She divorced me because i left dishes by the sink

[jmjZelie]

If I’m obsessed and upset with my husband’s belt being left on the kitchen counter rather than taken to the bedroom, that’s the first clue that I’m bugged about a deeper issue.

Yes. And for me, when that happens, it is because the deeper issue is my avoiding acknowledging a specific sinful pattern in my own self. It is easier to point out the flaws in others than to acknowledge one’s own. By the grace of God, I have learned that when I start to get annoyed like that, the problem is with me. Frankly, the same thing happens in my parenting with my children. Sure they may have some faults of their own, but my frustration is often out of proportion. It never hurts to see oneself as the lucky one in the family, to be surrounded by such amazing people. (Barring abusive situations, of course.)

 

[pensmama87]

I totally agree and this is exactly how I read it too.

The man I dated and was engaged to once was very much like this. It wasn’t about the dirty glasses, it was about being loved and respected in a way that I asked to be loved and respected.

It was also a maturity issue. He wanted someone to “take care” of him in a certain way that I was not willing to do. He has since found someone who is willing to fulfill that role in a way that he needs.

And I found someone who doesn’t need a mother to remind him how to behave like an adult.

Right.

I can understand the responses coming as if we were the (now ex) wife. Is it worth it to get so frustrated over small things if we are mentally sound enough to avoid it? No. OK.

But if we’re the spouse who is frustrating the other, why not just make a small sacrifice because it means so much to the one we love? Do we have to tell our spouse, “Wow, aren’t you selfish and petty for wanting that when I’m so obviously above it?”

That doesn’t sound very loving to me.

 

[Walking_Home]

Originally Posted by pensmama87 View Post
I’m wondering if some of you read something different than what I read.

---

Ditto.

 

[jmjZelie]

I think that what struck me about this article is the lack of compromise and problem solving among both of the spouses.

Her issue: It annoyed her that he left a glass out in the sink and not immediately loaded in the dishwasher.
His issue: It’s not necessarily that he is lazy or passive aggressive. It bothered him that he needed to put a glass in the dishwasher, because he may have wanted to reuse the glass and not dirty another glass, which creates more dishes. (this is the way I was raised too)

Both of these are valid points and important to both spouse so, work together to find a compromise that is acceptable to both of you.

My husband and I have compromised about something similar.
My husband works for a trucking company, he comes home literally filthy after spending all day loading and unloading trucks in a fork lift. When he comes home his clothes and body are covered in dirt and grease. He’s filthy and tired when he comes home and takes his clothes off in the living room.
My issue: His filthy clothes are left in the living room, I want him to take his clothes off in the bedroom.
His issue: He takes his filthy clothes off in the living room because, he can’t stand the idea of walking through the house into the bedroom with his filthy boots and clothes.
Our solution and compromise: I got a laundry basket and put it in a closet by the front door for him to easily throw his dirty clothes and place his boots. He can take off his clothes where he wants…and I don’t have to see his filthy clothes.

That is a beautiful example of compromise and compassion. Thank you for sharing that! Like Steven Covey says, look for the win-win solution.

 

[Hawkmaid]

Wow. He’s got a great point, and I’m so glad he sees the truth. This generation is incredibly lacking in gentlemen, and I’m praying that my husband (if I’ll have one) will have been well taught by his mother the “rules” of respecting a woman - whether holding a door, or putting away dishes that are just there. I see my Dad do this for my Mom, and it touches my heart. I don’t think it’s a “Men need to submit” or a “Women need to be less touchy” kind of thing; it’s a mutual-respect-and-understanding kind of thing. We’re missing out on that in this generation, I think. Now we have these psuedo man-boys and overly-mature (and rather prideful) women marrying each other (sometimes multiple times…) and it’s just spiraling down. :slapfight: Grow up, humanity, and show some respect!

 

[Conner_77]

I’m a bit younger than most, but I do feel that I can claim some significant life observations on marriage.

It’s possible people divorce one another over small issues, personalities, or even seemingly large issues that are inside of the marriage. It is more probable, however, in most cases, external factors are to blame. An eye for someone else (very common) in-laws, realization of monetary opportunity (alimony / child support / half of large savings or property legally entitled to). Or maybe it’s just a hidden, uncommitted attitude that existed prior to the marriage.

