She divorced me because i left dishes by the sink

[Burt_Macklin]

I have been trained to allow my husband to squeeze the last atom of toothpaste out of the tube. (I originally wrote molecule but then decided that atom fit better.)

Previously, I had been throwing out “perfectly good” tubes of toothpaste that still had 0.00001% of the toothpaste still in the tube.

I occasionally make mistakes, though, as I am unable to detect toothpaste in the quantities that my husband can. It looks empty to me.

For me I’ve had to learn to live with accent pillows. I really dislike them because they spend more time on the floor being tossed around by toddlers than they spend on whatever piece of furniture that they’re supposed to accent. I hate that I spend the first part of the morning picking up pillows. It makes me want to act out this movie scene.

 

[Xantippe]

Men like to feel secure in doing things, however. We like to tackle projects and like to succeed. I know some men who admittedly, give up. They get “hen pecked” into submission, to use an old colloquial term.

They essentially say “what is the point in doing x, if I am simply going to be corrected and told better way to do it?” They end up somewhat defeated. We have to pick and choose our “battles.” I never comment on the way my wife cooks food for our family. I let her have run of the kitchen, by and large. I doubt she’d like me telling how to “imrpove” every recipe she has.

I handle cleanup and dishes. I likewise appreciate not being told that I am not loading the dishwasher properly. I am sure it goes both ways, but as a husband, you don’t want to constantly be saying “just let me do this one thing, please!”

Husbands need the satisfaction of caring for their families and feeling as though they succeeded in something without “help.”

Everybody needs that.

I’ve told the story before of helping my mom make a relish dish for grandma’s Thanksgiving party. Mom, bless her heart, hovered over me the whole time to make sure I was cutting the celery and carrots to her approved length. No wonder dad never started helping much at home…

Likewise, my husband, bless his heart used to give me a hard time about the frequency of my grocery shopping trips (I prefer 2-3 smaller runs a week). Couldn’t I do it all once a week? He used to ask me, “Do you REALLY need to?” when I mentioned I was going to the store. He did the same thing with my haircuts–I’d have an inch of bangs over my eyes and he’d ask me if I really needed to get my hair cut. I eventually realized (and I told him) that he was destroying my self-esteem and self-confidence. If I as a SAHM, aren’t smart enough to decide by myself if I need to buy milk or get my bangs trimmed, what am I smart enough to do?

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

One thing is clear though. Only one person in a marriage should ever load a dishwasher… Ever.

I’d rather throw out all our dishes and buy new ones than have my wife load a dishwasher…

I’m not sure I understand.

I’m the one who normally loads the dish-washer. If DH would do it more frequently I would be very appreciative.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I think the important point is for men to see what needs to be done and just do it! At the same time wives need to be able to let men do it their way without complaining - this gets easier over time.

It doesn’t have to just be dishes or laundry, although this is the easiest one to do correctly. Men need to act like adults in and out of the house and wives need to not criticize them when they do.

Wives respect men who do this and shows he respects her - especially if she has spent all day cleaning the house.

I think it is interesting that what the author is saying is that he was not loving his wife in the way that she needs to be loved along with multiple women confirming and then multiple posters who I assume are men show up saying she is being unreasonable - thereby totally missing his point.

Do you think the converse is true? Should wives also see what needs to be done and then do it or is this only a men thing?
Personally I think it comes down to spouces respecting each other and accepting each other.
Sacrifice is a big part of it.
Bottom line is the author is now divorced. I wonder if his wife wrote an article if it would also take responsibility. My concern is that the author thinks that if only he had made small gestures everything would have been ok. Like I pointed out before, he does not seem to understand that there were most certainly bigger issues. Either that or he was married to the most pettiest naggiest, unforgiving person on the planet…

 

[Phil502]

It’s a laugh. Major disrespect caused by a dirty dish. I wonder just how perfect a person must think they are to be so upset by such a small thing. If it’s not this it would probably be his snoring, scratching his fanny or belching, maybe the loud tv or the choice of action shows…the list can go on forever.

