Sex Starved Husband

[Zzyzx_Road]

THANK YOU. Why do we assume that his wife is just being cruel/denying her role in marriage instead of wondering if there might be something wrong?

The OP does not mention physical issues, but these do need to be ruled out first before the relationship can be addressed. If she refuses to address her physical issues, or if after physical issues have been ruled out and she still refuses relations with him, then she is living in sin. For his part, he does need to look at how he is relating to her, but he has to remember that his supplication and solicitousness is having no effect to this point.

She is called to respect her husband regardless of how he acts, but it’s a lot easier for her to do that if he acts in ways that command her respect. He is called to love her regardless of how she acts, but it’s a lot easier for him to do that if she acts in ways that inspire his love. It’s a complementary team effort here. Five Languages of Love can be a very useful book if both parties are serious about their relationship.

 

[LongingSoul]

It is amazing the differences on these boards when a woman “vents” frustrations and when a man does. The answers and attitudes are very very different.

I think the way he has worded his grievances is very demeaning to his wife in general and women don’t approach their grievances in such a malicious way as this. He says he doesn’t want to masterbate like he did when he was a teen because it is a sin… to me is such an insulting thing to say about a wife when you really think about what he is implying about her ‘usefulness’ to him. When he goes on about maybe having ‘to wipe her bum’, my stomach really churned. He is someone who is very utilitarian regarding marriage and maybe isn’t able to appreciate his wife as a wife. To him she is a female with a purpose and the only possible reason she has withdrawn from that duty to him is pure selfishness.

When women are starved of emotional intimacy they are longing for this sharing communion of souls. When men are starved of sex and talk in this way, you can tell that they are longing for someone to scratch their primal itch because its their duty and they’ve put a roof over their head to pay for it. It amounts to prostitution.

It’s annoying to find that more than 12 hours after the post went up, the OP has not returned to share on the subject. That indicates to me a selfishness in general. Some people like to dump their load to satisfy their urge… and then take off without being generous enough to share with all those they’ve dumped on. It says a lot about the OP and his lack of generous communion in a lot of ways.

 

[Allegra]

The OP does not mention physical issues, but these do need to be ruled out first before the relationship can be addressed. If she refuses to address her physical issues, or if after physical issues have been ruled out and she still refuses relations with him, then she is living in sin. For his part, he does need to look at how he is relating to her, but he has to remember that his supplication and solicitousness is having no effect to this point.

She is called to respect her husband regardless of how he acts, but it’s a lot easier for her to do that if he acts in ways that command her respect. He is called to love her regardless of how she acts, but it’s a lot easier for him to do that if she acts in ways that inspire his love. It’s a complementary team effort here. Five Languages of Love can be a very useful book if both parties are serious about their relationship.

Actually, he hasn’t mentioned any issues other than his conclusion that his wife is selfish. I would think she’s given a reason. He also hasn’t clarified if she refuses to have sex at all, or if it’s just not enough sex for him.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I agree with the posters who have said that there’s really not enough information to offer good advice. There are quite a lot of reasons she could be uninterested in sex.

Will pray for you and your wife.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

I think the way he has worded his grievances is very demeaning to his wife in general and women don’t approach their grievances in such a malicious way as this. He says he doesn’t want to masterbate like he did when he was a teen because it is a sin… to me is such an insulting thing to say about a wife when you really think about what he is implying about her ‘usefulness’ to him. When he goes on about maybe having ‘to wipe her bum’, my stomach really churned. He is someone who is very utilitarian regarding marriage and maybe isn’t able to appreciate his wife as a wife. To him she is a female with a purpose and the only possible reason she has withdrawn from that duty to him is pure selfishness.

When women are starved of emotional intimacy they are longing for this sharing communion of souls. When men are starved of sex and talk in this way, you can tell that they are longing for someone to scratch their primal itch because its their duty and they’ve put a roof over their head to pay for it. It amounts to prostitution.

For many men, sex and emotional intimacy go hand in hand. No pun intended.

But masturbation can offer an easy, cheap thrill that to some degree replicates that kind of emotional intimacy that a man might desire, albeit in a way that, as we know, is sinful, empty and damaging. For many of us, the longer a husband goes without sex, the more this temptation to masturbate bears down upon him.

