Sexless Marriage. H moved out. Going to retrouvaille

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Happy_Again said:
Just the fact that the two of you are expressing your emotions is a sure sign that the relationship is important to each of you. I judge from your comments that these emotions aren’t full of rage and hate, and I believe that is also a very good thing. THIS IS THE BASIS FOR RETROUVAILLE – the sharing of open, honest and respectful.
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There isn’t much hate just so much hurt on both ends, but more so on h end. He feels so rejected from me not just due to lack of sex, but I also didn’t provide any form if intimacy. We were caught in a Vicious cycle of me not receiving what I needed emotionally from him and him not receiving the physical and emotional side from me. He told me tonight that he is trying to forget about the past because he knows its best that we make this work, but he just can’t get over how hurt he is. Does retrouvaille provide tools for forgiveness or for moving on from the past? He is really holding into the past which is preventing any reconciliation

Thanks for everyone responding.
 
AM_2012 said:
Does retrouvaille provide tools for forgiveness or for moving on from the past? He is really holding into the past which is preventing any reconciliation
Thanks for everyone responding.
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The teams who present Retrouvaille will show you HOW to achieve forgiveness and reconciliation in your marriages so you can move on. We do NOT forget the past but rather learn how to use it for good. Case in point: our 20 years of abuse is our “gift” we share with others to show couples where we were the first 20 years of our marriage and how far we’ve come in the past 21 years. Does it hurt to relive and recount the pain and misery we suffered? You bet it does! But it helps us focus on our resolve to NEVER turn back and become the persons we once were. Hope this helps. Retrouvaille was our miracle and we know with God all things are possible. It’s just difficult to wait for GOD’S PERFECT TIME!
 
Have no idea about Retrouvaille because my estranged husband got angry even at Marriage
Encounter weekend. However, I am an expert in sexless marriage - 30 years. Could be
a record. Know even my priest had never encountered a situation quite like mine. On
the afternoon of the marriage my husband got wasted drunk and took about a three hr.
nap. I knew that very day something was dreadfully wrong.

If you would like to contact me in a private message, feel free. I will tell you to keep on
trying. Thirty years is a little over- the- top, but everyone now understands how much I
loved my husband and the covenant we made with the Church. I will be holding you close
in thought and prayer because I know the pain. Your story shows patches of hope, so
hang in there. Make a favorite priest your confessor and friend. It will change your life

kaylynn7800
 
kaylynn7800 said:
Your story shows patches of hope, so
hang in there. Make a favorite priest your confessor and friend. It will change your life.
kaylynn7800
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Sounds like very good advice, Kaylynn! Marriage Encounter is for good marriages, Retrouvaille is for all the rest. One couple once made this analogy: ME is like “physical checkup” for your marriage while Retrouvaille is like “emergency surgery”. But not all couples are at the end of their rope. Some couples may have been married only a few years and realize their relationship isn’t going in the direction they had hopeds and their level of communication isn’t quite where they thought it should be. Regardless of where couples are when they come to Retrouvaille, one thing is always certain, only the couple can make the necessary decisions to love and to save their marriage relationship; they have to be willing to give the entire Retrouvaille program a chance. Miracles do happen, we are one! I had hoped that we would go to ME, but there was absolutely NO WAY I would write “love letters” to my husband!
 
AM_2012: I posted a private message to you that ran long. Let me know if you rec’d
it. If not, I will condense. I am Italian ancestry; we really need to talk with our hands!

kaylynn7800
 
Its been a few days since i have posted. I am really sad tonight.

Tonight h and I went out to dinner alone. This is the first night in 4 mths that we have been alone. It was a quiet dinner. Just talked about everyday stuff.

When we got home tonight h told me that he has to be honest with me and said he can’t see how this can work. There has even too much damage done to him from all my rejection over the years that he just doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t think he can in an intimate way.

He felt forced to move back in and all it’s doing is makng him depressed. He said he wants to leave again, but doesn’t want to hurt the girls. I told him he had to do what he felt was the right thing to do.

