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TheRealJuliane
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Pray. I think that’s all you can do at this point. Just pray.
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Happy_Again
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Most couples have “tried everything” – counseling, priestly advice, self-help therapies, taken some well-meaning (and some not-so-well-meaning) advice of friends, families and others – and in the end “nothing worked.” From what I have read on this string, this is where the two of you are now. Separation and divorce seem to be the only option and there seems to be no hope of EVER getting back what you once had. I told a lawyer at the marriage tribunal that I believed we (my husband and I) shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place, that our children were the only good things that came from our union. But I was WRONG. Our sex life wasn’t that great either and early into our marriage I abandoned my ideal of the perfect marriage with a satisfying sex drive that would enable the honeymoon to live forever. After Retrouvaille, though, I got even more that I expected … I rediscovered the love of the man I married, but it was a more intense, compassionate, passionate, respectful and committed love. It was a love that said we are not the most beautiful people in the world and we have wounded and scarred each other with hate, but that was then and now we have a new beginning. We have each other FOREVER. My husband said he will be there for me till the day I die regardless of what comes our way. It was a love so unconditional it leaves my head spinning to think of that moment during our Retrouvaille experience over 21 years ago.
Regardless of where the two of you are in your relationship … give this program a chance … get to the weekend and attend all the Post Weekend Sessions and most importantly, DON’T LEAVE BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS!
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PrayRosary
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I will include your family in my daily Rosary. I hope it works out. Everytime i read your posts I get so annoyed by your husband. He is portrayed as such a whiner. If he leaves do you think the marriage will be eligible for anullment?
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PrayRosary
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Lemk78: Thats some good advice 
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AM_2012
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I don’t know about the annulment I would have to look into the criteria.
Yes my H is very sensitive. I am definitely the male in this relationship.
Thank you for praying. That is all I can do now. It just breaks my heart to know that he can’t see how important it is to do everything to save the marriage. I read that divorce on kids is harder than a parent dying. My girls are so small and just adore their dad so to have him not in their lives daily will be a devastation.
Yes my H is very sensitive. I am definitely the male in this relationship.
Thank you for praying. That is all I can do now. It just breaks my heart to know that he can’t see how important it is to do everything to save the marriage. I read that divorce on kids is harder than a parent dying. My girls are so small and just adore their dad so to have him not in their lives daily will be a devastation.
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The_Bucket
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Being rejected sexually is one of the worst things a wife can do to her husband. I don’t mean saying “not now honey, I’ve got a headache” or telling him she’s too tired today. If a man can’t deal with the fact that his wife is a person too and not always up for sex, that problem lies with him. And I’ll be frank and say sometimes I do get irritated by that in my own life. But again, that’s my problem and not my wife’s.
It’s quite a different story, however, when you talk about habitual rejection and the complete degradation of a married couple’s intimate life. It seems like the OP quite well understands now that when she was rejecting him sexually, he was taking it as a total rejection of him. And that’s indeed what happens! When we men are rejected by their wives over and over again, we quit. We quit trying to initiate anything, we quit trying in our lives in general. We shrivel up and die. So PrayRosary, think for a minute or two about what was going on in order to come to understand the OP’s husband’s point of view. He gave up on sexual attraction/feelings towards his wife because she said no for years… and it’s not like they had a strong intimate life to begin with.
By the way OP, I am not trying to pile on here. You know the hand you had in this mess and have been very, very forthright in admitting the fault. That’s tough for anyone to do. I think you need to let the situation play out. Do small things to let your husband know how sorry you are for rejecting him and how much you need him… in every possible way. And if you want to say that you need him sexually, then seriously…tell him. I know he’s shut that down but if a guy hears over and over again that a woman wants him, needs him… well that’s tough to resist no matter how bad the damage. Don’t press the issue too much, but maybe bring it up in a wistful sort of way with no pressure for him to actually re-engage in a physical manner. He gets his responsibility to the children and that’s good. But don’t use it as a way to hit him over the head to get him to stay around. I don’t think you’re doing that so you’re already on the right path there.
Even if his heart isn’t in it to go to counseling, it’s good that he’s still nevertheless going. Who knows how his heart can be changed by the Holy Spirit? Even the slightest crack can be burst open by God’s power.