I’ve even seen cases where spouses claimed abuse and sought safe place help, only to see them proclaim their love for another on Facebook or through friends immediately afterwards. Makes one wonder about the credibility of the claims and prudence. Although I do believe there are clear cases of physical abuse that need attention.

This is an interesting article and writing style. My point is, someone should tell the writer that the cup on the sink is just part of the discarding cycle. Or perhaps he wanted her to leave and this is his appeal to conscience (writing a blog).

 

[MT1926]

I’m wondering if some of you read something different than what I read.

I’m not condoning the wife for leaving, and yes, I think the author gets a little too gender specific. But his overall point has nothing to do with dishes or other household tasks. I think about it like love languages. A spouse is requesting, over and over and over, “Please love me the way I like to be loved.” And the other spouse consistently says, “No, that is a silly way to feel and I won’t do it.”

I’ve been there. It stinks. And yes, it’s tempting to leave. And yes, I had additional things going on at the time. But I wasn’t in a place at that time to have to “pull myself up by my bootstraps” and just get over myself already. I needed help. It was very damaging to be refused over and over and over. My husband thought nothing of it because he didn’t see it the way I did. But after some counseling and love language stuff we got a lot better.

But if it had gone on for five, ten, fifteen more years? It could have been very, very bad.

ETA: Other ways this could appear: The spouse who consistently denies sex or other physical intimacy. The spouse who refuses to say “I love you” because the other spouse “should just know.” The spouse who says gifts on special occasions is just silly commercialism. It’s one things if spouses mutually agree. But if one spouse cares about it, the other should make an effort, and if he or she doesn’t then don’t be surprised that your spouse gets the impression that you don’t care.

Funny, I was thinking the same thing.
When I read it I had a few laughs, cause yes I leave my dishes in the sink. But I saw the whole point of the story to be lack of communication. Whether it is a glass in the sink or some other trivial thing, I doubt anyone can really say they didn’t feel equally hurt because their spouse got on them about something trivial at the end of a long day.

The Love languages is a good comparison and has some excellent advise. Although they weren’t beneficial in my marriage. I think it is cause the wife has 4 of them and I only have the one that she didn’t have. I guess it kind of made it unfair me having 4 to chose from and her only having the one which wasn’t “important” (for lack of a better word) to her. All in all after 24 years it all came down to communicating our thoughts and feelings better.

 

[MT1926]

I’m praying that my husband (if I’ll have one) will have been well taught by his mother the “rules” of respecting a woman

I would recommend looking for a man that is well taught by his father. That’s who taught me and I am the one who taught my son.

 

[Stephen_says]

It took me a year to train my husband to put the glass into the dishwasher.

First I had to actually get him to put it into the dishwasher. Then I had to get him to put it in correctly.

Do you know how many ways there are to put a glass in wrong? I do, because my husband found them all. You’d think having 20 glasses already in there, neatly lined up on the top rack, would be a clue. Apparently not. He’d put the glass in the bottom rack, or put it in upside down, or sideways.

I’ll say this for him, though. We’ve been married 26 years, and in all that time, he’s left the toilet seat up only five times (yes, I am keeping count).

I can’t tell if you’re being facetious or not…

also…in my apartment, the dishwasher is called a sink…so I’m bound for trouble, aren’t I?

 

[Kelfa28]

One thing is clear though. Only one person in a marriage should ever load a dishwasher… Ever.

You’re not the only one.

I’m not allowed to load the dishwasher either. I’m also not really allowed to wash dishes but my husband lets me do that on occasion.

It’s because I do a terrible job at scraping off the food from the plates.

Hubby jokes that I’ve thrown an entire meatloaf in the dishwasher, hoping it will magically dispose the food and clean the plate…

However, instead of getting constantly annoyed and spending forever trying to get me to do something he wants…he spoke up about it and had a frank discussion with me.

“Babe, you can’t load the dishwasher anymore…I’m seriously afraid that you’re going to break it. I’ve asked you to be more careful cleaning plates before you put them in and you still don’t listen…it’s not a magic box that cleans dishes…you’re cut off!”

In my defense…I just don’t think I do a good enough job at cleaning plates to his standards.

