Sexless Marriage. H moved out. Going to retrouvaille

[hurting]

AM…

Let me reiterate - do not get the legal system involved unless you are in grave physical danger. A legal separation is for all intents and purposes a divorce and will involve a confrontational less-than-zero-sum game.

You are in no position to be making a major purchase such as a home. Stop now and concentrate on your marriage.

 

[Happy_Again]

Well he came to the post session and it was very enjoyable. Thanks for the prayers. I will keep you posted.

I’m glad you enjoyed the Post Session…I’m hoping that your comment means that your husband enjoyed it too.

It’s important to keep focused until you meet next time, keep the pen moving on the paper and remember the S in Weds…that’s your commitment to keep the process moving.

The second Post Weekend Session was really an eye-opener for me as my husband shared details of his family of origin with me. It was then that I realized WHY my husband behaved the way he did. His father died before we met and his family never shared with me the many ways he influenced the lives of the children in the family. After this Post Weekend Session my husband agreed to keep sharing details about his father.

As for me, the assessment was dead on. When you get to that part you will know what I’m talking about; I don’t want to spoil that unique experience for you by giving you all the details.

Just keep on writing and sharing. Pray for patience and keep that spark of hope alive.

 

[AM_2012]

Unfortunately , I have to buy the house we can’t afford our rental house at this time. He will not committ to a mortgage so I can purchase it myself. I definitely don’t want a legal sep agreement and I am not in any harm at this time, however if he decides to go through with divorce things could turn on me quickly. I need to make sure that me and my daughters are protected. I know divorce can do crazy things to people.

 

[AM_2012]

I am feeling really hopeless. I keep thinking about retroV and all the amazing transformations I saw over the weekend and how I had none of that. How did everyone there “get” retroV but my h didn’t? Why did it Make H more miserable?

I want my marriage to wok, but i feel so emotionally exhausted. I don’t know what to do.

 

[Happy_Again]

… Why did it Make H more miserable? I want my marriage to wok, but i feel so emotionally exhausted. I don’t know what to do.

Dear AM, Retrouvaille didn’t make your husband miserable…his feeling is a valid one and it comes from within his being. We DO NOT plan to be happy, sad, or miserable, nor are we capable of making ourselves feel happy, sad or miserable. The feeling/emotion is beyond our control…it just happens. Recall that a feeling/emotion is a spontaneous inner-reaction to a person, place or situation. HOW WE DEAL WITH IT – ah! There’s the rub!!

Often times when we are mentally processing certain situations in our lives, emotions will come to the surface. Sad at the death of a loved one, joy at the time of a job promotion, fear when involved in a traffic accident. If your husband is feeling miserable it is only because of something he is mentally processing. I would suggest that maybe he has a lot of pent up emotions inside that he is dealing with. And with God’s help and CONTINUED attendance at the Post Weekend Sessions, he will come to sort through those feelings/emotions. And all of this would also apply to your own emotions…your hopeless feeling.

When we present our talks, I share that at the end of the Weekend I was “emotionally drained and physically exhausted!” And I’d share that I believe it was God’s way of helping me clear away the “****” I held within me for 20 years. Like God gave me a “clean slate.”

If this doesn’t make perfect sense to you, let me know and I might be able to more clearly state – restate what it is I’m trying to share.

 

[BunnyLover]

I really have no experience to add (except that I am a counselor and have done couples counseling before and worked with unhappy divorced couples. I am not married and have never even been rejected before, so I am inexperienced), but I just signed up for this site to tell you I am praying for you too. It does take two to make it work, and I hope someday it will. I am glad you are no longer taking all the blame. I hope things get better as he moves out and gets his space. It really just sounds like he wants permission to leave. No qualified therapist would actually tell their client what to do, except in disaster situations (such as natural disaster, home burned down, spouse murdered; extreme circumstances where the client cannot figure out what to do through reason alone). I really hope the therapist is just helping your husband to work out his own feelings because it would unethical for him to actually instruct your husband to divorce or to stay. It really sucks that he could not have made this problem more clear to you before he decided it was over, and doesn’t understand that your awareness of your role would change the marriage dynamic. I think living with him has hurt you as well. I really hope you don’t end up divorced, but even though divorce is hard on kids, it is also hard on kids to see their parents miserable and unable to set proper examples of conflict resolution. The only way not to “screw up the kids” is to be together, but be HAPPY. And understand that where you fail, God will provide for your children and their lives will still have good in them. Please take time for some real self-care, you have had a ton of self-evaluation and you deserve some rest.

