Sexless Marriage. H moved out. Going to retrouvaille

[Kal2012]

My husband is a workaholic too! He’ll work on vacations/weekends. Part of it is because he’s on call for his job, so there are weeks when he has to be available 24/7. Still, he’s had other jobs where it was just a requirement and couldn’t pass the responsibility to someone after a few weeks. I’ve been jealous of my husband’s job too! I’ve hated computers because he’ll spend more time w/them than w/me and my son. It’s one thing when I know that he’s working, but it’s another when I know that he’s hiding because he doesn’t want to deal with me or his son.

A lot of his workaholic behavior is really emotional. Being secure financially is a huge deal to him because he ended up being homeless for a time and he never wants to experience that again. So, maybe there’s just a motive that you aren’t aware of in terms of his relationship to money and work? Are there expectations that you have that he just doesn’t know that you have? I know, I fall into the the trap of thinking my husband is psychic and just knows everything I think because he’s married to me.

I know this sounds bad, but do you have goals - together? It sounds like you both have things that you are doing, but are you doing anything together?

The thing is that my husband and I have our 5 year plan (it changes, due to what’s going on) and we work as a team to achieve the plan. It’s not always wonderful, but we know that the other person is doing their part for the team. We joke about it and people tease us about the plan, but after I put my son to bed and it’s been a really rough day, I’ll turn to him and say something like, “yeah, I know this is the plan and we’re working the plan, but I don’t have to be happy about things right now!” and that’s a really nice feeling.

It just sounds like you’ve been living separate lives and neither of you really knows what the other person’s life is like anymore.

I really wouldn’t focus so much on reasons. I’d focus on the fact that he’s trying. I know that you want to be the reason now, but for him, that’s just not possible. Try to accept that.

In the end, you can only be responsible for your actions. Things didn’t get this bad overnight and it’s going to take a long time to fix things.

I know that my mom and dad had problems like yours when I was young. They slept in separate bedrooms and it was just weird. Still, I was glad that they were both in the house. Divorce is just devastating to the kids, regardless of how amicable it is.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yeah I think your right all round. The children will survive though if it really has come to that and so will you. Bye for now and God bless

Just surviving sucks. Sorry to say, if these children have to go through their parents’ divorce it will scar them for the rest of their lives and affect the families they go on to create. My husband is a product of divorce and believe me, our family continues to suffer because of it. The effects of the ruination of families goes on for generations. Some effects are subtle. Others are blatant. “The children will survive” is a rotten justification and rationalization.

 

[lemk78]

That is not what I meant. If things are so dire and the husband and wife are so estranged living in a negative relationship can be much worse for all concerned I know this because before I became a Catholic and was married I was a single mother of two wonderful young people. I know things were tough for a while but they are happy and successful now. I acknowledged the comment above and agreed. I know my two oldest children were much happier when I was happier and healed even though that was without their father. Children pick up on everything. And yes I know you don’t like what I’m saying but they will survive as long as their mother recovers heals and clings to God and loves them whatever happens. God will step out and rescue this family and loves each soul. I experienced more help from Jesus when I was a vulnerable single mother. They singles mothers are not trusted by the world the 8 years single healed me with the help of Gods grace and my children, so please try not to be so judgemental. Miracles do happen when we follow Gods will whatever that my be. I know that is the truth and so do my children.

 

[Saturn5]

I’ve been reading your thread AM_2012. God bless you and your husband for starting down this path of healing your marriage! You have been and are in my prayers.

I have one suggestion and that’s start praying the rosary daily.

I too am in similiar situation only it’s my wife who has shutdown down. 3 years ago on Valentine’s Day she told me she loved me, but wasn’t “in” love with me. I was devastated at first and being the Type A male I am, I dove into “fixing” my marriage immediately. I started ordering books off Amazon, consummed them with a passion. I “talked my wife into” doing the 40 Day Love Dare (she never finished)…dragged her to counseling (she quit after 4 months when the counselor started to ask her questions that forced her to look at her own actions and behaviors). Thank God part of that fixing was looking at my own actions and behaviors. In all that addtional chaos I created in my attempt to fix our marriage, I found I had lost my way. God wasn’t the first priority in my life. It was like I got hit over the head and my eyes were opened. So I settled into following Him. I started to pray more, particularly the rosary. The more I prayed, the more I realized, I cannot coerce, force or otherwise push my wife into something she does not want to do. I can only love her unconditionally and demonstrate to her the peace in my heart by having the Lord as my first priority. I can only invite her to join me, as Christ invites each one of us.

