It is not a very direct unwelcoming, but everyone is rather unnerved by my presence. No matter how I dress, I’ll come across as androgynous, ergo if I come in dressed in a ‘feminine’ manner I ding people’s radar for being a transsexual or a crossdresser. If I dress in a more androgynous outfit I’ll be seen as a lesbian or a really effeminate gay man. I seem to physically make people uncomfortable with my presence even before they get to know me.
One of my more untreated problems is extreme social anxiety. If I’m around more than about ten strangers I suffer profoundly traumatic panic attacks. I can’t afford the medicines for this, which makes something like Mass literally impossible. I would have a panic attack as soon as I sat down to the point I might actually be arrested, I quite literally come close to losing my mind.
It is hard to describe what occurs, because I really don’t remember the incidents well, it’s all very blurry in the way you are if you’ve ever drank way way too much, the sensation is similar. I just have snippets of memory.
That’s getting pretty darn off the subject of this thread though, but that’s why I don’t really attend church anymore. My mental health really can’t handle so many strangers at once right now. So some of my observations literally could be paranoid delusions, but they feel so real to me I can’t make an honest judgment.