Sexuality in Marriage

  • Thread starter Thread starter minkymurph
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

minkymurph

Guest
I have questions concerning sexuality in marriage. After twenty years of marriage, I still feel uncomfortable having sex as I feel God is watching me doing something naughty and is somehow disapproving. I would also like to ask, is it wrong to fantasize about someone else during sex with your husband if the person isn’t real and they are an imaginary lover you that you have invented?
 
minkymurph said:
I have questions concerning sexuality in marriage. After twenty years of marriage, I still feel uncomfortable having sex as I feel God is watching me doing something naughty and is somehow disapproving.
Click to expand...
Please seek some counseling for this.

God created sex, and he created it good. Have you read the Catechism on the subject of marriage and sex, or perhaps the materials created by Christopher West to study what John Paul II taught about the subject?
minkymurph said:
I would also like to ask, is it wrong to fantasize about someone else during sex with your husband if the person isn’t real and they are an imaginary lover you that you have invented?
Click to expand...
Yes.
 
I’m aware of what the Church says but reading it in the Cathechism doesn’t make me feel any better. I was diagnosed with scitzo-effective disorder and I have a therapist, Catholic, who I have been seeing for 5 years who is great and we have a great rappore. It took him about 2 years to get me to open up to him and I still can’t broach this subject as I’m far too embarrassed and I feel women judge me. I was referred to a female psychologist one time which was an awful experience. She a letter to my doctor that shocked me to read. I was so hurt about the personal remarks she made about me. On the Internet I don’t have to talk to anyone face to face. Why is it wrong to fantasize about someone who doesn’t exist?
 
minkymurph said:
Why is it wrong to fantasize about someone who doesn’t exist?
Click to expand...
Because the gift of sex was given to us by God for procreative and unitive purposes. Procreative, for bring about new life. Unitive for uniting a husband and wife in a renewal of their marriage vows. In uniting them as one flesh, giving of themselves to each other without reservation, completely selfless. To take that away from your husband it to distort the gift that God has given to you.

Do not be ashamed to have sex with your husband, God knows all about it, He created it remember.

(btw, there can be acts that are shameful)
 
minkymurph said:
I have questions concerning sexuality in marriage. After twenty years of marriage, I still feel uncomfortable having sex as I feel God is watching me doing something naughty and is somehow disapproving. I would also like to ask, is it wrong to fantasize about someone else during sex with your husband if the person isn’t real and they are an imaginary lover you that you have invented?
Click to expand...
Sex is supposed to be an act of love. God askes us to love each other. Of course sex is reserved for your spouse, only. It really is hard to “invite Him into one’s bedroom!” But guess what? Sex is a gift from God! Why wouldn’t he want to see you enjoy it? I know it sounds a bit wierd based on previous cultures that thought it was private and potentially shameful to enjoy. They were wrong. I’ve heard a lot of MP3s on the subject and if interested I could point you to them. But first I’d suggest some books on Theology of the Body. One of Pope John Paul II’s greater works. It will answer these questions and more. JP II wrote Love and Responsibility, but I have not read it yet. Christopher West took TOB and distilled it to a Q&A format called The Good News About Sex and Marriage. I found this an excellent match for me. Others suggest "Holy Sex! by Gregory Popcak

Believe me… I was never comfortable with the concept of God in the bedroom, but since I embraced it, my 20 yr marriage has really improved. 👍

Peace!
 
1ke said:
See post #5.

It’s a misuse of the sexual act between spouses.
Click to expand...
Yes, people keep saying it’s wrong, it’s wrong. I’m sorry to harp on but I don’t understand. I feel it’s unrealistic to expect whistles and bells in the bedroom non-stop for 20 years. Is there any difference in thinking about someone who does not exist, and ‘oh, I must get the ceiling painted?’ The truth is, I have read what the Church says, completely giving to each other, pro-creation and I really don’t understand what it means. You said see post 5. Does that mean unless you intend to conceive you should not have sex all? I don’t think I understand what this giving of each other means. Reading it in a book doesn’t help. As another poster said, it’s not easy to invite God into the bedroom. Must follow their advice and get some reading material on it. Wonder what would happen if you prayed before sex?
 
minkymurph said:
I feel it’s unrealistic to expect whistles and bells in the bedroom non-stop for 20 years.
Click to expand...
I wonder if the shame you feel is actually related to your fantasizing with other men and, in consequence, robs the joy from your marital relations.

Many authors have written about the fact that fantasizing about another person during the marital act is not different from using porn - call it DIY porn. And the effects of porn in marriage are well documented: distance between spouses, lack of sexual satisfaction, frustrated expectations, etc.

Have you tried broaching this in the privacy of a confessional?

May St. Rita pray for us.

:blessyou:
 
minkymurph said:
I’m aware of what the Church says but reading it in the Cathechism doesn’t make me feel any better. I was diagnosed with scitzo-effective disorder and I have a therapist, Catholic, who I have been seeing for 5 years who is great and we have a great rappore. It took him about 2 years to get me to open up to him and I still can’t broach this subject as I’m far too embarrassed and I feel women judge me. I was referred to a female psychologist one time which was an awful experience. She a letter to my doctor that shocked me to read. I was so hurt about the personal remarks she made about me. On the Internet I don’t have to talk to anyone face to face. Why is it wrong to fantasize about someone who doesn’t exist?
Click to expand...
I certainly wouldn’t dream of advising you since you are under care now. When you are able to discuss this matter with your therapist, I’m sure they will be able to help you. You should realize that therapists do not share their thoughts about you with anyone but other therapists and then only for conformation or assistance in diagnosis and treatment for you.

