Sexual past

[Kal2012]

My husband was my first and only. If you have a sexual past do you regret it? My friends often tell me I “missed out” on sleeping with other men.

I regret not saying no.

I wish I would have waited for my husband.

I think your friends are shallow if they think you “missed out” on sleeping with other men.

There is another side to the you “missed out” story that your friends aren’t telling you and are probably trying to deny exists…

I get “grossed out” thinking about some of the men I had sex with when I was younger. Seriously, “yuck! What was I thinking?” Compared to my husband, these other guys aren’t and were never “all that!”

Let me tell you, don’t feel bad about ‘missing out’ on STD’s or an unplanned pregnancy or the emotional dramas that get played out because sex means more to you than it did to him. You saved yourself a lot of heartache…

 

[Kal2012]

I Get new friends.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android

Thank you for saying something I couldn’t.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Never been married but when guys find out you have no past they cease to be interested.

I’ve never heard anyone say that before. I have two casual friends (they don’t know each other) that are virgins and both frequently experience the opposite. When a man finds out that they are virgins they put even more time and effort into pursuing them, up to and even well past the point of being creepy. Both have heard the line “You’re like the last unicorn!” or some variation thereof more than once.

I’m not saying you’re wrong or that your experience is incorrect. It just surprised me how different the responses can be.

 

[MJJean]

Never been married but when guys find out you have no past they cease to be interested.

I’ve never heard anyone say that before. I have two casual friends (they don’t know each other) that are virgins and both frequently experience the opposite. When a man finds out that they are virgins they put even more time and effort into pursuing them, up to and even well past the point of being creepy. Both have heard the line “You’re like the last unicorn!” or some variation thereof more than once.

I’m not saying you’re wrong or that your experience is incorrect. It just surprised me how different the responses can be.

It seems to go either way pretty often. Some guys are thrilled by a challenge and think they can put in some creepy effort or lay down a few good lines and the girl will give up the prize.

Others hear “virgin” after age 15 and decide it’s not worth the effort, the sex would probably suck due to inexperience, they aren’t likely to get anywhere, and move on to greener pastures.

Women are just as guilty, btw. I know more than one woman that wouldn’t date a virgin if her life depended on it. I know a couple that think it would be awesome to be the first. None of my friends and family are practicing Catholics and have a secular view, though.

 

[MomaMary8]

*Science is now showing us what our grandmothers and pastors knew all along. Having sex with someone who is not our spouse can have a real, measurable and harmful impact upon later relationships.

When we give ourselves away – and sex is a full giving of ourselves away physically, emotionally, spiritually – to someone outside the commitment and protection of marriage, it breaks down an important part of us, making our future relationships more unhealthy and difficult to sustain.*

Young adults have a right to know about this sort of empirical information because of its very real potential impact on their later, most-important relationships.

focusonthefamily.com/about_us/focus-findings/marriage/premarital-sex-and-divorce.aspx

and

Fagan cited a study in 1994, Andrew Greeley, a Catholic sociologist and priest, published “Sex: The Catholic Experience,” which found: 68 percent of Catholics said they had sex at least once a week versus 56 percent of non-Catholics; 30 percent of Catholics said they had bought erotic underwear versus 20 percent non-Catholics; and 80 percent of devout Catholic women approved of having sex for pleasure alone.

breitbart.com/system/wire/upiUPI-20130718-014329-4447

I wish I could find Dr Fagan’s original speech and the statistics, but I have to go make dinner I do know that Dr. Fagan is with the Family Research Council and uses government statistics for most of his works to withstand the onslaught of liberal nay-sayers.

As another poster said, get new friends…

 

[on_the_hill]

Analyze his one. I married a virgin although I was not. My spouse never let me forget how me not being a virgin really affected him, years after our marriage he cheated on me. So I wasn’t a virgin, but he has been my only since marriage. He was a virgin and I have not been his only. Which is worse?

Your spouse. He made a commitment to you through the vows of holy matrimony and violated that commitment.