Oh well, we talked about it and moved on.

Isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be like?

Can’t imagine getting divorced over something like that. Maybe my pride was hit a little but I got over it.

 

[AKDee]

My sweetie is allergic to doing dishes and I used to let it really annoy me. We’d get into dishes wars where if it was his turn to unload/reload this dishwasher because I’d done it the previous 3 times I just wouldn’t do it until he got the hint. But more recently I’ve decided that it makes more sense to just do it myself and offer it up if it irritates me. I definitely wouldn’t see that as a dealbreaker on marriage.

 

[PaulinVA]

Here’s my take on these types of things. It happens here sometimes, and sometimes in real life.

If a man has a way he wants things in a house - dinner at a specific time, things done a specific way, he’s controlling and people opine that he probably abuses the people in the family. If a wife acts this way, glasses in the sink, load the dishwasher a certain way, clothes in the hamper, be home at a certain time, etc, then the general consensus is that the husband just should do what his wife asks out of love and you’re a slob anyway.

We’ve been married for 32 years. The answer to a lot of pet peeves is, “Get over it”. My wife has told me that, I’ve told her that.

 

[jmjZelie]

You’re not the only one.

I’m not allowed to load the dishwasher either. I’m also not really allowed to wash dishes but my husband lets me do that on occasion.

It’s because I do a terrible job at scraping off the food from the plates.

Hubby jokes that I’ve thrown an entire meatloaf in the dishwasher, hoping it will magically dispose the food and clean the plate…

However, instead of getting constantly annoyed and spending forever trying to get me to do something he wants…he spoke up about it and had a frank discussion with me.

“Babe, you can’t load the dishwasher anymore…I’m seriously afraid that you’re going to break it. I’ve asked you to be more careful cleaning plates before you put them in and you still don’t listen…it’s not a magic box that cleans dishes…you’re cut off!”

In my defense…I just don’t think I do a good enough job at cleaning plates to his standards.

Oh well, we talked about it and moved on.

Isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be like?

Can’t imagine getting divorced over something like that. Maybe my pride was hit a little but I got over it.

Great story!

I had to have the same talk with my husband. I told him that I couldn’t let him load the dishwasher anymore because of the same reasons you mention. I asked him just to let me handle it, and I would gladly accept his help elsewhere. Well, he decided to start learning how to scrape plates and rinse and stack dishes and efficiently load the dishwasher instead. He took it as a challenge, since he has the time to learn. He is doing much better with his kitchen skills overall these days. I was fully ready to accept the kitchen being my total responsibility. But he wasn’t. Another happy compromise. I think it also helped when he heard from his dad about how dishwashers were invented to sanitize dishes, not wash them per se. And that it drives his dad nuts when people just load up dishes with tons of food stuck to them and expect the dishwasher to get it all. Because it doesn’t, inevitably, and then you are left with a baked-on mess. (My father in law was the BEST postpartum helper I have ever had. We had 4 course dinners with hams and vegetables and the kitchen was always tidied at the end of the day.).

 

[EasterJoy]

Here’s my take on these types of things. It happens here sometimes, and sometimes in real life.

If a man has a way he wants things in a house - dinner at a specific time, things done a specific way, he’s controlling and people opine that he probably abuses the people in the family. If a wife acts this way, glasses in the sink, load the dishwasher a certain way, clothes in the hamper, be home at a certain time, etc, then the general consensus is that the husband just should do what his wife asks out of love and you’re a slob anyway.

We’ve been married for 32 years. The answer to a lot of pet peeves is, “Get over it”. My wife has told me that, I’ve told her that.

I’ve told my nieces and nephews that if you don’t love someone enough that for him or her you would live in an ugly house with the toilet paper hung the wrong way, don’t marry them. If you wouldn’t do that for anybody, you’re not ready to get married.

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t also learn to put your drinking glass in the dishwasher just because your wife likes it that way. It does mean you ought to go into marriage prepared to have the same little thing driving you nuts for your entire marriage. People aren’t fixer-uppers. Even the things about ourselves* that drive ourselves nuts* are hard to change! Of course there will be things that drive our spouses nuts that don’t change, too, even if that thing is always being just right and never having a thing that masters us.

