She divorced me because i left dishes by the sink

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I was prepared to get all mad about it :p, but then I read it.
But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.
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I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”
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But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.
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She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.
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My husband and I have had (and still have at times) this exact issue.
There is only ONE reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink. A lesson I learned much too late: Because I love and respect my partner, and it REALLY matters to her. I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her— literally causes her pain—because it feels to her like I just said: “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”
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All the sudden, it’s not about something as benign and meaningless as a (quasi) dirty dish.
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Now, it’s a meaningful act of love and sacrifice, and really? Four seconds? That doesn’t seem like the kind of thing too big to do for the person who sacrifices daily for me.
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Bingo.

It’s definitely not about the glass.
 
Frivolous divorce. I am sure there were other ways he screwed up and was inconsiderate; communication was probably poor; but if marriage means anything at all, you don’t destroy it because your spouse is imperfect (as indeed you are).

“Maybe I thought my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her.”

Yep. I know everyone here HATES it when Ephesians 5 or 1 Peter is brought up, but wives are commanded to respect their husbands, ex officio. Husbands are commanded to love their wives, too, but the failure of one party to uphold his/her obligation does not imply that the other party is released from his/her obligation.
 
I get that it’s not about the glass. I really do. It’s a small sacrifice to make. I myself take care of the dishes every day (and the garbage and the vacuuming and making bottles for the baby).
But might I humbly suggest that if a glass left by the dishwasher literally causes you pain … that might be a problem that you need to address. Nothing wrong with saying the dirty dish bothers you and your spouse should help, but if it’s KILLING you maybe you need to get a little bit better at dealing with life.
 
pensmama87 said:
I was prepared to get all mad about it :p, but then I read it.

My husband and I have had (and still have at times) this exact issue.

Bingo.

It’s definitely not about the glass.
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The same thing goes for discarded clothes thrown on the floor mere steps away from the hamper. If a someone does this(here I am being neutral as the problem can swing both ways) and they know their spouse has requested time and time again to put the clothes in the hamper or the glass in the dishwasher it can reveal something deeper. It means this someone does not respect their spouse’s wishes enough.

Why is it that they are too good to put the glass in the dishwasher or the clothes in the hamper?
 
kaisersenheiser said:
I get that it’s not about the glass. I really do. It’s a small sacrifice to make. I myself take care of the dishes every day (and the garbage and the vacuuming and making bottles for the baby).
But might I humbly suggest that if a glass left by the dishwasher literally causes you pain … that might be a problem that you need to address. Nothing wrong with saying the dirty dish bothers you and your spouse should help, but if it’s KILLING you maybe you need to get a little bit better at dealing with life.
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It is not the sight of the glass that causes one pain, it is the lack of respect behind this gesture.
 
kaisersenheiser said:
I get that it’s not about the glass. I really do. It’s a small sacrifice to make. I myself take care of the dishes every day (and the garbage and the vacuuming and making bottles for the baby).
But might I humbly suggest that if a glass left by the dishwasher literally causes you pain … that might be a problem that you need to address. Nothing wrong with saying the dirty dish bothers you and your spouse should help, but if it’s KILLING you maybe you need to get a little bit better at dealing with life.
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One dish, one time, no big.

But a pattern of ignoring small requests on the basis that they’re not important enough to bother with signals major disrespect. If someone can’t rely on someone for the smallest things, it’s not fun to think about the big things.

Add very small children and accompanying hormonal changes and you are playing with fire to tell someone to “get better at dealing with life.” :rolleyes:
 
His point is fair about respecting a partner. His gender blaming is a little off. All this men are from Mars bunk gets a little old after a while. It has nothing to do with “men” and everything to do with not going through life with a selfish view.

I kinda think he still doesn’t get it…
 
Getting fussed out over leaving a cup out is something that reminds you that you’re often just a guest in your own house and you have to be good if you want to stay. It’s a little bit hypocritical because it isn’t uncommon to find a scene like. Don’t throw stones unless you’re perfect.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
His point is fair about respecting a partner. His gender blaming is a little off. All this men are from Mars bunk gets a little old after a while. It has nothing to do with “men” and everything to do with not going through life with a selfish view.

I kinda think he still doesn’t get it…
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Yeah, his examples get a bit too gender specific. Men are not the neanderthals they are sometimes portrayed as, and likewise, should not be given a pass because of this. I have had the exact same conversations with my wife. “We’ve been married eight years, you should know me by now and should know how you should and should not be acting as my spouse. I should know you by now and should know what you do and don’t need as your husband.”

I know it bugs my wife when I seemingly ignore things she has asked of me realated to manners. She knows it bugs me whe she suggests something related to money I have said is off limits (buying anything whilst we have debt to get rid off like a car loan; I loathe debt).

Luckily, we generally avoid debt, and I generally strive to not cut corners on manners as a man, but I know what sets her off, and she knows what not to ask me.

There is no reason to not know your spouse after a certain point.
 
Sarcelle said:
The same thing goes for discarded clothes thrown on the floor mere steps away from the hamper. If a someone does this(here I am being neutral as the problem can swing both ways) and they know their spouse has requested time and time again to put the clothes in the hamper or the glass in the dishwasher it can reveal something deeper. It means this someone does not respect their spouse’s wishes enough.

Why is it that they are too good to put the glass in the dishwasher or the clothes in the hamper?
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It is a passive- aggressive thing. Oh, you want me to do this and have told me multiple times to not do this? Then I will not not do what you want.

And you know, it does hurt when someone does that over a period of time.

Leo Buscaglia, author, used to say just leave the clothes on the floor. Don’t wash anything not in the hamper. If people see them on the floor just say, oh, those are my husband’s. Isn’t he cute? That’s where he likes to keep his clothes, and then change the subject.