 

[Happy_Again]

AM, am hoping you and your husband will make it to the next Post Weekend Session. Will be praying for you.

 

[FCGeorge]

Bunnylover,
Before I began a Masters program in counseling a very wise priest advised me to read Triumph of the Therapeutic. It is a book that was written in the 1960’s and predicted prophetically where the therapeutic culture would take us.

You mention that “no qualified therapist would actually tell your husband what to do.” You even say that it would be “unethical” for a therapist to advise someone not to divorce.

Please, I pray, see what the Wise Counselor Himself said… “What God hath joined let man not put asunder.”

Please, see through the lies of the modern world of the therapeutic. The very first night of my very first course the professor said, “The goal of counseling is to help people feel better.”

For a faithful Christian, however, the goal is to help people BE better. Being better is defined as being more Christ-like. The Catholic Church is “the pillar and foundation of truth.” (1 Timothy 3:15). The Church will hold up Truth. Christ is Truth. The Church will hold up the One True Christ.

This means that as a faithful Christian counselor we can most definitely advise, for example, the woman not to have an abortion or the two men to end their homosexual relationship. We, in fact, MUST do so when we have the opportunity. Can you imagine our Blessed Lord saying, “Oh, I must meet the modern world’s definition of ethical and not try to help the sinner see the need to repent. It will make them feel bad to do so and I certainly don’t want that.”
Please Bunnylover, the world is in desperate need of faithful Christian counselors who have the mission of helping souls find eternal happiness with God instead of temporary good feelings on this earth. Please consider becoming one of these counselors. Your heart seems so large and willing to help others.

Bryan
LOVE SO AMAZING

 

[AM_2012]

Thank you. Our session was moved to tonight 6-10 instead of tomorrow ( Super Bowl ). He had mentioned all week to me that he had a party to attend to tonight at 730 so i assumed he wouldnt come. Yesterday he mentioned that he would like to come with me but asked if it would be ok if we left early. I said yes as I was grateful that he agreed to attend. We both attended tonight and only left half hour early and I dropped him off at his party. The session was enjoyable. Looking forward to the session in 2 weeks on intimacy.

Thank you everyone for your prayers.

 

[Happy_Again]

Thank you. Our session was moved to tonight 6-10 instead of tomorrow ( Super Bowl ). He had mentioned all week to me that he had a party to attend to tonight at 730 so i assumed he wouldnt come. Yesterday he mentioned that he would like to come with me but asked if it would be ok if we left early. I said yes as I was grateful that he agreed to attend. We both attended tonight and only left half hour early and I dropped him off at his party. The session was enjoyable. Looking forward to the session in 2 weeks on intimacy. Thank you everyone for your prayers.

This is encouraging news! I pray you both will keep the pens moving and sharing your feelings daily. It was wise they moved the session but it is sad that the football game seemed more important than the marriages. It is truly understandable, tho. Keep posting and we will keep praying.

 

[Happy_Again]

AM – the session on intamacy was an eyeopener for my husband who equated intimacy with sexual intercourse. Well, that wasn’t happening in our relationship way early on … but now we can be hundreds of miles away and still be intimate. It’s a really great session!

 

[AM_2012]

Any suggestions to get my H to dialogue? We have yet to do it outside of the post sessions. He doesn’t believe in the process. I have been doing it by myself.

 

[The_Bucket]

Any suggestions to get my H to dialogue? We have yet to do it outside of the post sessions. He doesn’t believe in the process. I have been doing it by myself.

I’d suggest you ease up a bit and not try to rush it. He’s going to the post-sessions and that’s way more than you expected. Dialing up the pressure to “fix it” probably won’t help and you can’t make people change. He’s got to do it himself.

I understand how bad you want to get back to normal and that’s an admirable goal. But the damage took time and so will the rebuilding.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’d suggest you ease up a bit and not try to rush it. He’s going to the post-sessions and that’s way more than you expected. Dialing up the pressure to “fix it” probably won’t help and you can’t make people change. He’s got to do it himself.

I understand how bad you want to get back to normal and that’s an admirable goal. But the damage took time and so will the rebuilding.

