Shattered; "cheating" husband?

[justawhisper]

today, i came across a real problem, but let me start with the whole story, or atleast most.

my husband and i were planning on moving back home (to NC) sometime by Christmas. we had recently fallen on hard times, marriage-wise and finacially. THEN i lost my job. so instead of getting another job for a month or 2, i went ahead and moved back to NC without him, waiting on him to come home. i guess that was one of my first mistakes.

prior to the move, we were fighting tooth and nail over practically nothing, which is not at all like us (we did that for years, i thought we worked out the kinks that came back up; we’ve been together for 7 years). so i move back to NC, all the sudden he doesnt have time to talk to me, very distant and distracted.

i knew he had a female friend via the internet that he really confided in and i was alright with that. it seemed innocent. but i found out today that it wasnt.

this woman’s husband befriended me on myspace and facebook. i read his last blog entry about his wife being in love with a guy shes never even met face to face. my heart sank and i just knew he was talking about my husband.

so the guy and me spoke on the phone about what we were going through, more or less venting and talking about or worries, etc. apparently his wife will not let this rest until she meets my husband and “finds out wether her feelings for him are true to life.”

i know we parted on not the best of notes. i know we werent IN love, but we loved each other. but i also understand that happens; you fall in and out of love throughout a relationship. its happened before on my part, now this is on his.

im still speaking to him online for now. i asked if he wanted us to be over and (wether he meant it or not) he says he wants us to take a break, his words, seperated. he is going to meet this woman this weekend. he doesnt know how he feels about us anymore, he no longer loves me as his wife, but more like his best friend.

im totally crushed. i have idea what i am supposed to do, where i am supposed to go from here. we cant just divorce. it wouldnt be right. we’re both catholic and we know this. but i want to know what i am supposed to do while he runs wild and violates the sanctity of our marriage. any suggestions? experiences?

i feel like im just loosing it. he was my entire life. i may not have been “inlove” but i love him with every ounce of my being. id do anything at all for him. id wait a million years. im so crushed, lost, hopeless…

 

[wardrandolph]

Praying for you and your husband.

 

[dkoinzan]

Honey, I will pray! Check out Christopher West’s books on the Theology of the Body. Truly loving someone is not about feelings. It’s about a decision to commit to that person and do everything in your power to help them get to heaven. There are many ups and downs along the way. Being in love is often lust or infatuation and it’s normal to have such feelings when you first come together it should grow into real love. Your husband is selling himself a lie. When my relationship was really tough with my husband, I fasted, prayed, and sacrificed. There was never a day when I wouldn’t do all three. Go talk to your priest.

 

[iluvmybabies]

today, i came across a real problem, but let me start with the whole story, or atleast most.

my husband and i were planning on moving back home (to NC) sometime by Christmas. we had recently fallen on hard times, marriage-wise and finacially. THEN i lost my job. so instead of getting another job for a month or 2, i went ahead and moved back to NC without him, waiting on him to come home. i guess that was one of my first mistakes.

prior to the move, we were fighting tooth and nail over practically nothing, which is not at all like us (we did that for years, i thought we worked out the kinks that came back up; we’ve been together for 7 years). so i move back to NC, all the sudden he doesnt have time to talk to me, very distant and distracted.

i knew he had a female friend via the internet that he really confided in and i was alright with that. it seemed innocent. but i found out today that it wasnt.

this woman’s husband befriended me on myspace and facebook. i read his last blog entry about his wife being in love with a guy shes never even met face to face. my heart sank and i just knew he was talking about my husband.

so the guy and me spoke on the phone about what we were going through, more or less venting and talking about or worries, etc. apparently his wife will not let this rest until she meets my husband and “finds out wether her feelings for him are true to life.”

i know we parted on not the best of notes. i know we werent IN love, but we loved each other. but i also understand that happens; you fall in and out of love throughout a relationship. its happened before on my part, now this is on his.