I agree that we are not our spouses parent and don’t want to be treated as such.
 
This is also interesting to me because I am the dishwasher and laundry man in our house because I stay home. In about a half hour I will start doing dishes and there is a pile of laundry in several rooms where my wife got ready for the day. I have no problem if the dishes are in the sink or not. I rather enjoy my tasks. I do them out of love.

Here is an example. My wife loves the idea of a fast breakfast and has taken to cracking an egg in a coffee mug, putting some cheese and vegetables in it and micrwaving it for 2 minutes. (This litterally is the grossest thing you could do for breakfast). Now maybe 10
Percent of the time she runs water in the cup in the sink. But most if the time, it is just sitting there. No problem. I know she was in s hurry or busy doing one of the million things she does to provide for us. Or perhaps she was relaxing, looking at her phone or watching a little tv. Who cares? I don’t. I can clean the dish, I can bring it from the couch to the sink… It is never something I would resent her for. Does she have some bad habits? Sure. So do I. And that is why I love her and pick up after her out of love.

If a dirty cup represents resentment and selfishness in this marriage it is a safe bet they either didn’t have kids, or didn’t care for kids. The dish I wash for my wife is but a drop in the ocean compared to the dishes my five kids will destroy as soon as they wake up…
 
Wow:eek: I just couldn’t imagine breaking up a marriage over this. But even beyond that, I can’t imagine someone who was left over this writing a long, sappy blog about how she was right to leave. How emasculating. It’s probably for the best though, if dishes sent her running for the hills I can only imagine how quickly illness, poverty, or a crisis with their children would cause her to pack.

Like all couples, hubby and I have the same arguments over and over. But I choose to see it this way: the fact that he’s too lazy/complacent to clean out the sink after shaving also means he’s too lazy/complacent to leave me for using his razor when I can’t find mine. And vice versa of course.

I can’t believe there are people out there who actually think they’re easy to live with! No one is easy, you’re just used to your own annoying habits.

Seriously, first world marriage problems.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Wow:eek: I just couldn’t imagine breaking up a marriage over this. But even beyond that, I can’t imagine someone who was left over this writing a long, sappy blog about how she was right to leave. How emasculating. It’s probably for the best though, if dishes sent her running for the hills I can only imagine how quickly illness, poverty, or a crisis with their children would cause her to pack.

Like all couples, hubby and I have the same arguments over and over. But I choose to see it this way: the fact that he’s too lazy/complacent to clean out the sink after shaving also means he’s too lazy/complacent to leave me for using his razor when I can’t find mine. And vice versa of course.

I can’t believe there are people out there who actually think they’re easy to live with! No one is easy, you’re just used to your own annoying habits.

Seriously, first world marriage problems.
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Yeah I think this guy has some gender issues. And that’s coming from a stay at home dad…

Just something about how he compared courtesy (or lack thereof) with manhood…

Like I said before. His marriage failed and I still don’t think he gets it…
 
It took me a year to train my husband to put the glass into the dishwasher.

First I had to actually get him to put it into the dishwasher. Then I had to get him to put it in correctly.

Do you know how many ways there are to put a glass in wrong? I do, because my husband found them all. You’d think having 20 glasses already in there, neatly lined up on the top rack, would be a clue. Apparently not. He’d put the glass in the bottom rack, or put it in upside down, or sideways.

I’ll say this for him, though. We’ve been married 26 years, and in all that time, he’s left the toilet seat up only five times (yes, I am keeping count). 🙂
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Yeah I think this guy has some gender issues. And that’s coming from a stay at home dad…

Just something about how he compared courtesy (or lack thereof) with manhood…

Like I said before. His marriage failed and I still don’t think he gets it…
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I agree. The sexiest part of a man is his backbone. This guy seems to be lacking any and all backbone, resolve, confidence, etc.

Quite frankly, if what he wrote about the reasons for his divorce is true, he’s going to find that putting the dishes away the next time he’s married isn’t solving the problem.
 
Kay_Cee said:
It took me a year to train my husband to put the glass into the dishwasher.

First I had to actually get him to put it into the dishwasher. Then I had to get him to put it in correctly.

Do you know how many ways there are to put a glass in wrong? I do, because my husband found them all. You’d think having 20 glasses already in there, neatly lined up on the top rack, would be a clue. Apparently not. He’d put the glass in the bottom rack, or put it in upside down, or sideways.

I’ll say this for him, though. We’ve been married 26 years, and in all that time, he’s left the toilet seat up only five times (yes, I am keeping count). 🙂
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Train your husband? Does that work in reverse? Does he get to tell the guys it took a year to train you to dress pretty?

See how demeaning that can be?
 
pensmama87 said:
One dish, one time, no big.

But a pattern of ignoring small requests on the basis that they’re not important enough to bother with signals major disrespect. If someone can’t rely on someone for the smallest things, it’s not fun to think about the big things.

Add very small children and accompanying hormonal changes and you are playing with fire to tell someone to “get better at dealing with life.” :rolleyes:
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I agree. Repeatedly ignoring your spouse is not OK. Which I started handling the dishes. My wife is still unhappy though. And I certainly would never tell her that she needs to “get better at dealing with life.” I have thought it though . . .
 
kaisersenheiser said:
I agree. Repeatedly ignoring your spouse is not OK. Which I started handling the dishes. My wife is still unhappy though. And I certainly would never tell her that she needs to “get better at dealing with life.” I have thought it though . . .
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True. It would be different if I asked my wife to put the dish in the sink and she seemed to purposely not do it as some sort of statement. But then I’m not really one to nag at her because she does so much anyway.
 
One thing is clear though. Only one person in a marriage should ever load a dishwasher… Ever.

I’d rather throw out all our dishes and buy new ones than have my wife load a dishwasher…
 
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