It’s quite a different story, however, when you talk about habitual rejection and the complete degradation of a married couple’s intimate life. It seems like the OP quite well understands now that when she was rejecting him sexually, he was taking it as a total rejection of him. And that’s indeed what happens! When we men are rejected by their wives over and over again, we quit. We quit trying to initiate anything, we quit trying in our lives in general. We shrivel up and die. So PrayRosary, think for a minute or two about what was going on in order to come to understand the OP’s husband’s point of view. He gave up on sexual attraction/feelings towards his wife because she said no for years… and it’s not like they had a strong intimate life to begin with.
By the way OP, I am not trying to pile on here. You know the hand you had in this mess and have been very, very forthright in admitting the fault. That’s tough for anyone to do. I think you need to let the situation play out. Do small things to let your husband know how sorry you are for rejecting him and how much you need him… in every possible way. And if you want to say that you need him sexually, then seriously…tell him. I know he’s shut that down but if a guy hears over and over again that a woman wants him, needs him… well that’s tough to resist no matter how bad the damage. Don’t press the issue too much, but maybe bring it up in a wistful sort of way with no pressure for him to actually re-engage in a physical manner. He gets his responsibility to the children and that’s good. But don’t use it as a way to hit him over the head to get him to stay around. I don’t think you’re doing that so you’re already on the right path there.
Even if his heart isn’t in it to go to counseling, it’s good that he’s still nevertheless going. Who knows how his heart can be changed by the Holy Spirit? Even the slightest crack can be burst open by God’s power.
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AM_2012
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I only realized over the last couple of months how much damage I have done. I didn’t realize how this constant rejected had affected him, until he left and essentially I am going through what he went through, however I have only been going through it for 5 mths where he has been going through it for year.
TheBucket - Exactly what you have said about feling totally rejected. He told me that he felt that he was disgusting and gross and that is why I wasn’t intimate with him. He still feels that I was rejecting just him, not realizing I wasn;t doing it intentionally at all and these were my issues not his.
TheBucket - my fear with telling him how much I need him will make him angry in that he will say “you are only saying that now because we are in this situation. Why didn’t you need me before?” It’s worth a try for sure, I just don’t want to upset him more than he already is with me. At this current time, I can do nothing right in his eyes. He has mentioned many times that this is very depressed over this situation, but just can’t see how it can work.
Can men get over being rejected like this or do they just need to move on to someone else? I definitely realize that a lot of this mess is my fault and I am willing to take responsibility, but I am afraid its too late
We are definitely going this weekend, however he indicated that if he didn’t like it he would not go to the follow-up sessions.
He also goes back to that therapist on his own next week after retro with a goal in mind of the therapist telling him what he shoould do. Stay or Go. the fact that he is looking for this answer from a therapist is very upseting to me as this therapist only knows him for a total of 5 hours.
TheBucket - Exactly what you have said about feling totally rejected. He told me that he felt that he was disgusting and gross and that is why I wasn’t intimate with him. He still feels that I was rejecting just him, not realizing I wasn;t doing it intentionally at all and these were my issues not his.
TheBucket - my fear with telling him how much I need him will make him angry in that he will say “you are only saying that now because we are in this situation. Why didn’t you need me before?” It’s worth a try for sure, I just don’t want to upset him more than he already is with me. At this current time, I can do nothing right in his eyes. He has mentioned many times that this is very depressed over this situation, but just can’t see how it can work.
Can men get over being rejected like this or do they just need to move on to someone else? I definitely realize that a lot of this mess is my fault and I am willing to take responsibility, but I am afraid its too late
We are definitely going this weekend, however he indicated that if he didn’t like it he would not go to the follow-up sessions.
He also goes back to that therapist on his own next week after retro with a goal in mind of the therapist telling him what he shoould do. Stay or Go. the fact that he is looking for this answer from a therapist is very upseting to me as this therapist only knows him for a total of 5 hours.
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The_Bucket
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People are people and while we can be and are redeemed and forgiven by God, we can’t always make amends with other people. I know this in my own life. I deeply wounded my wife with my pornography addiction. And honestly, that addiction had nothing to do with her. I had a problem back in my teen years, it went away for awhile and came back when real life hit me. I basically used it like a drug. (I have my father to thank for discovering it by the way, but it’s my own fault that it continued).
It doesn’t make it any better or less a grave sin, but I should note that there were no other women be they real or virtual. Never any chatting, never anything like that. Strictly one-way pictures and videos. So that’s why I make it akin to drug use. I didn’t want other people. I wanted to crawl away from the world and hide. That said, I can’t imagine it’s fun to be married to a drug addict or an alcoholic and those types of addicts hurt the people they love the most all the time with their behavior.
