G
GM_2013
Guest
Talk to your pastor IF he knows Canon Law - he does not need to have a degree on the subject, but he does need to be sufficiently knowledgeable. A lot of priest are not, and end up giving bad advice that is ruinous. Yes, I’ve seen that, and by the time the case reaches the ecclesiastical court, much damage could have been avoided IF the pastor had known Canon Law and had given good advice to the person concerned. Not all priests like the subject, not all of them give Canon Law the importance it should have when dealing with these complicated marital problems.
I don’t usually look at people’s past posts in order to have a “full” picture. Marriage problems and their canonical implications are way too complex to be fully addressed at an Internet forum. But what we can do here is to warn people about the theoretical possibilities, so that they may know there are possibilities that should be explored alongside with someone with proper formation (priest, counselor, canon lawyer etc).
I only stated a simple theoretical fact that does not need context. Imposing abstinence to a spouse is objectively a grave sin (if the person denying sex does not have grave psychological problems that would lessen his culpability, which is often the case). It exposes people to danger of falling in other sexual sins (adultery, pornography use, masturbation etc). These are usually the consequences of being denied sex on a constant basis.
This having been said, I was very clear that this situation “per se” only allows separation, not remarriage. But I also said that if grave psychological problems are involved (on either side, I do not know the OP’s story or his wife’s story), the OP should contemplate investigating the declaration of nullity (which does permit someone to get married). To be more precise right now, not only psychological problems, but any other issues that may have caused nullity (some are as simple as a lack of due form, i. e., the cleric that assisted as a witness did not get proper delegation from the pastor of the place, or somenone who did not get the proper dispensation to get married).
Yes, spiritual advice by someone’s pastor is deeply needed in times of trouble. Psychological healthcare may be needed as well. But if things are starting to fall apart, a Catholic should really consider looking into the declaration of nullity. Sometimes people get a surprise: they think the case for nullity is in the other person, and it turns out that they themselves are the cause of it. Since the OP is Catholic, and not Orthodox, the pastor won’t be able to handle this alone (if the OP was Orthodox, it would be a whole different matter, since the bishop is able to dissolve somenone’s marriage for a grave reason on the advice of the pastor).
So, I don’t need to know the full story in order to say that, alongside with any help he may get, he should talk to: 1) a priest who knows Canon Law very well (if the pastor is not this person, he should visit the pastor only for spiritual advice, not legal); 2) or a Canon Law specialist. And this is so regardless of the fact that either he or his wife has psychological problems. I don’t know and I don’t need to assess psychological information here. The specialist is the one to make this assessment.
My answer to the OP: go see someone versed in Canon Law and discuss with this person your life story. He/She should be able to help with legal matters. As to spiritual life, talk to your pastor. If you have psychological problems (I honestly don’t know), go see a therapist.
But since the original question has dealt with legal matters (getting a divorce), the answer necessarily has to be dealt with using legal advice as well (here, I gave theoretical advice only, since I know next to nothing about the OP’s life). As to civil divorce, it is permitted by the Church if the person is aware that it only deals with civil effects (ailmony, custody of children, inheritance issues etc) and the situation is objectively serious. Civil divorce does not change someone’s status as married.
