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Tlaloc
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Or possibly a respect for honesty…
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Kevin_Walker
Guest
Which might result in divorce.
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Kevin_Walker
Guest
Should bank robbery be revealed to a cop? Sure, if you want to spend 25 years in the greybar hotel.
OR, lets suppose you find out your next door neighbor has been cheating on their spouse, so you go and inform the other spouse they’re the victim of adultery. Later on the victim shoots their wife or husband when they come home and all their children; and the newspapers report the shooter found out from their next door neighbor that they were cheated on, and killed the kids because of parentage doubts. How do you feel about yourself? What does Jesus say about squealers and ratfinks? Will you name all of your children after Judas?
OR, lets suppose you find out your next door neighbor has been cheating on their spouse, so you go and inform the other spouse they’re the victim of adultery. Later on the victim shoots their wife or husband when they come home and all their children; and the newspapers report the shooter found out from their next door neighbor that they were cheated on, and killed the kids because of parentage doubts. How do you feel about yourself? What does Jesus say about squealers and ratfinks? Will you name all of your children after Judas?
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TheGarg
Guest
shannin said:*Of course there are always exceptions, but in most cases, it should not be revealed. Confession and atonement, yes, but why put your spouse in the position of having to forgive :tsktsk: *
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Shannin
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tuopaolo
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I’m not sure about this one. Doesn’t a person whose spouse commits adultery have the right to discontinue conjugal relations? But how would such a person exercise that right if she (or he) never comes to know that she has been wronged in this way? And would the guilty spouse be sinning by engaging in conjugal relations while not revealing the infidelity if it is known by him that had he revealed the infidelity, she would have chosen to discontinue conjugal relations? It almost seems like a kind of rape by fraud in that case.
I think if asked, the spouse should certainly be truthful though he (or she) could try to avoid answering the question as much as possible while doing that.
In any case, I think ideally the guilty spouse should tell what happened but we live in a fallen, not an ideal world.
I think if asked, the spouse should certainly be truthful though he (or she) could try to avoid answering the question as much as possible while doing that.
In any case, I think ideally the guilty spouse should tell what happened but we live in a fallen, not an ideal world.
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rayne89
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My husband can tell me anything, and I can tell tell him anything. It’s not about can you it’s about *should you. *
If the affair is still on going -you should
If you have an STD -you should
If you’ve impregnated someone -you should
If there’s a reasonable possibilty that they may find out by someone else -you should
If the affair is completely over or if it was a one time terrible lapse in judgement , and if you have deep regret and have no intention of ever repeating your mistake -than no you should not.
There is nothing noble about causing unneccesary pain and anguish to a spouse to relieve you own conscience.
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TheGarg
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The truth ALWAYS comes to the surface, either by association or guilt. so this point here demands truth.
A lie by omission is still a lie. WHEN the spouse finds out, not IF, HE/SHE will be boubly pissed from this deception as well.
There is NOTHING noble about lying to save face, which is exaclty what you are doing when you lie by omission.
Obviously there is already unneccesary pain in the reltionship, probably due to the very dishonesty and lack of communications that brought on the infidelity.
Honesty is ALWAYS the best Policy.
Anything else is a lie.
Peace of the Lord be with you!
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rayne89
Guest
I was the one that was cheated on, and actually the cause was related to being seperated because my husband was in the military at the time, and it also had to do alcoholism and depression.
I was told about it several years later when we were in midst of a marriage crisis. We worked hard at our marriage and today we have a wonderful relationship. We would have had to do that anyway. I have completely forgiven him but there will always be that little pang of pain when I think about the fact that my husband broke our marriage vows, that is something I could have lived without knowing.
I’m not talking about lying to save face, I’m talking about not breaking your spouses heart when nothing good can come from it.
There are plenty of times in life when we omit things to protect others feelings. If it’s over and done with, and will never be repeated what good comes from it? Alot of pain, tears, heartache, and a memeory that never goes away. For what? For sake of being “honest”? To relieve your guilty conscience?
If there are problems which I’m sure in most cases there would be if an affair has occured, than work at them. Marriage encounter, Retrouvaille, counseling -whatever it takes. Your telling me you can’t do that without devastating your spouse with the fact that you broke your marriage vows.