If your story is legit, you have my sympathies. I had a girlfriend who used everything I did “wrong” as an excuse to even things up by cheating on me.

 

[Emese]

My husband was my first and only. If you have a sexual past do you regret it? My friends often tell me I “missed out” on sleeping with other men.

I think if you are happy than you didn’t miss out on anything. It doesn’t matter what your friends say.
IMHO getting intimate on all levels before you make the decision of chosing somebody for life can be helpful. But some people do get lucky and they do end up with the right partner at their first try. Unfortunately many don’t. Because you can meet someone who could potentially be the best friend you could ever have and who is the most wonderful person in the world, the best potential Dad and partner, but if you don’t have that “extra” going between the 2 of you than it won’t work. I often see people reasoning themself into a marriage genuinly believing that they are also in love, because they do like that person with their mind and soul, but then it falls apart, and they end up cheating, separating or they just learn to live with the situation for the rest of their lives, because their body say otherwise. And the body does not lie.

Did I regret anything? Not at all! It certainly worked for me.

 

[Kelfa28]

Missed out on what exactly?

Hubby wasn’t my first at all. I was with other guys before him.
I wasn’t his first either.

I can’t think of anything revolutionary about my past sexual experiences. In fact, I’ve forgotten about the details and specifics to be honest.
A shameful and mostly heart breaking blur.

Your friends don’t value the significance and permanence of marriage if they consider the gift of waiting until marriage to be intimate as somehow inferior to having past sexual experiences.

I don’t see anything exciting and memorable about an STD, the gut wrenching heart ache of a break up that involves intimacy or the gross and used feeling of a one-night-stand.

Can you tell I wished I waited until marriage?

I was jaded by the time I met my husband and wanted to set up clear rules about intimacy before starting any new relationships. I should have just thrown in the towel and decided on no sex until marriage.
I just didn’t have the guts or commitment level to go there.

I just know first hand how damaging an intimate relationship without marriage can be.

 

[Emese]

Analyze his one. I married a virgin although I was not. My spouse never let me forget how me not being a virgin really affected him, years after our marriage he cheated on me. So I wasn’t a virgin, but he has been my only since marriage. He was a virgin and I have not been his only. Which is worse?

Your husband is projecting. You are not his problem. Whether your partner is a virgin or not simply can not be a problem between 2 mature and balanced people who truly love each other. I suspect he has self esteem issues, and he might be unable to love anyone in this state as he is not at peace with himself.

 

[LongingSoul]

Your spouse. He made a commitment to you through the vows of holy matrimony and violated that commitment.

If your story is legit, you have my sympathies. I had a girlfriend who used everything I did “wrong” as an excuse to even things up by cheating on me.

Were you in a chaste relationship with your girlfriend? That seems weird that she had her first sexual experience with another guy as a cheat on a guy she was seeing already in a chaste way as a life principle?? Did she have a mental illness?

 

[EasterJoy]

Did you miss out by never having a traffic ticket, too? No drunk driving? You probably haven’t had the thrill of shoplifting, either. Have you felt the power of controlling the kind of gossip that can really change lives? Wow, you just haven’t lived. You ought to feel like an incomplete person until you’ve put your future and the future of others on the line for the sake of self-indulgence. Anyone would trade that for the crown of sanctity, any day of the week.

You’ve lived to please God and love your husband. Be thankful that grace has preserved you in that state. Do not listen to any evil talk second-guessing your fidelity. God is merciful, but it is wrong to presume on God’s grace, to presume that a mortal sin here or there is part of a “full life.” Horse feathers!! That is Old Scratch talking!!

 

[LongingSoul]

Did you miss out by never having a traffic ticket, too? No drunk driving? You probably haven’t had the thrill of shoplifting, either. Have you felt the power of controlling the kind of gossip that can really change lives? Wow, you just haven’t lived. You ought to feel like an incomplete person until you’ve put your future and the future of others on the line for the sake of self-indulgence. Anyone would trade that for the crown of sanctity, any day of the week.