I’m sure she’s a real perfect angel to live with.

 

[Xantippe]

For me I’ve had to learn to live with accent pillows. I really dislike them because they spend more time on the floor being tossed around by toddlers than they spend on whatever piece of furniture that they’re supposed to accent. I hate that I spend the first part of the morning picking up pillows. It makes me want to act out this movie scene.

Thank you! That was hilarious.

I totally agree about the accent pillow menace–I think they’re like tribbles.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m not sure I understand.

I’m the one who normally loads the dish-washer. If DH would do it more frequently I would be very appreciative.

It’s a little tounge in cheek.
The dish washer is very particular. I don’t like pots or colanders on the bottom because it does not wash the top well. I like cups a certain way and breast pump bottle lids will fly all over the dishwasher if not protected in the silverware holders…
Most everyone I have ever met would adjust the way a dishwasher is loaded. It’s just one of those things. I like to wash pots pans and bottle nipples by hand because the dishwasher can either not do a great job or ruin them…
While it is nice that sometimes my wife cleans the kitchen and loads the dishwasher you would be surprised that it can make more work when I am fishing breast pump pieces out of the drain trap, or rewashing dishes.
Granted my wife and I have excellent senses of humor so I often say to her, " hey, I don’t go to your work and rearrange your file cabinet and change your passwords, so how about you don’t mess with the dishwasher…"

Girliest post I’ve written.

Hey! Go Broncos in the Super Bowl! I hope manning goes out on top! And I hope I see some bone crushing hits by both defenses!

 

[jmjZelie]

Everybody needs that.

I’ve told the story before of helping my mom make a relish dish for grandma’s Thanksgiving party. Mom, bless her heart, hovered over me the whole time to make sure I was cutting the celery and carrots to her approved length. No wonder dad never started helping much at home…

Likewise, my husband, bless his heart used to give me a hard time about the frequency of my grocery shopping trips (I prefer 2-3 smaller runs a week). Couldn’t I do it all once a week? He used to ask me, “Do you REALLY need to?” when I mentioned I was going to the store. He did the same thing with my haircuts–I’d have an inch of bangs over my eyes and he’d ask me if I really needed to get my hair cut. I eventually realized (and I told him) that he was destroying my self-esteem and self-confidence. If I as a SAHM, aren’t smart enough to decide by myself if I need to buy milk or get my bangs trimmed, what am I smart enough to do?

My husband used to do the same thing (still does reflexively but now he is actively trying to end the habit). He had no idea how much he was eroding my self esteem until I got to the point where I zero confidence in my own abilities and I was letting him make all the decisions and he started wondering what was wrong with me. He and I talked a lot through that time period and we came to understand that his second guessing habit was learned from his family (my mother in law second guesses me all the time) and that he didn’t even realize he was doing it. I felt like a horrible wife and miserable human being for a while. It has only been in the past year that we have been working on this. It is getting much better, and my confidence has returned. And now I am telling him to stop when he starts up his second guessing. Unfortunately, a lot of the reason why he decided to stop doing this behavior was because he made some serious prudential errors that will impact us for years to come and so he realized that he was not as infallible as he thought he was. I hated it having to come to that point, but I am willing to bear the penalties because we are finally resolving this problem. He has decided to let me make some decisions (like choosing the housing and lifestyle for our family’s current needs, for example). It has been a wonderful experiment. We have discovered that a happy wife and mommy leads to a happy and active and effective family life.

 

[Irishmom2]

I haven’t caught up with the thread, but I’ve watched too many episodes of those hoarder shows to think that that is a good idea.

Eventually, if it gets far enough, you get to the point where there’s nowhere to live in your house.

Some people have virtually unlimited tolerance for filth and disorder, and very little in the way of organizational skills.

Well, I think his point was that the guy would run out of underwear or whatever and have to do his own wash, or learn that it goes in the hamper.

If it were me, I would just kick it over to the floor on his side of the bed, out of my way and into his.