This is not to say a wife is responsible for a husband’s sin in this way, any more than a husband is responsible for a wife’s emotional infidelity. Nevertheless, sexual intimacy is a part of marriage and if a wife (or a husband even) withholds this kind of intimacy* by their own choice*, he/she is doing a huge disservice both to their spouse and to the marriage itself.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Men marry not only to be husbands and fathers, they marry to have access to sex the Church-sanctioned way. Yes I am being blunt, but that is the way it works for men. The husband feels connected to his wife through her acceptance of his body. Hence her rejection of sex has the effect of direct rejection of him. St Paul wrote about it, said it was better to marry than to burn, said husbands and wives should not deny each other except for short periods of prayer.

That said about husbands, I acknowledge that women usually don’t feel as strongly about sex the way men do. That may lead to refusal to look at sex from any viewpoint but their own hence refusal to look beyond their own lower libido to how that lower libido is affecting their husbands. How is that divide bridged? The man has to move in her direction to provide her with the emotional validation she needs to feel connected to him and she has to move in his direction to provide him with the sex he needs to feel connected to her. That act of moving in each other’s direction is love as an action, one does for the other even if they’re not feeling it. It is, as I said before, a complementary team effort. One in which the OP is accusing his wife of not doing her part.

As other posters have pointed out, the OP hasn’t provided enough information and context. I’d want to see the physical issues ruled out and the OP cough up a few more details before blindly accusing either party of selfishness.

 

[bben15]

I sympathize with your situation, though you haven’t mentioned why you and your wife have not been having sex.

I would recommend the classic: Frequent Confession and Eucharist, and get a good spiritual director.

A husband who yearns for sex with his wife, or vice versa, is perfectly understandable and acceptable, and is something that should happen when a wife or husband is being unfaithful. Sex is something that should occur within the Sacrament of Matrimony.

I notice you said that if you were doing the same thing to your wife, you would push her into the arms of another man to get love. It is NEVER acceptable to commit adultery, even if you two are unable, or unwilling to have sex. You took vows at your wedding to be faithful to each other, and those vows apply for life. You only love each other, no one else.

If your wife is unwilling to have sex with you because she does not love you anymore, or any other reason similar to that, then you two definitely need to see a spiritual director.

Also, it can be a mortal sin if a spouse refuses sex with the other without a grave reason. Sex is what is supposed to occur in a marriage, and for it to be refused without grave reason severely undermines the sacrament.

I see you are receiving temptation to masturbate. DON’T! Don’t let Lucifier tempt you in the midst of unfaithfulness. The devil loves to tear couples apart, and a great way for that to happen is for you to start gratifying yourself. Not only is masturbation a mortal sin (even if you masturbate to your wife), it tears marriages apart. DON’T DO IT!

P.S., please ignore the users who are putting you down. Your problem is a problem many Catholic couples face, and you are not alone in this. I hope the users that made those comments towards you are justly punished by the moderators. Those users need to learn what the Sacrament of Matrimony is all about, and why sex needs to occur in it.

 

[bben15]

stop being selfish and thinking off yourself, sounds like you are looking for an excuse to cheat

Sex is something that should occur within the Sacrament of Matrimony. This man needs help, and we are recommending that he get it. What he is feeling is what he should be feeling. I strongly suggest you read my post, as it contains good advice the OP needs to hear.

While you are reading my post, I think I will report you. You sir/ma’am need to be more charitable and sympathetic towards people’s problems. This man came to us, asking for help, and he does not need you putting him down. I strongly suggest you read good, orthodox books on the Sacrament of Matrimony, and how important sex is within it.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

Reported.

 

[Qaletaqa]

Sex is something that should occur within the Sacrament of Matrimony. This man needs help, and we are recommending that he get it. What he is feeling is what he should be feeling. I strongly suggest you read my post, as it contains good advice the OP needs to hear.

While you are reading my post, I think I will report you. You sir/ma’am need to be more charitable and sympathetic towards people’s problems. This man came to us, asking for help, and he does not need you putting him down. I strongly suggest you read good, orthodox books on the Sacrament of Matrimony, and how important sex is within it.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

Reported.

