Sexless Marriage?

[Rau]

Sure, he should do that. But I still don’t see anything wrong with wanting to unload here as well.

I doubt it makes him feel any better.

 

[MainBrain]

I keep on having dreams after dreams of my wife rejecting me both emotionally and physically. It’s happening more and more. That’s kind of interesting. Interesting and sad.

I will respond to some of the very interesting responses here later. Right now I have to get ready for work.

 

[Lou2U]

I keep on having dreams after dreams of my wife rejecting me both emotionally and physically. It’s happening more and more. That’s kind of interesting. Interesting and sad.

I will respond to some of the very interesting responses here later. Right now I have to get ready for work.

I’ve been reading through your responses to this thread, OP - why aren’t you asking your Priest these questions? You need more help than we are qualified to give.

Lou

 

[PolarGuy]

Unfortunately a priest is about the last person qualified to give love & sex advice. If I need advice on subject X, I’m not going to go to a person with absolutely zero experience in subject X. Priests may be authorities on matters spiritual. They are absolutely not authorities on matters of the heart, nor should they be looked to - as many do - as de facto or “free” counselor on other subjects.

 

[Lou2U]

Unfortunately a priest is about the last person qualified to give love & sex advice. If I need advice on subject X, I’m not going to go to a person with absolutely zero experience in subject X. Priests may be authorities on matters spiritual. They are absolutely not authorities on matters of the heart, nor should they be looked to - as many do - as de facto or “free” counselor on other subjects.

That’s true. I was referring more to the fact that the OP’s marriage could be invalid, but the circumstances are really too complex for CAF. If the OP wants to stay married, he should try for marriage counseling, and definitely get him for himself. If not, I guess he should start making a move towards separation.

Lou

 

[PolarGuy]

You know what,Lou? Maybe I was a bit hasty. I thought of exactly what you wrote after I posted. I suppose that’s a fair point.

 

[Lou2U]

You know what,Lou? Maybe I was a bit hasty. I thought of exactly what you wrote after I posted. I suppose that’s a fair point.

I think you had a fair point, too. Priests shouldn’t be used as a free counselor, especially when they take the place of professional counselling. The OP’s situation is so complex he needs to get this professional counselling for his marriage, and advice from a Priest about the spiritual side.

Lou

 

[Xantippe]

I think you had a fair point, too. Priests shouldn’t be used as a free counselor, especially when they take the place of professional counselling. The OP’s situation is so complex he needs to get this professional counselling for his marriage, and advice from a Priest about the spiritual side.

Lou

I definitely don’t see “go see your pastor” as a cure-all, but I think it can be a good stop when the facts on the ground are murky, it’s not clear what the situation looks like in real life and (especially) when there are validity issues, all of which are present here.

So, see your pastor AND see a counselor AND provide them with all relevant information involving children, circumstances of marriage, mental health issues, employment history, marital history, etc. Maybe make a short list of major issues in each area and share it with the pastor or counselor to start with, as I suspect that it would be hard for them to see the big picture if the OP just starts talking.

And see the doctor, too, if you haven’t seen one lately and (again) provide all relevant information about how you are doing. I would actually probably counsel that as a first step. I believe in the past the OP has insisted that he is not depressed. I would leave that to the professionals to pass judgment on, myself. Your doctor may have some good leads on effective counselors–I know it’s hard to find a good one.

Best wishes!

 

[agapewolf]

Unfortunately a priest is about the last person qualified to give love & sex advice. If I need advice on subject X, I’m not going to go to a person with absolutely zero experience in subject X. Priests may be authorities on matters spiritual. They are absolutely not authorities on matters of the heart, nor should they be looked to - as many do - as de facto or “free” counselor on other subjects.

Actually, you’re quite wrong.

Just because a priest isn’t married does not mean he doesn’t know about the human condition-- if anything they can be quite qualified as so many people DO use them for counseling, and they hear so many confessions. You can get quite a take on the nature of marriage and have an objective perspective.