As to the last part, Catholic teaching would most probably say that you should try to avoid doing this, but there is absolutely nothing mentally wrong with it, and it is common in most people to do so. In other words, no psychiatrist would declare that you were in need of theraphy for fantasizing. It’s very normal, and mostly everyone does. As I said, Catholic teaching would ask you to try to refrain from doing so.
 
Augustine said:
I wonder if the shame you feel is actually related to your fantasizing with other men and, in consequence, robs the joy from your marital relations.
Have you tried broaching this in the privacy of a confessional?

May St. Rita pray for us.

:blessyou:
Click to expand...
Broach it in confession!:eek: I’m not sure someone who is celebate would be the best person to ask anyway.

I don’t actually fantasize about other men. On occasion, I have thought about one I have ‘invented.’ He doesn’t exist other than in my own mind. To be honest, I don’t actually find men attractive and no I’m not attracted to women. I actually find other women difficult to get on with as I find them judgemental, no offense to anyone, it’s just my experience. I like male company because they talk about sport, politics and what’s wrong with the world which I like. When I go out, I go out on my own to my local as my husband is a real man’s man if you know what I mean and has loads of male aquaintances who all drink there. The local is therefore a very safe place for me to go on my own as everyone knows my husband and the bar staff know him. I can hang out with them and no one pesters me. The reason my husband doesn’t always come with me is because we have young kids and we have to go out in shifts. He’s happy enough for me to go to the local as all his mates are there and he knows they look after me but believe me, there is no physical attraction whatsoever! I just like the company. In actual fact, I can recall a friend of my husbands saying he thought he would never marry as he’s such a guy’s guy, and he’s a really popular guy and very kind. We’re really good mates. Maybe that’s the problem.
 
Wonder what would happen if you prayed before sex?
Click to expand...
Mood killer.

You must understand that God invented sex. He created sex. All things God has made are good. So sex is a good thing. Don’t be ashamed.
 
minkymurph said:
Wonder what would happen if you prayed before sex?
Click to expand...
Tobiah and his wife Sarah prayed on their first nuptials (Tob 8:7):
Now, Lord, you know that I take this wife of mine not because of lust, but for a noble purpose. Call down your mercy on me and on her, and allow us to live together to a happy old age. Amen.
Do pray this prayer like you mean it before the Lord.

:blessyou:
 
minkymurph said:
Broach it in confession!:eek: I’m not sure someone who is celebate would be the best person to ask anyway.
Click to expand...
Have you tried? A priest is also a man and he’s likely to be trained either formaly or in his career to provide good, solid advice. If the one priest in particular doesn’t think that he can give you good advice, he’ll probably tell you so and perhaps will refer you to another priest or to a councilor.
minkymurph said:
I don’t actually fantasize about other men. On occasion, I have thought about one I have ‘invented.’ He doesn’t exist other than in my own mind.
Click to expand...
It’s immaterial whether the imagined sexual partner exists or not, you’re commuting adultery with him in your imagination. Just because you’ve imagined giving the flesh that belongs to your husband to someone else is already adultery in your heart. Don’t take my words, but the Lord’s, on it (Mat 5:28):
But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
:blessyou:
 
SpiritMeadow said:
Then I would say you are blessed with a wonderful and caring man to love you.
Click to expand...
But the OP would still be doing him an injustice. After all, his agreement doesn’t change the unfaithful character of her imagination.

:blessyou:
 
Fantasizing about a made-up man is wrong because it is taking focus off of your husband – focus that you are obliged to give wholly to him and to him alone.

Even if your husband doesn’t mind, it doesn’t change that you are taking focus off of him. If a man’s wife permits him to look at pornography, it doesn’t make it right.
 
Whew, that’s a toughie! My opinion is that on one hand, the bible does address lust in a way that I feel may include this. On the other, if it draws you and your husband closer to each other…

Personally I would feel the greater wrong (and even harm) might come from imagining you’re having it with someone who you know actually EXISTS other than your husband (even if that person is unreachable now or ever).

If you need to do this to feel interested, the two of you might be equally helped by attempting to become more “connected” emotionally. Maybe you need to go out to more dinners, more movies, more spiritual events and overall, just share a lot more fun and laughter together, even if it’s in things as simple as board games at home or outdoor walks together. Sometimes it’s hard to feel close when people are too busy to set aside the time for things so very important. If this is a problem, you may prefer to PLAN to set aside allotted times each day (in advance), recognizing the value of it.

For most women, the degree of physical connection is DIRECTLY related to the degree of emotional connection they feel. (There are always exceptions, however).
minkymurph said:
I have questions concerning sexuality in marriage. After twenty years of marriage, I still feel uncomfortable having sex as I feel God is watching me doing something naughty and is somehow disapproving. I would also like to ask, is it wrong to fantasize about someone else during sex with your husband if the person isn’t real and they are an imaginary lover you that you have invented?
Click to expand...
 
Tracy10, I think you have something here. Long term relationships are a struggle and not always perfect. Intimacy is so difficult when you have young kids and my husband works long hours. There seems to be no time for ‘just us.’ Someone told me I should try greasing the door knob of the bedroom so as the kids can’t get in!😛
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top