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Scott_Waddell
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I will restate my question: Can anyone produce any official Church teaching that says one is obligated to confess adultery to the spouse?
Scott
Scott
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safeeagle
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There was a time way back when in the Catholic church where i’m told that people had to confess publically to the priest. WOW!! Just think if we all had to do that today. It seems to me that was a great deterent to commiting sin. You know that when you go to confession today that the priest maintains a vow of secrecy. How nice. Now you know your spouse will never know. Sounds too easy for me. I think your spouse should be told. Makes it harder to fall for the temptation the next time it comes around.
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tuopaolo
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Scott Waddell:
Can. 1152 §1 It is earnestly recommended that a spouse, motivated by christian charity and solicitous for the good of the family, should not refuse to pardon an adulterous partner and should not sunder the conjugal life. Nevertheless, if that spouse has not either expressly or tacitly condoned the other’s fault, he or she has the right to sever the common conjugal life, provided he or she has not consented to the adultery, nor been the cause of it, nor also committed adultery.
intratext.com/IXT/ENG0017/_P44.HTM
ISTM that by not telling one’s spouse of one’s adultery that one is depriving one’s spouse of her (or his) “right to sever the common conjugal life,” a right the Church says she has.
How about this?
Can. 1152 §1 It is earnestly recommended that a spouse, motivated by christian charity and solicitous for the good of the family, should not refuse to pardon an adulterous partner and should not sunder the conjugal life. Nevertheless, if that spouse has not either expressly or tacitly condoned the other’s fault, he or she has the right to sever the common conjugal life, provided he or she has not consented to the adultery, nor been the cause of it, nor also committed adultery.
intratext.com/IXT/ENG0017/_P44.HTM
ISTM that by not telling one’s spouse of one’s adultery that one is depriving one’s spouse of her (or his) “right to sever the common conjugal life,” a right the Church says she has.
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Scott_Waddell
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Now we are getting somewhere. I guess my only issue would be that this says the Church recommends forgiveness, not an obligation to confess. Perhaps you can help me on this because I come to the example of say a thief who confesses thievery. I realize there is an obligation to restore the stolen property, but I am not aware of an obligation to turn yourself in to the authorities who, in a sense, the thief would be depriving them of their right (in a manner of speaking) to prosecute him by not turning himself in. I think I’ll post this on the AAA forum.
Scott
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tuopaolo
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Scott Waddell:
In the case of the repentant spouse, ISTM that if he knows that his wife would not consent to marital relations were she to know of his infidelity and deceives her into thinking that he has been faithful, then he might be guilty of a kind of rape by deceit. Having sex with someone you’ve deceived into having sex with you seems like rape to me. But I’m not sure. Maybe you should ask them about that too
Interesting analogy, Scott. I think in the case of the repentant thief, no one’s rights would be deprived of since the repentant thief would be able to do penance all on his own by doing the penance given him by the confessor. He could also, if he wanted, do further penance.Now we are getting somewhere. I guess my only issue would be that this says the Church recommends forgiveness, not an obligation to confess. Perhaps you can help me on this because I come to the example of say a thief who confesses thievery. I realize there is an obligation to restore the stolen property, but I am not aware of an obligation to turn yourself in to the authorities who, in a sense, the thief would be depriving them of their right (in a manner of speaking) to prosecute him by not turning himself in. I think I’ll post this on the AAA forum.
Scott
In the case of the repentant spouse, ISTM that if he knows that his wife would not consent to marital relations were she to know of his infidelity and deceives her into thinking that he has been faithful, then he might be guilty of a kind of rape by deceit. Having sex with someone you’ve deceived into having sex with you seems like rape to me. But I’m not sure. Maybe you should ask them about that too
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TheGarg
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The reasons are irrelavent.
your trying to make a case for dishonesty and it just isn’t gonna happen.
Point in case, the Truth Always comes to the surface.
There will always be that little pang because we choose to to hang on to it. This means we haven’t completely given up these things to God yet.