 

[Xantippe]

My husband used to do the same thing (still does reflexively but now he is actively trying to end the habit). He had no idea how much he was eroding my self esteem until I got to the point where I zero confidence in my own abilities and I was letting him make all the decisions and he started wondering what was wrong with me. He and I talked a lot through that time period and we came to understand that his second guessing habit was learned from his family (my mother in law second guesses me all the time) and that he didn’t even realize he was doing it. I felt like a horrible wife and miserable human being for a while. It has only been in the past year that we have been working on this. It is getting much better, and my confidence has returned. And now I am telling him to stop when he starts up his second guessing. Unfortunately, a lot of the reason why he decided to stop doing this behavior was because he made some serious prudential errors that will impact us for years to come and so he realized that he was not as infallible as he thought he was. I hated it having to come to that point, but I am willing to bear the penalties because we are finally resolving this problem. He has decided to let me make some decisions (like choosing the housing and lifestyle for our family’s current needs, for example). It has been a wonderful experiment. We have discovered that a happy wife and mommy leads to a happy and active and effective family life.

Very good!

In my husband’s case, my husband is a perfectionist and an optimizer (at least about some things) and he was trying to optimize me.

I had to tell him that I need the leeway to do it my way, even if my way isn’t objectively the absolute best and most efficient.

 

[jmjZelie]

It’s a little tounge in cheek.
The dish washer is very particular. I don’t like pots or colanders on the bottom because it does not wash the top well. I like cups a certain way and breast pump bottle lids will fly all over the dishwasher if not protected in the silverware holders…
Most everyone I have ever met would adjust the way a dishwasher is loaded. It’s just one of those things. I like to wash pots pans and bottle nipples by hand because the dishwasher can either not do a great job or ruin them…
While it is nice that sometimes my wife cleans the kitchen and loads the dishwasher you would be surprised that it can make more work when I am fishing breast pump pieces out of the drain trap, or rewashing dishes.
Granted my wife and I have excellent senses of humor so I often say to her, " hey, I don’t go to your work and rearrange your file cabinet and change your passwords, so how about you don’t mess with the dishwasher…"

Girliest post I’ve written.

Hey! Go Broncos in the Super Bowl! I hope manning goes out on top! And I hope I see some bone crushing hits by both defenses!

I have said the same thing to my husband. I don’t go to his work and rearrange his desk so he shouldn’t rearrange or disturb my place of work. Which also happens to be our home. For homeschooling families, or families that have lots of activity at home during the day with a stay at home parent, home IS our place of work. I need to find that strainer and bag of baby wipes STAT. I can’t be scouring the house looking for necessary objects. Thankfully, my husband is very understanding and gets it. Especially now that our family is so large and active.

 

[jmjZelie]

Very good!

In my husband’s case, my husband is a perfectionist and an optimizer (at least about some things) and he was trying to optimize me.

I had to tell him that I need the leeway to do it my way, even if my way isn’t objectively the absolute best and most efficient.

Yeah, my husband has had a lifelong obsession with efficiency. And he has a mild case of OCD (seriously, not just joking. He has several neurological differences, including OCD). It can be an awesome trait when we are solving problems together. But it really doesn’t work out too well when he either invents imaginary problems to solve or when he turns me into a problem to solve.

 

[Xantippe]

Well, I think his point was that the guy would run out of underwear or whatever and have to do his own wash, or learn that it goes in the hamper.

If it were me, I would just kick it over to the floor on his side of the bed, out of my way and into his.

You can always rewear clothing, you know.



Because my mom is a semi-hoarder, I always worry about advice premised on the idea that people won’t fall below a certain level of filth and squalor. In my experience, it’s always possible for things to get just a bit worse.