im still speaking to him online for now. i asked if he wanted us to be over and (wether he meant it or not) he says he wants us to take a break, his words, seperated. he is going to meet this woman this weekend. he doesnt know how he feels about us anymore, he no longer loves me as his wife, but more like his best friend.

im totally crushed. i have idea what i am supposed to do, where i am supposed to go from here. we cant just divorce. it wouldnt be right. we’re both catholic and we know this. but i want to know what i am supposed to do while he runs wild and violates the sanctity of our marriage. any suggestions? experiences?

i feel like im just loosing it. he was my entire life. i may not have been “inlove” but i love him with every ounce of my being. id do anything at all for him. id wait a million years. im so crushed, lost, hopeless…

God bless you and may He give you the strength you need to over come this difficult situation! I hope things will work out for you! I am very sorry to hear you are suffering. Seek counseling, go see your husband, talk to him…go to a marriage counselor and go together to your priest…Do whatever you can to salvage your marriage. He will be condemming himself…

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m so sorry to hear this. Your husband is so lost right now…he truly doesn’t realize it, but he is. He is seeking out another woman, to fill a void that only God can fill…I really believe this. Having witnessed affairs in my family, I can speak from some experience on it.

I personally wouldn’t stay in a marriage where someone is pretty much telling me he is going to have an affair. That is your choice, but it’s not like you’re in the dark now. He is being open about wanting to explore ANOTHER relationship, while he’s married. I wouldn’t run to a divorce lawyer either, but I would keep praying and praying and praying…for him, but also for you to do the right thing. God may not want you to remain in this relationshp. Maybe He does. But, I (personally) wouldn’t stand by and stay married to someone who has openly admitted he wants to explore another woman. That is the most unhealthy situaiton for anyone to be in…but you must do what you feel God is calling you to do. Remember, that it isn’t you who is dismantling your marriage. It takes two to make it work.You’re in my prayers.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Have you considered fighting for him?

Have you considered going to him right now (read: before the weekend) hug him, kiss him, tell him you love him and will do anything to make him happy? Remind him that you are his WIFE and that this woman is not.

Prayers won’t cut it alone, you need to be pro-active.

Ask the cheater’s husband to put his foot down on his end.

Go to your husband, make him feel secure, make him feel loved, seduce him! Then change your phone numbers, and move if you have to.

I say FIGHT for your marriage.

Good luck whatever you do!

 

[whatevergirl]

You can’t force someone to love you. It somewhat implies there, that the OP isn’t showing him all these things…and that is why he left. Often…more often than not…people don’t cheat because his/her spouse isn’t seductive enough. Yes, it can happen, but if you look at reasons as to why people cheat, it’s more about their own insecurities, not the marriage. Marriage isn’t about seduction 24/7…so when she stops seducing him, will he be off again to someone else?

I understand your sentiment KC…I do. But, he needs to grow up…and come home to his wife. He needs to change, not her. She could be the most loving wife in the world-we don’t know. But, if my husband were thinking of cheating…I can’t imagine running to him, and rewarding him for such behavior, by telling him he was the greatest thing in the world. To each’s own…

Some behaviors, when discovered, need to have consequences. I liken it to if my dd or ds were to come home with an F…they wouldn’t be getting ice cream sundaes to celebrate, that’s for sure. In the OP’s pain, she can still choose forgiveness and the ability to love, absolutely. But, that is different than trying to ‘win’ one’s spouse back. A spouse that is won back into a marriage, is not likely to remain faithful. A spouse who comes to terms with his/her own internal problems, and chooses to stay in a marriage–now that marriage has a solid shot of working.

I think that engaging with the other person’s spouse to try to put an end to this, would be a good idea. But, again, people don’t want to force love. I wouldn’t want to force my husband to stay with me…not to say I wouldn’t fight for my marriage, but I wouldn’t degrade myself to save my marriage. I’d rather be alone, than grovel to my husband, to save a marriage he wouldn’t want to be in. My husband and I were separated, and my husband didn’t’ grovel…although, he and I both were desperate to get to a good place…he told me that he only wanted me to return if I wanted to…and if I loved him.Infidelity was not an issue for us, but the same thing sort of applies. I think that justawhisper’s husband needs counseling to get to the heart of why he is considering destroying his marriage. It could be that they never should have married…could be that he has internal issues…could be a number of things…but, seduction I don’t believe, is the reason he left. It’s like alcohol for some people–they cheat to fill a void.