 

[Xantippe]

It is a passive- aggressive thing. Oh, you want me to do this and have told me multiple times to not do this? Then I will not not do what you want.

And you know, it does hurt when someone does that over a period of time.

Leo Buscaglia, author, used to say just leave the clothes on the floor. Don’t wash anything not in the hamper. If people see them on the floor just say, oh, those are my husband’s. Isn’t he cute? That’s where he likes to keep his clothes, and then change the subject.

I agree that we are not our spouses parent and don’t want to be treated as such.

I haven’t caught up with the thread, but I’ve watched too many episodes of those hoarder shows to think that that is a good idea.

Eventually, if it gets far enough, you get to the point where there’s nowhere to live in your house.

Some people have virtually unlimited tolerance for filth and disorder, and very little in the way of organizational skills.

 

[Hawkmaid]

I would recommend looking for a man that is well taught by his father. That’s who taught me and I am the one who taught my son.

Yep, exactly. Thank you for teaching your son!!!

 

[PhiloMed]

I haven’t caught up with the thread, but I’ve watched too many episodes of those hoarder shows to think that that is a good idea.

Eventually, if it gets far enough, you get to the point where there’s nowhere to live in your house.

Some people have virtually unlimited tolerance for filth and disorder, and very little in the way of organizational skills.

True, but it can be effective in the right situation.

Ever since the day my husband opened his underwear drawer and found no clean underwear I haven’t had a problem getting him to toss the worn ones into the hamper. I only wash what is in the hamper.

 

[Xantippe]

At least they have a dishwasher to put the glass in. I can’t imagine getting so upset about something so minor. People should be allowed to be comfortable in their own home and not made to feel like they are not welcome there. This is as bad as getting upset about the way a roll of toilet paper is put on the holder or how somebody squeezes the toothpaste tube. No, wives aren’t meant to parent their children. But husbands aren’t meant to be talked to or treated like children either. People really should lighten up. There are so many horrible things in life to get bent out of shape about dishes, laundry, meal prep, etc. those are things that will always be unfinished. They keep reoccurring.

My solution to a problem like that is, let the dishes pile up and them hand them the dish rag. Most men don’t mind washing a sink full once or twice a day but many people can’t stand the annoyance of washing one plate at a time. Same goes for laundry. Wait until there is enough for a load and have them collect them and start the washer. There’s no fight and it’s no longer your problem. It’s not an affront to you because it’s no longer your chore.

I have been trained to allow my husband to squeeze the last atom of toothpaste out of the tube. (I originally wrote molecule but then decided that atom fit better.)

Previously, I had been throwing out “perfectly good” tubes of toothpaste that still had 0.00001% of the toothpaste still in the tube.

I occasionally make mistakes, though, as I am unable to detect toothpaste in the quantities that my husband can. It looks empty to me.

 

[Xantippe]

Someone else posted this quote from the article and I think it’s at the heart of the whole thing.

I have 2 daughters and 1 daughter-in-law and their #1 complaint about their male partners is this: Why do I **always **have to be the one to see what needs to be done and ask him to do it? Why do I have to be his mother? No matter how willing they may be to do whatever it is, it’s still his partner’s responsibility to actually see what needs doing. It’s like men still see the home and children as the woman’s domain, even though they both work. It’s still up to the woman to keep the house running and everyone fed and clean. I know this is an over-generalization, but I’ve heard enough complaints from family and friends to know it’s a wide-spread phenomenon.

Not to overpost, but I think that one change to make is to recognize that organizing and managing household activities is a large job in and of itself, and that it needs to count for something in the division of household labor.

 

[THP]

I think the important point is for men to see what needs to be done and just do it! At the same time wives need to be able to let men do it their way without complaining - this gets easier over time.

It doesn’t have to just be dishes or laundry, although this is the easiest one to do correctly. Men need to act like adults in and out of the house and wives need to not criticize them when they do.

Wives respect men who do this and shows he respects her - especially if she has spent all day cleaning the house.

I think it is interesting that what the author is saying is that he was not loving his wife in the way that she needs to be loved along with multiple women confirming and then multiple posters who I assume are men show up saying she is being unreasonable - thereby totally missing his point.