 

[THP]

Do you think the converse is true? Should wives also see what needs to be done and then do it or is this only a men thing?
Personally I think it comes down to spouces respecting each other and accepting each other.
Sacrifice is a big part of it.
Bottom line is the author is now divorced. I wonder if his wife wrote an article if it would also take responsibility. My concern is that the author thinks that if only he had made small gestures everything would have been ok. Like I pointed out before, he does not seem to understand that there were most certainly bigger issues. Either that or he was married to the most pettiest naggiest, unforgiving person on the planet…

Of course. One person can’t be sitting around playing on their phone while the other does everything. There are reasons why both parties allow this to start happening but its not good for the relationship. The reason is not because men are doofuses.

I can’t image he thinks it was just the glass or the laundry or whatever. Its the persistent failure to listen to his wife and respect the things that are important to her.

 

[Irishmom2]

You can always rewear clothing, you know.



Because my mom is a semi-hoarder, I always worry about advice premised on the idea that people won’t fall below a certain level of filth and squalor. In my experience, it’s always possible for things to get just a bit worse.

I guess you have to know whether your spouse would do that or not.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I have said the same thing to my husband. I don’t go to his work and rearrange his desk so he shouldn’t rearrange or disturb my place of work. Which also happens to be our home. For homeschooling families, or families that have lots of activity at home during the day with a stay at home parent, home IS our place of work. I need to find that strainer and bag of baby wipes STAT. I can’t be scouring the house looking for necessary objects. Thankfully, my husband is very understanding and gets it. Especially now that our family is so large and active.

Yes! Especially since we homeschool and one of us stays home. It is essential to have defined “areas”. Nothing is worse than holding poopy baby legs in the air and finding out you don’t know where the wipes are because someone else “cleaned”

But it just occurred to me that almost certainly the author was in a dual income house. Where both spouses work and so the home responsibilities can be a serious battlefield. One person may want to relax and the other may want things to look a certain way. Fortunately in my marriage this was not a problem pre kids either because we both did not have a high priority on “chores”. We existed symbiotically and as partners and friends and lovers.

I just hope in the authors situation there were not kids involved with this, I doubt there were it does not seem like there were…

 

[Javan]

You can always rewear clothing, you know.

And then comes the issue with some spouses who will literally wear the same clothes for a week or longer unless you scoop their clothes into the hamper.

Yes, including underwear. uch:

 

[Xantippe]

Here’s another example of “training.”

After about 15 years of me laundering and hanging my husband’s dress shirts, he suddenly decided that he wanted them hung up with the two top buttons unbuttoned so that he doesn’t have to unbutton them before putting on his shirt. He wanted me to wash them that way, too.

I had 15 years years behind me of unbuttoning shirts completely before laundering (not to stress the button stitching) and then buttoning them up to the collar when hanging (for maximum neatness). I couldn’t for the life of me remember to do it the way he wanted–my fingers were unbuttoning and buttoning without me thinking about it as I’d done literally thousands of times before.

What finally helped me flip the switch was my husband being around a couple of times when I was putting away shirts and coaching me through two shirts the “right way”. After I had done two, I could remember it, but previously, he’d reminded me probably a dozen times without me remembering that he wanted me to do the shirts that particular way.

Edited to add: I just looked it up, and as I suspected, the recommended shirt laundering method is to unbutton completely before laundering.

propercloth.com/reference/how-to-wash-a-dress-shirt/

Nothing bad has happened yet, though.

 

[Xantippe]

And then comes the issue with some spouses who will literally wear the same clothes for a week or longer unless you scoop their clothes into the hamper.

Yes, including underwear. uch:

Yeah.

 

[jmjZelie]

If marriage is a vocation, then training is a necessary aspect of that. Since spouses are the ministers of the sacrament to each other, it would make sense that at least a significant portion of the training for their particular marriage would be each spouse teaching the other. I think the particular form of training is more like peer mentors than like a parent-child dynamic, at least ideally it should be.

My husband has helped me to learn to do many things, or to do them better, and I have helped him. A large part of marriage includes accommodating or pleasing one’s spouse. So I don’t think that anything negative should be assumed about the idea of spouses training each other, unless disrespect is obviously being given.