Praying for you, OP.

 

[KCtheMommy]

You can’t force someone to love you. It somewhat implies there, that the OP isn’t showing him all these things…and that is why he left. Often…more often than not…people don’t cheat because his/her spouse isn’t seductive enough. Yes, it can happen, but if you look at reasons as to why people cheat, it’s more about their own insecurities, not the marriage. Marriage isn’t about seduction 24/7…so when she stops seducing him, will he be off again to someone else?

I understand your sentiment KC…I do. But, he needs to grow up…and come home to his wife. He needs to change, not her. She could be the most loving wife in the world-we don’t know. But, if my husband were thinking of cheating…I can’t imagine running to him, and rewarding him for such behavior, by telling him he was the greatest thing in the world. To each’s own…

I think that engaging with the other person’s spouse to try to put an end to this, would be a good idea. But, again, people don’t want to force love. I wouldn’t want to force my husband to stay with me…not to say I wouldn’t fight for my marriage, but I wouldn’t degrade myself to save my marriage. I’d rather be alone, than grovel to my husband, to save a marriage he wouldn’t want to be in. My husband and I were separated, and my husband didn’t’ grovel…although, he and I both were desperate to get to a good place…he told me that he only wanted me to return if I wanted to…and if I loved him.Infidelity was not an issue for us, but the same thing sort of applies. I think that justawhisper’s husband needs counseling to get to the heart of why he is considering destroying his marriage. It could be that they never should have married…could be that he has internal issues…could be a number of things…but, seduction I don’t believe, is the reason he left. It’s like alcohol for some people–they cheat to fill a void.

Praying for you, OP.

Well she DID say they were fighting tooth and nail before she left the home. It takes two to fight right? So if she changes her tone, he might just change his and recognize what he’s about to destroy.

After all it’s only a suggestion, but if it were me – simply doing nothing wouldn’t be an option. I am not a “wait and see” kind of person. I would do everything in my power to stop the physical infidelity BEFORE it occurs, because once that thresh-hold is crossed there is no going back.

That’s not forcing someone to love you – they already do. The point being you can make it difficult for someone to have compassion for you or the marriage itself when the marriage is to painful to bear. Strife and arguing makes marriage unbearable, and yes, that’s why people cheat. Not all the time, some people are just scoundrels and will cheat because they can (both men and women). However, when people are reaching out from strife to connect with someone else, they are missing something at home. It takes two to fight, it takes two to make up, it takes two to fix things. Being the bigger person and stepping up first is often the hardest thing to do.

(I love arguing people’s personal issues with you whatever girl we have very definite opinions!)

OP I hope your prayers offer you some sort of answer as to what to do, and you have my prayers too.

 

[whatevergirl]

Well she DID say they were fighting tooth and nail before she left the home. It takes two to fight right? So if she changes her tone, he might just change his and recognize what he’s about to destroy.

After all it’s only a suggestion, but if it were me – simply doing nothing wouldn’t be an option. I am not a “wait and see” kind of person. I would do everything in my power to stop the physical infidelity BEFORE it occurs, because once that thresh-hold is crossed there is no going back.

That’s not forcing someone to love you – they already do. The point being you can make it difficult for someone to have compassion for you or the marriage itself when the marriage is to painful to bear. Strife and arguing makes marriage unbearable, and yes, that’s why people cheat. Not all the time, some people are just scoundrels and will cheat because they can (both men and women). However, when people are reaching out from strife to connect with someone else, they are missing something at home. It takes two to fight, it takes two to make up, it takes two to fix things. Being the bigger person and stepping up first is often the hardest thing to do.

