Sexless Marriage. H moved out. Going to retrouvaille

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Well last night h decided to come from work at 10pm and I am sure he was drunk. Well not a good night to say the least. I said something to him that really upset him and then it was like a bomb went off. We got into a heated argument and most of it was about the past which he brought up. He went on and on how I have hurt him and how he can never get over it. He said you have only been hurting for 6 mths, I have been hurting for 6 years. I tried to explain I have been hurt as well for many years.

I told him I don’t want to continue to bring up the past. I don’t ever want to go back there, but he wouldn’t stop. I decided to get in the car and go for a drive because I knew this conversation was only going to get worse.

When I came back from my drive I had hoped he would be sleeping, however it continued and got worse. I cried for at least 2 hours. I decided we can’t talk like this and I went to bed. Some very hurtful things were said by both of us. Geez. I wish I could just take them back.

I asked him how he thinks this could ever get better. He said just time. He said retrouvaille is not the answer, counselling is not the answer. We just need time. I said you are not going to wake up one morning and think you are attracted to me. We need to work at this. He doesn’t feel that marriage require work. It’s either you click or you don’t. I am really at a loss. I don’t k is of and when he will realize the work that needs to go into a marriage.

I haven’t seen him yet today and honestly I would really like some space today but we have a post program again tonight
 
Dear AM, I do hope you and your husband made it to your Post Weekend session. It’s a decision…everything we say and do – they’re all decisions; our feelings are the only thing we cannot control…they come from within. Your husband says Retrouvaille is not the answer, he wants time. Time spent in Retrouvaille learning to communicate in an open, honest and respectful way about how you both think and feel about events – yes, even the past – is definitely time well spent! Often times one spouse struggles greatly while the other seems to adapt to a new way of communicating much faster or easier. Realizing one’s own behavior that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage is such a BIG and BITTER PILL for some to swallow. It takes a toll on one’s pride – humility is not our nature.

Just keep on doing what you think and feel is best while patiently waiting for your husband to come to some terms with the past. Here’s my favorite prayer: Lord, give me patience and give it to me NOW!! I must have said that a gazillion times in the first 20 years of my marriage. Hope it helps you.

Peace and prayers!
 
TO ALL ON THIS THREAD, please join me and my husband in prayer and in offering up sacrifices for all the couples who have registered for Retrouvaille programs beginning tomorrow in Alaska, Albuquerque, New Mexico, Central Wisconsin, Chihuahua, Mexico, Dublin, Ireland, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Houston, Texas, Jacksonville, Florida, Johannesburg, South Africa, Little Rock, Arkansas, Manila, Philippines, Nebraska, Northeast Pennsylvania (Scranton), Novaglie (Verona), Italy, Phoenix Español, Arizona, Wichita, Kansas, and Youngstown, Ohio. There are a lot of programs, so we need LOTS of prayers! Please pray, too, for the MANY couples and priests who minister to those couples and for all the MANY “behind-the-scenes” couples who help make these programs possible. Pray, also, for their families and friends who offer up sacrifices for the success of these programs. Retrouvaille is a lifelong journey and the first three months are crucial. We pray that the Holy Spirit touches many hearts and that GOD’S WILL not their own, be done!!
 
Here you are, AM_2012

I am a person who has been in a very similar situation to you (sexless marriage, not as serious as yours though) and I finally found the way out after 9 years of meaningless sufferings.

My solution is so simple … Ask God for help (ask for specific help) … Help us to love each other again, help my H to change his attitude towards me and help me to treat him right … etc … Everything else just come after like a miracle …

Believe me! Just change the way you pray!

Your case needs the change from **BOTH of you **, not only you nor your husband … **Only God has the full power to do **that!
 
AM 2012, I’m hoping and praying all is going well for you. I know you are busy with the new house and all, but I wonder if you manage to write your dialogue letters every day, or at least a few times each week.Lent is a really great time to attend the Post Weekend Sessions. There is much to reflect on and even much more joy in realizing the resurrection experience is yours every day! God be with you and yours! Me
 
To all on this thread: Greetings! I am uncertain what is happening with AM2012, but we continue to keep her in our prayers. Tonight my husband and I would ask that if possible you would remember in your prayers all those couples attending a Retrouvaille program in the following communities: Austin, Texas, Indianapolis, Kansas City, Kansas, La Paz, Bolivia, Los Mochis, Mexico, Memphis, Tennessee, Monterey/Salinas (Spanish), and Santa Clarita, California. We know the power of combined prayer…and we still shake our heads in disbelief at the marvelous deeds God has performed for thousands of couples since the ministry first began. May the peace of Christ and blessings of the Holy Spirit be with all of you!
 
Thanks for the prayers. Lately things have been very difficult at home. My H has been saying he wants things to work, but he actions are not showing it at all. He has become more distant than before. I feel like I am starting to go crazy. I have been trying for months to make this work and its only 1- sided. I can’t continue like this bi have told him what I need over and over and all he says to me is “well this is how I have felt for years”. I know I have made mistakes and have apologized over and over again but he’s not ready to accept it.