Maybe there is too much pain in him to ever recover. I don’t know. I am really starting to doubt retrouvaille and everything else. So sad.
 
I don’t finish my thoughts.
He doesn’t think anything can change his mind at all. No therapy, retrovaille, nothing can change the lost feeling he has for me

How can we move forward when he doesn’t believe it can. He doesn’t think it can ever work. If he’s not going into retrouvaille with an open mind, how can this can’t work.
 
AM_2012 said:
I don’t finish my thoughts.
He doesn’t think anything can change his mind at all. No therapy, retrovaille, nothing can change the lost feeling he has for me

How can we move forward when he doesn’t believe it can. He doesn’t think it can ever work. If he’s not going into retrouvaille with an open mind, how can this can’t work.
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If he will go, don’t give up yet! Miracles can still happen. You will be in my prayers. Don’t be discouraged - I am sure things look bleak, but remember, miracles happen every day.
 
Thank you for praying.
I dont want to give up just feeling so hopeless. Yes he will still go, but going just to please me. I know miracles happen every day just not feeling that I am one of the lucky ones to receive this miracle. 😦
 
He also told me the reason it can’t work is because he doesnt want it to. He was only trying because of the kids. If we didn’t have kids he wouldnt even be trying. He said he’s living in fear right now that the kids will be hurt by this and that will make him unhappy.
 
Everyone says that in order for retrouvaille to work that both parties need to go in with an open mind and heart. Well H is not going into this with an open mind and heart. He’s going for the sake of going.

Anyone have any experience with retrovaille where only 1 spouse wants it to work?
 
  1. I know he’s only trying for the sake of the kids, but at least - the kids have given him a reason to try. Build on that. I know that he doesn’t want to go to the retreat, but he’s still going. These are small things, but they are things you can build on.
  2. My DH and I have had periods were we just weren’t interested in sex or couldn’t get ourselves coordinated enough to be interested in sex at the same time. It’s totally normal.
Also, a lot of couples just don’t have sex as often as you think they do.
  1. Have you read ‘the 5 love languages’ by Gary Chapman? It’s a must read for marrieds.
When I was having problems a friend recommended it to me because it was recommended to her. She laughed when I told her I had already read it!

Everyone has a love language, but you need to figure out what his is and do those things.

If he values praise, praise him.
If he values gifts, get him gifts.
If he values ‘doing’, do things that you know he’ll appreciate.
If he needs to be touched/hugged, touch and hug him.

From what you’ve posted, I can see where he’d feel rejected if he’s not getting hugs because it seems like that’s something he responds well to - so, why stop?

I do things that I would prefer not to do because I know my husband love it when I do.

My husband loves this boxed Chicken Kiev and I absolutely loathe it. However, he loves it and just smiles and talks about how it’s his favorite meal I cook. (Believe me, it’s not that hard to put something in the oven). I only reason I buy it and serve it is because he loves so much. I could easily live w/o it and he knows that I cook it because I know that he likes it so much. He appreciates it. I think he appreciates it more now that he knows I don’t care for it then when I kept pretending that I loved it too.

I’ve been married about the same length of time as you - about 10 years. It’s so hard because you aren’t in the newlywed stage anymore and sometimes, you miss the days when you didn’t have kids and all the rest.

Last year, my husband and I hit a rough patch and it was just crazy because it really seemed to come out of nowhere. We had been fighting on and off, but I cooked my husband’s favorite meal as a sign of goodwill and he just flew off the handle about whatever it was - and it was my birthday! I ended up at a friend’s house in tears and I told husband to watch the boy because I just couldn’t be home and around them. It was a truly awful birthday! We really just started listening to each other better and really trying to understand what was going on in each of our lives. We even started having more sex!