With that all said: yup, I fail still. I can get into a mood, feel cheated and frustrated. But when I pray suddenly I realize how Christ forgives me everyday for all the ways I sin and how I need to forgive my wife for her behaviors toward me. That doesn’t make me a doormat, I still tell her (gently) when she does something to hurt my feelings. And I have tremendous hope that she will eventually honor our marriage again someday. And I know that will be on God’s time, not mine.

I’m calmer when we talk now and I have no expectations of receiving any physical intimacy. My wife will now go on the occasional date night with me. She will call me during the day again and we can talk about a few topics that used to be off-limits. It took a long time to get to the point of despair she was at and it will take a long time to get back to where we were. I have no doubt that Christ will eventually heal my wife’s heart and I am humbled that He is using me as one of methods.

Try not to get too anxious about this one weekend. Have faith that your husband will “hear” some things that will help lead him to rediscover his love for you, but realize that may not be for bit of time. Also remember nothing is impossible with God.

You will continue to be in my prayers.

 

[lemk78]

That is beautiful and I also have found great consolation from our lady in the rosary. I am going to pray for you too. God bless you all.

 

[The_Bucket]

It just sounds like you’ve been living separate lives and neither of you really knows what the other person’s life is like anymore.

I really wouldn’t focus so much on reasons. I’d focus on the fact that he’s trying. I know that you want to be the reason now, but for him, that’s just not possible. Try to accept that.

In the end, you can only be responsible for your actions. Things didn’t get this bad overnight and it’s going to take a long time to fix things.

This right here is a fantastic summation.

It doesn’t matter that he’s trying for a less than optimal reason. It doesn’t matter that his heart is not “fully in it” and it doesn’t matter that he’s not accepting all of his hand in how things deteriorated. Those things can and will come later if you both get rolling on the healing process.

What matters now is that he is at least willing to give it the old college try. There’s at least a fair chance that the Retrouvaille weekend will slap him out of the “at least I did everything I could” mentality and make him realize he has NOT done everything he can. No guarantees, but you’ve got at least a fair shot. Let that happen and then see where you go from there. Until then, do your best to let God take care of everything and leave him be.

 

[PrayRosary]

Just surviving sucks. Sorry to say, if these children have to go through their parents’ divorce it will scar them for the rest of their lives and affect the families they go on to create. My husband is a product of divorce and believe me, our family continues to suffer because of it. The effects of the ruination of families goes on for generations. Some effects are subtle. Others are blatant. “The children will survive” is a rotten justification and rationalization.

But it is a fact. Her children will survive. Your husband is not the measure to which all children of divorce are measured. There are MANY factors involved in the development of a child. It doesnt solely depend on how many adults live in the home. I pray hey work it out and stay together though.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

But it is a fact. Her children will survive. Your husband is not the measure to which all children of divorce are measured. There are MANY factors involved in the development of a child. It doesnt solely depend on how many adults live in the home. I pray hey work it out and stay together though.

I know my husband is not the measure, but he’s AVERAGE. All you have to do is look around you at the wreckage of society to see what divorce has wrought.

 

[PrayRosary]

Im not advocating divorce. I am advocating hope in stressful circumstances. In this case being that if divorce is inevitable, the children can still flourish.

 

[Happy_Again]

**To all on this thread: **Seventeen Retrouvaille programs will begin tomorrow night throughout the world – 15 in the US, 1 in Italy and 1 in South Africa. Please join me in praying for the success of each program and especially for AM_2012 and her husband. All Retrouvaille “prayer couples” make personal sacrifices during the Weekend and Post Weekend Sessions; please join me and my husband in this effort. God knows your sacrifice and all our prayers will be answered in God’s PERFECT TIME. Begin today and pray that all those couples who have signed up to attend one of these programs will stay committed to their marriage, that they will let nothing stand in their way of getting to their Weekend and staying there!