I’ve been in recovery for quite some time now and she’s still hurting. We’re much, much better than we were but these things take time. We love one another, but the trust factor is something that will take years I’m sure.
Can my wife get over the fact that I was addicted to pornography? I don’t know. I think it’s more of a getting through it than getting over it. Moving beyond it. Admitting that the trust is damaged but striving forward anyway. In his case he’d acknowledge that he’s deeply hurt, you acknowledge that you did wrong but you move forward anyway because that’s what love is all about. It takes a renewed understanding of what love is and a strong interior life. It can be done. I’m not making predictions for you, but I’m saying it is possible.Can men get over being rejected like this or do they just need to move on to someone else? I definitely realize that a lot of this mess is my fault and I am willing to take responsibility, but I am afraid its too late
So what if he says he does not want to go to the follow-up sessions now? He’s not gone to the original weekend! Let that take care of itself. Easy for me to say, but worrying about what he will choose or not choose after that weekend is not going to help you. And it’s not going to help him either. I can’t guarantee a positive outcome. They can’t either. What I can guarantee is that you worrying about what he will do is not going to be helpful for anyone. Take his agreeing to go as a positive and leave it at that. Deal with what comes next when it… you know… actually comes.
One day at a time is not just for addicts.
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lemk78
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Honestly show him you are not rejecting him. Try out my advice. In small flirty ways. It will show him that love and affection he needs and make him feel affirmed as a man. Don’t be shy and God bless. This could be fun giving him fun again and having it yourself will do you both the world of good. Nip out and get yourself a new night dress and let him catch you in it in the morning bending over to brush your teeth or something. Do a little thing or two every day and flash a smile, or even a cheeky little wink when he sees you to affirm the message that you need him and want him in every way. Actions speak louder than words. God bless you and may the Holy Spirit come upon you and give you peace courage and discernment.
Louise
:couplekiss_man_woman:
:bride_with_veil:
Louise
:couplekiss_man_woman::bride_with_veil:
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The_Bucket
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Though a bit racy for the forum (maybe not in a PM) that’s sound advice Louise… maybe a few years ago. Or a few months from now if things go well. Not really something that I think would be best in a situation where the marriage is in such serious trouble.
That’s not to say that re-engaging sexually wouldn’t do wonders for the marriage. I personally think it would. But you’ve got to start more light-hearted and less flirty than that. Maybe things at Retrouvaille go well and they lead to a jumpstarted re-engaging of the intimate lives. If that’s the case, then yeah I’d definitely encourage that kind of thing down the line. When you get to that point that your husband is moving out and says “I can’t think about you sexually,” responding by being sexual is not going to help.
Under normal circumstances where a wife is saying that her intimate life is not so good or that she and her husband are struggling but hanging in there… I’d say yeah absolutely go for that. Definitely would put a big smile on the husband’s face and reignite the engines. But you’ve got to get the pilot light on first.
That’s not to say that re-engaging sexually wouldn’t do wonders for the marriage. I personally think it would. But you’ve got to start more light-hearted and less flirty than that. Maybe things at Retrouvaille go well and they lead to a jumpstarted re-engaging of the intimate lives. If that’s the case, then yeah I’d definitely encourage that kind of thing down the line. When you get to that point that your husband is moving out and says “I can’t think about you sexually,” responding by being sexual is not going to help.
Under normal circumstances where a wife is saying that her intimate life is not so good or that she and her husband are struggling but hanging in there… I’d say yeah absolutely go for that. Definitely would put a big smile on the husband’s face and reignite the engines. But you’ve got to get the pilot light on first.
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AM_2012
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I agree. If I did that now, he would totally refuse me and probably be very very angry with me and ask why would i do this now when this is what he wanted for so many years and i didnt do it back then. so for now I do need to avoid that.
To be honest, I dont even know what to do right now. After the arguments this weekend, I feel we are back to square one if not worse. Prior to him moving back home, things were getting better as in 5% better, he wanted to hug me and even gave me a kiss, however now we are at a point that I am dirt again in his eyes.
TheBucket - did you attend retrouvaille? How have you been piecing things together? Had your wife walked out? Sorry I don’t know your situation.