(I love arguing people’s personal issues with you whatever girl we have very definite opinions!)

OP I hope your prayers offer you some sort of answer as to what to do, and you have my prayers too.

lol–yes we do. And you are absolutely right here. I don’t disagree…I appreciate you expounding on things. It would be nice to have a face to face chat…so I could hear your tone.

I will say though…that people often ‘fall in love’ and have affairs…because with the new person, there couldn’t be fighting, etc…it’s all new…and the time together is limited, etc…Living together day in and day out, will have its trials. My husband and I never fought until we married. So, let’s say…someone leaves his marriage and takes up with the person he/she had an affair with…sooner or later, they will argue over issues, just like the cheating spouse did with his/her spouse. It’s in the romance, and newness, that people flee to another’s arms. It’s in the day to day, sometimes mundane aspects of marriage, that real love emerges.

In other words…affairs are rarely about real love. They are almost always about selfishness and filling a void.

Hugs to you! Now back to Obama…KIDDING!!!

 

[grandfather]

today, i came across a real problem, but let me start with the whole story, or atleast most.
…

You said you have been married for seven years. You did not say whether you have any children, so probably there are none. Is that correct?

 

[Ailina]

Have you considered fighting for him?

Have you considered going to him right now (read: before the weekend) hug him, kiss him, tell him you love him and will do anything to make him happy? Remind him that you are his WIFE and that this woman is not.

Prayers won’t cut it alone, you need to be pro-active.

Go to your husband, make him feel secure, make him feel loved, seduce him! Then change your phone numbers, and move if you have to.

I say FIGHT for your marriage.

Good luck whatever you do!

I wish something so simple would work. I tried that with my ex, when I first discovered his adultery and before I discovered just how far gone he was. He ended up thinking I didn’t mind what he was doing, and proceeded to increase his adulterous behavior, rather than stop it.

To the original poster: I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how much it hurts. Your husband is seeking escape into greener pastures, not realizing that it isn’t so easy to just walk away like this.

Have you both heard of Retrouvaille? It is not counselling, but peer-led support for people whose marriages are in serious trouble. Can you convince your husband to attend a weekend session before meeting this fantasy Internet woman?

I will pray for you both.

 

[justawhisper]

thank you all for your prayers and responses.
no there are no children, thank God; if there were…

i talked to him last night on the phone. he wants a seperation and i told him to blow it out his ear, its all or nothing; im not going to be sitting on the side line while he does what he wants, guilt free. he wants to stay in touch. i cant be in touch with someone who is destroying me emotionally. thats not healthy. he says im his best friend. then i told him he just lost that if we cant fix this together. but he doesnt want a divorce? im waiting on a responce in the apologist forum on wether we need one or not; we were married civilly before becoming confirmed through the church. just a seperation? but cant be married to me anymore?

yes, it hurts. i cant eat. i cant sleep. i cant stop sobbing uncontrolably. i feel like i have lost everything, overnight. im having a real problem trying to stop drinking and smoking pot, both things are numbing it and letting me escape-though i know it isnt the right thing to do and will only make things worse in the end because im not actually dealing with this like i should. ::sigh::

 

[kevinsgirl]

Just hugs and prayers for you, hon, as I have no experience to offer. :hug1: :hug1: :hug1:

 

[capsaicin]

uhhhh, could the drinking and pot smoking have something to do with why he wants to leave you?

Seems you may have no coice but to let go. He seems pretty set. But why haven’t you gone back to where he is to make a stand?

And do you have kids? If you do, escaping into substance abuse at this critical time is unforgiveable.

 

[justawhisper]

uhhhh, could the drinking and pot smoking have something to do with why he wants to leave you?

Seems you may have no coice but to let go. He seems pretty set. But why haven’t you gone back to where he is to make a stand?

And do you have kids? If you do, escaping into substance abuse at this critical time is unforgiveable.

no this wasnt an issue til he told me what he wanted. i was almost clean except a drink here and there. no there are no children. i cant go back because its 500 miles away and i have no car. though i am so very tempted to buy a bus ticket and show up on my frontdoor steps.