People change a lot in 10 years and, of course, you aren’t the same person that he married. I wouldn’t have that expectation. However, you both made a commitment to each other and that’s worth fighting for. There are specific reasons why you chose each other. Try to tap into those and go down memory lane. Remind him why he chose you and remind him that you chose him and the life that you have too. It wasn’t just a one-sided deal when you made it.

I wish I could just make it all better for you. I can tell that you love your husband and family very much.
 
Well after last night essentially he told me he was trying because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. And if he says he’s trying and it doesn’t work out at least he can say he tried. He feels if we ended it today he can truthfully say he’s tried everything.

I have done many things over the years that I thought showed my husband that I love him such as buying his fav food or if I am out shopping I would pick him up something because I knew he would like it.
We haven’t had sex in years so for it even to start at this point would be awkward and H has told me that he is so not interested in that let alone a hug. I want to hug him, but he doesn’t want me to touch him.

Our intimacy level is so beyond repair I think. He feels that I should have been able to know how much I have hurt him and stopped it years ago. I understand why he feels rejected. I would feel extremely rejected as well. I can’t take the past back, but I want to repair this more than anything.
 
AM_2012 said:
He also told me the reason it can’t work is because he doesnt want it to. He was only trying because of the kids. If we didn’t have kids he wouldnt even be trying. He said he’s living in fear right now that the kids will be hurt by this and that will make him unhappy.
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The kids WILL be hurt. If that is what keeps him in your home, then GOOD. Because he has to know that divorce screws up kids FOREVER. Forever is a long, long time. He may feel discouraged right now, but he should be working to forgive you and make a new type of relationship.
 
Hello A_2012,

I pray that your husband doesn’t give up but either way there is an absolutely awesome resource for you entitled* Gift of Self*. Go to the Mary’s Advocates website and you can order it there for $8.

If your husband is trying to rationalize that he can love (love here means true sacrificial love, not being “in love with” or “feeling love for”) his daughters and force them into a broken home then a great book for you to ask him to read before doing this is the Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. It explains very well the problems he is forcing on his girls by making a choice to tear their world apart. Obviously your children will hurt very badly now but a divorce’s major impact will be felt as your girls begin their own relationships with the opposite sex one day. Of course this book doesn’t address the most important part of this choice… the impact of the decision on the souls of those you love… but it sounds like to him, the eternal ramifications of his actions are not important at the present time.

Another key thing to remember is that the marriage doesn’t “end” when/if he moves out or even finalizes a civil divorce. The marriage cannot “end.” The marriage is not “over.” God joins two people into one flesh (assuming they are both free to marry each other.) We have no power to separate that. If he is your husband then for as long as you both live he can never be your “ex-husband.” Talking in these terms is very dangerous for our souls.

Your family will be in my prayers and I hope you will check out theGift of Self book. I have no interest in referring it… other than the interest of making Saints!!

Bryan

LOVE SO AMAZING
 
AM_2012 said:
Well after last night essentially he told me he was trying because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone. And if he says he’s trying and it doesn’t work out at least he can say he tried. He feels if we ended it today he can truthfully say he’s tried everything.
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Your husband has made a marvelous revelation…if he goes to the Retrouvaille program and it doesn’t work out, then at least he can honestly say that he tried everything possible to make the marriage work! I’m sure you are wanting to do the same…the children NEED you to, they DESERVE it!! THE FLIP SIDE TO THAT IS THIS: Love is a decision and only you two can make those decisions to love the other for the sake of the marriage relationship…no one else can do it for you! If you base “love” on feelings you’ve missed the boat. God said “Love one another as I have loved you” and “Love is patient, kind, etc.” He didn’t say “Love one another if you feel like it.” And when you shared your wedding vows you didn’t say you promise to love one another when you felt like it … the vows were “in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health, etc.” Retrouvaille will help you “rediscover” those endearing qualities that first brought you two together. You are still the same people who spoke those vows, you’ve just allowed life and other things influence your time and attention. Retrouvaille – which is a French word meaning “rediscover” – will help you sort through it all, put it all into proper perspective…BUT YOU HAVE TO GET THERE! Will be praying for you but
 
