialogue between the two of you and you can begin to solve the problem.
If your approach does not initiate a dialogue then tell your wife you are going to seek counseling and invite her to go along. Based on what you described in your post the chances are better than 50% she will not go with you. Let her know you respect her decision not to go but the marriage is broken and you need relief from the stress and sadness you are experiencing.
Write a detailed description of the problem as you see it; then, make an outline of the main points of the document. Once that is done make an appointment to see your parish priest. Bring two copies of the documents that you prepared to the meeting and give one to the priest. Use your outline as a guide to step through the main points of the problem. Chances are he will have lots of spiritual advice and some practical advice. What you describe appears, on the surface, to be a deep rooted problem. Some of it may be psychological (e.g. strong resentment and anger), and some of it may be medical and or psychiatric (e.g. hormonal imbalance, thyroid disease, depression). During your meeting with the priest ask him if he knows of a good psychologist, one that specializes in martial problems and sexual dysfunction.
If your priest can’t refer you to a counselor then you will have to find one yourself. Finding a good competent psychologist/counselor is a daunting task. Once you find someone, take the documents you developed to describe the problem with you to the appointment. Therapists are expensive. You do not want to go through your first session stuttering and stammering and leaving the session without fully explaining the problem. If after two or three sessions you and the therapist have not developed rapport and or he/she has not acquired your trust and confidence find another therapist. Continue that process until you do find someone you can work with. There is no sense throwing good money after bad hoping the professional relationship will work over time. Eventually you will stumble upon one that works for you.
I can fully understand that sharing a bed with a spouse that is absolutely unwilling to engage in sex is both mentally and physically punishing and causes a lot of resentment on the part of the spouse being denied. Consider moving to a separate bedroom until the situation is resolved. That will help ease some of physical tension you are experiencing.
Working through martial problems is very difficult and it takes a lot of hard work and creativity to fix a broken marriage. There are a lot of resources out there to assist but you have to do the legwork to find them.
The fact that you are already thinking about end of life issues and how your spouse may treat you in the event you get sick signals to me that there is little or no warmth in this relationship. Failure to engage in sex is a problem, but it is only a symptom of much deeper issues.
I wish you well and recommend you address this problem head on sooner rather than later. An unhappy marriage makes for a long, long, sad life.
M
Marie5890
Guest
Are there other issues going on in your marriage as well? Sometimes the lack of a sex life in a marriage is a symptom of other serious issues and needs not being met first.
I would suggest you talk to your pastor or your deacon (if you have one in your parish). Just not enough “big picture” information in your post to get a clear view of the health of your marriage.
And the health of one’s marriage is much much MUCH more than your love life.
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Blue_Goose
Guest
Agree fully.
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Blue_Goose
Guest
Fully agree. Thanks for speaking up.This is a catholic forum where we “should” be behaving charitable to one another. Why come here to belittle the OP and his situation??
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Mandychu22
Guest
I wan’t to preface this by stating that I don’t think a ‘pack his bags’ mentality is in any way healthy. Relationships take work.Yes, there are. In fact I’ve seen when woman has a problem with not receiving emotional support, they are told to pack his bags and put on the front porch. When a man such as this case… Same person tells him to pray.
The difference between a man complaining about lack of sex, and a woman complaining about not having her emotional needs met is this: A man meeting a woman’s emotional needs will often lead to sex. It’s the most effective form of foreplay. A woman meeting a man’s sexual needs will NOT often lead to change that will allow him to meet her emotional needs because he will not see the problem, and sex doesn’t make a man want to have long conversations.
Telling a woman who isn’t having her emotional needs met to get her husband into bed will resolve exactly none of her problems. It can actually make things worse for her, because her husband will think that he has fixed any emotional intimacy problems she has complained about. Telling a man to have deep conversation with his wife who isn’t meeting his sexual needs will often help with his problem, which is why that is suggested.
Another disparity between the situations is that, often times, the woman has no ability to to ensure the man knows what her needs are beyond an action that involves meeting her needs. She needs conversation with her husband, and he’s not fulfilling that role. What can she do to help him meet that need? Explain it to him? How can she do that if he’s not making time for them to talk, or is placing other activities before his time with her?
A man has a very clear method of acting that will lead to his needs being met in these situations, a woman does not. Obviously it’s not a cure-all, but it’s a starting point… and it’s an action that won’t lead to accusations that he’s ‘nagging’ her, or being too ‘needy’, unlike a woman.
That is why men get different advice than women. Men are likely in a position to act if their needs aren’t being met, women are likely not. No amount of sex will make my husband more inclined to ask me about my day, however asking me about my day might make me more inclined to have sex with my husband.
Also, packing up his things after months/years of his ignoring requests for more emotional intimacy is likely suggested more for the shock value than actual desire to end the relationship. Constant attempts to begin a conversation can be ignored or shut down. A bag on the porch? less so, which is the intent behind it.
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Galbin
Guest
I am so sorry you are going through this. I do not believe in porn at all (think it’s amoral and cheating on your wife, basically!), but I know some priests within the church see masturbation when only thinking of one’s spouse as okay in certain situations.
Did your wife ever have a normal sex drive? If so, I would strongly suggest she get her hormones checked. I would particularly recommend she get her sex hormones, adrenals and thyroid checked. An endo might help, but she’d probably be best off seeing a doctor who specialises in bioidentical hormone therapy, as these doctors look for hormones to be in an ‘optmal’ place, not just to be somewhere within the very wide so-called ‘normal’ range. Feel free to pm me to discuss this more if you would like.