 

[AM_2012]

Thank you! I have been feeling very anxious about this and hope this is the right time to go. I am worried that maybe we should wait another month it so until we can be civil with each other. Regardless of my fears we are going.

 

[lemk78]

Big Love to you Pray Rosary I get the feeling your a positive person with your feet on the ground. My prayers have been with all on this page and I hope everything works out for the best. It will whatever happens if you cling to Christ. I hope you really enjoy the retreat and enjoy making up if it happens. :bride_with_veil:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

**To all on this thread: **Seventeen Retrouvaille programs will begin tomorrow night throughout the world – 15 in the US, 1 in Italy and 1 in South Africa. Please join me in praying for the success of each program and especially for AM_2012 and her husband. All Retrouvaille “prayer couples” make personal sacrifices during the Weekend and Post Weekend Sessions; please join me and my husband in this effort. God knows your sacrifice and all our prayers will be answered in God’s PERFECT TIME. Begin today and pray that all those couples who have signed up to attend one of these programs will stay committed to their marriage, that they will let nothing stand in their way of getting to their Weekend and staying there!

I will be praying LIKE MAD!!! God bless all of you!!

 

[Saturn5]

**To all on this thread: **Seventeen Retrouvaille programs will begin tomorrow night throughout the world – 15 in the US, 1 in Italy and 1 in South Africa. Please join me in praying for the success of each program and especially for AM_2012 and her husband. All Retrouvaille “prayer couples” make personal sacrifices during the Weekend and Post Weekend Sessions; please join me and my husband in this effort. God knows your sacrifice and all our prayers will be answered in God’s PERFECT TIME. Begin today and pray that all those couples who have signed up to attend one of these programs will stay committed to their marriage, that they will let nothing stand in their way of getting to their Weekend and staying there!

I would be thrilled if my wife would join me on a Retrouvaille weekend. I know the potential transformational power it has! I have faith someday she will agree to go.

I will praying for everyone this weekend as well.

 

[Happy_Again]

I am worried that maybe we should wait another month it so until we can be civil with each other. Regardless of my fears we are going.

Warning: Most communities have two or three programs each year at 3 or 4 month intervals. We went in September but if we had decided NOT to go…to wait…we would have had to wait until February. I told my husband that I would not go unless we flew because our Weekend was held two states away. If we had to drive, only one of us would have made it. We’re praying and pulling for you!

 

[Happy_Again]

I would be thrilled if my wife would join me on a Retrouvaille weekend. I know the potential transformational power it has! I have faith someday she will agree to go.

We should have attended the very first Retrouvaille program in our diocese, but when I asked my husband to attend he said WE didn’t have a problem … I had a problem and that I should straighten up and fly right and do things his way, then life would be perfect. It took God two more years to soften his heart. Perhaps there is hope for your wife, too.

 

[AM_2012]

Feeling very nervous about tonight. Definitely going in with an open mind but just so anxious.

 

[Saturn5]

We should have attended the very first Retrouvaille program in our diocese, but when I asked my husband to attend he said WE didn’t have a problem … I had a problem and that I should straighten up and fly right and do things his way, then life would be perfect. It took God two more years to soften his heart. Perhaps there is hope for your wife, too.

Oh I absolutely believe there is hope for my wife! The Lord pulled me back in kicking and screaming the entire way!

I see Him working on both my wife and me and our marriage. That fills me with faith and hope!

 

[Happy_Again]

Feeling very nervous about tonight. Definitely going in with an open mind but just so anxious.

Hang in there! We’re with you in prayer!! You’ll be amazed at how quickly the weekend will pass!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Praying for those in Retrouvaille…

Especially AM_2012 and her husband. And Saturn5 and his wife. I know they are not in Retrouvaille yet but I will pray that they will be led to attend soon.