Well for a start he is being selfish, has he taken the time to think what may be happening with his wife, he writes a one sided account of what may or may not be happening. The way I look at it is there are three sides to this story his side, his wife’s side and the truth. I don’t think in this situation that his wife needs anymore pressure like I said before we all don’t know what’s happening and after all these posts he hasn’t come back to respond, I often query posts of this sort when there is only one one post and no response this could clearly just be the work of a troll.
But if this is a real life situation then they both need to work through it whether its going to the doctors for check ups or counsellors, couldn’t think of anything worse then to be force to have sex when you don’t want it, and I don’t mean rape. To say this woman is committing a grave sin is wrong. I’m not judging the man but how he wrote his post it comes across very selfish and one sided.

 

[DAML72]

Well for a start he is being selfish, has he taken the time to think what may be happening with his wife, he writes a one sided account of what may or may not be happening. The way I look at it is there are three sides to this story his side, his wife’s side and the truth. I don’t think in this situation that his wife needs anymore pressure like I said before we all don’t know what’s happening and after all these posts he hasn’t come back to respond, I often query posts of this sort when there is only one one post and no response this could clearly just be the work of a troll.
But if this is a real life situation then they both need to work through it whether its going to the doctors for check ups or counsellors, couldn’t think of anything worse then to be force to have sex when you don’t want it, and I don’t mean rape. To say this woman is committing a grave sin is wrong. I’m not judging the man but how he wrote his post it comes across very selfish and one sided.

It did come across that way, and I don’t think you should have been reported. On the other hand, to attribute a bad intent to someone when you are not inside their mind borders on abusive behavior. I don’t allow it in my home - no matter how much it may seem that one’s siblings ‘did that on purpose to make me mad.’

 

[Galbin]

Men marry not only to be husbands and fathers, they marry to have access to sex the Church-sanctioned way. Yes I am being blunt, but that is the way it works for men. The husband feels connected to his wife through her acceptance of his body. Hence her rejection of sex has the effect of direct rejection of him. St Paul wrote about it, said it was better to marry than to burn, said husbands and wives should not deny each other except for short periods of prayer.

That said about husbands, I acknowledge that women usually don’t feel as strongly about sex the way men do. That may lead to refusal to look at sex from any viewpoint but their own hence refusal to look beyond their own lower libido to how that lower libido is affecting their husbands. How is that divide bridged? The man has to move in her direction to provide her with the emotional validation she needs to feel connected to him and she has to move in his direction to provide him with the sex he needs to feel connected to her. That act of moving in each other’s direction is love as an action, one does for the other even if they’re not feeling it. It is, as I said before, a complementary team effort. One in which the OP is accusing his wife of not doing her part.

I want to point out that many women have a higher sex drive than their husband’s. It’s not just a male problem.

 

[mommamaree]

Men marry not only to be husbands and fathers, they marry to have access to sex the Church-sanctioned way. Yes I am being blunt, but that is the way it works for men. The husband feels connected to his wife through her acceptance of his body. Hence her rejection of sex has the effect of direct rejection of him. St Paul wrote about it, said it was better to marry than to burn, said husbands and wives should not deny each other except for short periods of prayer.

That said about husbands, I acknowledge that women usually don’t feel as strongly about sex the way men do. That may lead to refusal to look at sex from any viewpoint but their own hence refusal to look beyond their own lower libido to how that lower libido is affecting their husbands. How is that divide bridged? The man has to move in her direction to provide her with the emotional validation she needs to feel connected to him and she has to move in his direction to provide him with the sex he needs to feel connected to her. That act of moving in each other’s direction is love as an action, one does for the other even if they’re not feeling it. It is, as I said before, a complementary team effort. One in which the OP is accusing his wife of not doing her part.

As other posters have pointed out, the OP hasn’t provided enough information and context. I’d want to see the physical issues ruled out and the OP cough up a few more details before blindly accusing either party of selfishness.