I know many people are not going to agree with me on what happened tonight, but I felt I have no other option. For the last few weeks I have been thinking that its probably not best for my h to move into the house with me because things are only getting worse in my eyes not better. Well this has been an awful weekend filled with hurt And today on our way to retro I told him how I was feeling and that unless he starts making an effort in this relationship he can’t move in. At first he was angry and then agreed that he really does need to be alone and clear his head. He told me that he is feeling very depressed. He told me that he was only here for the kids anyways. This makes sense to me because he actions never matched his words.

Lately I have been asking h to show me love in the way I need love, when he told me that he wanted the m to workout, however he feels my way is ridiculous. For those of you who read the book - 5 love languages - my primary love is gift giving. I have never received a gift from my h unless I told him to get me one. I have never received flowers or a card from him and this has definitely left me feeling neglected. He doesn’t feel that he can show me this kind of love since its not part of him. This made be livid. How could someone who claims they want their m to work not want to show them the love they need because they feel its ridiculous.

The night ended in many tears and him claiming he will look for a place to move out and we will set up a sep agreement.
 
AM_2012, I am so glad to read your update and especially glad to hear that you and your husband are still hanging in there…still going to the Post Weekend Sessions! Although it may seem like your relationship is in turmoil, I see this as a step in the right direction, albeit a very small step.

You both need to do what you must for your relationship and for your children’s health and welfare. Perhaps the times he comes to visit with them will be opportunities for positive encounters for everyone.

I hope you continue to write your letters and sharing your feelings in writing – not verbally. I knew a wife who sent her letters to her husband in the mail every day. After collecting many of them he decided it was time to write one and send it to her. It took a long time, but her persistence paid off.

Thanks again for the update. We continue to pray for all of you.
 
Sometimes I feel that I am expecting too much out if him. He’s hurt and I know this. Maybe I am trivializing how hurt he is. Is this the right thing to do? I feel that this could make things better, however I am so worried about the girls. Last time he left they cried every night for 3 mths. I can’t see them go through this again, however I can’t live like this anymore either.
 
Also how do you deal with someone who has depression, knows they have it, but feels they can resolve the issue themselves. He feels he can tackle any issue without intervention including the marriage. He feels that he will wake up one day and it will be all good. That is why he is not doing the homework of retrov. It’s not valuable in his eyes.
 
AM_2012 said:
Also how do you deal with someone who has depression, knows they have it, but feels they can resolve the issue themselves. He feels he can tackle any issue without intervention including the marriage. He feels that he will wake up one day and it will be all good. That is why he is not doing the homework of retrov. It’s not valuable in his eyes.
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Ask him if he thinks an addict can kick his habit without help or whether the victims of an addict’s behavior can just wake up one day and be healed. The analogy is a fine one because you both engaged in habitual destructive behavior. You’re used to one set of circumstances day in and day out and the cycle needs to be broken. That takes effort. You can’t just change your manner of living overnight. You have to work at it and take it piece by piece.
 
You’re used to one set of circumstances day in and day out and the cycle needs to be broken. That takes **effort [/quote said:
. You can’t just change your manner of living overnight. You have to work at it and take it piece by piece.

Well said! And to put it another way, if you keep doing what you’ve always been doing – in his case it is trying to “fix” the relationship all by himself – you will keep getting what you’ve always gotten.

In Retrouvaille terms, we need to MAKE DECISIONS TO LOVE … to CHANGE, and CHANGE is something NONE OF US wants to do. It means stepping out of our comfort zone and focusing on someone OTHER than yourself…to do something OTHER THAN WHAT WE HAVE ALWAYS DONE for the sake of the relationship.

YOU can only change yourself. If they are old enough to understand, verbally dialogue with your daughters, share your feelings with them and even describe them. [Hurt, I feel hurt and the pain is like falling off a bike and scraping my knees one much worse.]

Let them see that YOU want change and you want to change yourself…you want things to be different and are working toward that goal. Help them understand that you cannot control what he says and does. This is a very subtle yet truthful way of helping them focus on the fact that their father chooses to do what he wants to do. You are not making excuses for him leaving the house, only trying to help the girls cope better. As for your not being able to live like this anymore…have faith and believe that God is always with you and HE EMPOWERS you with that perpetual AMAZING GRACE you received at the altar when you exchanged your vows to be together forever. You CAN do this…I did and so have thousands of other wives I have met.

And regarding depression, my husband was so deep into depression – twice in his lifetime – that even being around him I could feel him weighing me down and dragging me into that deep dark abyss. It was not only emotionally painful but physically painful as well. Early on he denied he needed help so I just kept praying because I didn’t want to NAG him about seeing a doctor. I shared my feelings through dialogue and prayed ALOT! God carried me through and in HIS PERFECT TIME my husband sought help. Again, this has happened twice since we began our Retrouvaille journey 22 years ago.