You’ve lived to please God and love your husband. Be thankful that grace has preserved you in that state. Do not listen to any evil talk second-guessing your fidelity.

It’s really like the tactics drug pushers use to recruit new users to their lucrative business. They are like satans ‘pushers’ really, to ‘push’ you in that way. Show them the door!

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

My wife was my first and she’s my only.

I regret that in the same sense that I regret not eating the entire cheesecake last night. It probably would have been pretty amazing, but I’d be sick in the morning.

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s really like the tactics drug pushers use to recruit new users to their lucrative business. They are like satans ‘pushers’ really, to ‘push’ you in that way. Show them the door!

That is very true. One of the epistles put it this way, talking about Christians who teach others, especially new Christians, to return to the sins of the surrounding culture:

Many will follow their licentious ways, and because of them the way of truth will be reviled…These people are waterless springs and mists driven by a gale; for them the gloom of darkness has been reserved. For, talking empty bombast, they seduce with licentious desires of the flesh those who have barely escaped from people who live in error. They promise them freedom, though they themselves are slaves of corruption, for a person is a slave of whatever overcomes him. For if they, having escaped the defilements of the world through the knowledge of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ, again become entangled and overcome by them, their last condition is worse than their first. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment handed down to them. What is expressed in the true proverb has happened to them, “The dog returns to its own vomit,” and “A bathed sow returns to wallowing in the mire.”* 2 Pet. 2: 2, 17-22

 

[blessedwith3]

Your spouse. He made a commitment to you through the vows of holy matrimony and violated that commitment.

If your story is legit, you have my sympathies. I had a girlfriend who used everything I did “wrong” as an excuse to even things up by cheating on me.

Yes, legit story. He is completely “in love” with the new woman. Funny thing, she’s not a virgin either. I say that sex is very special and should be saved for your spouse. My previous sexual relations has put both my spouse and I through much hardship and his new sexual experiences are doing even more damage. I think the problem is that people don’t know what sex is truly about, I didn’t and don’t think my husband does either. So take it from me, while my husband is now getting great sex from another, I will remain chaste probably for the rest of my life, because I have learned my lesson with premarital sex and I guess marriage is not a vocation that I will any longer hold.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

If your story is legit, you have my sympathies. I had a girlfriend who used everything I did “wrong” as an excuse to even things up by cheating on me.

Although I’ve seen it plenty, I’ve never understood this reasoning. “You hurt me and damaged our relationship, so to make things better I’ll hurt you (both of us, actually) and hurt our relationship even further.” Nobody I know who’s done this was happy with their decision, and most of them ended up breaking up with the person they were trying to even things out with.

 

[on_the_hill]

Were you in a chaste relationship with your girlfriend? That seems weird that she had her first sexual experience with another guy as a cheat on a guy she was seeing already in a chaste way as a life principle?? Did she have a mental illness?

No, to the first question. Yes, she basically did have psychological problems. She tended to get herself wrapped up in self-destructive drama that drew people in. She’s been married at least twice since then. I’ve had no direct contact with her for over twenty years.

 

[EasterJoy]

Analyze his one. I married a virgin although I was not. My spouse never let me forget how me not being a virgin really affected him, years after our marriage he cheated on me. So I wasn’t a virgin, but he has been my only since marriage. He was a virgin and I have not been his only. Which is worse?

The sin that is chosen and not repented of is worse than the sin followed by repentance and amendment, but there isn’t anything in Holy Scripture that sets adultery above fornication or fornication above adultery.

The person who knows before marriage that his or her spouse would not be making vows as a virgin might have to work hard to get past that spouse’s past–it can be harder than it looks!–but such persons do not have carte blanche to punish a spouse for a sin that he or she implied was forgiven. Canon law reflects this in how it handles the innocent spouse’s rights when it comes to infidelity after marriage:

Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

**Can. 1155 **The innocent spouse laudably can readmit the other spouse to conjugal life; in this case the innocent spouse renounces the right to separate.