Women also marry, not only to become wives and mothers, but also to be able to have sexual relations in the way God intended. Wives feel cherished by their husbands when their husbands tenderly meet the desires of their bodies, and they feel rejected or used if their husbands either refuse sex or treat sex as a one-sided affair. Women often have very strong feelings about sex, usually based upon their experience of sex with their husbands. If it is enjoyable, she is likely to have a strong urge to engage in marital relations. If it hurts or if her satisfaction is rarely or never considered, she is likely to withdraw from relations with her husband. Libido is based on things like age, health, fertility, etc. The supposed gender divide in libido is a modern way of thinking, based on the prevalence of the use of hormonal contraceptives, which greatly diminish libido and hamper sexual response. The ancients had it right: they well knew the depth of passion that a woman was capable of, and husband were frequently admonished to be careful to keep their wives satisfied.
One would think, considering that Catholics oppose birth control, that we would also share the truth about libido and marriage and the sexes. Perhaps too many of us have been conditioned by the lies of modern society? Reading some of these threads, it makes it sound all but inevitable for husband to resent their wives for not enough sex, and for wives to resent their husbands for begging for it all the time. Science suggests the ancient thought was closer to the truth. Male libido peaks around 20, while female libido fluctuates with her cycle, with a dramatic increase in libido in her 30s. This pattern is a demonstration of God’s perfect design for marriage. It guarantees that each spouse has their time to pursue the other and make the other feel desirable and that the spouses as a unit will be seeking sexual relations frequently over the whole course of their fertile life. Then, with aging and problems associated with aging (less health and vitality) libido fades a bit for either or both spouses.
For the OP, there is simply not enough information to even make a guess about why this has occurred in your marriage or what can be done about it. But I would suggest that your attitude equating wiping a bottom to marital relations might be a big part of the problem. Sexual intimacy is a precious gift to a married couple, and it should be wonderful for BOTH spouses, not merely one spouse cleaning up after a bodily function of the other spouse.

 

[ClearWater]

There’s one more thing that concerns me about this. Well, in couples I’ve known, when sex stops, they often move into separate bedrooms, and they frequently divorce. So, I’d take this very seriously. To me, this could possibly be a symptom of a bigger problem.

Further, if you are not getting intimacy within this marriage, it means that neither is she. Both might be more tempted to look to meet their needs outside of marriage, and that wouldn’t be good.

 

[LongingSoul]

For many men, sex and emotional intimacy go hand in hand. No pun intended.

But masturbation can offer an easy, cheap thrill that to some degree replicates that kind of emotional intimacy that a man might desire, albeit in a way that, as we know, is sinful, empty and damaging. For many of us, the longer a husband goes without sex, the more this temptation to masturbate bears down upon him.

This is not to say a wife is responsible for a husband’s sin in this way, any more than a husband is responsible for a wife’s emotional infidelity. Nevertheless, sexual intimacy is a part of marriage and if a wife (or a husband even) withholds this kind of intimacy* by their own choice*, he/she is doing a huge disservice both to their spouse and to the marriage itself.

Yes, I agree with you in general. I think though that I, like perhaps several of the other female posters, felt a strong aversion to this posters general attitude of ‘this selfish cow is not meeting my God given needs. hummphh.’ and the way of not returning to the thread to share makes it more like a dump rather than a genuine plea for advice.

Going back to Hoosierdaddy’s comment that a mans ‘vent’ is flamed more than a womans ‘vent’… I wonder do men in general give a womans need for emotional intimacy the same needs rating as a mans need for sexual intimacy? I personally don’t think that overall they do. My experience tells me that if a man is not really into meeting a womans emotional needs, he’s more likely to see it as just part of his personality and a chore, rather than a necessary element of building a loving communion of marriage. That attitude goes hand in hand with the fella who doesn’t care if his wife is into sex or not… just so long as she does her chore for him.

There are other men and women though, who want this aspect, either the emotional or sexual intimacy, to be a shared loving thing between them that involves the joy of self giving. They are the ones who upon experiencing a lack, are more likely to ask ‘how can I make my spouse feel more loved’ rather than ‘my spouse isn’t making me feel loved’.

