Should I ask husband to leave

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Rebecca2009

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Hello,
I have a young son with special needs (autism). My problem in a nutshell is, my husband is too rough in handling his behaviors. It is certainly not easy, as my son does at times act out, and can be physically aggressive. He will try to bite and scratch if he is having a meltdown.
My husband generally tries to be a good dad. But it has happened a few times now that he would hit our son which is completely unacceptable. He is basically non verbal and just screams if he gets mad. I have tried to tell my husband that it is abusive to hit him in any way.

I have spoken to him and straight out told him I cannot and will not stand by and allow this to happen to our son. But my husband does not apologize or show any sign of repentance in his attitude about this. I am not perfect either and have had to go to confession to ask forgiveness for losing my own temper. Thing is my husband shows no sign of being sorry, and actually blames me for his hitting…he said that our son acted up worse because i walked into the room.

I feel like I should tell him to leave our home at least for a while, I don’t feel comfortable leaving my son alone with him any more. We have older children too and I don’t like having them witness this. My husband is a Christian but not a Catholic.

Just trying to figure out what would be the right thing to do at this point.
 
This is unacceptable, do whatever you need to do, if that means throwing your husband out, then do it.
 
Take your kid and get the heck out of there ASAP. RUN.

I’m praying for you.
 
I certainly understand the responses, you might also get him help in dealing with his behavior towards your son. He should not be in close proximity to the child or you until he does.
 
I think your husband need advice and training on how to cope with an autistic child.
Some people are ill-prepared for the kind of out of control behavior that can occur in an autistic child.
You possibly both need to have counselling for this so that you can support each other in what is sometimes very trying circumstances, and so your husband can build up strategies to cope with a child who is different to what it is natural for him to understand and cope with.

It seems extreme not to at least try to resolve this issue with whatever guidance and help is available. Your husband sees a naughty and out of control child. He may feel you pander to him too much. Both may need guidance to raise your son in the healthiest way possible.
 
It is strange, I feel embarrased to talk about this, even though it is not me who did this.

He has slapped his cheek, in reaction to having been bitten.
The other time that I witnessed myself, my son was very out of control, thrashing and kicking and trying to bite, scratching…in fact he did bite my husband…my husband smacked him on the head a few times, while trying to stop him from attacking. I told him to stop it but he still did it again.

I stepped in and tried to separate them, and of course this makes my husband angry. That’s when he blamed me for this happening.
I did tell him, it is not my job or concern whether or not he agrees with me, this is abusive and it WILL stop.

Yesterday in the midst of a tanturm, my son freaked out the next time my husband came into the room…I told my husband that I believe our son was afraid of him. His response was, no, he’s just angry at me and he’s acting up even more since you’re here.:eek: I just cannot believe he always blames me for this, as if it’s my fault somehow. This is what is making me think I have to tell him to leave.

My plan at this moment is that tomorrow I will talk with him in private, very briefly and matter of factly, and tell him…if he does this again i will pack his bag and call his brother myself to take him in. I am very shaken up to even think of doing this, but I don’t think I have a choice if my husband continues to deny this is a problem. Hopefully this would shake HIM up enough to get real. and I am praying for him that God will give him grace to see what he is doing and to fully repent.

Thanks to all of you who have replied and THANKS for prayers!!!
 
Perhaps your husband does need time out as doubtless like you he is stressed out by this. When people try to physically harm you by biting, it doesn’t bring out the best in a person. Biting hurts very much and is scary.
Out of control people are scary, whether parent or child.

Please God your husband, your son, and you can find wholesome solutions to this very difficult situation. Each of the three of you is in a way traumatized by what is going on.

Clearly he shouldn’t hit your son. That’s not coping or parenting. I am certain my husband could not have coped. I don’t think he would have stayed, so your husband is good to try, even if not always in the right way.
May God help your family to heal.
 
Trishie said:
Perhaps your husband does need time out as doubtless like you he is stressed out by this. When people try to physically harm you by biting, it doesn’t bring out the best in a person. Biting hurts very much and is scary.
Out of control people are scary, whether parent or child.

Please God your husband, your son, and you can find wholesome solutions to this very difficult situation. Each of the three of you is in a way traumatized by what is going on.

Clearly he shouldn’t hit your son. That’s not coping or parenting. I am certain my husband could not have coped. I don’t think he would have stayed, so your husband is good to try, even if not always in the right way.
May God help your family to heal.
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This is a good answer. From what is written it seems to me that everyone in this situation is very stressed and the first thing that needs to happen is to break the cycle. I think maybe your husband needs to go stay elsewhere for a short time, long enough to calm down and for you to calm down.