Please keep the pen moving and sharing and also keep posting. Peace and prayers, Me
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So my h has decided he will live on his own for at least 2 mths which makes sense however he wants to do a joint custody do every other weekend and tues/we’d night. I can’t give up my kids this much. It’s too much for me. I don’t know what’s fair, but it can’t be this.
 
AM_2012 said:
I can’t give up my kids this much. It’s too much for me. I don’t know what’s fair, but it can’t be this.
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Dear AM, those children aren’t yours…they actually belong to God. It was God who created them and gave them life. He has entrusted you AND your husband with their life.
 
Here is something else for you to consider:

If you focus on yourself…changing for the better and for the betterment of your family’s overall health, then it is quite possible that the girls will have a healthier relationship with you and each other and ultimately their father. Perhaps the time they would spend with their father would be a positive experience for him and an opportunity for God to help soften his heart in such a way that he will actually WANT to change.

I think of the movie Fireproof…the husband took the “Love Dare” and improved his own situation and outlook on life and the wife ultimately realized she wanted the same.

This is an EXCELLENT movie … it is proof that by focusing on self and making changes in mind, body, and spirit, one spouse CAN have a huge impact on the other.

Just a thought!
 
Thank you. Please pray for me as we are going to be telling our children this weekend that daddy will not be moving to the new house. I want to ensure they are aware if this in advance as last time he just left and they were devastated.

I can’t stop crying thinking about devastated they will be. I just wish this needed to happen. I wish we could work this out without this separation. I feel that this is a conversion that they will never forget. I never want to hurt them and this is the worst hurt they can experience right now.
 
AM_2012 said:
I want to ensure they are aware if this in advance as last time he just left and they were devastated. I can’t stop crying thinking about devastated they will be. I just wish this needed to happen. I wish we could work this out without this separation. I feel that this is a conversion that they will never forget. I never want to hurt them and this is the worst hurt they can experience right now.
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Dear AM, you have a couple of days to prepare for this conversation. If you continue to “feed” your unpleasant feelings and sense of impending doom by mentally dwelling on them, then as the saying goes, “if you think it will, it will.” If you think the children will be devastated, then they surely will because of the environment and emotional preparation leading up to it.

Sometimes I obsess over chores I need to do or items I need to buy at the store. Only when I get these things out of my head and write them down on paper can I feel some relief from my mental anxiety. Perhaps you could write down in your notebook the pros and cons of the separation…make it real and tangible…something you can hold in your hands and share the list with the children if they old enough or just verbally share with them the positives.

When my husband and I were separated by 100 miles because of our jobs for two years, I recall that the weekends and special times we were together were more like dating opportunities…times when we both dedicated to each other and put all else aside…real quality time that we did not have when we were together.

You can help your children understand and possibly accept the situation a little better IF you you prepare for it and if you set the scene for success. Mentally prepare for the event in a truly positive way…pray about it, too! Each day is God’s gift to you and what you do with it is your gift to God. You can make your conversation a gift to the children or not. It’s your choice, your decision. You have free will…God’s OTHER gift that we choose to use and quite honestly it gets me into trouble A LOT!

We are praying for you!
 
I know this is the not how I should be feeling but I am so angry full of so much rage. I dont know how to stop it. i feel like he’s leaving us again when in fact I said to him if you are going to continue to act like this then you can’t move in.
 
Yes he did. He moved back in out of guilt only.
He’s so confusing to me. I feel like my head is going to explode.
This morning he tells me that he needs to work on himself which he does because he has yet to do that and that he sees hope in the marriage, however he’s not willing to work on the marriage at this time. I am
Just so confused.

What am I to take from that?

We are wired so differently.
 
AM_2012 said:
Yes he did. He moved back in out of guilt only.
He’s so confusing to me. I feel like my head is going to explode.
This morning he tells me that he needs to work on himself which he does because he has yet to do that and that he sees hope in the marriage, however he’s not willing to work on the marriage at this time. I am
Just so confused.

What am I to take from that?

We are wired so differently.
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AM, yes you are wired differently… and you are at different points in healing. I understand the difficulty, know that I was once there myself. I’d refer you back to my post earlier in the thread:

“With that all said: yup, I fail still. I can get into a mood, feel cheated and frustrated. But when I pray suddenly I realize how Christ forgives me everyday for all the ways I sin and how I need to forgive my wife for her behaviors toward me. That doesn’t make me a doormat, I still tell her (gently) when she does something to hurt my feelings. And I have tremendous hope that she will eventually honor our marriage again someday. And I know that will be on God’s time, not mine.”

Take it one day at time…sometimes it might be one minute at a time. Offer up that frustration to the Lord. Prayer will get you through this. Our Blessed Mother is wonderful for this.

The Lord calls to each of us, some hear the calling sooner than others. It took me almost 50 years to hear Him! Have patience and faith. I also ask St Monica for her help. I call her the Saint of the 3 p’s; persistence, perseverance and prayer. Ask for her help as well. Be at peace. You, your husband and family continue to be in my prayers.
 
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