I was single for quite awhile as an adult and have had many couple friends share with me their problems and joys of marriage, and I was able to help them find the source of issues and give some objective perspective.

Read TOB by JPII…that guy knows more about marriage than most married people. and the heart of a woman better than most women know themselves.

 

[Xantippe]

Actually, you’re quite wrong.

Just because a priest isn’t married does not mean he doesn’t know about the human condition-- if anything they can be quite qualified as so many people DO use them for counseling, and they hear so many confessions. You can get quite a take on the nature of marriage and have an objective perspective.

I was single for quite awhile as an adult and have had many couple friends share with me their problems and joys of marriage, and I was able to help them find the source of issues and give some objective perspective.

Read TOB by JPII…that guy knows more about marriage than most married people. and the heart of a woman better than most women know themselves.

For the record, I would never share my marital issues with a single person who wasn’t specifically trained, and I’d think long and hard about sharing them with a friend in real life who was going to have to see us both socially.

But, I’m still on team “talk to your pastor.” Part of the value of talking to a priest is that it’s a person in real life, and a lot of us (especially people who ask a lot of advice on the internet) need more interaction with real life people. Also, while a priest might not be very helpful with regard to the nuts and bolts of marital sexuality, if he’s got a fair amount of pastoral experience, he’s seen a lot of people, and he’ll have at least a good sense of how troubled the person he’s talking to is.

An experienced priest has seen a lot of sticky interpersonal issues and will have some good ideas how to deal with them. (For example, we once sought the counsel of our pastor when there were lurid rumors that a member of our local community was having an affair, and we needed advice on what would be the right way to deal with this person. And we got a really good answer.)

 

[MainBrain]

This morning I was thinking about the few who have talked about my posting history. I can’t blame you for having a negative view of me. My posts were depressing and negative. I just wanted to share that. I understand how I come across.

 

[Catholic_Lady]

This morning I was thinking about the few who have talked about my posting history. I can’t blame you for having a negative view of me. My posts were depressing and negative. I just wanted to share that. I understand how I come across.

You’ve been going through a very rough patch for quite a while now, and you struggle with depression. It only makes sense for your posts to reflect all that. Personally I feel nothing but compassion for you. I wish there was something I could do to help, or even just have some words of wisdom to share with you, but I don’t. I’m terribly sorry. I will pray for you and your wife.

 

[PolarGuy]

I’m sorry, I am going to the wall with my belief that priests are the last people married couples should go to for marital advice.

Monicad, when you write that priests are “more than capable to counsel married couples about selfishness, humility, forgiveness, kindness,” etc., there’s nothing they bring to the table that any mature married person doesn’t bring, and a mature married person would axiomatically have a frame of reference the priest would axiomatically lack. In short, if what you want is a person who can speak about kindness, humility, etc., there is no good reason to seek a priest’s guidance over that of an married older person, and many reasons to pick the non-priest instead.

The same position applies to that advocated by Agapewolf. Further, JPII is not indicative of “any random priest.” Even if I thought JPII would give me great advice…he’s rather, uh, unavailable, and no book is a substitute for seeking advice from a human being.

See, this is where many protestant churches have it in spades over us Catholics: Many protestant churches have “church elders,” older, married couples who have succeeded in business. In other words, they are de facto life coaches, of a kind Catholics just don’t have, and, as married people, will have practical experience in marital issues no priest will ever have.

 

[kptrs]

I’m sorry, I am going to the wall with my belief that priests are the last people married couples should go to for marital advice.

Monicad, when you write that priests are “more than capable to counsel married couples about selfishness, humility, forgiveness, kindness,” etc., there’s nothing they bring to the table that any mature married person doesn’t bring, and a mature married person would axiomatically have a frame of reference the priest would axiomatically lack. In short, if what you want is a person who can speak about kindness, humility, etc., there is no good reason to seek a priest’s guidance over that of an married older person, and many reasons to pick the non-priest instead.