When self gratification is the highest priority, the first reaction is resentment and anger towards the other and looking for some physical problem. Thyroid, depression etc. When self giving is the highest priority, the first reaction is ‘how can I make my spouse feel more loved’. It is in giving that we receive. - Luke 6:38

 

[LongingSoul]

For many men, sex and emotional intimacy go hand in hand. No pun intended.

But masturbation can offer an easy, cheap thrill that to some degree replicates that kind of emotional intimacy that a man might desire, albeit in a way that, as we know, is sinful, empty and damaging. For many of us, the longer a husband goes without sex, the more this temptation to masturbate bears down upon him.

This is not to say a wife is responsible for a husband’s sin in this way, any more than a husband is responsible for a wife’s emotional infidelity. Nevertheless, sexual intimacy is a part of marriage and if a wife (or a husband even) withholds this kind of intimacy* by their own choice*, he/she is doing a huge disservice both to their spouse and to the marriage itself.

Yes, I agree with you in general. I think though that I, like perhaps several of the other female posters, felt a strong aversion to this posters general attitude of ‘this selfish cow is not meeting my God given needs. hummphh.’ and the way of not returning to the thread to share makes it more like a dump rather than a genuine plea for advice.

Going back to Hoosierdaddy’s comment that a mans ‘vent’ is flamed more than a womans ‘vent’… I wonder do men in general give a womans need for emotional intimacy the same needs rating as a mans need for sexual intimacy? I personally don’t think that overall they do. My experience tells me that if a man is not really into meeting a womans emotional needs, he’s more likely to see it as just part of his personality and a chore, rather than a necessary element of building a loving communion of marriage. That attitude goes hand in hand with the fella who doesn’t care if his wife is into sex or not… just so long as she does her chore for him.

There are other men though, who want this aspect, either the sexual intimacy, to be a shared loving thing between them that involves the joy of self giving. They are the ones who upon experiencing a lack, are more likely to ask ‘how can I make my spouse feel more loved’ rather than ‘my spouse isn’t making me feel loved’.

When self gratification is the highest priority, the first reaction is resentment and anger towards the other and looking for some physical problem. Thyroid, depression etc. When self giving is the highest priority, the first reaction is ‘how can I make my spouse feel more loved’. It is in giving that we receive. - Luke 6:38

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Going back to Hoosierdaddy’s comment that a mans ‘vent’ is flamed more than a womans ‘vent’… I wonder do men in general give a womans need for emotional intimacy the same needs rating as a mans need for sexual intimacy? I personally don’t think that overall they do.

I wonder do women in general give a man’s need for sexual intimacy the same needs rating as a woman’s need for emotional intimacy? It goes both ways, really and truly it does.

I understand you, I think, but I don’t understand why men get treated more harshly on this subject here.

 

[HoneyBea]

After reading all the responses I still think my advice was the best. Some woman are afraid to ask for what they really want and some woman resent the fact that they even have to ask for what they want which is a huge turn off. I know it doesn’t seem fair but there are certain things I except from a man that he should just know how, what, when to do. I also agree with growing a beard and drinking OX milk that sounds hot!

 

[z_0101]

After reading all the responses I still think my advice was the best. Some woman are afraid to ask for what they really want and some woman resent the fact that they even have to ask for what they want which is a huge turn off. I know it doesn’t seem fair but there are certain things I except from a man that he should just know how, what, when to do. I also agree with growing a beard and drinking OX milk that sounds hot!

Really,
ok, I understand what you were intending (after reading your follow-up); however, I’d argue that my post is the better place to start… it may very well lead to your post ( )

Let’s make sure there isn’t something medical here that is in desperate need of attention.

 

[HoneyBea]

Really,
ok, I understand what you were intending (after reading your follow-up); however, I’d argue that my post is the better place to start… it may very well lead to your post ( )

Let’s make sure there isn’t something medical here that is in desperate need of attention.

I agree that the possibility of a medical condition should be eliminated first. That is sound advice.

 

[Nelka]

I also agree with growing a beard and drinking OX milk that sounds hot!

What’s the deal with ox milk? Is it a joke or is it the same as oysters?

Also, does it taste foul?