I can personally relate to your struggle. I have been extremely ill with a chronic bladder infection recently, and it was suggested that abstaining might help. So my husband and I refrained for a month. We then made love last night, as it hadn’t made a difference. However that month’s abstinence was torture AND it really illuminated to me how important sex is in a marriage. It’s not just a physical thing either - the long abstinence made me feel disconnected from my dh and like we were roomates. Does your wife not consider how this is making you feel?!
Did your wife ever have a normal sex drive? If so, I would strongly suggest she get her hormones checked. I would particularly recommend she get her sex hormones, adrenals and thyroid checked. An endo might help, but she’d probably be best off seeing a doctor who specialises in bioidentical hormone therapy, as these doctors look for hormones to be in an ‘optmal’ place, not just to be somewhere within the very wide so-called ‘normal’ range. Feel free to pm me to discuss this more if you would like.
I can personally relate to your struggle. I have been extremely ill with a chronic bladder infection recently, and it was suggested that abstaining might help. So my husband and I refrained for a month. We then made love last night, as it hadn’t made a difference. However that month’s abstinence was torture AND it really illuminated to me how important sex is in a marriage. It’s not just a physical thing either - the long abstinence made me feel disconnected from my dh and like we were roomates. Does your wife not consider how this is making you feel?!
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TK421
Guest
Masturbation is not procreative or unitive. It is always sinful.
In this instance, the blood probably falls more on his wife’s head than on his own, but nonetheless, you cannot tell him that this is okay. If this means burning with passion, than that is what he must do.
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Galbin
Guest
We’ll agree to disagree. As I said, certain priests do not view masturbation as sinful as long as one is not viewing pornography or lusting after someone other than their spouse.
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TK421
Guest
It doesn’t matter what certain priests think. They have no authority to claim such things.
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Groo
Guest
Yet another reason for men not to marry. Pay attention young men. This could happen to you.
M
Mandychu22
Guest
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Galbin
Guest
The opinions of a priest matter more to me than a lay person who seems to be equating masturbation to grave sin.
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TK421
Guest
This isn’t my opinion. This is what the Magisterium teaches.
A
acarlson
Guest
no one has even thought about a medical condition! (well unless I cross post with someone
There could be something very seriously, medically, wrong with her!
Your wife needs to go see a doctor (*) to make sure that her endocrine system is working properly. She could be hypo or hyper thyroidic, she could have low testosterone (Yes, Women can have a low testosterone level), her progesterone could be off… oh my, just so many things that can go wrong with this system.
(*) She needs to see an Endocrinologist - as much as we love our general practitioner, we take our children to pediatrician, we see a dentist for our teeth, and my Wife and girls see an OB/GYN for well, the female parts (to keep this G-Rated
In conjunction with the endocrine system evaluation, she needs to be seen by a mental health professional to determine if she is suffering from any sort of depression or other such condition.
Finally, I would encourage some honest marriage counseling. Contact the diocese where you live and get a list of councilors that follow good Catholic doctrine - you don’t need one of these “New Age” lets add a third party to the mix to spice things up type
Personal experience:
-When my wife and I were first married, well, Rabbits were jealous
-Then several years down the road, things dropped off… very frustrating.
Also my wife simply didn’t seem to have any energy for anything really.
-She went in for an unrelated issue, sinus infection if I remember correctly, and the doctor looking at her, along with the lack of “energy” and thought something else was up, and ordered a simple blood test for TSH/T3/T4 levels - these are the thyroid hormones.
-This test came back as abnormal for all of these…
-It was a long time getting things under control and the GP wasn’t able to get a handle on so we were sent to an Endocrinologist. During this time, while the Endocrinologist worked their magic, my wife has been under treatment for depression. Part of it is caused by the hypothyroid condition and part is that she is simply depressed.
So by all means
- Now I won’t (can’t) tell you things are back to where they were some 20+ years ago. Frankly, we now have 4 children (something the Endocrinologist helped us with by treating the HT condition and our OB/GYN has training from Pope Paul VI institute to help support) and we’re just simply a little older; however, she’s at least interested in the marital act enough that we have to be open to new children and we use NFP.
- All of this, because, a GP, saw my wife for a series of sinus infections. In the 20/20 of hindsight, we should have seen this, as all of the symptoms were there, and have had her tested and treatment started years if not a decade sooner - we suffered when we didn’t need to.
- BTW: Don’t expect an overnight cure. It has taken us four doctors and 10 years to get as far as we are… and we had to learn a lot about how the endocrine system worked, especially how the thyroid works, and quite often had to insist on a course of treatment. Thank God for the OB/GYN my wife sees now as he’s on top of the situation and if my wife says she isn’t feeling right, the blood tests are ordered, the meds adjusted and within a few weeks things get back to “normal.” 10 years of up and down, 4 doctors, I pray you don’t have to go thru that too.
Pray
Offer it up
etc…
As our suffering can be used by God for the good of His creation
THANK YOU. Why do we assume that his wife is just being cruel/denying her role in marriage instead of wondering if there might be something wrong?
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Allegra
Guest
Does your wife say why she doesn’t want sex? There could be some legitimate problems that you could work on together.
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DAML72
Guest
There could be so many reasons for her rejection of you - could be a physical problem, she could be exhausted and feeling unsupported, maybe she gets little satisfaction when you do have sex, maybe she feels that you don’t treat her well. I can tell you one thing from experience - pressuring her and making her feel guilty is not going to work - it’s just going to make her more stressed out and less attracted to you.
My suggestion would be to shift your focus from yourself and to try to see things from your wife’s perspective and try to problem-solve with her rather than putting all the pressure on her.
My suggestion would be to shift your focus from yourself and to try to see things from your wife’s perspective and try to problem-solve with her rather than putting all the pressure on her.
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