I doubt that giving him orders will be effective in making him change his behaviour. I can’t do it to my husband. I have much better success when I explain how I feel, and why I think a particular course of action is necessary. Sometimes he disagrees anyway. If I yell at my husband or tell him he’s outright wrong, he will get his back up and push back. Sometimes after things have settled down he will tell me he’s thought about what I said and he understands.

So. Here’s how I suggest you proceed:
  1. Husband goes away for a set amount of time - this is not a break-up, but a time-out for everyone to settle down. Don’t send him away like a naughty boy, but do it with love and with the intention of defusing the situation.
  2. You work out what is going on, what works for your son and what doesn’t. So does your husband. Both of you prepare a list.
  3. Arrange a time to get together with your husband without your son, to talk about the issue. Present your case in a non-threatening manner (don’t accuse hubby of wrongdoing, talk about what you think will work and what needs to be done). You need to give your husband equal opportunity to have (name removed by moderator)ut into the raising of the boy. Ask your husband what things he cannot handle. There might be a snapping point after which he just lashes out. If you can p(name removed by moderator)oint it, you can work out methods to deal with it. Maybe hubby just needs to recognise when he’s losing control and then you can agree that he should walk away for ten minutes to cool off. Allow your husband to be part of this process. If you just tell him what you expect from him, that’s pretty emasculating, and he probably will be far more willing to work with you if you let him have some say in how it’s done.
  4. Hubby comes home and you both implement your plan together, allowing for some teething problems and adjustments.
So yeah, that’s kind of how I would approach it. I hope this is helpful to you.

Edit: I re-read the initial post and I can’t quite work out if this is only your son, or if your husband is his father. It makes it a touch more sticky if your husband isn’t the boy’s biological father. Also, if you have trouble with talking about it, you might need to use the services of a mediator who can help keep the talking on track.
 
Rebecca2009 said:
It is strange, I feel embarrased to talk about this, even though it is not me who did this.

He has slapped his cheek, in reaction to having been bitten.
The other time that I witnessed myself, my son was very out of control, thrashing and kicking and trying to bite, scratching…in fact he did bite my husband…my husband smacked him on the head a few times, while trying to stop him from attacking. I told him to stop it but he still did it again.

I stepped in and tried to separate them, and of course this makes my husband angry. That’s when he blamed me for this happening.
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How old is your son?

By your words “my son…out of control, thrashing and kicking and trying to bite, scratching…did bite my husband” it sounds like your husband is in a scary situation that he is unprepared to handle. By your words, “smacked him … while trying to stop him from attacking”, it sounds like your husband was trying to protect himself from the violent behavior that you described. Being physically attacked is not an easy situation to deal with, and many would be very unpreprared to handle it. What have the two of you done to be able to deal with it?

How do you, mom, get your son to stop attacking you? And do you try and help your husband ‘untangle’ from your son during his outbursts?

Perhaps, instead of being so hard on your husband, you might find someone (a counselor or therapist) who can help him deal with these violent outbursts.

As to telling your husband he has to leave, I think you have to do what’s best for you and your son. If you think you can handle it on your own, then do so. If your husband is not able to handle the challenges that come with having a violent child attack him, then perhaps it would be best for all involved to take a time out or to have him leave. At the very least, he needs to be better prepared to handle these difficulties, and clearly he’s not at the moment. I do think he will be better able to handle these difficult moments if he feels you have his back, and if you both work as a team instead of fighting with each other. And of course, that takes two. I will pray for you and your family.
 
I do think that we need a lot more information here before people talk about separation and calling the police. Slapping someone who is biting you is a pretty understandable response. Also, have you considered that your son does behave worse when you are there as he senses that you take his side in this? I have a son with high functioning autism, and while he could never figure out a social situation, he was,and probably still is at 27, capable of playing me against his dad. Children, even autistic children, can and do learn to manipulate their parents.

You need family counseling badly. Is your husband open to this? He needs to learn some better discipline methods, and maybe you do too. Do not allow the stress of special needs parenting to drive a wedge into an otherwise sound marriage. If you two have other issues, than you have other issues. Don’t confuse them.

Also, and I am sure that no one wants to hear this, but I have seen many special needs children negatively impacted by over coddling on the part of their mothers. Protecting your child from real abuse is your job, but protecting them from all the consequences of their actions is not. I say this as a mother of 5, 28-12, two of whom have special needs.
 
Rebecca2009, I absolutely agree with you that striking your son with special needs is absolutely unacceptable and needs to stop. It also sounds like your husband needs more education and tools to equip himself in dealing with autism and violent outbursts. Autism isn’t easy to live with. While I understand that violence toward your son did happen, I also fully agree that it shouldn’t continue to happen.