I agree with The Bucket. Don’t push him too hard at this point. If he’s even going to the post sessions it’s a victory and a blessing. Focus on what he’s doing right and don’t compare your results to that of the other couples.

 

[SilverCamellia]

I am afraid I can’t offer anything to this conversation, except to wish you luck, AM2012.

I have had a definite learning experience from reading this thread. I had no idea how much marriages can suffer so much. When I consider a future marriage I might have, I always imagine it going well all the time. Your thread has encouraged me to cast off the idealised view I had of marriage.

 

[Happy_Again]

Any suggestions to get my H to dialogue? We have yet to do it outside of the post sessions. He doesn’t believe in the process. I have been doing it by myself.

Dear AM, you cannot make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. Writing your letters is an act of love…you are sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings with the other most significant person in your life. It is an act of love that YOU choose to do. Your husband obviously chooses to NOT do the same and although that is unfortunate, it is a choice he is free to make. Yes, at least he is going to the Post Weekend Sessions and that definitely IS an act of love…a decision he has made for the benefit of the marriage relationship.

I would advise you to keep doing the daily dialogue and offer it to your husband to read or to NOT read it…it’s his choice, but it surely should prove therapeutic for yourself.

Keep the pen moving and keep posting!

 

[Lady_Love]

A few things, learn what belongs to you and change what you can. Do not concern yourself with your husband or “his progress.”

The first thing I see is that you can change is your attitude about how much he works. A good husband provides for his family and his wife. When a man loves a woman he works his behind off to give her what **he is capable of giving **her. If you are unhappy, it often translates in a man’s brain, “must work more, must provide her with more so she will be happy.” When your husband is working a lot you should say to yourself, “He is working because he loves me and this is how he shows me.”

The next thing is you could focus on what you love about your husband. “To him who has, more will be given. To him who has not, what he has will be taken away.” If you are grateful for your husband, you will get more of your husband. If you are ungrateful for your husband, what you have will be taken away.

The only way to fall in love is to focus on what you love about him. Don’t worry about what your husband is focusing on, you just focus on him and what is lovable about him. Your disposition toward your husband will change and once he sees that your new disposition is consistent and constant, then he will reciprocate.

Earlier I bolded “what he is capable of.” Your husband is capable of providing for you with a house, help loading the groceries, taking the kids to the park but one thing your husband cannot do is make you happy or grateful. That is something only you can do.

My prayers are with you

 

[Happy_Again]

AM 2012: How’s it going? Hoping you are doing ok. Continuing to pray for you and yours.

 

[AM_2012]

Thank you for the prayers. Things are ok.
I bought a house which I take possession of in 3 weeks. H said he would like to move in.
I am having mixed feelings about this. I really want him to move in , but I would like some form if commitment. I know I need to look at this as a form of commitment I would just like to hear the words.

Really really sad and lonely lately. It’s been a hard week. I have been travelling a lot for work and next week I am out again for 4 days.
Also h went out with his friends last weekend and got home very late. There were a lot of single girls out as well. For the first time in our 16 year relationship I felt jealous which had also contributed to my feelings of loneliness.

I will be attending the post session and I am looking forward to the topic. I hope h attends as from WHat I read its all about decisions. I think h would benefit from this.

 

[Happy_Again]

I will be attending the post session and I am looking forward to the topic. I hope h attends as from WHat I read its all about decisions. I think h would benefit from this.

AM, your feelings are valid and valuable; embrace them but don’t “feed” them. The jealous feeling has merit, but if you mull over the past and “feed” that feeling with other feelings (fear, resentment, etc.) it may likely lead to some actual behavior with consequences…for instance, saying harmful things in the heat of an argument or some other form of physical abuse.

Remember that feelings are neither right nor wrong…it’s what we DO with those feelings (the behavior) that ultimately have consequences.

ALL OF LIFE IS A DECISION…go left, go right, stay, do something, don’t do something…minute by minute every minute of the day we make decisions. THE GOOD NEWS is that it is our human nature to – for the most part – make wise decisions based on what we know at the time. Unfortunately, the consequences may not be the outcome we had hoped for, but for the most part we would not intentionally make decisions and hope for the worst.

Just a thought. Keep up the good work…keep the pen moving…keep sharing the feelings and keep going to the Post Weekend sessions. Hope and pray your husband goes, too.