On the other side of the coin, woud you want your spouse to live with the anguish if not being able to come clean and fess up to his wrong doings?..the guilt would have eventually killed him, at least i would have me. On top of that, until YOU knew and forgave him, His relationship with you didn’t feel real, because He was living a LIE. Sometimes even the “victims” need to think about the others’s feelings.
and their all lies, and to be detested.
and yes to relieving “my” guilty conscience, since guilt plays a big part in depression which can lead to suicide. This outlook is cold and selfish. Not only the “victim” in infidelity needs healing.
That is correct. Where would your marriage be today if he hadn’t come clean? would he be the same person?
YOU also took a vow, to be with him forever, and to endure whatever hardships my come along. To love him unconditionally, and forgive. Just like he did you.
We ALL take “vows” to Jesus, and how many times do we let him down. Good thing he doesn’t love us conditionally, and doesn’t tell us to not tell him when we’ve wronged him to spare his feelings.
Peace be to you, may be both learn how to fully forgive and give it up to Jesus, Lord Knows I still pack stuff around that I don’t want to carry.
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Faithful_2_Rome
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Unless the other spouse seriously has evidence and confronts, or if you caught a disease, my postion is dont tell them. There is something to be said for the phrase ignorance is bliss. The Church cannot obligate you to admit your sin to anyone other than a Priest.
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rayne89
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Him coming clean had nothing to do with current crisis we were having when he told me. He had battled alcoholism and depression our entire relationship. It finally all came to a head because he was crashed out car while he was drunk. He told me hoping I would dump him as an easy way out our relationship because he didn’t have the energy to pull it together. I refused to give up on him.
We attended retrouvaille, my husband went to counseling for his depression and was on anti-depressants for a few years. He’s been off them for 2 years now and is doing fine. During this time both of us grew in faith and have become strong practicing Catholics.
You don’t need to preach to me about hardships because you have no idea what we’ve come through. When our marriage finally was on stable ground, we then had an ex-girlfriend for highschool acuse him in a paternity suit (over 8 years after the fact.) We spent thousands of dollers in legal fees, we planned to fight for joint custody if the acusation turned out to be true, but thankfully it was not. My husband was abused and beaten growing up -that is when his depression started. I’ve been with him since I was 16 and together I have stuck by him thru alcoholism, drug abuse, porn addiction and infidelity. The years of alcoholism turned me into a very ugly person -completely distrusful, controling, manipulative - I had my own part to play in our problems.
I have completely fogiven my husband, you are misled to think forgiveness means you forget. I don’t sit around dwelling on it. It only comes up usually when someone else finds themselves in similar circumstances. I have never mentioned the infidelity since the day my husband told me.
I adore my husband, he is my bestfriend. Just looking at him brings a smile to my face. We closer now than we have been in the 16 years we’ve been together. I attribute to this to the strong faith we now share, and a deep friendship than has grown over the years.
It will be my husband soon that will be taking care of me, because I am bordering on heart failure, and will need a transplant in a few years. I also have Crohn’s disease and he has selflessly taken care of me through that.
You don’t know me or my husband, don’t presume to know what he or I think or feel. You are preaching to the choir when it comes to unconditional love, and forgiveness.
It’s obvious that I could on further but we will not agree. You are entitled to your opinion.
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Fergal
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One thing spouses should never discuss are each others Confessions.
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Shinobu
Guest
Don’t you think a person has the right to know if they have been exposed to an STD? There are so many problems that can come from adultery. Being ignorant is NOT healthy.
Talk to your partner, talk to your partner, talk to your partner!!!
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JamesD
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There are only three reasons I can think of to tell.
- You are asked. (You must not lie to your spouse).
- There is some consequence that the spouse must be aware of (STD pregnancy etc.)
- You need the spouses help to prevent future sins and telling is necessary to get this help.
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astegallrnc
Guest
The answer is yes for me. To keep an adulterous affair a secret would be deceitful.
I have worked in a public health clinic for years, a person has a right to know. The belief that a negative STD test correlates to clean health is FALSE. It is true that one can be tested for some STDs, there are others that are not detected until there is a symptom ie., HPV. There isn’t even a test for HPV, and you can bet I want to know if I have a increased risk of cervical cancer.
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