What is the best way to Both protect your son And educate your husband? Rather than making it an either/or situation (either you stop hitting him or we leave). It sounds like your family is struggling right now, and I firmly believe when we know better, we do better. Do you have any supports in place, specifically autism related? What support groups, services, classes, counseling, and respite care will best help your situation? Make phone calls until you all are getting the help and support you need. Your family deserves it.
 
Trishie said:
IYou possibly both need to have counselling for this so that you can support each other in what is sometimes very trying circumstances, and so your husband can build up strategies to cope with a child who is different to what it is natural for him to understand and cope with.

It seems extreme not to at least try to resolve this issue with whatever guidance and help is available.
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This.
Monicad said:
I think a phone call to your local social service agency, Catholic Charities or other resource would be the best course of action. This situation also needs to be discussed with your child’s pediatrician and also probably an occupational and behavioral therapist.

Tell your husband you want to work together. Tell him you love him and that he is a good father. Tell him you want to get your family the help that you need there are therapists out there.
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And this.
Ellyakamommy said:
Do you have any supports in place, specifically autism related? What support groups, services, classes, counseling, and respite care will best help your situation? Make phone calls until you all are getting the help and support you need. Your family deserves it.
Click to expand...
And this.
 
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. I appreciate it. Many of you have raised some very good points, and also looked at things from another perspective, which is what I needed. That’s why I posted…this is such an important situation and I do not want to make a bad decision, nor an impulsive one.

I am going to speak with my husband about counseling for him and myself…and yes we do have issues between us. It’s a miracle we are even together, we’ve been married almost 30 years. Someone asked how old my son is, he is 8 years old. Yes I know it is possible for a child to play one parent against the other, and I think he has done this sometimes. However I know he was actually scared of his Dad more than once. My husband was raised in not the most loving home, and he doesn’t get it. Or if I say anything, he chooses to not get it. He has told me as much.

I have tried reasoning with my husband, told him the professionals at school said hitting is not an option. My husband is basically a decent person, but he has always had a temper. One of my adult children recently told me he spanked her so hard once that she literally had pain when she tried to sit down for a couple of days later. We’ve been through so much, and I don’t want to allow any more of this. I won’t allow any more of this. I should add I’ve been bitten also but this is not the way to handle it. Obviously.

Yes we will talk to someone outside of this house. We’ve tried that before but not about this particular issue. This has to be addressed and it will be.
 
Also the parent of an ASD son who is 9 years old. There are organizations who specifically deal with parenting special needs kids, and they often do it at no cost. Your school’s special Ed department should know of these organizations.

Often it is hard for a parent to readily accept a special needs child, as there is a sense of loss for the idealized life the child will never lead. Also, your husband may be worried about providing for the needs of your son well into adulthood. I know that this is still a major concern for us. It is sobering.

I think a counselor trained in dealing with special needs families would be a welcome relief. Prayers your way.
 
During family prayer time, does the family sometimes say novenas? A novena for the health and welfare of the entire family will be helpful. An express novena consisting of nine memorares to the Blessed Mother can be used each day with a different intention.

Don’t forget that there is another mother of your family. The Virgin Mary is our spiritual mother and she will help keep things together. Before saying the rosary, ask her to bring peace to your family.

The father is the spiritual leader of the family. The merit of his prayer and suffering will benefit the entire family. If he has trouble controlling himself, fasting or other mortification will help him to develop mastery of his lower self. He should be setting an example of patience and love.

If your son has made his first confession and communion, these sacraments will help him a great deal. They are good for the whole family. 👍
 
Thanks for the replies!

My husband is not Catholic. He is a protestant Christian, and I myself was a Protestant until 2006. I do pray the Rosary by myself, and have prayed it sometimes with some of my children. Only my 13 year old is really open to the Catholic Church. My Priest said not to push conversion with her though, and I certainly don’t want to make her feel at odds with her father. I homeschool her and my 16 year old daughter, and I use Catholic materials.

I would love to have my son baptized but as of now my husband is opposed. 3 of my children were baptized in the protestant fellowship that we’ve all attended for several years. I go there with my family and go to Mass by myself for the most part.

I am not thrilled with this situation but right now this is how it is. Jesus has been SO faithful and kind to me, and Mary is very precious to me. I struggle with doubts sometimes because of the anti-catholic stuff I heard for many years. But I love her!!
 
Agree with the last post- have children who are autistic- if they are violent you must immediately respond with violence, that’s the only way they learn, It’s sorry to say but an autistic child does better if trained like a dog. Immediate consequenses for behavior- don’t wait, they do not know time. Can’t say wait till we get home. I have been accosted at the grocerey store and I don’t care- when I explained why I gave a wack on the bottom- most people seem to be OK with it.
 
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