“Admitting that the trust is damaged but striving forward anyway. In his case he’d acknowledge that he’s deeply hurt, you acknowledge that you did wrong but you move forward anyway because that’s what love is all about. It takes a renewed understanding of what love is and a strong interior life”
One of the big struggles is that he doesnt realize that this can be fixed at all. He’s hurt too badly from all of this. How does someone have a renewed understaing of what love is?
To be honest, I dont even know what to do right now. After the arguments this weekend, I feel we are back to square one if not worse. Prior to him moving back home, things were getting better as in 5% better, he wanted to hug me and even gave me a kiss, however now we are at a point that I am dirt again in his eyes.
TheBucket - did you attend retrouvaille? How have you been piecing things together? Had your wife walked out? Sorry I don’t know your situation.
“Admitting that the trust is damaged but striving forward anyway. In his case he’d acknowledge that he’s deeply hurt, you acknowledge that you did wrong but you move forward anyway because that’s what love is all about. It takes a renewed understanding of what love is and a strong interior life”
One of the big struggles is that he doesnt realize that this can be fixed at all. He’s hurt too badly from all of this. How does someone have a renewed understaing of what love is?
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PrayRosary
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This is what bothers me. That you wld be willing to fix your past mistakes and he just whines about it.
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Sillara
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Damage done over long periods is not healed with a “Sorry, my bad. We can do it your way now.”
The OP (who, to her credit, admits this) has poisoned her marriage for years, teaching her husband that she rejects (doesn’t love) him on the most fundamental level. That takes much to overcome.
Would you be so hard on a woman who was having trouble trusting her recovering porn-addict husband?
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PrayRosary
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No, I wouldnt. But thats not a very good analogy you are proposing.
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Walking_Home
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Has the OP’s husband – taken responsibility for his own part – in the disintegration of the marriage. Putting his job as no. 1 – and wife/children after.
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The_Bucket
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Getting back to any physical intimacy is great. The fact that he has doubts now a few days later is almost immaterial. It could well be that he’s very scared about the prospect of giving this another shot and that giving up might be less emotionally draining. Yeah, yeah, men should be men but the rejection went on for years. It takes awhile to get back to even square one.
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Sillara
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Why not? In both cases one spouse is rejecting the other sexually. Did you not read TheBucket’s posts? Do you not think that what the OP has done is terribly serious?
When I told my husband about this thread his response was that while staying together for the children would be commendable, separation (not divorce ) was justifiable.
Even if you want to argue that point, the fact remains that failing to fulfil her marital obligations is serious business, and the OP has much to do to regain her husband’s trust.
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The_Bucket
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How about a man who put his wife down all the time? How about a man who told his wife she is fat or ugly all the time. Because that’s what a wife rejecting her husband is doing. She’s telling him, albeit not using words, that she doesn’t find him desirable.
Again, the OP has conceded that it was habitual rejection and their intimate life was nonexistent for years. It’s not a husband asking for sex every day and getting turned down once in awhile. It’s consistent rejection of him as a person.
That the OP understands this now is good. But honestly, there is precious little she can do besides take responsibility for her actions, become a better person on her own and be loving to her husband no matter what. She can’t make him do anything.
I can’t make my wife heal faster or trust me even though I have demonstrated for awhile now that I am done with my drug of choice and have radically altered my life. That’s too bad for me. It’s my fault and all I can do is to continue to allow God to change me. I can’t change anyone’s perception of me or fix anyone else. All I can do is let God work in me and pray that others are moved by His love. Whether they are is up to them.
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PrayRosary
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I agree with both your husband and you. He had a good reason to leave a long time ago. He didnt. So what is done is done. They both appear to want to resolve things, and the OP appears to be taking steps to remedy the lack of sex. But now her husband is too “sensitive” to participate.
Bucket: your situation is not the same as the OPs and you keep trying to make it so. The OP didnt have sexual relations/ideations toward anyone else.
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Sillara
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Why do you expect the OP’s husband to be able to forget about years of rejection with a quick hand-wave and an “I’m sorry”? I am not implying that that is all the OP is doing. What I am saying is that it took a long time to get to this place, and it will take a long time to get out. No matter how hard the OP is trying, it is going to take a long time for her husband to be able to trust her. It is not being overly sensitive to mistrust someone’s intentions when that person has done nothing but wound and reject you for years.I agree with both your husband and you. He had a good reason to leave a long time ago. He didnt. So what is done is done. They both appear to want to resolve things, and the OP appears to be taking steps to remedy the lack of sex. But now her husband is too “sensitive” to participate.
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