 

[capsaicin]

i was almost clean except a drink here and there.

Substance abusers tend to minimize their usage and its impact on thier lives and their loved ones. Are you sure your drinking has nothing to do with this?

The fact that you have spiraled into nearly constant usage in such a short time indicates to me that there wasn’t a big leap or a long road to get there.

Deal with your substance problem first. Then see if you can repair your marriage.

 

[justawhisper]

Substance abusers tend to minimize their usage and its impact on thier lives and their loved ones. Are you sure your drinking has nothing to do with this?

The fact that you have spiraled into nearly constant usage in such a short time indicates to me that there wasn’t a big leap or a long road to get there.

Deal with your substance problem first. Then see if you can repair your marriage.

ok this really isnt the issue here. i know what it is sounding like, but he smoked pot, i did occasionlly. the only reason im back in it is because my family is smoking all around me, its available and it takes the edge off. oh and my husband drinks. this has all been going on for years. it isnt the issue here. the issue here is that my husband is destroying me, lets back off what im doing to cope, alright? im not a damn drug addict!

 

[capsaicin]

I bow out… the whole family needs rehab.

 

[Ruthie]

I think you have done the right thing, to tell him, essentially, “You can have all the women you want, **or **you can have me.”

Best friends, my foot. Best friends don’t hurt their friends like this. He has done something stupid and short-sighted. Instead of working on himself, to get back the love he should be feeling, he has chosen to see if the grass is greener on the other side. (Have you read the thread on love being a choice you make?)

Here are some things to ask yourself. If he does find out that the grass ain’t greener, are you ready to take him back? You need to make your own choices, and to be prepared, and to be ready to set up conditions like marital counseling, and be ready to tell him that, no, everything’s *not *going to be what it was like before.

Also, beware the other woman’s husband. He may be looking for an affair with you, to avenge himself on both his wife and your husband.

On the drinking and drugging issue, you may want to take a look at it. I agree that, for now at least, it’s a side issue… but… Recreational use is one thing. Doing it to numb yourself can, indeed, be a symptom of dependency. It was for me. Especially, don’t drink/use **at **him.

Besides, you need to have all your faculties right now. If he calls while you have a buzz on, you’ll probably do or say something you’ll regret later. Especially if it *does *turn out to be an issue in your marriage. Ask yourself honestly, did you guys fight only when one or both of you had a buzz on?

Praying for all 4 of you,

Ruthie

 

[grandfather]

ok this really isnt the issue here. i know what it is sounding like, but he smoked pot, i did occasionlly. the only reason im back in it is because my family is smoking all around me, its available and it takes the edge off. oh and my husband drinks. this has all been going on for years. it isnt the issue here. the issue here is that my husband is destroying me, lets back off what im doing to cope, alright? im not a damn drug addict!

It sounds like you are a recreational drug user. Marijuana is not as harmless as you think. You can not compartmentalize things going on in your life or marriage.

We also can not look forward and try to figure out what to do next without looking backward and understanding what caused things. The pain you say is real is real. Smoking dope may take the edge off, but in the end will not help one bit. It will in fact hurt.

Marriage is a sacrament, Holy Matrimony. Its purpose is to join a man and woman and God in a communion of love, and provide a stable foundation for the transmission of new life and the raising of children.

The Church teaches that when married couples deliberately frustrate or prevent the transmission of life in their marriages it is gravely sinful. The purpose of marriage is family. If you have deliberately thwarted having a baby your marriage is spiritually disordered and the painful consequences are its breakdown.

Substance abuse is an additional disorder, but it is not spearate from the whole package of disorder. There is a whole lot that needs fixing. Only God can fix it, but couples need to order their marriages according to His moral law, or they will break.
You can’t fix a little part of the problem. It needs to all be done according to God’s will.

Where things go from here will depend on how you choose to live. How things got to here are a result of how you chose to live.

God bless you no matter the outcome. God loves you and you do need to quit smoking dope.