It is wrong to alternatively give and then withdraw forgiveness for a past offense (provided, for example, it is not found out that repentance had always been false, of course). So while I’d say the adultery was not automatically worse than the fornication and while I admit that grief over a spouse’s unchastity can be very complicated and difficult to cope with, there is no excuse for holding past bad acts over someone’s head. That is not the same as re-adjusting one’s trust to a more appropriate level. That is not to say that extending real forgiveness for infidelity is something that can be done instantly, with no time allowed for the work and suffering involved. I mean tormenting the repented spouse over something he or she has amended to the best of their ability. Get past it or let them past you, so they can at least have peace; those are your choices.

Of course it is never OK to use someone else’s previous sin as an excuse to sin against them in a similar manner. That one doesn’t fly; it is totally opposed to the mind of Christ.

 

[natistics]

My husband was my first and only. If you have a sexual past do you regret it? My friends often tell me I “missed out” on sleeping with other men.

Sex isn’t that important or that interesting, in and of itself, in my opinion. It’s really about the relationships with the men who you are intimate with.

Do you feel like you’ve missed out on relationships (good and bad, and very very bad) that you could have had with other men besides your husband?

I don’t regret my sexual past. Those experiences helped me grow up and learn about myself. But it really wasn’t about the sex. It was, again, about the relationships.

A hug from my fiancé is infinitely more warm, joyful, and intimate than any part, sexual or not, of those previous relationships.

 

[blessedwith3]

The sin that is chosen and not repented of is worse than the sin followed by repentance and amendment, but there isn’t anything in Holy Scripture that sets adultery above fornication or fornication above adultery.

The person who knows before marriage that his or her spouse would not be making vows as a virgin might have to work hard to get past that spouse’s past–it can be harder than it looks!–but such persons do not have carte blanche to punish a spouse for a sin that he or she implied was forgiven. Canon law reflects this in how it handles the innocent spouse’s rights when it comes to infidelity after marriage:

Can. 1152 §1. Although it is earnestly recommended that a spouse, moved by Christian charity and concerned for the good of the family, not refuse forgiveness to an adulterous partner and not disrupt conjugal life, nevertheless, if the spouse did not condone the fault of the other expressly or tacitly, the spouse has the right to sever conjugal living unless the spouse consented to the adultery, gave cause for it, or also committed adultery.

**Can. 1155 **The innocent spouse laudably can readmit the other spouse to conjugal life; in this case the innocent spouse renounces the right to separate.

It is wrong to alternatively give and then withdraw forgiveness for a past offense (provided, for example, it is not found out that repentance had always been false, of course). So while I’d say the adultery was not automatically worse than the fornication and while I admit that grief over a spouse’s unchastity can be very complicated and difficult to cope with, there is no excuse for holding past bad acts over someone’s head. That is not the same as re-adjusting one’s trust to a more appropriate level. That is not to say that extending real forgiveness for infidelity is something that can be done instantly, with no time allowed for the work and suffering involved. I mean tormenting the repented spouse over something he or she has amended to the best of their ability. Get past it or let them past you, so they can at least have peace; those are your choices.

Of course it is never OK to use someone else’s previous sin as an excuse to sin against them in a similar manner. That one doesn’t fly; it is totally opposed to the mind of Christ.

I don’t really know if my spouse ever forgave me for my previous sexual experience, but I was honest with him and told him from the beginning and he was willing to accept and move on, but it has really been a boulder hanging over my head throughout our marriage. I have already told him I can forgive him for his adultery, his lies about it and the manipulation he used on me to get me to believe problems in our marriage was my fault, while he was having an affair; however, he states having sex was wrong, he does not seem remorseful and is not repentant of actually beginning an emotional relationship with this other woman. And I guess I was not asking in a which is a bigger sin way, just in general. He completely used and betrayed my trust and made this mistake after taking vows, while I made mine before I was catholic, or even knew my husband. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him, but he apparently does not “feel” the same.