The same position applies to that advocated by Agapewolf. Further, JPII is not indicative of “any random priest.” Even if I thought JPII would give me great advice…he’s rather, uh, unavailable, and no book is a substitute for seeking advice from a human being.

See, this is where many protestant churches have it in spades over us Catholics: Many protestant churches have “church elders,” older, married couples who have succeeded in business. In other words, they are de facto life coaches, of a kind Catholics just don’t have, and, as married people, will have practical experience in marital issues no priest will ever have.

What about mature Catholic married couples who counsel engaged couples in the pre-Cana process? My in-laws had a great marriage and did that for years before my father-in-law passed away. Wouldn’t such couples fall into the same category as the Protestant church elders you’re talking about?

 

[PolarGuy]

Actually, kptrs, they would indeed. Not being a protestant, I’m not really sure, but I believe the “church elders” are more formal. That said, that is precisely what I am talking about.

 

[PolarGuy]

To you as well, Monicad. We will agree to disagree. Thank you for being respectful, as I tried to be.

 

[1ke]

This morning I was thinking about the few who have talked about my posting history. I can’t blame you for having a negative view of me. My posts were depressing and negative. I just wanted to share that. I understand how I come across.

I can only speak for myself, but I do not bring up your, or anyone’s, posting history to make them feel bad, to make judgments, or to portray them in any way.

I don’t have a negative view of you. I think you are in a tough position and there aren’t a lot of good choices. There are going to be winners and losers in any decision you make with all that is going on in your life. You have some major decisions and the downstream consequences are long lasting-- for you, for your children, for your wife. Not all choices are created equal.

When people, or at least when I, bring up past posts, it is generally because the person has a very complex situation that is best addressed in real life, not with random opinions of people who don’t know you or your situation.

I think you have too much riding on your decisions to base them on what we on CAF think.

 

[agapewolf]

I’m sorry, I am going to the wall with my belief that priests are the last people married couples should go to for marital advice.

Monicad, when you write that priests are “more than capable to counsel married couples about selfishness, humility, forgiveness, kindness,” etc., there’s nothing they bring to the table that any mature married person doesn’t bring, and a mature married person would axiomatically have a frame of reference the priest would axiomatically lack. In short, if what you want is a person who can speak about kindness, humility, etc., there is no good reason to seek a priest’s guidance over that of an married older person, and many reasons to pick the non-priest instead.

The same position applies to that advocated by Agapewolf. Further, JPII is not indicative of “any random priest.” Even if I thought JPII would give me great advice…he’s rather, uh, unavailable, and no book is a substitute for seeking advice from a human being.

See, this is where many protestant churches have it in spades over us Catholics: Many protestant churches have “church elders,” older, married couples who have succeeded in business. In other words, they are de facto life coaches, of a kind Catholics just don’t have, and, as married people, will have practical experience in marital issues no priest will ever have.

Still disagree with this. Where do you think JPII got his wisdom and knowledge? It certainly wasn’t infused when he became pope (he wrote L&R and TOB before hand). He was a parish priest at one time, and that’s when he learned.

I’ve had married friends who throughout our friendship have grown to trust my take on situations that they share with me (at the time a single person).

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

It depends on the priest., The ones where I am I wouldn’t suggest going to. However I have known priests who are incredibly wise when it comes to marital issues. A lifetime of seeing intimately into hundreds of marriages. Dealing with almost exclusively sexual matters in the confessional. Not to mention the wealth of knowlege ge the church has on the sacrament of marriage. The right priest could be one of the best people to give advice. To think otherwise is like thinking a doctor can’t help with cancer unless he has had it.

 

[MainBrain]

Sorry I haven’t been around. I’ve been busy working. My marriage is still void of sex, love and intamacy. I’ve seriously been contemplating a six month separation. However, maybe I should wait until my child is out of highschool. That’s three years from now. I am seriously going to pray that God touches my wife’s heart and she will want to enter into an intimate marriage. I believe in miracles.