Hi there. I don’t know if you have tried this and I definitely don’t mean be unchaste or unholy but why not seduce your husband slowly 🙂 I assume you want sex and I am guessing he does too. Don’t outright initiate it but build up to it by flashing him your boobs for fun or wearing something revealing when it is just you and him. Make it light hearted because that it what sex is light hearted and also sacred for you too only to share. There is no sin in teasing your own husband. Why not put on a short skirt and some hold ups on and give him a flash up your skirt? make some sexy compliments about how his voice is sexy how you like his bristles whatever. These are some quotes and ideas from a couple of Christian sites

There are so many options for acting seductively. Please add your own in the comment section.
Our attempts to seduce our husbands are going make them feel desired, loved and affirmed as men. That is why it is important to be intentional about pursuing them, especially if your husband tends to be the one who always initiates. So start studying him and see what his preferences are. Use what he likes to invite him to enjoy your sexuality.

I got to thinking the other day of ways that wives can seduce their husbands. Of course, every man is different so what works for one man may not do so much for another, but I thought it would be good for us to share our ideas of how we draw our husbands into sexual chemistry. For many men timing is very important. You may do something that normally would really excite them, but if you pick the wrong time it doesn’t get you the results you were looking for. The other factor is that some men are living as sexual refusers so drawing them into a physical encounter with you is extremely difficult, but under normal circumstances where a husband and wife are sacrificially loving one another there are lots of fun and exciting ways to seduce your husband.
The first thing that comes to mind for me is how we dress. And finally, can’t believe I almost forgot. Look pretty! Present your body as a beautiful gift just waiting for him to unwrap you. Wear colors that look well on you, choose clothes with feminine details like puffed sleeves, skirts, lace, satin, or chiffon. Put on pretty matching underwear and a push-up bra that makes those girls look very nice, and then cover them up for him to discover later. Wear something that makes you feel beautiful instead of just comfortable, maybe even some heels, he’ll know what they mean.

Also pray every day for healing and don’t be afraid that sex is something dirty and your desire for it is sinful. You need to be cool and cunning here like it says in the bible a seep dressed in wolves clothes 🙂 or a sheep dressed in foxy or foxier clothes. This could be a very exciting mission and I am sure the excitement can come back you need to be dependent on Jesus and love your husband not be dependent on your husband. Its a tough one try to keep the panic down and reset begin to play with him innocently as a loving wife should.I am sure God can fix it if you both have the will to try Lots of love to you God bless

Louise.x
 
Here’s the issue. He has told me many times over and over again tat he could never imagine having sex with me again. He’s not attracted to me like that anymore. Not sure if you have read all my posts but we haven’t had sex in years so getting him even to look at me in a seductive way is next to impossible. He told me he’s sees other woman that he is attracted of, just not me 😦

Happy_again do you really feel that if he tried retrouvaille and it doesn’t work out that he has tried everything?
I know he still loves me, but because i am the mother of his children and because he loves me as a friend. So as mentioned he claims he’s not attracted to me anymore and I believe this is true. How can you be intimate with someone you are not attracted to? All the rejection he has received over the years from me had been too much and I do understand this.

I keep hearing how retrouvaille talks about what it was like when you first got married. Well our sex life wasn’t great then either and he feels we never had a good relationship. He said we got married because it seemed like the right thing to do as we had been dating for 4 years. we have no foundation to build on, how can we make it?

. He told me yesterday that we Just don’t have any chemistry and will never.
 
H just told me that he is going back to a therapist that he use to see. We saw this therapist individually several times, but I stopped seeing him because we didn’t have the same goals. My goal was to wok on the marriage and the therapist goal was to make us happy as individuals and hopefully that would intern marketers marriage work.

H stopped seeing him too because he dint feel he was getting anything out if it, but I guess his mind has changed. I asked him by he’s going he said I need answers. I am confused.
 
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